Good Day Grover Pickers,
The Commissioner is otherwise engaged this week and does not have the usual 7 minutes he usually needs to complete a proper Grover Picks Blog.
Do. Not. Fret. Are you fretting? There’s no fretting in football!
First, breaking news, then, a throwback about the evolution of the first down, and finally, quick hits about this week’s games. The Commissioner may not be around, but he won’t let you down!
BREAKING NEWS! TONY THE TIGER IS DEAD!
Or, at least, no longer associated with the Sun Bowl.
GROVER PICKS TEASER – TEXAS STATE FAIR!
Nobody covers the Texas State Fair Food Situation like The Commissioner. This October will not disappoint!
Excerpt from The Barleycorn Chronicles
Originally published November 19, 2018
The days for the Grand K are done. Whither the chain gang?
Grand K is a metal rod that is the definition of a kilogram. All other kilograms are measured against this one rod, which is stored in a vault at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures just outside of Paris, France.
For those unfamiliar, a kilogram is a unit of measurement in the ‘metric’ system used mostly to weigh illegal drugs.
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures is the guardian of the eight main units humanity uses to measure its world:
- the meter for length
- the kilogram for mass
- the second for time
- the ampere for electric current
- the kelvin for temperature
- the mole for the amount of a substance
- the candela for luminous intensity
- the chain link for first downs
Of the eight, the kilo and the chain link are the last measures still based on physical artifacts: the Grand K, a cylinder of platinum and iridium that requires three keys to gain access to, and the Chain, which is available at Home Depot for $8.30/meter.
We know how long a meter is, absolutely. The meter used to be a meter-long metal bar from France, but is now defined as the length that light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458th of a second. The Commissioner is willing to admit that even he didn’t realize how important the Hoover was to this calculation. Do you think they use one with the dust attachment?
The Romans invented the mile. It was 1,000 paces of two steps each, about 5,000 feet. We do not know why Queen Elizabeth the First decreed that a mile would henceforth be 8 furlongs, which is 5,280 feet, but the result is that the Denver Broncos play in 8 Furlong High Stadium (nobody paid the Commissioner to use the sponsor name, so 8 Furlong Stadium it remains.)
Is anyone else wondering why all these measures are kept under lock and key by the French? Something that precise and obsessive feels much more German or Persian, maybe even Swedish.
Our football first down owes a debt to the 1266 law titled, “Composition of Yards and Perches”. This law combined the Anglo-Saxon measures with the Roman measures and made a few adjustments. Most important to the modern game of football was the barleycorn.
It was set forth that from 1266 (on or about) and forward:
- 3 barleycorn would equal 1 inch.
- 12 inches in a foot.
- 3 feet in a yard.
- 5 yards equals half a perch
- 40 perches in length by 4 perches breadth make an acre.
These new measurements were 10/11 of the previous measurements.
Therefore, and for the rest of time, a football team must gain exactly or at least 1,080 barleycorn to gain a first down.
Before 1266, a team needed to gain 1,188 barleycorn for a first down. Think of how many times a linesman spotted a ball precisely with his right foot, brought out the chain, knelt down for a closer look at the ‘nose’ of the ball vis-à-vis the perfectly perpendicular yard marker post, pulled an official NFL index card and divined that your team had gained the requisite 1,080 barleycorn.
In 1265, that would have been 8 barleycorns short!
PROFESSIONAL PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
BROWNS V BUCS
Former Browns’ starting quarterback Baker Mayfield is a petty, petty, petty man. He’s better off without the Browns, but will still try to ‘make a statement’ about how he was ‘disrespected’ when he left. Football, and sports, are nothing without manufactured macro-aggressions. With Mayfield gone, the Browns have been able to rebuild the franchise in a way that more closely aligns with their historic branding: Terrible and Disappointing Football in Very Bad Weather. Tune in for some public humiliation either way.
JAGS V BRONCOS
Make this pick based on haircuts. If you like long, flowing, and blonde, it’s the Jags and romance novel cover art Trevor Lawrence. If you are more of a precise military high-and-tight guy, stick with the Broncos’ boot-camp ready QB Bo Nix. Sure, no QB with Trevor Lawrence’s hair has ever won the Super Bowl, but, counterpoint, this game is not the Super Bowl AND Johnny Unitas, the greatest short-haired QB this side of Earl Morrall, never won a Super Bowl, either.
VIKINGS V BEARS
Sure, the Bears scored 59 points on opening weekend, but they also gave up 361 yards and 3 passing TD’s to Bryce Young, who remains the size of a well behaved, but somehow functional, 5th grade pee-wee team QB. Young averaged over 9 yards per completion against Chicago, which is a ton, and he never, not once, saw who he was throwing to! What are the Vikings’ Justin Jefferson and whichever larger second-hand QB starts for the Vikings going to do to the Bears?
