August 2026
Good Day Grover Pickers,
In the foundational construction of natural numbers via the Peano axioms, zero is not derived from subtraction or absence—it is taken as a primitive, undefined starting object.
Primitive? Undefined? Starting?
Welcome to Week Zero! Let’s kick off 2026!
The Commissioner’s Decree
The Commissioner hereby announces and declares the 2026-27 Football Season shall begin lo this very Saturday at the toll of noon on the Clery’s Clock on O’Connell Street, Dublin.
Neath the malt and barely scented bar above Guinesses’ St. James Gate, along the River Liffey, not a kilometer from Temple Bar and within eyesight of Trinity College, adjacent to the green grass field beyond the Oscar Wilde monument on Merrion Square, American Football, or at least the best version UNC and TCU can approximate, shall commence it’s next, greatest season.
For exactly 169 days, until the last heart is broken on Super Bowl Sunday/Valentines Day/Galentines Day, February 14, 2027, there shall be football.
Which teams win? Which teams disappoint? Which players thrills us? Which players best reward our fake-but-real outrage?
Ah, Dear Picker, the answer was given to us 131 years ago by Algernon Moncrieff, reciting the text of Ireland’s greatest writer (don’t look it up), Oscar Wilde, at the premiere of The Importance of Being Earnest, February 14, 1895.
“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.”
But First….
WHAT YOU MISSED SINCE LAST SEASON ENDED
USF GROWS UP
The USF Bulls athletic department abolished the Athletic Director Position and now uses a Chief Executive Officer. Gotta run it like a business.
IMG ACADEMY SUBJECT OF NEXT “SICARIO” FILM?
IMG Academy, the sports organization with a high school on the side, was fined $1.72 million American dollars by the United States Treasury Department for accepting tuition money tied to a Mexican drug cartel.
Wish I could have been at that booster club meeting where they explained why they needed to do an extra car wash fundraiser this year.
RABBIT SEASON
Bad Bunny was the most watched Super Bowl Halftime show of all-time.
A NEW HOPE
In March, Louisiana Tech was stuck between conferences. The Bulldogs intended to leave Conference USA and accept an invitation to join the Sun Belt Conference. There were some loose ends, ragged details, unmet payoffs, negotiations…. it was an unsettled situation.
So, when it came time to announce conference football schedules, both CUSA and the SunBelt made schedules including Louisiana Tech. Briefly, the Bulldogs were facing a 20 game schedule including multiple games per week in different conferences.
Here is Louisiana Tech’s original mid-October slate:
Thursday October 8 at FIU
Saturday October 10 v Louisiana
Wednesday October 14 v Missouri State
Saturday October 17 at Louisiana-Monroe
Wednesday October 21 at Liberty
Eventually, authorities report, the ‘issue’ was ‘resolved’ and Louisiana Tech has only to play a SunBelt schedule this season.
**The Commissioner strongly disagrees with this resolution. **
Multiple teams/conferences is an a great solution (see below for another alternative) to the professionalization of college athletics.
Any school should be able to field a home team, that only plays home games, and a travel team, that only plays away games. If you want one to be paid more than the other, cool. You want one to be tied to academic progress, do your thing. Just have a squad in your classic or alternate uniforms ready at kickoff.
The two-team approach means there are TWO TV/Streaming revenue sources for every team on any day of the week while still protecting player health and safety at the current sub-par level. Dual teams is a great idea. It’s more revenue for all and isn’t that what professional amateur football is all about?
STATUS OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT INTERVENTION
The United States Justice Department, such as it is, opened an important and timely investigation into whether the United States Government should continue to allow antitrust exemptions for sports leagues that allow those leagues to collectively negotiate television rights on behalf of teams. Please understand that the exemptions for each league differ, with the NFL having the most leeway. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your money.
The United States Congress is working on several actual federal laws designed to ‘fix’ college athletics. Whether you agree or disagree with the extent of government overreach into our sports lives, you have to admit that in terms of timing, this is the right time for elected federal officials, as well as federal and state judges, and state legislatures, to take a hard look at ways to use socialist principles to protect the established money machine from the existing laws of our nation and the whims of unfettered capitalism. Otherwise, all these folks would be bored with nothing important to do and their friends and donors would be slightly less rich.
GIANT SCENT
Giants QB Jaxson Dart is an official “Brand Partner” AND ambassador for Jo Malone London, a British cosmetics company owned by Estee Lauder. Dart’s signature go-to scent from the brand is Cypress & Grapevine Cologne Intense, an earthy, fresh, and bold woody fragrance. The ad campaign was co-branded with Sephora.
