Good Day Grover Pickers,

The NFL, for many years, has been a league where any team can beat any other team on any given Sunday.

Now, Professional Amateur Football has evolved to give us multiple conferences in which any team can beat any other team on any given Saturday.

To Wit:

• Kentucky is the first place SEC team
• UCLA is the only undefeated team in the Big10 or SEC
• The only other undefeateds are Miami and UCLA
• Preseason #1 Oregon is currently 4-3.
• New Mexico is on the cusp of a playoff berth.
• Arizona has the upper hand to win the Big12
• Wake Forest is 6-1, with 4 Power Four road wins and the only loss to undefeated Miami. Are the Demon Deacons a powerhouse?

This is called parity.

There is an argument that parity means more teams and fans remain interested during a season and that your favorite team should have a good chance for a fine season at least once during your lifetime. This wasn’t always the case, especially if you rooted for Vanderbilt or Texas A&M.

In reality, parity means your team sucks.

I’ll explain.

(And, yes, The Commissioner will explain why his favorite teams, the Gators and Dolphins suck, too. If you want to skip ahead to see what nice things I say about the New York Jets, it’s at the end.)

PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL

Notre Dame @ Navy

(12:00 PM ET) Notre Dame’s worst season is 2007, 3-9, the most losses in program history. Navy’s worst is 2001, 0-10, only the Midshipman’s second winless season after 1948 (0-8-1), which had real-world reasons.

Navy Football (let’s be very clear, this is about the football team only and not about the Navy, generally, or any Navy personnel specifically), sucks. If Navy football was good, they would pass the ball more than twice a game. If it was good, millions of donors would sign up to ‘Support the Troops’ with NIL donations. But these players are all brains and heart focussed on class and corps, not pass and score.

Notre Dame sucks. Where to begin? Why can’t we acknowledge that the Leprechaun is a felon? If you put a Jesus fresco on the side of a prison, that doesn’t make it a ‘charming college town’. Your stadium is a miniature knock-off of the Big House, complete with uncomfortable seating and terrible site lines. Why do we keep rewarding Notre Dame for ducking the best competition? They maintain rivalries with inconsistent and poor programs. I’m looking at you, Michigan, Michigan State, Navy, Stanford, the handpicked ACC foes, and those cowards at USC.

Do you know how old you have to be to remember Notre Dame’s last great victory, 31-10 over Miami on October 15, 1988? If you have to do the math, then it was too long ago to merit the amount of conversation we still have about useless Notre Dame, which sucks.

UAB @ South Florida

(12:00 PM ET) UAB’s worst season is 2014 when the school gave up playing football completely. USF’s worst is 2022, 1-11

UAB sucks. It may not be their fault, but it is their burden. Off-brand Auburn is no way to live, UAB.

USF sucks. They put the “U” in “Chumpa Bay”.

SMU @ Syracuse

(12:00 PM ET) SMU’s worst seasons are 1987-1988 when it did not field a team due to the NCAA Death Penalty. Syracuse’s worst is 2020, 1-10.

Is it a coincidence that Notre Dame’s last great victory occurred during SMU’s dormant era? Probably, but we can’t rule it out.

SMU sucks because it is the embodiment of all hat and not cattle. The stadium is so small even Bryce Young looks tall in there. Located in the wealthiest neighborhood in the biggest city in a football-talent rich state, SMU still had to pay the ACC to join. The ACC! You are not a serious football operation if you have any of the following names on your roster, and SMU has all of them: Paxton, Siler, Christian (2!), Dakota, Zachary, Bennett Johnson V, Brandon (2!), Tripp, Hunter, Hudson, all led by a guy named Rhett. None of that makes up for having just one guy named “Woo”, which is terrific. SMU sucks.

Syracuse sucks and nobody, not even Orange fans, will argue the point. Somehow they’ve built a misaligned gothic horror campus on a series of hills covered by 120 inches of snow annually. The town is dying, the enrollment is dropping, and a delusional alumni base that once thought of Syracuse as an Ivy-level institution are finding out they are just overpriced Canisius.

