Good Day Grover Pickers,

Sometimes, stuff sucks.

I hope it’s not you. Or me.

In Memorium

UAB

The Blazers fired Trent Dilfer.

Dilfer, a Super Bowl Champion quarterback, once threw a meaningful and intentional punch, during an NFL game, at Vikings Hall of Fame DL John Randle, the craziest, strongest, meanest player of his era. If you know nothing else about Trent Dilfer, that story fully explains his decision making. I guess it’s still a “skill”, even if he’s bad at it.

Dilfer played professional football resulting in the following injuries:

• a broken clavicle
• a torn Achilles tendon
• a patella tendon tear
• Osteitis Pubis – a painful inflammation of the pubic bone and hip flexor muscle

If you take a swing at a baaaad man and keep playing after those particular injuries, you’ve earned a large measure of respect even if you don’t coach well.

I’m sure Dilfer is disappointed with the outcome at UAB, but he’s obviously a risk taker and he’s felt worse. Now, if he can only force Dan Orlovsky to give him is ESPN job back….

Penn State

Three weeks ago head coach James Franklin’s Nittany Lions had a lead in overtime against the number one team in the land, the Oregon Ducks.

The Ducks won the game. Then Penn State lost to UCLA’s interim head coach and Northwestern’s permanent coach, and now James Franklin is not coaching at all.

Penn State is not a blue-blood program. It’s barely even a football school relative to other athletic success at Penn State.

The Nittany Lions are 7th in all-time football wins, which sounds great, but the school has a losing record all-time against all of the actual blue bloods it cares about:

Penn State’s Losing Records Vs…

• Michigan 10-17
• Nebraska 8-10
• Ohio State 14-26
• UCLA 3-5
• USC 5-6
• Notre Dame 9-10-1
• Alabama 5-10
• Oklahoma 0-2
• Vandy 0-1
• Carlisle Indian School 0-4-1
• Harvard 0-3-2
• Yale 0-7

College football has been handing out mythical national championships since the 1869 Billingsley Report named Princeton the first kings of college football.

Roughly, there have been 22 selecting organizations and 25 different polls over the history of the sport’s full span, 156 years.

Through it all, Penn State may claim, outright or shared, exactly 2 National Championships, in 1982 and 1986, .012%

If I’m trying to hard to be fair, they also ‘earned’ seven shared, ‘fake’ national championships before The Depression. For perspective, over the same time period with access to all the same systems and polls, VANDERBILT was given a share of 4 national titles. BAMA built an entire mythology around pseudo-titles. These count for nothing.

Meanwhile:

• Boxing (5 Nittany Nattys)
• Wrestling (14 Nittany Nattys)
• Volleyball (10 Nittany Nattys)
• Gymnastics (14 Nittany Nattys)
• Soccer (13 Nittany Nattys)
• Lacrosse (5 Nittany Nattys)
• Fencing (16 Nittany Nattys)

… That is…. Penn State. 

Not a football school. Not a blue blood. Keep trying, but lower your expectations. And keep doing the white out at night games. Looks awesome on TV.

Tennessee They Could Be Titans

The Pride of Nashville (non-music category) fired a coach whose name I never knew, can’t remember, and can’t locate on the inter-webs. Rumors swirling about local fans seeing Jon Gruden in a cowboy hat and a fringed jacket hanging out at Post Malone’s new “Posty’s Bar” on Broadway are unsubstantiated.

NY Jets, Still Sucking in the 21st Century

The Commissioner is no fan of the New York Jets because The Commissioner is not an idiot. Never has been. Now, the world is catching up with The Commissioner. What took you dolts so long?

“The Jets quite literally could be the dumbest team in the NFL right now. Most of what they do doesn’t make sense.”

-Warren Sharp, Gambler,
Influencer, Football Know-It-All

Adhuc Vivit

Billy Napier

Allegedly, reportedly, boosters met with AD Scott Stricklin this week demanding he fire coach Billy Napier after this week’s game. It would not be the first time the Gators have fired a coach mid-season.

Fired Florida Coaches Timeline

• Mullen- November, after a loss to Missouri
• McElwain – October, after a loss to UGA
• Muschamp – November, after a loss to South Carolina (Spurrier)
• Pell – September, after a win at Tulane and before NCAA sanctions
• Zook – October, after a loss to Mississippi State
• Galen Hall- October, after a win at LSU and illegal child support payments

Meantime, in the history of the world….

• 8 SEC Schools have more wins all-time than the Gators
• 7 SEC Schools claim more national championships than the Gators
• 5 SEC Schools have more NFL draft picks than the Gators
• 6 SEC Schools have a higher all-time winning percentage than the Gators

Florida is the worst coaching job in college football. It has many advantages in access to the best players and money, however, the facilities are just OK (new stadium plans not withstanding).

