Good, Evil, Stupid- A Compendium

October 23, 2021 

First, the good, and a point of Commissioner privilege.

GROVER PICKS SPECIAL TEAMS PLAYER OF THE WEEK

Last Friday on Senior Night at South Mecklenburg High School, Zane Davis, aka “The ‘Lil Commissioner”, kicked a game winning 37-yard field goal in the last minute of the game. Then, last night, he kicked a second consecutive 37-yard game winning field goal. That was in the 1^st quarter, but the final score was 3-0. He also dropped a punt inside the 1-yard line and drew a roughing the kicker on a sweet bail out punt at the line of scrimmage. South Meck is heading to the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons. It was a good week to be Zane. 

HEARTWARMING NFL STORY

Cam Newton !!! He’s got hats. He got the jab! Cam’s rested and ready to lead any NFL team up to and not beyond .500 this season. Since he’s been away, he’s been designing and selling hats, including a very special collection based on Superman. The hats retail for just under $1,000 each. They don’t just look cool, they will also make you feel like you are wearing a hat in 1955. 

See the hats here: https://meshika.com/collections/dcfandom

What To Pick This Week and Why? 

We’ve picked games because of bands. We’ve picked games because of rivalry trophies. We’ve picked games just because the of odd matchups. 

But we’ve never picked games based on stupid and evil. 

The Stupid 

The idea of the Grover Picks is to predict the future; to show the world that your brain understands the universe in ways others do not. 

Nostradamus is the most famous prognosticator, mostly because he’s been dead since 1566 and yet we still invoke him as a more reliable astrologer than anyone in the National Enquirer.

Now, your Commissioner, The Commissioner, is challenging Nostradamus’ place in history. 

Last week I pointed out the coaches with the most questionable off-field judgement in football and on that list were Ed Orgeron and Nick Rolovich. Both gentlemen fulfilled The Commissioner’s ‘prediction’ this week, filling our timelines with enough ‘stupid’ to power Instagram for 20 solid minutes. 

LSU v Ole Miss

“Ed Orgeron”– LSU coach-in-waiting-to-go-home. He announced this week he won’t be back next season and the reasons are losing games, the general disarray of his life that has distracted him from football and he also has dates with the wives of several LSU Regents and one at UL-Monroe. 

After a week of thought, I’m inclined to rethink Ed Orgeron. Yes, he’s a loud, messy, sludgefield of mumbling inanity, but he may have a point. 

He’s wealthy. He’s popular. He’s already won a national championship for his home state. He’s just not a guy that needs to go back to work and prove himself again. He’s done it. You know it. He knows it. Time to enjoy. 

Maybe Ed’s judgement is not as bad as it seemed at first (as long as we ignore the title IX scandals, the propositioning of his bosses’ wives, and his inability to properly interview and hire coordinators before paying them millions). 

This week Ed begins his farewell tour in Oxford, a place he already said farewell to once before due to bad judgement. The Tigers face the Prince of Poor Choices, Lane Kiffin. Lane is trying, bless his heart, but after being pelted with rocks and garbage by Tennessee’s most outstanding citizens, Kiffin chose to pull his cotton hoody over his head to protect himself from projectiles. Somedays it feels like the hoody is more worthy of protection than Lane’s still-maturing brain. 

Ole Miss wins if, and only if, they find a fourth-grade teacher to stand next to Lane and scold him in his weak moments. Equally important, the Rebels must prevent the fourth-grade teacher from dating Ed Orgeron at halftime. 

BYU v Washington State

“Nick Rolovich” – The Washington State coach couldn’t bring himself to meet a state employee mandate to get the covid vaccination, so he was fired. 

The arrangement goes like this- You get a vaccine, like several other vaccines you already have, and in return we continue to pay you $3 million a year to coach football at the lowest pressure school in the Power 5. You will remain the highest paid state employee in Washington. 

Or, don’t get the shot and you get nothing. If you can’t figure out the right answer on that deal, then you also have no business choosing to run or pass on third and short. 

Vaccinated Coaches With Enough Bad Judgement To Take the LSU or Washington State Job

1. Todd Grantham– Florida’s defensive coordinator should be available for LSU. Now. Today. Please? The Florida offense and special teams have a bye this week. The UF defense had theirs last Saturday. 

2. Wil Muschamp– America’s Head Coach-in-Waiting is currently running special teams for UGA and on his way to a National Championship game. Teams will want to get to Wil early as he’s also the leading candidate to be a GM at the Statesboro Applebees. 

Clemson v Pittsburgh

3. Dabo! – Dabo should stay at Clemson. It’s just the right amount of pressure. An authentic big-time job, like LSU, would blow all the circuits in his brain. And make no mistake, the circuits in Dabo’s brain are like the wiring in a 72 Chevelle. There are only a few and they are not insulated. 

