Good Day Grover Pickers,
Everything is going to be alright.
The world, all 8,316,053,434 of us, turned a corner last week toward hope. The boulevard of good times, peace, prosperity and justice for all is wide open and unending. Turns out, all we needed was for one west Texas city to find natural, common ground with corporate shills. And a Tiger sacrifice. We had to sacrifice one tiger.
As reported last week, Tony the Tiger is dead. Now the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl in El Paso, Texas shall be known as the Old El Paso Sun Bowl in El Paso, Texas.
It’s like the city, the bowl, and the sponsor went to the Branding Chiropractor and got everything aligned. This gives The Commissioner joy and also creates a hankering for tacos.
See you at 2pm on New Year’s Eve in El Paso. The game matches an ACC team versus a Pac-12 team. All things continuing uninterrupted and predictably as they currently are, expect to see Virginia vs. Fresno State.
Everything is going to be alright—If the Wisdom of Chris Simms Prevails
Facts That Matter More Than Anything the United Nations Discussed This Week
2026 Season through Week 3—Non-conference records vs. Power 4 teams
SEC 10-2
Big 12 5-7
ACC 6-9
Big Ten 4-9
American 1-10
MAC 1-15
CUSA 0-6
Mountain West 0-7
Pac-12 0-11
Sun Belt 0-12
CONTEXT: Those 61 losses by non-Power 4 teams cost a total estimated $78 million American Dollars.
UMass got $1.55 million from Rutgers and failed to lose.
Toledo got $1.3 million from Michigan State and rudely won anyway.
Western Michigan got $1.5 million from Michigan and won, but agreed to take the loss because of the $1.5 million.
Also, this statistic definitely and clearly resolves which conference is best, so at least we got that dealt with.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
Clemson @ California (Fri 10:30 PM ET)
ACC Game of the Week. They’ve met once, and Cal won 37-13 in the Florida Citrus Bowl on Jan. 1, 1992. Not that anybody but Cal remembers. A Clemson loss after midnight on the East Coast does not count in the standings. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.
Mascot fight: Tiger vs. Golden Bear. Both are apex predators, but the bear outweighs the tiger, however, and this is kind of important, the California Golden Bear is an extinct species. So the tiger wins in a walkover.
Texas @ Tennessee (Sat 12:00 PM ET)
Texas leads 2-1, and all three meetings were Cotton Bowls. Tennessee won 20-14 on Jan. 1, 1951, and Texas won 16-0 in 1953 and 36-13 in 1969.
Shouldn’t they have met in an Orange Bowl?
Your choices for the apparent game participants here are:
Tennessee Orange (Pantone 151 C)
or Burnt Orange (Pantone 7585 C)
or Presidential Orange/Golden Flame (Pantone 16-1449).
Dolly is choosin’ Tennessee
Ella Langley’s guy is choosin’ Texas
Reba’s guy is choosin’ whoever’s in New England
Davy Crockett may be changing his mind about choosin’ Texas
George Strait’s Ex’s—all of them—are choosin’ Texas
George Strait is choosin’ Tennessee
Who you choosin’?
Mascot fight: Bevo is a 1,500-pound steer with six-foot horns, and Smokey is a bluetick coonhound. All you gotta do is tell Smokey that Bevo is a Fed, and that dog starts running the other way.
UCLA @ Maryland (Sat 1:30 PM ET)
UCLA leads 2-1 in three meetings. The Bruins won 12-7 in 1954, Maryland won 7-0 in 1955, and UCLA won 20-17 at the Rose Bowl (Stadium, not the “Rose Bowl”) on Oct. 18, 2025.
This is the Big10’s answer to the ACC Game of the Week—Cal v Clemson, because tradition is everything in this version of the sport.
Mascot fight: Joe Bruin vs. Testudo the terrapin. Is there a more puntable mascot than a turtle, especially if you have powerful haunches like a bear?
Hawai’i @ Wyoming (Sat 3:00 PM ET)
Wyoming leads 17-12 in 29 meetings since 1978. The winner takes the Paniolo Trophy, a bronze cowboy on horseback.