It’s not the hope that kills you at Florida, it’s the very reasonable expectations. 

Florida fans/boosters are the worst possible group for a coach to face because what is an unreasonable expectation somewhere else, is not unreasonable in Gainesville. 

Every school has entitled boosters, but in places like Happy Valley and College Station and Auburn and Knoxville and Lincoln, they know in their heart that they should not be able to compete for national championships every single year for decades on. Those programs, historically, lack a huge, exclusive, talent pool nearby, there’s a limit to wealthy boosters, and the schools are located in awful places, even if the town itself has some charm.

Florida has no such excuse. FSU had a dominant multi-decade run. Miami had multiple dominant years and probably fielded the greatest roster of all time (2001). The Florida Gators, it stands to reason, should have done that at some point over the last 125 years, if not multiple times. Florida should have done that INSTEAD of FSU and Miami. 

Maybe the Gators real destiny is to be a basketball school. 

Anyway, let’s just blame another coach and move on to the next ‘failure’.

What Sucks

Duke v Georgia Tech

Every player on the field is good at football AND can solve calculus equations. Cool, dude.

You know what sucks? Math.

Vandy v LSU

Vany QB Diego Pavia is due to upset someone and since LSU coach Brian Kelly is always upset about everything anyway, this loss can’t add to his misery. He’s maxed out.

You know what sucks? Smelling like a corn dog. 

Oklahoma v USC (SEC Version)

Last week the Sooners lost the Red River Rivalry at the State Fair of Texas. This week they visit the Gamecocks and play in the middle of the South Carolina State Fair. These two fairs are NOT the same. In Columbia, the combination of the midday game and the midway at the fair is considered as a hassle for all. Also, the food at the South Carolina State Fair is just rotisserie hot dogs from a gas station and the most dreadful barbecue ever mashed into an aluminum can.

You know what sucks? The South Carolina State Fair. 

UGA v Ole Miss

Here’s something Lane Kiffin posted on Twitter Thursday. Kiffin posts all kinds of odd stuff, constantly, on various socials. Most of it, like this example, is cryptic and meant only to entertain Kiffin, but others take it seriously (which entertains Kiffin). For instance, many Gator fans interpret this post as a sign Kiffin wants to become Steve Spurrier and coach the Gators so he can have a chance to whip UGA every season in Jacksonville.

You know what sucks? Georgia. That’s why the St. John’s River flows north!

Gators v Mississippi State

Blow ‘em out 50-0, Billy. Leave it all on the field and when they tell you you’re fired but ask you to stay through the season, ask them, politely, to shove it up their orange and blue tailpipes. 

You know what sucks? Coaching football at Florida. 

UCLA v Maryland

The Terrapins have a reputation for being good in September most seasons. UCLA has a reputation, hard earned, for being good for the last two weeks.

You know what sucks? This isn’t an early September Pac12 v ACC contest. 

Iowa v Penn State

The football version of white bread toast, of boiled potatoes, and tap water. 

You know what sucks? Penn State’s uniforms, especially the helmets.

Bama v Vols

Third Saturday. October. The air vibrates with the marching bands’ thunder and the leaves all turn crimson and orange. Awesome.

You know what sucks? When UT defeated the Tide a few years ago and threw the goal posts into the river, The Commissioner was so delighted he sent in money to help pay for the repair. I sent $33.20 in honor of the Gators 33-20 win over the Vols in Peyton Manning’s senior season, UT’s only loss that year. What sucks is now The Commissioner receives a never ending stream of UT magazines in the mail full of goopy garbage about research and famous alumni how incredible it is to be a Vol. Now I’ve spent another $2,000 on birds and cages just have a proper place to store all the magazines. 

Utah v BYU

The Commissioner ‘discovered’ a fine distillery in Utah a few years back. Outlaw Distillery makes rum, whiskey, vodka and bourbon. I liked the spiced rum.

You know what sucks? Nobody in Utah is trying to drink alcohol. 

You know what doesn’t suck? Outlaw Distillery is now also in Tempe, AZ and that makes a lot more sense. 

Missouri v Auburn

Tiger v Tiger. Is it true that Auburn fans have started the rumor that Penn State has an eye on Hugh Freeze? 

You know what sucks? Not Missouri. 

Lions v Bucs

Who wants to get into a knee cap chewing contest between Baker Mayfield and Dan Campbell? Not me.

You know what sucks? Pete Axthelm isn’t here to enjoy this game. IYKYK. 

Happy Picking,

The Commissioner