Good Day Grover Pickers,
We don’t talk about politics at the Grover Picks, but sometimes worlds collide and the issues of the day must not be sidestepped.
You may be aware that 2026 is a campaign commercial season. Now, with the help of YouTube TV, any of us may enjoy the many well-produced and informative campaign commercials from anywhere in America during football games. This is how we, as Americans, form our own opinions, do our own research, and make our independent decisions about the future.
The Commissioner had no idea that every candidate in America, for every office at every level, is actually… an awful person who can’t be trusted and should be jailed. Or, at least that’s what I heard on TV, with support from the internet, so it’s all likely true. All of it.
It’s all so unnecessary, especially when you realize that most important government work in America is done by our best and brightest mascots.
And… Mascots face elections, too, but the Big Media never shows you those races.
Don’t fear! The Commissioner, YOUR Commissioner, is here to meet his patriotic duty and provide the latest and best coverage of the competitive mascot elections from across the football nation.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
UMass @ UConn
Sam the Minuteman vs. Jonathan the Husky vs. The Spongemonkeys
Contest For Governor of New England
Issue: Campaign Finance Rules
UMASS’s Sam the Minuteman replaced a Metawampe tribesman logo in 1971. Jonathan the Husky, and all previous and future versions, are named for Jonathan Trumbull, Connecticut’s last colonial and first state governor. The Spongemonkeys previously promoted toasted sub sandwiches for Quiznos.
Rice @ Florida Atlantic
The Annual Owl-on-Owl Violence.
Sammy the Owl vs. Owlsley vs. Mr. Owl
Contest For United States Secretary of the Interior
Issue: Environmental Protection
Sammy the Owl is an elected position at Rice. FAU’s Owlsley lives on an Audubon-protected owl sanctuary campus. Mr. Owl was a spokes-owl for sugared suckers.
Indiana @ Michigan
Hoosier the Bison vs. Write-in Michigan Man vs. Chester Cheetah
Campaign For Big 10 Commissioner
Issue: Trust in Government
Nobody at IU knows what a Hoosier is, either, but they adopted a bison character, which is also seen on the state seal (the logo, not the marine mammal). Michigan’s actual logo is ‘The Michigan Man’, and the stadium is full of many of them, so there is no need for one of them. Chester Cheetah is a snack brand spokes-cat.
LSU @ Auburn
High-end Tiger vs. Tiger Violence
Mike the Tiger vs. Aubie the Tiger vs. Tony the Tiger
Campaign For SEC Commissioner
Issue: Conference Citizenship
LSU’s live tiger mascot no longer appears at games. He suffers from FCS- “Fraidy-cat Syndrome”. Aubie is an 11-time national champion mascot (a title for being a mascot, not related to any teams winning national titles at Auburn, which is much more rare than ’11 times’.) Tony the Tiger recently retired from Sun Bowl Sponsorship and is looking for new opportunities in professional amateur football.
Pittsburgh @ Miami (FL)
Roc the Panther vs. Sebastian the Ibis vs. Doodles
Campaign For NCAA Playoff Selection Committee Chairman
Issue: School Choice
Roc is a common costumed panther. Sebastian was once handcuffed by Tallahassee police for trying to extinguish Chief Osceola’s flaming spear with a fire extinguisher. Doodles represented Chick-Fil-A long before the chain had success as a parking lot logistics company.
Texas A&M @ Alabama
Reveille vs. Big Al vs. The Burger King
Campaign For Position on Board of ACLU
Issue: LGBTQ+ rights and transgender-related policy
Reveille, a rough collie (dog), holds the highest rank, Cadet General, in A&M’s Corps of Cadets, but that’s not weird in College Station. Big Al is rarely seen in public with his companion Big Alice. Is she just shy or is Big Al hiding something even Nick Saban can’t cover up for the less open-minded on campus? The plastic faced Burger King was recently fired as the spokes-monarch for the hamburger chain that carries his name due to what his co-workers called ‘his creepy factor’.