PANTHERS V FALCONS
Quietly, the Falcons have amassed a hospital wing full of injured players and found a way to insert Cooper Rush as the starting QB in a bid to outfox the Dolphins for the first pick in next year’s draft. Still, Falcons RB Bijan Robinson is the best player on the field and the Panthers’ defense plays like 4 sandbags against a 12-foot storm surge.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
THE REASON WE PICK CRAPPY GAMES
Cupcake Picks are over. Hope you enjoyed some easy wins. Grover Picks is an advanced contest for qualified Super Genius candidates. Any fool can pick Tennessee over Kennesaw State or UMASS over Rutgers. Now we get serious and sometimes ‘serious’ means ‘crappy’.
CRAPPY GAMES
49ers V MOUNTAINEERS
Rivalry game and Charlotte is the loser either way. App State has a better stadium, better football history, and isn’t collecting $27 million American dollars per school year in student fees to fund losing to Citadel and App State.
PANTHERS V OWLS
FIU v FAU! Do you know the difference? Lane Kiffin coached one of these schools, so if you hate Lane Kiffin, you got a 50/50 chance to pick against him twice this week!
HOKIES V TERRAPINS
Technically, a matchup of poultry versus reptiles. Also, technically, an ACC game.
September Maryland is often very, very good. Head Coach Mike Locksley is 21-5 in September and 15-34 in every other month combined. Do you dare pick against the Mighty Turtles in September? Do you have faith in Virginia Tech Coach James Franklin?
BUFFALOES V WILDCATS
Northwestern’s coaching staff includes a Bicknell, a Sarkisian, and a Neuheisel, none of whom are the head coach. Chip Kelly is the offensive coordinator. It’s unclear who the head coach of Northwestern football is, and there is no way to find out. Does the big “N” on the helmet stand for “Nepotism” or “Nobody You Know”?
Colorado counters with coaches with names that include “Prime”, “Gunnar” and “Hammer”. Plus, “Buffs” is a much better football nickname than “Cats”. Last, Big10 football is no match for Big12 football, naturally, since 12 is bigger than 10. Don’t argue with math.
TAR HEELS V TIGERS
The Old School Championship. Old School Clemson uses high school recruits who will play for lunch money and free cleats. Old School UNC uses former D3 walk-ons who enjoy cocaine with coaches and fraternizing with the recruiting staff (if you choose to believe the worst alleged reports of irresponsible behavior at UNC, which, if you are not a Tar Heel fan, you will because it is more fun).
Advantage UNC. They are finally starting to act like a real, old-school SEC team, or Barry Switzer’s Oklahoma teams. Welcome to the big time.
STANFORD V DUKE
AKA Hoity v Toity. I’m just glad they let people like me even type “Stanford v Duke” for free. I fear, in the coming wave of private equity, that’s gonna have a fee attached.
SEMINOLES V CRIMSON TIDE
Remember in the movie Return of the Jedi, when Boba Fett was sliding helplessly into the mouth of the Sarlacc on Tatooine? That’s FSU. The good news for Seminole fans is that Boba Fett survived being swallowed by the Sarlacc. The bad news is that this metaphor is based on a fictional character in a fictional story. The Noles are actually sliding into oblivion. Say hello to Clemson when you get there.
NOT CRAPPY GAMES
PRIMARY BULLDOGS V RAZORBACKS
The assumption is that Georgia is still really good and Arkansas really isn’t. It is in these moments, when you least expect it, that your ‘winning’ program drives 16 years of success into a ditch.
WOLFPACK V COMMODORES
A full set of white-haired, pot-bellied, blue sport-coated representatives from the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl will be watching this outcome veeeeery closely. Just let NC State and Vandy have their fun and we’ll break the news about Tony the Tiger after the game. We can make the winner a front-runner for the Gasparilla Bowl if it makes them feel better.
ALTERNATE BULLDOGS V GAMECOCKS
Fun quarterbacks for each team, all wearing ugly uniforms featuring 1872’s Vogue Magazine Color of the Year, maroon.
Is Will Ferrell the most famous cowbell player in America today? If so, who is second, and how embarrassing would it be if the second most famous/accomplished cowbell musician was NOT a Mississippi State grad? The Alternate Bulldogs have just two things they are good at, cowbells and rocket ships, and maybe they are merely average at cowbells.
GATORS V TIGERS
I wrote a whole thing about Steve Spurrier and the Gainesville Murders and an ‘extra’ murder in Gainesville in 1991 that nobody else remembers. The Commissioner was there for all of it. Way too close to much of the worst of it. If you wish to learn about that time, watch the new 30-for-30 on ESPN, “14 Days in Gainesville”. I’m sure it’s a terrific documentary. I don’t think I need to watch it.
I scrapped that story for something happier and more timely…
Official German Tourist Freddy, famous for his discovery of Waffle House and Buc-ee’s and all the best American culture during his World Cup travels, is back in America. He’ll be in Jordan-Hare on Saturday night. Apparently he had a great time in Auburn for an exhibition soccer match and wants to see what actual football looks like in that stadium.
Freddy is about to learn about the Mighty Gators. What a great day for Freddy!
Highly recommend following him on Twitter at @FreddyLA7
LSU V OLE MISS
Maturity. Perspective. Class. Sportsmanship. Maybe even some Southern Hospitality, as the Governor of Louisiana has suggested.
More likely, a few fans will be forced to borrow against their promised $5,000 federal election bribe payment for bail money. I hope they are very patient.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 