Good Day Grover Pickers,
Happy Taylor Swift Day! The new album, “The Life of a Showgirl” dropped hours ago, and I, The Commissioner, am so impressed that the biggest pop star in the world devoted a year of her life and 12 songs exclusively to discussing the Grover Picks College Week 6/NFL Week 5 football matchups!
Taylor has football bonafides. Her father played at Hawaii. Her fiancé has a gig with the Chiefs. Her future brother-in-law put the ‘tush’ in ‘tush push’. She wrote a song about NOT being a high school cheerleader.
“She’s Cheer Captain and I’m on the bleachers”
–You Belong With Me, from Fearless, 2008
Friends, if you have not listened to “The Life of a Showgirl” at least three times over by now, DO NOT STRESS! The Commissioner understands that some of you are not capable of hearing any song that was not a hit during the Carter administration. That would put a normal person at a huge social disadvantage. However, you are not normal.
Your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, is here for you. I’m your Football Father Figure. I’ve listened to “The Life of a Showgirl” on your behalf.
What follows is The Commissioner’s breakdown of Taylor’s breakdown of this weekends’ football news and football games.
You are welcome!
In Memoriam – Arkansas Razorbacks
Woo Pig Sooie fired head coach Sam Pittman. In his place steps former Arkansas head coach and reputed jackass, Bobby Petrino.
Petrino is the former Arkansas head coach in large part because one day he drove his motorcycle, and his career and a few other things, into a ditch, literally. He said he was riding alone, but soon we learned he was riding with a young woman from work who was not his wife and maybe they were re-enacting scenes from Prince’s 1984 musical/romance film “Purple Rain”.
The Commissioner can exclusively report that Auburn boosters have already filed a flight plan to Fayetteville to interview Petrino for their currently not-vacant Head Coaching job because if stupid history is going to repeat itself with stupid people, Auburn never wants to be left out.
Taylor quoting Sam Pittman’s thoughts on Bobby Petrino:
“All that time I sat alone in my tower
You were just honing your powers”– Fate of Ophelia
Taylor’s quoting Bobby Petrino’s inner thoughts, probably:
“Good thing I like my friends cancelled.”
-Cancelled
Super Bowl Halftime
It’s Bad Bunny, not Taylor. Taylor doesn’t need the Super Bowl, the Super Bowl needs Taylor.
There will be hand-wringing across the crusty surface of NFL fandom about Mr. Bunny’s Spanish-language roots and the obvious fact that he did NOT have a hit during the Carter administration.
For those who are not fans of Mr. Bunny, or are not curious if he can entertain, The Commissioner submits that half time is 12 minutes of your life in February that you may prefer to spend in the bathroom anyway.
Taylor anticipated the blowback on Bunny:
“But it’s actually sweet
All the time you’ve spent on me
It’s honestly wild
All the effort you’ve put in
It’s actually romantic
I really gotta hand it to you, ooh”– Actually Romantic
Politics
A couple of VERY popular, smart men who make a living talking about unimportant stuff (sports) on TV may run for political office.
Paul Finebaum may seriously consider running for the United States Senate from Alabama.
Stephen A. Smith is rolling out the, “I’m not politician, but if THE PEOPLE insist, I will do my duty and run, but only for President of these United States. I’m nobody’s Senator.”
Here is what Taylor says about populist B.S.-ers with no administrative or legislative experience asking for jobs they are wholly unqualified to do:
“Were you just too smug for your own good?”
-Cancelled
Grover Pickers, if you need to vote for someone smug, unqualified, but full of useless opinions and maintaining a complete disregard and misunderstanding of the American Experiment, your Commissioner, THE Commisisoner, has already earned your vote.
REX, the King of STFU
Recently Rex Ryan, the nepo-baby blowhard former football coach on ESPN, referred to Dolphins head coach Mike McDaniel as, “Nerd Boy”. He meant this derisively, intending to insult McDaniel while making himself look like some Knight of Righteousness. Ryan was raised to bully, which was not his fault, but it is his problem. There is inherent weakness in being someone who loves to talk big but is also thoughtless and hostile to intellectual pursuits.
McDaniel, on the other hand, graduated from Yale. He’s not very large, wears glasses, and carries the confidence of someone who not only studied more for the test than you did, but has an entire vocabulary he chooses not to use around lesser intellects because he’s not a jerk.
Tua may not be great, but in the hands of Rex Ryan, he wouldn’t be functional at all, where McDaniel knows how to coach people.
Taylor weighs in on the coaching career of Rex Ryan:
“Can’t you see my infamy loves company?”
-Cancelled
Food Update- B2 Bomber Nachos
Grover Picker All About The U attended the Air Force v Hawaii game last week. He reports that any fan is eligible to purchase the B2 Bomber shaped nachos at the concession stand.