Feels like if you go outside, water the lawn, and then roll around your yard you could achieve the same effect for much less.
$17 MILLION TO LEAVE… THE COMEBACK
Five years ago LSU gave National Championship coach Ed Orgeron $17 million American Dollars to stop coaching the football team and go home, or to at least go hit on other people’s wives somewhere outside Baton Rouge.
Today, as you read this, Ed Orgeron is the Special Assistant to Recruiting and Defense at… LSU, supporting Lane Kiffin and the ‘Program’.
Orgeron got to keep all the $17 million that his ex-wife did not get.
There are 21 coaches on the LSU football staff including Orgeron. That means there are roughly 20 wives/girlfriends/significant others in Baton Rouge who are not currently dating Ed Orgeron. I don’t know why that’s important to keep an eye on.
ESSENTIAL TOILET TISSUE UPDATE
Professional Reporter Matt Brown, @MattBrownEP, reported in May about University of Washington athletics. The Huskies spend $24,124 per year on toilet paper for athletic facilities, mostly Husky Stadium. More importantly, UW spends $300/week during football season to make sure premium seating areas have a higher quality ply in their stalls. Another example of how the Big10 is soft.
FEELS LIKE EVERY SCHOOL COULD AFFORD TO UPGRADE TOILET PAPER THROUGHOUT ALL THE FACILITIES
Fun Fact: Mississippi State makes more on game day than UCLA (before UCLA abandoned the Rose Bowl for home games.)
More importantly, and related to Reporter Matt Brown’s extensive research into the University of Washington Toilet Paper Situation, this chart demonstrates that America doesn’t have to sit for cheap toilet paper in stadiums. Maybe our US Government representatives can put something about softening the squat for America’s sports fans into that new law. Anyway, here’s how everybody’s stadium revenue is doing.
MOVING ON TO AWESOME TRASH CAN COLLECTIBLES
Your opportunity to be the first to collect ALL of the classic NFL Trash Cans has passed. Brian Hansel, a dude, has done it.
For context, The Commissioner his own self, has collected, and is still using, exactly one of these beauties.
LOST THE THUMBTACKS
Tennessee Titans look different. Not better, just different. The ‘Flaming Thumbtack’ is gone. It will be missed.
IMMIGRANTS MAKE FOOTBALL BETTER
Sickos Committee, @SickosCommittee, is a great follow. In August they discovered this gem. Mississippi Valley State has an all-European kicker depth chart. Possible fan t-shirt designs for this pair include, “Nina Schiks Kicks” or “Luka Sari He Missed”.
WHAT TO EXPECT THIS SEASON
MATH SUCKS.
FSU will announce the 2027 Spring Football GPA as the ‘Highest in School History” and it will be less than a 3.2.
How do I know this? Because in Spring 2026, FSU announced its “Highest Spring Football GPA in School History” at 3.26. The previous year, 2025, FSU announced its “Highest Spring Football GPA in School History” at 3.31.
For those of you who didn’t graduate from MIT, the entire staff, student body, and alumni base at FSU are reporting that 3.26 is a higher number than 3.31.
Don’t spend time wondering ‘What is wrong with FSU football?’. They over-explain it everyday.
GEORGIA SOUTHERN TO FIRE HEAD COACH CLAY HELTON LATER THIS YEAR
Quarterback Max Johnson, high school class of 2020, is the new starting quarterback for the Georgia Southern Eagles.
Previously, Max, the son of Super Bowl Champion Brad Johnson and nephew of UGA and Miami’s Greatest Football Coach, Mark Richt, started football games for:
– Ed Orgeron at LSU
– Jimbo Fisher at Texas A&M
– Mack Brown at UNC
Ed, Jimbo and Mack all got fired after those seasons.
So much for Clay.
PONY UP YOUR NOSE?
SMU is going to dominate Professional College Football before the 2036 season. They have a huge, extremely wealthy alumni base.
SMU’s next step toward domination: “Mustang Coin”. Like most crypto/funny money coins, how it works cannot be understood, which is the point. Apparently, you, the sucker, give real money to SMU and they give you a coin that lives, “At the intersection of sports, culture, and digital engagement… that unlocks interactive experiences, exclusive access, and rewards that deepen participation and strengthen community connection.“
They call it “Mustang Coin”. A better name: “Pony Droppings”.