BTW- Pittsburgh remains the front-runner to win the ACC Coastal. So, Clemson will beat them by 20? 

Texas A&M vs South Carolina

4. Jimbo!– This guy still has $70 million left on his contract and just beat Bama. So, this is a game of ‘Which Guy is Dumber?’- The AD who thinks his school is worthy of Jimbo’s time or Jimbo for leaving the best situation he’s ever going to get. 

The Gamecocks are celebrating a late, come-from-behind win over Vandy. The Gamecocks are the frozen pizza of football- They suck, but technically it is pizza, so we’ll tolerate it. 

Notre Dame v USC

USC can’t hire Urban. Too many shared ‘issues’ at the school and with the coach, but LSU can easily hire Urban because they don’t care about any of those ‘distractions’. 

5. The Trojans should hire Keyshawn Johnson or PJ Fleck. Johnson is a ‘USC Man’ who The Commissioner finds uninteresting on television. PJ Fleck looks like a clone of Sean McVay and Los Angeles needs two Sean McVays. 

6. Brian Flores now coaches a team, the Miami Dolphins, that lost to Urban Meyer’s Jacksonville Jaguars. The last Dolphin coach who lost to bad teams is now considered the greatest coach in college football history. LSU, meet Brian Flores. Brian, there’s a bus to Baton Rouge leaving in an hour from the Flagler Street Greyhound station. Here’s your ticket. 

7. Hugh Freeze! – Liberty, a 20 point favorite, lost to UL-Monroe last week when Freeze was distracted by a text. Turns out the woman he was scheduled to see after the game got a better offer from Ed Orgeron! Forget the girl, Hugh, you can have the LSU job! Not only is Mr. Freeze back, baby, he’s got a new playground of babies who got back!  

Coach Prime to DBU? 

LSU recruits and coaches great defensive backs. 8. Deion Sanders was a great defensive back. He’s now a coach and he’s so good he can teach speed! 

This idea is a win-win. Deion gets a big-time job, then schedules 4 HBCU’s each season and gives them a giant payday the schools can use to rebuild their staffs and facilities. Deion puts in his contract that if he wins championships, he gets a bonus, plus he can pick five HBCU’s to each get a matching bonus. Everybody wins and Deion saves HBCU football. 

Tennessee v Alabama

Here’s a garbage take for all you Vol fans. The next LSU coach is likely to come from the Nick Saban Home-for-Wayward-Coaches and Football-Rehabilitation-Lab. The leading candidates are the guy, other than DeShawn Watson, who figured out the best way to ruin the Houston Texans, a guy who was a big help to the guy who ruined the Texans, and the guy, Ron Cooper, who’s been a head coach 4 times and his best result is 4-4 as an interim at Florida International.

Choosing any of these gentlemen to coach LSU would be a monumental mistake and the Tigers will probably pay him north of $7,000,000 a year to do it. 

Also- Vol fans- quit throwing mustard. If you get any on Nick Saban’s pants he’ll probably keep the starters in past the 1st quarter just to embarrass you. 

More Stupid!  The Official College Football Bad Behavior Hit List of the Week

FSU v UMASS– Free Shoes U. The originators! 

Penn State v Illinois– “What did you know and when did you know it?” – If you don’t have a clear, quick answer, you’re going to need one of the lawyers so good he doesn’t bother with billboard advertising.  

Oklahoma v Kansas– If someone had told OU that automatic weapons are frowned upon in dorm rooms I’m sure there would have been no problem. 

Eastern Michigan v Bowling Green– There are more dangerous towns than Yispsilanti, MI, but maybe not in college football. 

Wyoming v New Mexico– Did you know you can major in Meth Lab Mechanics at one of these schools? 

NC State v Miami– It’s a problem when your fan base is more intimidating than your team, which is what the Hurricanes have become. 

Notre Dame v USC- The Commissioner still considers it a scandal that on a stadium tour at Notre Dame the guide swore that every football player in the history of Notre Dame earned and carried at least a 3.5 grade point average. 

EVIL

These are the indefensible. The people in sports and life your mother warned you about. Warning- some of these miserable people are baseball owners. Most of the most miserable actually. 

Raiders v Eagles 

Jon Gruden is the latest scandal, but far from the worst. In this instance, the worst person in Philadelplhia, which is a big mountain to climb, is former Phillies owner William D. Cox. 

This idiot got himself banned from baseball for life in 1943 for betting on baseball. The only reason he was selected to own the team was because he agreed not to sign Negro League players. Baseball was OK with that bit of racism, but not had no truck for besmirching the integrity of the game with gambling. 

Packers v Football Team 

No NFL team has as many regrettable human owners as the Washington Football Team. It only takes two. 