SYRACUSE CAVEAT: Syracuse will display Otto the Orange on their helmets for the first time ever this Saturday. This is a first step toward sucking less.

Auburn @ Ole Miss

(12:45 PM ET) Auburn’s worst season is 1950, 0-10. Ole Miss’s worst is 2011, 2-10

Auburn sucks. Full disclosure, The Commissioner was an enrolled student for one year at Auburn. So, when The Commissioner tells you Auburn sucks, he knows what he’s talking about. Food was terrible. It was so bad, that 40 years later I’m still complaining about it. Bo Jackson is overrated, Cam Newton was paid illegally, and the uniforms are so dull they make Penn State jealous. This is the Suckiest Village on the Plains.

Ole Miss sucks. Even Lane Kiffin says so, and he’s the king of suck.

Arizona State @ BYU

(3:30 PM ET) Arizona State’s worst on-field season is 1942, 2-8. BYU’s worst is 1949, 0-11.

Arizona State sucks. It is the 3rd largest university by enrollment in the United States, behind Western Governors University and Southern New Hampshire University. There are 80,000 students on campus and 73,000 fully on-line. This place will admit anybody, even Cam Skattebo, and still can’t even win the Big12. Arizona State sucks.

BYU sucks, as a collegiate experience, for reasons, mostly the Honor Code that prohibits coffee consumption. Most of you are not tough enough to matriculate at BYU, or anywhere, without coffee. Bonus Point- losing to UCF when you are ranked #2 is a clear sign that BYU sucks.

Florida @ Georgia

(3:30 PM ET, Mercedes Benz Dome, Atlanta, GA) Florida’s worst seasons are the two winless ones, 1946 and 1979, plus the seasons coached by Doug Dickey, Gary Darnell, Ron Zook, Charlie Strong, Will Muschamp, DJ Durkin, Jim McElwain, Randy Shannon, Dan Mullen, Greg Knox, Billy Napier, Billy Gonzalez and maybe the current one, the jury is still out on that. Georgia’s worst seasons are 1904 and 1905, 1-5 each, plus the Goff/Doonan era and also any basketball season.

Florida sucks. Full disclosure, The Commissioner has a degree from the University of Florida, so I know what I’m talking about. First, the campus is full of The Commissioner’s fellow Floridians, which needs no explanation.

Second, in August of this year (2026) the school banished the Krishna lunch from campus. For 55 years, the Hare Krishnas served hot meals on the Plaza of the Americas right in front of the elite Smathers Library, the largest library system in Florida. Food was served by Krishnas for free or a suggested donation every week day, rain or shine. These were ‘Karma-free” vegetarian meals and the Spaghetti Wednesday was really popular. By the end, there was a permanent food distribution area, replacing the folding tables they started with in the 1970’s when Mudcrutch, the band that would become Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, performed on the Plaza and ate lunch with the Krishnas and the students and the faculty and anyone else who wandered in.

There are excuses for the removal of Krishna lunch that, in the opinion of The Commissioner, unnecessarily defy 55 years of peaceful cooperation and tradition. This, plus the 2017 demise of Burrito Brothers, is why UF sucks.

That coaching list doesn’t help, either.

UGA sucks and they know it, not even deep down, but on the surface of their tawdry, dirty, anti-American souls. UGA, for all the tradition wrapped in ante-bellum splendor, is really a Loyalist operation that preferred King George to American independence. It’s a British bulldog mascot for a reason! UGA’s claim as the “Birthplace of Public Higher Education in the United States” is simply cover for “We built a British institution right after the American Revolution, designed it to look like a Oxford, in a state named for the King, and with full sympathy and support for Monarchy, the Divine Right of Kings, and opposition to the American Constitution and the ideal of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. If Kirby Smart could read, he’d be pleased.