BTW- Penn State, Michigan State, Maryland, Texas A&M and LSU offer similar programs this season, but only Penn State includes an opportunity to snort the yard lines.
LYING.
This post is ‘satire’. It’s not true. It looks like it’s true. Do not feel bad if you get fooled. The system is rigged against you.
THE JETS STILL SUCK.
And it’s spreading. Now, former Jets kicker Jay Feeley has won the Republican primary for Arizona’s 1st US Congressional District. His Democrat opponent is former Jets team doctor Amish Shah. Various polls have the race as a toss up. Given their shared Jets history, this is a race worth watching for the guaranteed botched ending.
RIP NBA on CHRISTMAS DAY
Let’s get this out of the way now.
Commissioners in the fields at night are met by a TV/Streaming Executive and the glory of the Lord, causing them to salivate. The Commissioner announces the birth of commercial avails on broadcast and streaming platforms, giving a sign that games are found in the app. A multitude of gamblers appear, singing praises: “Glory to sport in the highest, and on earth games, good will toward ball. “
TV/Streaming Schedule December 25, 2026, United States
Spurs vs Knicks at 12.
Packers vs Bears at 1.
Heat vs Celtics at 2:30.
Bills vs Broncos at 4:30.
Sixers vs Lakers at 5.
Thunder vs Wolves at 8.
Rams vs Seahawks at 8:15.
Nuggets vs Warriors at 10:30.
PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE RATES GOING UP
UGA is one of several schools to agree in return for a wad of cash to print the Progressive Insurance logo on their playing turf. Literally fertile ground for car insurance prospects.
TICKETS FOR PIZZA
Minnesota, a Big10 flagship school, is offering tickets to football games in return for proof that you ate a frozen pizza. It’s the definition of ‘Everybody Wins Except Eastern Illinois, Akron and maybe Northwestern.”
DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH…
EXPECTING TO WATCH A BOWL GAME FROM DETROIT OR LA THIS SEASON
There will be no Motor City/Little Caesars Pizza/Quick Lane/GameAbove or any other college bowl game in Detroit this year.
The LA Bowl, sponsored by Gronk/Snoop Dogg/Jimmy Kimmel is also canceled.
That’s a total of 7 hours of holiday time freed up for you to spend more quality time with your… your… I know there is a cliche word that goes there… but I can’t think of it…. more quality time with… hmmm… I’ll ask the internet… nope, internet doesn’t know how to finish that sentence either. Oh, well. I’ll just watch some Insta reels until the next bowl game kicks off.
EXPECTING RUTGERS, THE MOST BIG10 SCHOOL, TO KEEP UP WITH THE SEC WHEN IT COUNTS:
The Scarlet Knights would never do this….
EXPECTING THE ACC TO UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT:
EXPECTING OLE MISS TO HANDLE EVERYTHING LIKE ADULTS
The Rebels sued two former players for breach of contract after the pair left to play for LSU.
Then Ole Miss had federal agents sweep the football facility for any listening devices Lane Kiffin may have left behind.
Wait. Did Ole Miss really get the FBI involved? That can’t be real.
Alas, The Commissioner, in his duty to you, looked it up. Once I discovered the real source is a podcast called “Assorted Crackers”, I realized this nonsense has to be real. I found this text from an article by Actual Reporter Mark Heim at Yahoo! Sports…
“The FBI swept the Ole Miss football office for listening devices after former coach Lane Kiffin left from LSU, the executive director of Ole Miss’ NIL collective said.
Walker Jones of the Grove Collective told the “Assorted Crackers” podcast that FBI officials searched for bugs in the football offices at the Manning Center.
“We actually had the FBI come through and walk the building for bugs and for everything,” Jones said. “We knew kind of what was in Baton Rouge, and we knew how they operated. I remember getting on my knees and looking underneath the desk, like checking for, ‘Is there some sort of bug in my office?'”
He was asked why he was looking under the desk, Jones said: “Trust me, you don’t know this guy (Kiffin) like I do.”
EXPECTING LSU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING LIKE ADULTS
The adults.
EXPECTING GEORGIA TECH TO BE YOUR SIDE HOE
EXPECTING TO PAY $120 FOR HOOKERS IN OHIO
According to NFL sources, the get-in price for hookers in Ohio is is $140, higher if the meetup is outside of a trailer park or pre-fab housing zone. To be fair, these are the rack rates, not the AAA Discount or Gold Member rates.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
The Commissioner, as you expect, has a ‘solution’ to all of football’s problems.