Mascot fight: the Rainbow Warrior vs. Cowboy Joe, a live pony. The warrior uses spinning, flaming spears and you never want to bring a pony to a horse fight.
Ole Miss @ Florida (Sat 3:30 PM ET)
The series is tied 13-13-1 in 27 meetings, and Ole Miss won last year 34-24 in Oxford.
The Rebels will be full of themselves, and may be exhausted, after defeating their own enormous self-doubt last weekend.
Here is something I discovered from @cajun_exile last week that I wish I had written.
“They (Ole Miss) seem genuinely convinced they’re members of some landed Southern aristocracy because they own a blazer, drink bourbon, and once stood near a chandelier. That’s what makes Ole Miss arrogance so spectacular.
Ole Miss arrogance is backed by a bow tie, a tailgate, and a deeply held conviction that putting on loafers magically transforms a Mississippi redneck into a member of the British peerage. They’re not even pretending to be athletic royalty anymore. They’ve skipped directly to pretending they’re actual royalty. The Grove isn’t Versailles. Oxford isn’t the Hamptons. And wearing pastel pants while getting hammered under a tent doesn’t make you high society. It makes you a redneck with a dress code.”
— Author unknown
Mascot fight: Albert the Gator vs. Rebel the Black Bear AND Tony the Landshark. A gator whips a bear, especially in a swamp. Tony the Landshark is a shark with legs invented by someone in pastel pants who was hammered. Disqualified.
Iowa @ Michigan (Sat 3:30 PM ET)
Michigan leads 43-14-4 by its official record, which means a few of those wins were vacated along the way. Gamblers have given this game the lowest total points expectation, 37.5, for any game this week.
If a member of one of those Brazilian tribes that does not communicate with the world outside its village ever asked me to define the American Midwest, I’d show them Iowa v Michigan.
Mascot fight: Herky the Hawk vs. the wolverine. Wolverine beats Hawkeye in a direct fight most of the time due to his adamantium skeleton and fast healing factor.
Oklahoma @ Georgia (Sat 3:30 PM ET)
This is only their second meeting. Georgia won the 2018 Rose Bowl semifinal 54-48 in double overtime on Jan. 1, 2018.
Mascot fight: UGA is an English bulldog with a reputation for lunging at opposing players, which is only funny because UGA spends most of his time sleeping on a bag of ice. Oklahoma’s Sooner Schooner features two felons at the helm and ponies. This isn’t a mascot fight. UGA and the Schooner folks will be friends.
New Mexico @ New Mexico State (Sat 3:30 PM ET)
New Mexico leads 75-35-5 in 115 meetings and has won two straight (50-40 in 2024 and 38-20 in 2025). This is the Rio Grande Rivalry, and the winner takes a chile-roaster trophy called The Roaster.
For much of this rivalry, there was no trophy. Then there was a boring standard Lombardi Trophy knockoff. Then there was no trophy again. Finally, college students got involved and saved the day.
This is now a Top 5 Rivalry Trophy in Professional Amateur Football, far surpassing all ‘Bell’ trophies. Yes, this is the actual trophy.
Mascot fight: Lobo Louie vs. Pistol Pete. Pete, a man with a pistol, should be able to shoot the wolf, but past performance by NMSU in this game indicates that Pete has no idea how to load the bullets, aim, or otherwise behave in a proper, fighterly manner. He usually gets roasted by the wolf.
Vanderbilt @ Auburn (Sat 4:15 PM ET)
Vanderbilt leads 23-22-1 and has won the last two.
I’m sorry, what? Vanderbilt has a winning all-time record against Auburn? Sure, only 4 of Vandy’s wins are since 1955, but still… I’m starting to question Auburn’s commitment to football.
Mascot fight: War Eagle and Aubie the Tiger vs. Mr. Commodore, a naval officer. Any Commodore, especially one who can bear the utter pomposity of a bicorne hat, can easily bait an eagle with fish and take the bird out. Still, there are no answers for man versus tiger, other than ‘Tiger’.
Nebraska @ Michigan State (Sat 5:00 PM ET)
Nebraska leads 10-4 in 14 meetings since 1914 and won last year 38-27 in Lincoln.