Tennessee @ South Carolina
Smokey vs. Cocky vs. Joe Camel
Campaign For Secretary of Health and Human Services
Issue: Big Pharma
The costumed Smokey is in the Mascot Hall of Fame. Cocky first donned a coat-of-many-feathers in 1961. Joe Camel, a life-long smoking advocate, was forced to retire in 1997 when he became too recognizable by kids.
Oklahoma Sooners @ Mississippi State Bulldogs
The Sooner Schooner vs Bully XXII (aka ‘Dak’) vs. Toucan Sam
Campaign For Dog Catcher
Issue: Catchin’ Dawgs
Oklahoma’s original mascot was Mex the Dog (1915–1928), a stray rescued on the Mexican border who wore a red “O” sweater. Replaced by white horses and a covered wagon. The original Bully the dog mascot, a live English bulldog, was hit by a campus bus. The death was covered by LIFE magazine. Those are both true stories. Toucan Sam sold Fruit Loops, which are beloved by humans and dogs.
Iowa @ Minnesota
Floyd of Rosedale Trophy Game (98-pound statue of a pig).
Herky the Hawk vs. Goldy Gopher vs. Misha, the Moscow Summer Olympic Mascot
Campaign For U.S. Secretary of State
Issue: NATO
“Herky” is short for Hercules. Goldy is a four-time National Champion mascot who was once redesigned because he was ‘too muscular’. Misha is a cuddly, actually communist, bear.
Ole Miss @ Texas
Tony the Landshark vs. Bevo vs. Spuds MacKenzie
Campaign For Editor-in-Chief of the New York Times
Issue: Civil Rights
The Landshark is based on a character from the first season of Saturday Night Live. It became official at Ole Miss in 2018. There was no Ole Miss mascot before 2018, why do you ask? Bevo is a longhorn steer that is enormous, slow, and sometimes poops in public, just like some human politicians. Spuds MacKenzie is a legend and if you don’t already know about Spuds then you are not cool.
North Dakota State @ New Mexico
Thundar vs. Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy vs. McGruff the Crime Dog
Campaign For Sheriff
Issue: Sheriff Stuff
The real ND State mascot is a live bison named ‘Corso’ after Lee Corso. He lives at the Wahpeton Zoo and, like the real Lee Corso, does not make appearances outside his home anymore. The Lobos, a costumed wolf family, are so cool The National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum released official limited-edition bobbleheads featuring the pair. The original Sheriff Lobo appeared in the hit NBC comedy BJ and the Bear in the late 70’s and early 80’s. McGruff takes bites out of crime, which was popular a while back, but now we frown on police violence.
Houston @ Utah
Shasta and Sasha vs. Swoop vs. Taco Bell Chihuahua
Campaign For the Soul of the Big 12
Issue: Faith Freedoms
The University of Houston has a lady cougar costume and they didn’t even name her ’Stifler’s Mom’. Swoop, a bird, replaced several attempts at cartoon American Indian warrior images. The Taco Bell Chihuahua was retired as spokes-dog to end rumors that Taco Bell gorditas were 30% chihuahua.
PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New Orleans Saints (Paris)
Steely McBeam vs. Gumbo vs. Mac Tonight
Campaign For the Key to Versailles
Issue: Public Safety
Steely McBeam accepted the job with the Steelers over a competing offer from Cialis. Gumbo, the original live St. Bernard dog mascot, transitioned into a full-time costumed character in the 2000s, in a weak attempt to play girls’ sports. Mac Tonight, a lounge crooner with a giant crescent moon for a head, dark sunglasses and a suit, sold late-night burgers for McDonald’s until Bobby Darin knifed him in court.