That sucks. It’s hard to argue. It’s also why Steve Spurrier’s 11-1 record coaching against UGA while at UF makes him one of the United States’ Greatest Patriots.

South Carolina @ Oklahoma

(4:15 PM ET) South Carolina’s worst season is 1999, 0-11, its first winless year since 1897. Oklahoma’s worst is 1996, 3-8.

The Gamecocks suck and if you ever visit Columbia, South Carolina, you will understand why. All the charm of congealed jello salad in an un-air conditioned wooden shack. The barbecue here is mostly from a can.

Oklahoma sucks. It’s just Kansas, but boring.

Nevada @ UCLA

(4:15 PM ET) Nevada’s worst season is 1950 when it dropped the program. UCLA’s worst is 1940, 1-9.

Nevada probably sucks, and if I could find any information about the school and where it is, I’d point out the flaws, but Nevada is unknowable. There’s no way to find out.

UCLA sucks because it is historically a roster of pretty uniforms bathed in empty seats at America’s best venue. The Keanu Reeves of football. A long history of sucking, despite their current undefeated record.

Purdue @ Penn State

(4:15 PM ET) Purdue’s worst seasons are 2013 and 2024, 1-11 each; Penn State’s worst by winning percentage is 1931, 2-8, and by cultural and legal malfeasance, 1969-1999.

Purdue sucks. They just do, consistently. I’m not sure why we expect a bunch of calculus-capable wanna-be astronauts to also be good at football, so maybe it’s our fault, but that’s not how this works. So, Purdue sucks.

Penn State sucks. They won two mythical national titles during the Reagan administration. Since then, nothing but below average quarterbacks, Citrus Bowl losses, and the occasional assistant coach felony trial. The uniforms looked like you dropped a vanilla ice cream cone in peat soil and then walked away. Pennsylvania is home to the Meadowcroft Rockshelter, a place ‘Archaeologists’ claim is the oldest site of continuous human habitation in North America. It is 111 miles from State College. Thus, proof that no humans have ever willingly wanted to spend time in State College, ever, over the entire course of human history. Penn State sucks.

Clemson @ Florida State

(7:00 PM ET) Clemson’s worst season is 1925, 1-7; Florida State’s worst is 1973, 0-11, followed closely by every moment after August 30, 2025.

Clemson sucks. Just ask them. Here are uncredited, random, postings from the web from people who ruined their lives by caring about Clemson football:
“We played exactly like a team who heard their Head Coach say this week that it is okay that we have absolutely sucked in every game this year because we won last year and boy 10 years ago did we ever do good!!! “
“Fixing to fix it.” — A fan mockingly quoting Swinney’s favorite phrase following the team’s ongoing offensive struggles.
“Is this the 3rd or 4th year he’s said that?”
“Dabo is stubborn, won’t embrace the portal, hires friends and former players, outdated offense, poor player development, being outcoached, program in decline.”
“The only coots are the ones who are bigger Dabo fans than Clemson fans. Dabo isn’t bigger than Clemson, nobody is.”

I’d only disagree with that last one. There are many things bigger than Clemson. Bryce Young for one.

FSU sucks. And it’s glorious. It’s who they are. What a bunch of entitled, pretentious, overweening, athletic department poors. The Dream School for every ‘C’ student from an D-rated school district across the Deep South and the Harvard of the Apopka elites. To be fair, the state sends its harmless, mediocre student/athletes to FSU. The full-on evil ones are kept at UF for proper world-changing tutoring. As Bobby Bowden used to say, “Aw, shucks, these are good boys, just being boys is all. They can’t help that they suck, but, gee whiz by golly they are awful.”

Ohio State @ USC

(7:30 PM ET) Ohio State’s worst season is 1897, 1-7-1; USC’s worst is 1957, 1-9.