Mascot fight: Herbie Husker, a farmer, vs. Sparty, a Spartan warrior. Conventional Wisdom: That’s a pitchfork against a man who trained for this.
Advanced Wisdom: Farm boys beat the Nazis, they can whup Greeks in metal skirts.
Oklahoma State @ West Virginia (Sat 7:00 PM ET)
Oklahoma State leads 10-6 in 16 meetings, but West Virginia won the last one, 38-14 in Stillwater.
Mascot fight: Pistol Pete vs. the Mountaineer. They are both armed, but if they check their weapons at the saloon door, they might enjoy settling this with whiskey instead, unless the beards and outsized mustaches get in the way.
South Carolina @ Alabama (Sat 7:00 PM ET)
Alabama leads 15-3 by its official record in 18 meetings, which means a few of these were vacated for cheating that all agree did not happen on Nick Saban’s watch.
When South Carolina fires Beamer, are they going to put Saban at the top of the coach search list, or are they more of a Gruden school? I hear Brian Kelly does a good southern drawl, too.
Mascot fight: Cocky the Gamecock vs. Big Al, an elephant. Gamecocks are bred to fight, but Big Al weighs several tons.
Oregon @ USC (Sat 7:30 PM ET)
USC leads 38-24-2, though one Trojan win is vacated, and Oregon has won four straight.
The Big10 contains multitudes. While Iowa v Michigan has the lowest total on the gambling boards, these fellow Big10 schools have the highest of the week at 62.5.
Mascot fight: the Oregon Duck vs. Traveler, a white horse, AND Tommy Trojan. You might lean toward the sword-wielding warrior on the horse, but the Duck successfully negotiated with Disney lawyers for a license to use Donald’s likeness. They are savage. Advantage: Oregon.
Texas A&M @ LSU (Sat 7:30 PM ET)
LSU leads 32-25-3 in 64 meetings, but Texas A&M has won the last two, 38-23 in 2024 and 49-25 in Baton Rouge in 2025.
Does Lane get to keep coaching this week, or has Governor Jeff Landry taken over play calling, too?
Mascot fight: Reveille, a rough collie who outranks everyone in the Corps of Cadets, vs. Mike the Tiger, a live tiger. You can give that dog any rank you want, but a tiger is a tiger.
Missouri @ Mississippi State (Sat 7:45 PM ET)
Missouri leads 4-2 in six meetings since 1981 and has won the last two.
The jello casserole of SEC games.
Mascot fight: Truman the Tiger vs. Bully the Bulldog and the cowbells. As stated in the Texas A&M v LSU point, a tiger is a tiger, and no dog is a match, but those cowbells are evil. Cowbells can be rung to confuse and irritate the enemy and they can be swung, like a cast-iron skillet. A more even match than most expect.
PROFESSIONAL PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
Falcons @ Packers (Thu 8:15 PM ET)
Packers lead 19-17 in 36 meetings. The Falcons drafted Brett Favre and traded him to Green Bay in 1992 and just knew it was a good idea.
Michael Penix is scheduled to QB for the Falcons on Thursday, but if not, Tua might be available. Tua is currently being paid by two teams, the Dolphins and the Falcons, that are both likely trying to get a very high draft pick so they can add a new failed quarterback to their roster next spring. I don’t know what you call that, but congrats, Tua. A very powerful and consequential player.
Mascot fight: a falcon vs. a meat packer. Three words. Tastes. Like. Chicken.
Seahawks @ Commanders (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Washington leads 13-11 in 24 meetings.
Commanders, don’t worry about losing your QB again. In the Super Bowl era, 10 backups have led their teams to the Super Bowl. Doug Williams did it for your own favorite team! The legendary Earl Morrall did it twice, with two different teams!
Mascot fight: Blitz the osprey vs. Major Tuddy, a military figure. I might favor the human commander, but to be in a fight, you have to show up, and I’ve just been handed a note that the Defense Department just put Major Tuddy in charge of forcefully changing the name on every John F. Kennedy memorial statue around the world. This includes artwork in Honduras, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Cameroon, United Kingdom and Canada. It’s not clear what the new inscription will say, but Major Tuddy will not be able to attend the game.