New York Giants v Houston Texans
Write-in vs. Toro vs. Marlboro Man
Campaign for Secretary of Homeland Security
Issue: Immigration
JJ McCarthy will start at quarterback for the democratic-socialist New York Giants this week. Toro recently joined Bennie the Bull (Chicago) as the only anthropomorphic bulls in the Mascot Hall of Fame. The handsome Marlboro cigarette man wore a hat, rode a horse, and stared into the distance, forcing 87% of the world’s population to purchase and smoke full-flavored cigarettes.
Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets
T.D. vs. Crayon Jet Drawing vs. Lefty, the Hamburger Helper Helping Hand
Campaign For Mayor of Boca Raton
Issue: On-Court Pickleball Violence
Officially, ’T.D.’ stands for ‘The Dolphins’, not “TouchDown”, which explains so much about the Miami Dolphins. Shoulda kept Flipper. Of course the Stinkin’ Jets do not have a mascot. Even AI can’t figure out a symbol for that level of awful. Hamburger Helper was a nutritious meal ingredient substitute first sold to America by Betty Crocker her own self during difficult economic times in 1970.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers
Captain Fear vs. Sir Purr vs. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Campaign For President of the New South
Issue: Housing Costs
It took the Bucs 24 seasons to figure out they should have a pirate mascot, not just an idiot parrot. Sir Purr was once mistaken for a bear by wide receiver Robby Anderson. Sonny, a cereal spokes-bird, was the original, and the enduring, cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions
Cheese vs. Roary vs. Cap’n Crunch
Campaign For Admiralty of Lake Michigan
Issue: Fishing and Hunting Rights
The Green Bay Packers don’t have a mascot, unless you count cheese. Roary replaced the original costumed lion that was named ‘Bubbles’, for reasons. Cap’n Crunch has a questionable backstory. In early press releases, he was born to a Viking navigator father and an Indian mother, later retold as being born on Crunch Island in a Sea of Milk with a mountain of cereal called Mount Crunchmore.
Los Angeles Rams @ Las Vegas Raiders
Rampage vs. Raider Rusher vs. Jack
Campaign For Mayor of the In and Out in Barstow, California
Issue: Food Insecurity
Rampage is not native to LA. He has midwestern roots and values learned in his hometown, St. Louis. Raider Rusher is a spike-haired, sanitized, cartoon version of the real, nasty, scary Oakland Raiders cheerleaders. Jack has a ping pong ball for a head and a poor attitude, but a very competitive value menu and his own hamburger chain.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks
K.C. Wolf vs. Blitz vs. Trix Rabbit
Campaign For Clerk of All The County Courts West of the Mississippi River
Issue: Accounting Irregularities
The mascot for the Chiefs is a gray wolf, not a Native American character. Don’t worry about it. The mascot for Seattle is a blue bird, but it’s not the dainty, friendly one associates with the cafe in Nashville, this is a predator bird from the ocean. The Trix rabbit is not a cheap way to take advantage of the popularity of Bugs Bunny without paying Warner Brothers. It is not. Stop making that obvious comparison. Are you a lawyer? Shut up.
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
Rowdy vs. Swoop vs. Clippy
Campaign For NFL Commissioner
Issue: End Racism, Stop Hate, Choose Love, Salute to Service, Crush The Union
Sports Illustrated, when it was still the great magazine you recall, named Rowdy the “Most Hated Mascot” in 2015. The story was never retracted or challenged. Swoop is a costumed eagle that, thankfully, does NOT run on batteries thrown by fans. Clippy is the animated paper clip assistant from Windows 97, which I fear some of you are using right now to read this blog post.
Go Vote.
BTW- The Mascot Hall of Fame is real. Visit here:
BTW- The Bobblehead Hall of Fame is real. It is a retail site with a clever name and a huge selection that includes bobbleheads of many of the mascots currently running for office. Visit here:
BTW- Movie Recommendation
The best movie about mascots is the mockumentary ‘Mascots’, from 2016. You can watch it on Netflix right now. Many of the mascots in the film were created and built by The Commissioner’s sister.
imdb.com/title/tt4936176
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