Ohio State sucks. The murky grey of their uniforms matches the miserable midwestern sky for most months—maybe nine, minimum. Their major money man, Les Wexner, is the mogul whose money and management arrangements empowered Jeffrey Epstein. Meanwhile, the mindless mediocrity and monumental mental mush of Ohio State’s management manifest themselves in its mascot: the buckeye. Matching the mascot to the state tree? Minimum effort, maximum monotony. Mighty bears, menacing rattlesnakes, militiamen, miners, men of the soil, mariners, and mobsters all merited consideration. Mountains of material, multitudes of meaningful possibilities—and these masterminds made a nut tree their moniker. OSU: monumentally miserable. OSU sucks.

USC sucks. If there are people in the WORLD who can legitimately confuse your glamorous, Los Angeles-based, warrior-themed, expensive, private, diploma mill, three-lettered name, USC, with the dingy, shuttered-strip mall Sears that is the state University in Columbia, South Carolina, then your USC sucks.

Mississippi State @ Texas

(7:30 PM ET) Mississippi State’s worst season is 1949, 0-8-1; Texas’s worst is 1956, 1-9.

Mississippi State sucks. Have you ever met anyone who says otherwise?

Texas sucks. Austin is just Tallahassee in Texas, with better boots. Bevo looks like he’s about half-a-breath away from a Weekend at Bernie’s situation. None of ya’ll know how to properly wear blue jeans and Kansas City makes much better barbecue. Plus, your quarterback should have gone to SMU where the rich kids with inflated resumes prosper. Texas sucks.

Miami @ North Carolina

(7:30 PM ET) Miami’s worst season is 1975, 2-8. North Carolina’s worst is 1989, 1-10.

The ‘U’ sucks. If they were any good, they wouldn’t have to constantly be ‘Back’. Miami is the Spirit Halloween of college football, renting a big, empty stadium they can’t fill up that feels, and is, temporary. If the quintessential college town is cozy main street of historic buildings, and young people socializing in coffee shops and old dive bars with license plates and bumper stickers on the wall, surrounded by fall leaves and friendly, peaceful, Krishnas serving lunch by the library, then Coral Gables is a dentist’s office for the Cartels.

UNC sucks and it’s getting worse. The university president is Duke grad. That alone is a declaration of war by the increasingly meddling state assembly. Belichick has decreed the use of the ugly, block ‘UNC’ on the field and helmets. As if academic fraud, on-field incompetence, and off-field HR improprieties are not enough, now UNC is ruining it’s unique sartorial style, and official school branding, created by international design legend and native son Alexander Julian, with a style approved by a guy who wears shoddy, sleeveless hoodies. UNC sucks, and not just because of the football game results.

Missouri @ Arkansas

(7:45 PM ET) Missouri’s worst season is 1971, 1-10; Arkansas’s worst seasons are 2018, 2019 and 2025, all 2-10.

Missouri sucks. It’s a classroom chalkboard in the digital age. It’s the school that keeps Vandy from being the SEC’s greatest wallflower.

Arkansas sucks. That’s why we keep them in Arkansas.

Washington @ Nebraska

(8:00 PM ET) Washington’s worst season is 2008, 0-12; Nebraska’s worst is 1957, 1-9.

Washington sucks. If you can see big boats from the best seats in your stadium, that’s cool aesthetically, but it’s a sign that you don’t take football seriously enough and you suck. If 2/3 of your state has no population and you think you can win the Big10 and compete for a national title, you need to drive to Portland and smoke more weed. The situation sucks. You suck. Everything sucks. And then it rains.

Nebraska sucks. I feel a little bad for Nebraska. Ever since we started policing the use of steroids, the Cornhuskers have sucked. Is there a way back? Maybe. But that requires high-level research, sophisticated labs, and internet access. Where are you finding any of that in Lincoln? Cornhuskers suck.

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL

Carolina Panthers @ Green Bay Packers

(Thu 8:15 PM ET) Carolina’s worst season is 2001, 1-15. The Panthers have never put together back-to-back winning seasons, not once, in 31 seasons. Green Bay’s worst is 1958, 1-10-1, the year before Vince Lombardi arrived.