Chargers @ Bills (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Los Angeles leads 25-14-2 in 41 meetings, including three playoff games.
Fun Fact From Various Sources on the Internet:
Teams to lose back-to-back home games by double digits against teams with a sub-.200 win % the previous season:
2026 Los Angeles Chargers
1926 Racine Tornadoes
The Racine Tornadoes played one NFL season in 1926. Racine had fielded the Racine Legion from 1922-24, but had to change the name in ’26 because of woke. They finished the season 1-4. The Tornadoes beat the Hammond Pros 6-3 on opening day and then scored only 2 more points for the rest of the season.
It’s very likely to believe the Chargers will score more than 2 points over the rest of the season unless you watched the Chargers last week, in which case, that seems impossible.
Mascot fight: Billy Buffalo vs. Boltman. A 2,000-pound bison is going to destroy a man with a lightning bolt on his chest… unless… that dude is conducting actual electricity. Here’s what is required to kill a large bison with electricity, according to extensive research. Never say the Grover Picks Blog doesn’t provide the most timely and relevant information to its readers.
Voltage: Typically requires a minimum of 250 to 400 volts to overcome the high electrical resistance of a large animal’s thick hide and skull.
Amperage (Current): The critical factor for death or unconsciousness is the flow of current, needing roughly 1.3 to 2.5 amps through the brain and 1.5+ amps across the heart.
Duration: The current must be applied continuously for 1 to 3 seconds depending on the specific multi-stage stunning and cardiac arrest protocol used.
I’m saying Boltman has a chance.
Bengals @ Steelers (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Pittsburgh leads 72-41 in 113 meetings.
Steelers, don’t worry too much about losing your QB, Aaron Rodgers, to age and stupidity. In the Super Bowl era, 10 backups have led their teams to the Super Bowl including Terry Bradshaw, who replaced Joe Gilliam during the 1974 season. Bradshaw might be a better option now, too.
Mascot fight: Who Dey the Bengal tiger vs. Steely McBeam, a steelworker. There are few things more noble and tougher than a steelworker, but a tiger is definitely one of them.
Jets @ Lions (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Detroit leads 8-7 in 15 meetings, though the Jets have outscored the Lions 327-295.
FROM ESPN STATS: The Jets are the first team on record (since 1941) to lose a game when the opponent (in this case, Green Bay)
✅ Gains less than 200 total yards (199)
✅ Has 100+ penalty yards (133)
✅ Commits more turnovers (-1)
Before last Sunday, teams that played as poorly as Green Bay were 0-44.
Congratulations, Jets! You put the “1” in “1-44”.
Mascot fight: Detroit has Roary the Lion. The Jets have no official mascot. Of course they don’t. Just a worthless waste of green and white cloth, every Sunday, for no purpose.
Panthers @ Browns (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Carolina leads 4-3 in seven meetings, and Cleveland won the last one, 26-24 on Sept. 11, 2022.
Browns, don’t worry too much about your starting QB maybe being serviceable, even though he has earned hate and disdain from everyone but the owner who is overpaying him. Shedeur Sanders may not take the field this season, but it won’t matter. In the Super Bowl era, 10 backups have led their teams to the Super Bowl, but no Browns quarterback has ever led the Browns to the Super Bowl. Status quo and steady as you go then.
Mascot fight: Sir Purr the Panther vs. Chomps, a dog. The official stance of The Commissioner is that cats are always better than dogs. Especially when the cat is a tiger, but, a panther is close enough.
Titans @ Giants (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
New York leads 7-6 in 13 meetings, counting the Oilers years, and won the last one, 21-20 on Sept. 11, 2022.
Giants, don’t worry too much about losing your starting QB/Perfume Influencer. In the Super Bowl era, 10 backups have led their teams to the Super Bowl including Jeff Hostetler, who replaced Phil Simms during the 1990 season and pushed Scott Norwood’s potential Super Bowl winning kick wide right. Just imagine what Jameis could do in that situation!