You won’t be surprised that Taylor Swift mentions these very nachos on her new album.
“(Mm-mm) you lookin’ at me”
-Ruin the Friendship
0-8
Jalen Hurts did not complete a pass in 2nd half of the Eagles win over the Bucs last week. He was 0-8. Yikes!
There are reports that he may not be a very good quarterback and stats like that seem to confirm that idea.
At the same time, he is currently a Super Bowl Champion and MVP.
Quarterback is not easy, and then amateurs tell you how much you suck even when your team wins. Jalen Hurts is a very successful ‘Showgirl’ (Metaphorically, not literally).
Taylor, channeling Jalen Hurts’ thoughts on his many critics:
“Wait, the more you play, the more that you pay
You’re softer than a kitten, so
You don’t know the life of a showgirl, babe
And you’re never gonna wanna”-The Life of a Showgirl
Professional College Football Preview
Clemson v UNC
It’s possible the entire “The Life of a Showgirl” album is exclusively about Bill Belichick and/or Dabo Swinney.
Taylor describing Bill’s journey to UNC:
“All that time I sat alone in my tower
You were just honing your powers
Now I can see it all (I can see it all)
Late one night You dug me out of my grave and
Saved my heart from the fate of Ophelia (Ophelia)
Keep it one hundred on the land (Land), the sea (The sea), the sky
Pledge allegiance to your hands, your team, your vibes
Don’t care where the hell you’ve been (Been) ’cause now (Now), you’re mine”-The Fate of Ophelia
Taylor, channeling Jordon:
“It’s easy to love you when you’re popular
The optics click, everyone prospers
But one single drop, you’re off the roster”-Cancelled
Taylor, channeling Bill speaking to Jordon:
“Everyone’s got bodies in the attic
Or took somebody’s man, we’ll take you by the hand
And soon you’ll learn the art of never getting caught”-Cancelled
Taylor, channeling Dabo, as he considers his critics:
“And all the headshots on the walls
Of the dance hall are of the b–ches
Who wish I’d hurry up and die
But I’m immortal now, baby dolls”-The Life of a Showgirl
UGA v Kentucky
There were moments since the Wildcats hired Mark Stoops as head football coach when football almost felt like a thing in Lexington. UK finally beat Florida. Stoops passed Bear Bryant as the program’s winningest coach.
Taylor knows what Kentucky football fans feel like lately:
“Got me drеamin’ ’bout a driveway with a basketball hoop”
-WI$H LI$T
Taylor has advice for Stoops future at UK:
“You thought that it would be okay, at first
The situation could be saved, of course
But they’d already picked out your grave and hearse”-Cancelled
“The Life of a Showgirl” includes a ballad about Kirby Smart:
“Whose portrait’s on the mantel?
Who covered up your scandals?
Mistake my kindness for weakness and find your card cancelled
I was your father figure
You pulled the wrong trigger
This empire belongs to me”-Father Figure
Penn State v. UCLA
It’s unclear if Taylor is talking about the Nittany Lions or the Bruins here, but it’s obviously one of them:
“They want that yacht life, under chopper blades
They want those bright lights and Balenci’ shades
And a fat ass with a baby face
They want it all
They want that complex female character
They want that critical smash Palme d’Or
And an Oscar on their bathroom floor
They want it all”-WI$H LI$T
Bama v Vandy
College GameDay visits a Vandy game for only the second time ever. Diego Pavia owns Auburn and he’s coming to Tuscaloosa to own the Tide, too.
Taylor lived in Nashville. She owns 30% of all the real estate in town. She knows Vandy and she knows the Commodores have never been this close to being so good, thanks to Diego.
Taylor on Diego Pavia:
“But now the sky is opalite
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, my Lord
Never met no one likе you before”-Opalite
Taylor understands the likely fate of Vandy football after Diego:
“My brother used to call it, “Eating out of the trash”
It’s never gonna last”-Opalite
Taylor knows that Head Coach Kalen DeBoer is not done just yet at Bama:
“I paid my dues with every bruise
I knew what to expect
Do you wanna take a skate on the ice inside my veins?”-The Life of a Showgirl
Mannings v Gators
Peyton Manning remains 0-3 all-time vs. the Gators.
Eli Manning remains 2-0 all-time vs. the Gators
Archie Manning remains 0-0 all-time vs. the Gators.
Taylor on Arch Manning facing Florida:
“I have been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness
I’ve been dying just from trying to seem cool”-Eldest Daughter
On Saturday Gatorade will celebrate 60 years as the official ‘Greatest Invention in the History of Sports from Any University Anywhere, but Especially From the University of Florida”.