The Panthers suck for so many reasons. The current owner is a well-ish-meaning math wiz whose core skill, and likely greatest non-finance achievement, is creating a level 14 Paladin while playing D&D in middle school. The head coach appears to have been hired mostly because he and his family look great in one of those beach photos where everyone is wearing white button downs, shorts, and no shoes. The quarterback would be a legend, maybe the best ever, if this was the National Munchkin League. The fight song, “Stand and Cheer for the Panthers” sounds like a discarded Wiggles track. The Panthers suck.

Green Bay sucks because green is the worst color for men’s clothing, cheese will kill you, and Lambeau Field is an over-built hog trough. We keep the Packers around, and Green Bay generally, because it makes us feel wholesome in a cruel, cutthroat, antiseptic league. This franchise is nothing more than the league mascot, and they suck.

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Atlanta’s worst season is 1967, 1-12-1. Tampa Bay’s worst is 1976, 0-14, its first season, followed by 12 more losses to open the 1977 season.

These two failing franchises are half of the losingest division in football. The NFC south teams have a combined .441 winning percentage all-time, worst in the NFL. No jokes are required. The fact is these franchises suck at an historic and consistent rate. Bonus, many online are saying the Falcons recent throwback branding looks similar to World War II-era German branding, which is very less than ideal. As for the Bucs, any team that would hire a mercenary Tom Brady sucks. The Commissioner does not recognize that Super Bowl. All of this sucks.

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Minnesota’s worst season is 1962, 2-11-1; Detroit’s worst is 2008, 0-16.

The undefeated Vikings suck. Purple is for fields in bloom, grape soda, Tinky Winky, and Prince. On a 6-4, 324 lbs offensive lineman, it looks like Barney the Dinosaur in need of anger management counseling.

The Lions suck. The NFL cultivated competitive parity for nearly 50 seasons, yet the Lions have never been to the Super Bowl, despite employing two of the best players, Megatron and Barry Sanders, ever. That kind of suck takes effort and commitment. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, you’d forget the Lions even played in the NFL. The Lions suck.

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) The Colts’ worst season is 1991, 1-15; Jacksonville’s worst is 2020, 1-15.

The Colts suck and are actively working to get worse. They traded their best offensive lineman, one of their best defensive linemen, and got a trade request from a wide receiver this week. That’s after they fired the general manager. They should not be called the Colts, that belongs in Baltimore. They dress like a last-place high school team. If the Colts were a beauty pageant contestant, they’d be an Indiana 4 and a California uber driver. Even as a Colt, Peyton Manning couldn’t beat the Gators. The Colts suck.

The Jaguars suck internationally. If I asked you to identify a team only by what fans wear to church, then I told you, “Jorts, Lil’ Duval concert tank top, flip flops, vape pen, Lynyrd Skynyrd trucker cap, and accompanied by her husband” you’d know.

Arizona Cardinals @ Dallas Cowboys

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Arizona’s worst season is 1943, 0-10, as the Chicago Cardinals. Dallas’s worst is 1960, 0-11-1.

The Cardinals suck. It’s what they do. It’s their role. Has been their role since George Halas founded the NFL.

The Cowboys suck. We gotta rethink this America’s Team bit. The Cowboys represent connections over competence, success without substance, the triumph of mediocrity, empty suits, the upwardly mobile underachiever. The Cowboys properly represent the city of Dallas, a place that is famous, but spend 10 minutes there and you’ll wish you were in Kansas City instead.

Tennessee Titans @ Cincinnati Bengals

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Tennessee’s worst seasons are 1972 and 1973, 1-13 each, as the Houston Oilers. Cincinnati’s worst seasons are 2002 and 2019, 2-14 each.

The Titans suck and they are building a new stadium with fewer seats because they suck and don’t need all those seats for people to watch them suck and there are other things to do in Nashville that suck slightly less, like listen to crappy country-pop music at Luke Bryan’s over-crowded, over-priced, instagram-ready restaurant.