Mascot fight: T-Rac the raccoon vs. the Giants, who have no mascot. Is the entire state of New Jersey incapable of creating mascots for their New York teams? Just use AI to make a hulked-out caricature of Lawrence Taylor and call it a mascot. Then, we would say the Giant Lawrence Taylor would easily eat or snort a raccoon with his bare hands and nose.
Texans @ Colts (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Indianapolis leads 33-15-1 in 49 meetings, including one playoff win in 2018.
Are these the two worst team names in the NFL? A “Texan” is only scary if he’s in charge of your electrical grid. “Colts” are not only not scary, they are a reference to Baltimore, a former US city of renown.
Mascot fight: Toro the bull vs. Blue the horse. This is cheating. A “Texan” is a human, not a bull. This should be man versus horse. The Commissioner has witnessed a fight between a wild colt and a human at a rodeo in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Those horses are angry, they clearly understand their history, and they will intentionally kick any ‘Texan’ right below his shiny giant belt buckle with evil intent.
Patriots @ Jaguars (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
New England leads 12-3 in 15 meetings, and has won four of the five playoff meetings.
The losing quarterback, Drake Maye or Trevor Lawrence, shall be banned from appearing, even tastefully, in the “Sexiest Boring NFL Quarterbacks” Calendar for 2027.
Mascot fight: Pat Patriot, a minuteman, vs. Jaxson de Ville, a jaguar. A musket takes time to load, and a jaguar ambushes, just as a tiger.
Chiefs @ Dolphins (Sun 1:00 PM ET)
Kansas City leads 17-16 in 33 meetings, but Miami won three of the four playoff meetings, including the longest NFL game ever played in 1971.
Mascot fight: K.C. Wolf vs. T.D. the dolphin. A wolf on land beats a dolphin on land. But, dolphins fight as a pod. These Dolphins can’t fight as a pod because they are using all of their money to pay just one Dolphin, Tua, this season and Tua plays for the Falcons, maybe. So, if it’s one Dolphin, the wolf has the advantage.
Cardinals @ 49ers (Sun 4:05 PM ET)
San Francisco leads 38-31 in 69 meetings.
The Cardinals have a winning record against just 3 current NFL teams: the Jaguars (.571), Saints (.531) and Eagles (.508). However, the Cardinals can celebrate winning all-time records against ALL of the following defunct teams. These are all professional football teams, even if some of them appear to be baseball teams or car dealership squads:
Akron Indians
Baltimore Colts
Boston Bulldogs
Boston Yanks
Buffalo Bisons
Chicago Stayms
Chicago Tigers
Cincinnati Celts
Cincinnati Reds
Cleveland Indians
Columbus Tigers
Dayton Triangles
Detroit Heralds
Duluth Eskimos
Hammond Pros
Kansas City Cowboys
Lansing Oldsmobile
Los Angeles Buccaneers
Milwaukee Badgers
Minneapolis Red Jackets
Moline Universal Tractors
New York Yanks
Newark Tornadoes
Oorang Indians
Providence Steam Roller
Racine Tornadoes
Rochester Jeffersons
The Cardinals have a losing record against every other modern NFL team, plus a losing record against these defunct franchises:
Brooklyn Tigers (.333)
Canton Bulldogs (.000)
Cleveland Bulldogs (.000)
Frankford Yellow Jackets (.000)
New York Yankees – Football (.000)
Rock Island Independents (.333)
Mascot fight: Big Red the cardinal vs. Sourdough Sam, a gold-rush prospector. Given the historic performance of the Cardinals, this Cardinal would definitely lose to a loaf of sourdough.
Vikings @ Buccaneers (Sun 4:05 PM ET)
Minnesota leads 33-24 in 57 meetings, and Tampa Bay won the last one, 20-17 on Sept. 10, 2023.
Mascot fight: Viktor the Viking vs. Captain Fear, a pirate. Who is ‘Captain Fear’? I thought his name was Bruce? Was that just the helmet version? Also, given the minimal height of these two quarterbacks, Kyler Murray and Baker Mayfield, shouldn’t they be the team mascots?
Raiders @ Saints (Sun 4:25 PM ET)
Las Vegas leads 8-7-1 in 16 meetings, and won the last one, 25-10 on Dec. 29, 2024.