George Preston Marshall

The founder of pro football in America’s capital was a glamorous, showgirl dating, low-life. He is the author of the NFL’s ‘Gentlemen’s Agreement’ to not sign negro players, a leading bigot of his time, and a man whose charitable children’s foundation originally carried a policy to never fund programs that support integration.  He is a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. 

Dan Snyder

A completely unqualified accidental wealthy guy with no sense of right/wrong/self/other humans and a severe lack of intellect, judgement, or decency. He’s also very stupid.

The signs were there if anyone cared to look: According to a Washingtonian article by Harry Jaffe, “By age 20, he had dropped out of the University of Maryland, College Park and was running his own business from his apartment phone, leasing jets to fly college students to spring break in Fort Lauderdale and the Caribbean.”  It’s a fine business, but in no way indicates the potential skill to operate a professional sports franchise except that, apparently, it does. 

Patriots v Jets

The Patriots management has its own list of mistakes, including accusations of cheating the game, the criminal snowplow game, and using an automaton (Tom Brady) in games. However, New York easily has the worst owners. 

George Steinbrenner

George was a football owner who ended up owning a baseball team instead, but he treated it like a football team. He got himself kicked out of baseball for using a private detective to dig up dirt on a player, Dave Winfield, during a contract negotiation. He was also a Bull Gator.

Ravens v Bengals

The Brown family (that’s a name not a description) that controls the Bengals is eternally incompetent and there is plenty of hate for former Browns owner Art Modell. But Modell was just a guy in over his financial and professional head. The Cincinnati Reds on the other hand…. 

Marge Schott

Not all dog lovers are good people. She accidentally came to control the Reds when her husband died. Jon Gruden is Emily Post next to Marge Schott and her list of slurs against Blacks, Jews, Asians, and Latinos was buttressed by her support of Nazis. Who wants to go to lunch with Marge Schott and George Preston Marshall? If you go, wear your best hood for the occasion.

Rams v Lions

The Rams and Lions, like most teams, have had a string of wealthy imbecile owners, but only Los Angles gave us a man incapable of management AND a huge racist. 

Donald Sterling

He was just here to take your money, buy his mistress ridiculous gifts, then go away after said mistress recorded and released his racist rants. Proof again that you don’t have to be very smart to make train loads of money, you just need to surrounded yourself with people who will let you get away with it.  

Bucs v Bears

George Halas and his heirs have owned the Bears from day 1 of the NFL. They have never been the wealthiest owners, however, without Halas there is no NFL. He was funding multiple teams and keeping the league afloat for many years before the NFL became a sustaining industry. 

His fellow Chicago baseball owner, Charles Comiskey, was a different story. 

Charles Comiskey

If you don’t pay your players very well and then make them do their own laundry and cut corners everywhere, you might own a team that takes payoffs to throw the World Series, as the ‘Black Sox’ did in 1919. 

The Bucs have their own appropriately awful bad owner entry:  

Hugh Culverhouse

If you want to argue that Dan Snyder or George Preston Marshall is not football’s worst owner, then Hugh Culverhouse is your champion. 

He ended Bo Jackson’s college eligibility, on purpose and with deception, in an effort to get him to sign with the Buccaneers. He refused to pay Doug Williams like the starting QB he was because he figured a black quarterback needed the Bucs more than he needed a black quarterback. He gave millions to the University of Alabama and even Alabama gave all the money back to disassociate itself with Culverhouse. He did not include his wife in his will, instead, leaving millions to a g-string of mistresses. He was even unpopular with other NFL owners, which is like being the least popular cockroach. 

Panthers v Giants

Let’s skip the Mara’s of New York. Gambling is supported by the NFL now and this franchise was founded and owned by Tim Mara, who made his money as a professional gambler. So, we’ll let that go. 

Charlotte on the other hand has a couple of doozies and the city only got professional sports in 1988! 

George Shinn

Shinn was your typical philandering religious zealot so common in Charlotte in the 1980s. He made his money selling phlebotomy degrees funded by jacked-up government loans, so, technically, you, the taxpayer made him possible. 

How terrible was Shinn? When he threatened to move the Hornets if he did not get a new stadium, Charlotte essentially said, “Yes, please leave”, and packed his stuff  and drove him to New Orleans. 

Jerry Richardson

The Commissioner his ownself had one brief meeting with Jerry Richardson and in those few minutes I realized he was a miserable plantation owner living in the wrong century. I tried to tell people. Nobody listened for 25 years when, again, as always, The Commissioner was proven right. Jerry, enjoy spending all your money in hell. 

What does it all mean? 

1. Never doubt Your Commissioner
2. Money does not equal wisdom
3. Football constantly rewards bad choices
4. You, Dear Grover Picker, may rest easy. You don’t make bad choices. You are a Super Genius!

Happy Picking, 

The Commissioner