The Bengals suck on purpose because the owners are competing with the Cardinals to be the cheapest, stingiest, most useless franchise in North America. Are there no nice places in Ohio? Just Athens? If I was Cincinnati, I’d stop telling people you have chili, that bowl of goop isn’t fit for a last supper in a South Sudanese prison.

Baltimore Ravens @ Buffalo Bills

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Baltimore’s worst season is 1996, 4-12, its first. Buffalo’s worst is 1971, 1-13.

The Ravens suck. More purple. This is just re-pigmented Browns. That’s weak. Purple is not a color of honor you’d find in the current Department of War, that’s how you know it’s weak. Raven’s 6-3, 252 lb running back Derrick Henry is an unstoppable beast, until he magically becomes a 6-3, 252 lb retail clerk at the Gap, which appears to be what he’s doing these days.

The Bills suck, especially in the playoffs and Super Bowls. Buffalo wings are dressed up garbage. Where are they hiding the rest of the chicken? Do I even want to know? Everybody seems to like and enjoy the personable Josh Allen. He tells you what you want hear, makes you feel special, appears generous and caring, and has gained your trust. That’s how you know he’s grooming Bills fans. He sucks. The Bills suck. We should cede Western New York to Canada and make it someone else’s trouble.

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) Cleveland’s worst season is 2017, 0-16; Pittsburgh’s worst is 1969, 1-13.

The Browns suck. Why do you think they labeled them ‘Brown’?

The Steelers suck. Maybe use one of those terrible towels and take a shower every so often. And not a shower with Yuengling, get fresh water and some soap.

Los Angeles Chargers @ Los Angeles Rams

(Sun 4:05 PM ET) The Chargers’ worst season is right now, they are living it. The Rams’ worst is 2009, 1-15, in St. Louis.

The Chargers suck. They aren’t really an LA team. The offense’s best traits are: “Ability to Lose Yards”, “Interceptions”, “Sacks”, “Mind-bending Incompetence”. Jim Harbaugh has never been good at anything, but he has been successful, which is the definition of ‘Suck’.

The Rams suck. Pretty boy coach who let the hair gel seep into his brain, gunslinger QB who has mastered the no-look interception, potential defendant at WR, and a really good defense except for the line, linebackers and secondary. On the bright side, at least the special teams are terrible. The Rams suck, and we all suck for thinking they would be good.

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins

(Sun 4:25 PM ET) New England’s worst season is 1990, 1-15. Miami’s worst is 2007, 1-15, aka, “The 1972 Corollary”.

The Patriots suck. Again, forever. They put a Tom Brady Mannequin at QB and thought it would deliver the same results. The stadium sucks, the fans are mostly oafish, and mainly brainless. Everyone who lives in New England has three jobs and two of them are unemployed commercial fisherman and bookie. The Patriots suck.

The Dolphins suck. Aqua and orange are for the Lily Pulitzer catalog, not the gridiron. Anyone in the Dolphins organization ever consider that a high-volume passing offense and a no-tackle defense is a losing formula in winter playoff games? Probably not, since these guys haven’t done anything but watch the playoffs on TV since ER was the highest rated show on TV and streaming was still just what the old guys at the dominoes tables in the park down on Calle Ocho did behind a tree. The Dolphins suck, and it hurts.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos

(Sun 4:25 PM ET) Kansas City’s worst seasons are 2008 and 2012, 2-14 each. Denver’s worst seasons are 1963 and 1964, 2-11-1 each.

The Chiefs suck. This used to be a cuddly, can-do team of Midwestern upstarts. The lovable curmudgeon coach, the hot shot QB and his fitness wife, the glamour Tight End marrying way over his head… it was football Camelot. Now, a few players and coaches have done hard time, there are accusations of problematic world views. It has become clear that there is no character test required to join the Chiefs. The measure cup of “How Much Taylor is Too Much Taylor?” is getting close to full. And… there was some game losing. The Chiefs missed the playoffs. The Chiefs sucked. It’s always the losing that gets you.