Saints QB Tyler Shough leads the NFL in passing yards through two weeks, just ahead of Bryce Young, because, like I keep telling you, Bryce Young is too short to lead the league in passing yards.
Anyway, when Shough was a freshman at Oregon, Kirk Cousins was 30 years old and throwing 30 touchdowns for the Vikings. That was 2018! Is Cousins, who is playing his 15th NFL season, going to have a longer NFL career than Tom Brady? Absolutely not! Kirk Cousins is too short.
Mascot fight: Raider Rusher, a pirate, vs. Sir Saint and Gumbo the Saint Bernard. One or both of these mascots is going to be too drunk to fight, so my money is on Gumbo the Saint Bernard.
Ravens @ Cowboys (Sun 4:25 PM ET)
Baltimore leads 6-1 in seven meetings, and won the last one, 28-25 on Sept. 22, 2024.
This should be a lot of fun.
Mascot fight: Poe the Raven vs. Rowdy the Cowboy. I expect the Cowboy wins a fight, but, first, we need to clarify if Poe the Raven is in any way related to Po from the Teletubbies. That makes a difference.
Rams @ Broncos (Sun 8:20 PM ET)
Los Angeles leads 10-5 in 15 meetings, and won the last one, 51-14 on Dec. 25, 2022.
When Sean McVay was 2 years old, in 1988, his starting quarterback, Matthew Stafford, was born. That same year, Broncos head coach Sean Payton was a 25-year-old quarterback for the Leicester Panthers, an American football team based in Leicester, England and part of the BAFA National Leagues Premier Division North, the top level of British American football.
Also in 1988, the NBC Sunday night television schedule was:
7:00 PM: The Magical World of Disney
8:00 PM: Family Ties
8:30 PM: Day by Day
9:00 PM: NBC Sunday Night Movie
Now all of these people and things come together to give Cris Collinsworth something to gush about. We live in good times, just not all the time.
Mascot fight: Rampage the ram vs. Miles and Thunder V, the Broncos’ live horse. The ram should win, but these horses are tricky. Broncos live mascot Thunder IV retired last week. That was an Arabian horse. The new horse, Thunder V, is a white Andalusian. I blame tariffs.
Broncos fans, don’t worry about losing your Arabian horse. In the Super Bowl era, teams with live horse mascots have appeared in 15 Super Bowl games, and the Broncos account for 8 of those! The Chiefs are the only other team to use a live horse, and they have 7 Super Bowl appearances without an Arabian horse. Fun Fact: Earl Morrall has never ridden a horse, but he did defeat a ram in a fist fight.
Eagles @ Bears (Mon 8:15 PM ET, ESPN/ABC)
Chicago leads 30-17-1 in 48 meetings. The Bears won one playoff game against Philadelphia—the 1988 Fog Bowl. The Eagles beat Chicago in four playoff games, including the 2018 wild card, 16-15, ending with Cody Parkey’s double doink.
Soon the Bears will build a new stadium and move to Hammond, Indiana. They will keep the name ‘Chicago’, but will be the city’s second pro team after the Hammond Pros. The Hammond Pros went 7-28-4 over 7 seasons from 1920 to 1926. Dunc Annan was the leading all-time rusher with 118 total yards. Wally Hess is the all-time leading receiver with 3 career receptions. Hess is also the team’s winningest coach, with the same number of wins, 3, as catches.
The Chicago Bears all-time record vs. Hammond Pros is 3-0. In their last matchup, in 1925, Hammond used a right end named Lenny Sachs, which is a terrific name for a modern defensive end, but not so useful in an era when quarterbacks led their team in passing with 80 total yards for a season and sacks were not an official statistic.
George Halas played right end for the Bears that day. He’s considered the father of the NFL and should also be the poster boy for player empowerment.
Mascot fight: Swoop the eagle vs. Staley da Bear. These two don’t fight. They would coexist in a peaceful, rich ecosystem if it weren’t for all these stupid tigers. Eagles and Bears are certainly in favor of tiger sacrifice.
Finally, the question on everyone’s mind: Earl Morrall vs. a live tiger.
Earl Morrall. Easy.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