Me, The Commissioner, not Nick Saban, or the US Congress, or the BIG10 or the SEC or Stephen A. or Cris Collinsworth… ME.
Here it is.
All quarterbacks at all levels of football starting at age 6 will have 3 year contracts with their team. Each year, 1/3 of all quarterbacks will be free agents, able to sign with any team they wish. Two-thirds of all quarterbacks, including those deemed ‘Taysom Hills’ who also play other positions, will remain with their existing team based on whatever arrangement player and team agree on.
ALL other football players on earth will have two options:
1)sign a long-term contract, minimum 7 seasons, with any organization styling itself as a football team to whatever terms you like- years, salary, trade control, opt-ins, opt-outs, education credits, plane rides, hookers, blow, tithing… whatever you all can agree on.
2)Choose to be a free agent every year with one year contracts, which are, essentially, the current legal status of a traditional D1 college scholarship.
For those football players who choose annual free agency, and this includes any human anywhere on earth and at any stage of life, there will be a period beginning 13 days after the Super Bowl, when all of these humans are eligible to sign an agreement to play for any team in the world. Seven days. 24 hours a day. Global. Any team. Any level. Anywhere.
That means if you are a linebacker from SUNY Genesco and you can convince the Dallas Cowboys to pay you $250,000 to play special teams next season, congratulations.
You are a 28 year-old carpenter and wide receiver from the Schwabisch Hall Unicorns of the German American Football League and Ed Orgeron thinks you’ll fit at LSU? Congratulations.
You are a 40 year-old former Jets kicker who just lost a congressional election, but you get the offer to be not only the Ambassador to Japan but also the newest member of the Tokyo Gas Creators of the X-League? Congratulations.
You are Odell Beckham, Jr. Injured and over-the-hill, no longer NFL-caliber. However Buford, Georgia High School needs a slot option and offers you $50k per game for 10 games plus the Georgia High School Playoffs. Congratulations.
You are Pablo Sanchez. You are nine years old. Your Southpark Ramblers tape is so good, the Cleveland Browns want you in the QB room with DeShaun Watson and Shedder Sanders. Congratulations, and I’ll call protective services myself for you.
You are Max Johnson. Congratulations. Forever.
No more draft. No more portals. No more sports tied to educational progress.
Just a seven day signing period that will be the greatest television/streaming program of all-time.
The biggest obstacle is how such an arrangement affects jersey sales. Nobody wants to invest in a Texans Jadaveon Clowney jersey if he’s just going to be playing for Utah State next season.
Easy fix. One word. Velcro nameplates.
You are welcome.
WHO TO PICK
TAR HEELS V HORNED FROGS
UNC football, the self-proclaimed 33rd NFL Franchise, is missing some pieces.
General Manager Mike Lombardi, close confidant of the UNC head coach but no relation to the historically talented football coach of similar name, is still on paid leave after the 30 day deadline passed for his suspension due to undisclosed accusations that could/may/probably/ involve either or all of taking money from Middle Eastern Sovereign Wealth Funds, breaking all 3 remaining NCAA recruiting rules, creating a hostile workplace, and/or general entitled rudeness. All speculation.
Defensive coordinator Steve Belichick, the head coach’s son, has missed weeks of preparation due to an illness or health issue, maybe his, maybe someone else’s. I hope he’s doing better and recovering from whatever the issue is.
Do either of these absences matter to the team, the season, the players, or the game? Do they matter personally to the current head coach?
When asked, Bill Belichick’s reply was, “No comment.”
And NOW the Tar Heels are up to their Guinness froth in leprechauns and horned frogs.
Let’s try that first sentence again.
UNC football, the self-proclaimed 33rd NFL Franchise, is missing some pieces to the team including a soul, its pride, and hope. But as they say on Franklin Street, “Only 65 days until basketball season”. So, maybe, there is still hope.
WOLFPACK V CAVALIERS
You are underestimating NC State. This should be a powerhouse football program based on area talent, commitment to athletics, program stability, and this season, a really easy schedule in the ACC.
And just look who is associated with NC State:
Artemis Moon Traveler Astronaut, Christina Koch
U.S. Senator and famed philanderer, John Edwards
Blunt Comedian, Bill Burr
Between Two Ferns Actor, Zach Galifianakis
Mildly Famous Person for Reasons, Lara Trump
Legendary TV Host and Sports Musician, John Tesh
Lioness Actress and (humble brag) acquaintance of The Commissioner, Jill Wagner
Plus, athletes Phillip Rivers, Thurl Bailey, Bill Cowher, Charlotte Flair, Tom Gugliotta, Dan Plesac, Chuck Nevitt, Spudd Freakin’ Webb, and Jim Valvano, among others less amusing to list.