The Broncos suck. Their logo is a runaway snorting horse. When has a runaway horse ever benefitted anybody? The Broncos won Super Bowls with Leftover John Elway, Leftover Peyton Manning, and can’t win regular season games with full strength Bo Nix, a man who played in more college games than Elway and Manning combined. The Broncos suck.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Commanders

(Sun 8:20 PM ET) Philadelphia’s worst season is 1936, 1-11. Washington’s worst is 1961, 1-12-1.

The Eagles suck. To be fair, the Eagles’ fans, a group that never met a shirt it could tuck in, prefers that they suck. They don’t want the team thinking they are better than the fans. Because they are not. These player aren’t special, and the fans let them know. The Eagles suck, and they like it that way.

The Commanders suck. The “Commanders” sound like a mid-tier United Soccer League team based in San Antonio. Their heyday was before ABC fired Howard Cosell. The Commanders suck.

Chicago Bears @ Seattle Seahawks

(Mon 8:15 PM ET) Chicago’s worst season is 1969, 1-13. Seattle’s worst is 1992, 2-14.

The Bears suck. If your greatest claim to cultural relevancy is a 35 year-old SNL skit about your recently deceased former head coach, then you are actively sucking out loud with intention. The Bears suck.

The Seahawks suck. Are you telling me, Seattle fans, that you think Sam Darnold is going to lead your team to CONSECUTIVE Super Bowls? You don’t just suck, you are delusional.

Las Vegas Raiders @ New York Jets

(Sun 1:00 PM ET) The Raiders’ worst season is all of them. The Jets’ worst is season started on September 11, 1960 and has continued unabated ever since, a total of 24,157 days this Sunday.

The Raiders suck for many reasons which include: Chris Berman likes them and they cheat. The primary owner is a poorly coiffed, not-as-wealthy-as-you-think, mindless twit. The other owner is an overpaid broadcaster and also a cheating, mindless, twit. The previous owner was a cheating, litigious, very smart, twit who still selected Jamarcus Russell with the first pick. All Raider fans, players, front and back office personnel, and even the baristas that sell them coffee at Starbucks on the outskirts of Vegas, all of them, are the absolute and unchallenged worst people our nation has to offer.

Except for…

The Stinkin’ Jets. The Jets suck for many reason which include: Chris Berman likes them, New Jersey sucks, Bruce Springsteen is overrated, the New York Sack Exchange were just sanctioned felons committing glamour crimes, Frank Sinatra was a talentless stooge, Joe Namath was merely a Bear Bryant prop, Lauryn Hill wouldn’t have been miseducated if she wasn’t Jets-adjacent, green is no color for grown men, they thought Lou Holtz was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Walt Michaels was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Joe Walton was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Bruce Coslet was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Pete Carroll was a good idea and he sucked in New York, they thought Rich Kotite was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Eric Mangini was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Rex Ryan was a good idea and he sucked people’s toes, they thought Adam Gase was a good idea and he sucked, they thought Aaron Glenn was a good idea and he currently sucks.

The Jets should be removed from the world, peacefully, in order to fix all of our ails. Want to end the war in Ukraine? Disband the Jets. Want to stop websites from tracking you? Disband the Jets. Want to stop all those negative political ads? Disband the Jets. You want to lower the cost of gas and prescription drugs, reduce the need for therapy, eliminate the causes of traffic backups on the local interstate, and never have to celebrate “Crucial Catch: Intercept Cancer” with the multi-colored ribbons and t-shirts again because there is no more cancer on earth?

Disband the Jets. It’s not that hard.

For the record, you don’t suck, unless you are a fan of the Raiders or Jets. That’s a choice you made and can change.

HALLOWEEN BONUS

This sucks less than the rest of the post: Oklahoma State and Iowa State will be dressed as candy Saturday. Be sure to watch on your color TV.

Happy Picking,
The Commissioner