The best Gatorade flavor is the original lime from an aluminum can, circa 1980. You don’t need me or Taylor Swift to explain that to you, I trust.
Meanwhile, Gator fans continue to think about who should be the next coach, even though they have a coach. Like a school girl with a crush, many minds turn to the handsome devil in Oxford, Mississippi.
Taylor Swift was built for this kind of commentary:
“My advice is to always ruin the friendship
Better that than regret it for all time
Should’ve kissed you anyway
And my advice is to always answer the question
Better that than to ask it all your life
Should’ve kissed you anyway”-Ruin The Friendship
Texas A&M v Mississippi State
Taylor understands ambition and recognizes symmetry on the path to success and, more likely, failure.
Taylor on the Aggies:
“I’d sell my soul to have a taste of a magnificent life”
It’s all mine, But that’s not what showgirls get
They leave us for dead.’-The Life of a Showgirl
Taylor on the Bulldogs:
“I’d sell my soul to have a taste of a magnificent life”
It’s all mine, But that’s not what showgirls get
They leave us for dead.’-The Life of a Showgirl
Canes v Noles
Taylor should have called this song “Ode to FSU vs Miami”:
“Ooh-ooh, oftentimes it doesn’t feel so glamorous to be me
All the right guys promised they’d stay
Under bright lights, they withered away,”-Elizabeth Taylor
Professional Professional Football
Eagles v Broncos
Taylor grew up an Eagles fan. She knows Eagles’ ball:
“They say I’m bad news, I just say, “Thanks”
-Elizabeth Taylor
Taylor channeling promising, but erratic former Auburn QB Bo Nix’s appreciation for stubborn Broncos’ head coach Sean Payton:
“But it’s actually sweet
All the time you’ve spent on me
It’s honestly wild
All the effort you’ve put in
It’s actually romantic
I really gotta hand it to you, ooh
No man has ever loved me like you do”-Actually Romantic
Cowboys v Jets
Taylor gets Jerry Jones completely:
“I’ll be your father figure
I drink that brown liquor
I can make deals with the devil because my d—k’s bigger
This love is pure profit
Just step into my office
I dry your tears with my sleeve”-Father Figure
Seahawks v Bucs
Taylor uses a lyric submitted by Baker Mayfield about his time in Tampa:
“ You can call me “Honey” if you want because I’m the one you want”
-Honey
Lions v Bengals
96 seasons, ZERO Super Bowl Appearances. The Detroit Lions and their fans are the longest suffering team in pro football. The Lions last won a Championship in 1957, when they beat the Cleveland Browns 59-14 in the title game. There were only 12 NFL teams that season. Now, the Lions are good, maybe good enough. And the Lions are fun.
Taylor Swift on the Detroit Lions:
“And they should have what they want
They deserve what they want
I hope they get what they want”-WI$H LI$T
Bills v Patriots
The Bills are great and great fun. The Patriots are getting better and Drake Maye is getting better.
Nobody cares, really. The shadow of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick still hangs over this game like rotten fish. I told you this whole album could be about Belichick. It could also be about Tom Brady if Taylor had added a cover of Carlie Simon’s “You’re So Vain”, which was a hit BEFORE the Carter administration.
Taylor, channeling Tom Brady and Bill Belichick:
“I saw a change in you (Saw a change, saw a change)
My dear boy (Ooh)
They don’t make loyalty like they used to
(Not like they used to)
Your thoughtless ambition sparked the ignition
On foolish decisions which lead to misguided visions
That to fulfill your dreams You had to get rid of me”-Father Figure
Chiefs v Jags
Taylor, channeling Patrick Mahomes, Brittany Mahomes, Rashee Rice, Gardner Minshew, Kareen Hunt, Isiah Pacheco, Hollywood Brown, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Xavier Worthy, Travis Kelce, George Karlaftis, Chris Jones, Harrison Butler, Andy Reid and everyone else associated with the Chiefs:
“Everybody’s so punk on the internet
Everyone’s unbothered ’til they’re not
Every joke’s just trolling and memes
Sad as it seems, apathy is hot
Everybody’s cutthroat in the comments
Every single hot take is cold as ice”-Eldest Daughter
Did Taylor fail to mention her fiancé, Chiefs TE Travis Kelce? She did not fail:
“Seems to be that you and me, we make our own luck
New Heights (New Heights) of manhood (Manhood)
I ain’t gotta knock on wood”-Wood
Thank you, Taylor.
And thank you, Grover Pickers Who Only Hear Songs From the Carter Administration Era. If you ever needed proof that The Commissioner is a white guy from the suburbs whose kids went to public school, this post should serve as proof.
Maybe next week I’ll do Chuck Mangione or the Bee Gees or the Commodores or Chic. I know what you Grover Pickers from the Carter era really like.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 