What’s Virginia got to offer?
A founding father and Tina Fey.
JACKSONVILLE STATE V NORTH DAKOTA STATE
The Bison join FBS as Mountain West stalwarts! North Dakota State’s hegemony over FCS is over! FBS is on warning. It’s time to rock the Fargo Dome with the Big Boys!
North Dakota State are the most successful college football team with Bison as a mascot, by far. 18 national championships, 799 total program wins. Colorado is the second most successful, with one shared national title and 736 wins. The Buffalo Bulls, Bucknell Bison and Howard Bison share a mascot, but nowhere near the same success.
The Bison are also the most successful football school with green and yellow/gold as primary colors.
Oregon Ducks have 731 program wins with zero championships. Baylor Bears have 620 program wins with zero championships. USF Bulls just 184 wins. Norfolk State Spartans have 380 program wins.
Jacksonville State, the “Friendliest Campus in the South”, is in Alabama. The Gamecocks won the D2 national title in 1992, but lost the 2015 FCS Championship game 37-10 to… North Dakota State Bison.
AGGIES V SEMINOLES
FSU decided not to release a depth chart for this game in order to keep the Might Aggies from Las Cruces, New Mexico from having a preparation advantage. For perspective, over 133 seasons, New Mexico State football is 226 games below .500.
Fail.
All the Seminoles have done is signal to the world that their reputational roster advantage is like an old Soviet-era grocery store that featured two full shelves of food, and 143 empty shelves behind that. There’s nothing there in Tallahassee worth looking at.
If The Commissioner hasn’t been clear over the years, I’ll set my record straight:
FSU is a replacement-level Conference USA school. Tallahassee has all the collegiate charm of expired blueberry yogurt. It’s a once ago football power that nobody outside of Leon County cares to revive.
Reasons to be in Tallahassee, ranked:
Legitimate Reasons:
1. I was born here, this is my home. These are my people.
2. Incarceration.
All Other Reasons, mostly not legitimate:
1. I was sent here by voters to pretend to fix non-existent problems because I have no aptitude to recognize or repair actual issues related to government service. I’m a fool representing fools.
2. My car broke down while I was fleeing Jacksonville/Mobile.
3. The dumpy airport has never had a function rental car on the lot, but they are out of un-functional cars too, so I’m stranded.
Florida State is not getting into the SEC. The Seminoles are not getting into the Big10. The Seminoles would be lucky to remain in a reimagined ACC given their penchant for tantrums, lack of self-awareness, and groundless uppity attitude about their place in college football.
FSU was GREAT from the moment Bobby Bowden became coach until about 5 years before Bowden retired. Legendary run. Maybe impossible to repeat the consecutive years finishing Top 5 in the final polls.
There was a time when the University of Chicago was great at football.
Fordham was a power alongside Notre Dame.
Minnesota dominated the sport for a decade.
FSU’s legacy is better than Chicago, Fordham and Minnesota. In case you didn’t think I could muster anything else nice to say about FSU football.
Today, Florida State football are has-beens on the road irrelevance. That win against Bama last season will be the last happy moment the program ever enjoys.
RAINBOW WARRIORS V CARDINAL
Jack Mowrey begins his 4th season as long-snapper in residence for the Grover Picks. He is currently the 2nd Team All-Mountain West long snapper representing the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, but give it a few games, and he’ll be the clear Mountain West Special Teams Player of the Year.
After carrying the Tokyo Toe to the heights of collegiate kicking last season (my assessment, not Jack’s), Jack is working with a new holder this season.
If you have never watched a game just for the long-snapper, consider his description of the skill required, as told by Jack to the Honolulu Star Advertiser:
“Every holder is different,” Mowrey said. “They all have different arm lengths, different catch radius, and they like to catch it in different (targeted) spots. It’s a confidence thing. Once I figured out where (Heil) catches it, I knew how many revolutions to put on the ball, and put it right to him.”
Mowrey said he complements his daily snaps — between 200 and 300 — with wrist curls, finger extensions and squeezing sand or raw rice in a bucket “over and over again.”
Grover Picker ALL ABOUT THE U will be in Palo Alto to watch his son snap Hawaii to victory. Wave at him.
Now, all you romantics, go make your picks!
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 