Good Day Grover Pickers,
Welcome to week 2-ish of the Covid Football Season.
UPDATE: The Sun Belt Conference is the best conference in the land, replacing th SEC, which is winless so far this season.
Last week the Sun Belt dominated the Big12.
Louisiana beat a ranked Iowa State.
Arkansas Stat beat Kansas State.
Coastal Carolina beat Kansas AGAIN!
Texas State scored 34 points in the second half to take UT San Antonio to overtime.
Georgia Southern scored 14 in the 4th for a comeback win over Campbell.
Tulane scored 14 in the 4th for a comeback win over South Alabama.
The Sun Belt is everything the SEC hopes to be one day… except…
Arkansas State has moved its game this weekend with Central Arkansas to October because the Red Wolves can’t filed a position group now due to covid. This might be what we can expect more of as the season continues.
Remember, a D1 college football team has as many as 85 scholarship players on the roster.
Texas Tech just reported 5 more covid cases on the team, for a total of 75 cases since June. It’s like they are not even trying.
Which school is currently not trying the best?
Your national champion LSU Tigers!
Coach Swamp Monster announced today that:
A) Most of the LSU football players have contracted Covid-19 this year.
B) Orgeron, a professional head coach, claims not to know the exact number or percentage of players who have tested positive.
C) Orgeron’s plan is, “Hopefully they won’t catch it again”, believing that once you’ve had covid, you can’t contract it again for 90 days.
D) COINCIDENTALLY, per SEC protocols, players who have contracted COVID-19 don’t have to be tested again for 90 days.
E) All that leads Orgeron to say, “We do feel like they’ll be eligible for games.”
I, Your Commissioner, am definitely not saying or suggesting that LSU and the SEC have conspired to allow many players to contract Covid in August and September and delayed the start of the season to allow them to ‘heal’, just so they can have a full roster to play football in empty stadiums. I’m typing it. I’m not saying it.
If we put Coach Swamp Monster in a military court and let Tom Cruise hammer him with questions with no more evidence than this, you know eventually Orgeron would roar, “YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE PLAYERS TO GET COVID!”
To be clear, this logical conclusion is all conjecture easily refuted by the commitment of coaches, schools, the NCAA, and gamblers everywhere to the welfare and well being of professional amateur athletic schoolboys.
INJURY UPDAT:
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Louisiana v Georgia State
Sun Belt Game of the Week! The Ragin’ Cajuns are ranked 19th! Georgia State Panther’s QB Mikele Colasurdo has been cleared to play after initially being ruled out for the season with a coronavirus-related heart condition. Whew! How lucky for the Panthers! They only have 3 other QBs to choose from and all four of their QBs are freshman, so, this was essential if Georgia State is to have any hope of making the College Football Playoff this season.
Notre Dame v South Florida
How can you tell if a high school football recruit is overrated? Is that player a QB headed to Notre Dame? Then, that player is overrated! Ian Book, the field of dashed hopes is yours!
UCF v Georgia Tech
The George O’Leary Bowl. Recall, O’Leary was an Irish looking coach who had such success at Georgia Tech that Notre Dame hired him to coach actual faux Irish. That gig lasted 10 minutes when, after hiring O’Leary, Notre Dame figured out he had lied on his resume. He claimed to have several college degrees he never really earned and also that he was the original guitarist in U2. After an independent investigation by an expensive law firm, Notre Dame confirmed that O’Leary never went to college.
So UCF hired O’Leary because he was good coach and the athletic director loved U2.
Second thought on Georgia Tech… the Yellowjackets will play a true freshman quarterback this season named Jeff Sims. He’s raw, but he’s good enough to beat FSU on the road.
The clever part is, because of the adjusted eligibility rules due to covid this season, Jeff Sims will still be a true freshman for the purposes of football next season, but with a year of college experience. Well played Georgia Tech.
FAU v. Georgia Southern
Sun Belt Game of the Week! The Georgia Southern Eagles face Conference USA’s FAU in what could be a preview of this year’s Rose Bowl.
UNC v Charlotte
The Carolina defensive lineman are always underrated due to putting non-traditional lineman numbers such as 41 and 88 on 300 pound men wearing Carolina blue jerseys. If you are 5’11” and 320 pounds, like sophomore Jahlil Taylor, you need to wear 99. Colby Dorween is a 6’4”, 225 pound defensive lineman. Or, is he a wide receiver? He wears number 87. It’s impossible to tell and with all that light blue and argyle pasted over them, they just look like an overweight lacrosse team.
Clemson v Citadel
Normally we would not pick a game in which the winner is so obvious. Warning: DO NOT PICK THE CITADEL. We are picking this game only so I have a reason to show this terrifying video of the worst punt ever. As the father of a punter, this gives me nightmares.
Troy v Middle Tennessee
Sun Belt Game of the Week! The Troy Trojans face Conference USA’s Middle Tennessee in what could be a preview of this year’s Sugar Bowl.
Texas State v. UL Monroe
Sun Belt Game of the Week! Both teams are looking for their first win of the season. Texas State was previously known as Southwest Texas State Normal College, then Teacher’s College, then College, then University, then University-San Marcos and now just plain ole Texas State University. It is the only college in Texas that can claim it graduated a U.S. President- Lyndon Johnson.
The University of Louisiana – Monroe is known throughout the academic world as the “Harvard of Ouachita Parish”.
Holey Moley
For those who missed the finale of the summer’s greatest sporting event, here’s The Commissioner’s recap of the Holey Moley Championship.
The contest pitted the 12 best mini golfers the world has ever known, according to Joe Tessitore.
A guy introduced as “The White Buffalo” won the first playoff defeating “Squirrel Boy” and an Instagram influencer lady who made a hole-in-one on uranus to qualify.
Next, a Fitness Lady made par on a Clown hole. The golfers were inverted, held upside down, for the first put and each time they failed to hole the ball, a clown slapped a pie in their face. Fitness Lady defeated a Frat Boy who was previously mildly electrocuted on a hole on purpose as part of the contest. Seemed reasonable and appropriate.
As a bonus, during this hole, Rob Riggle listed 200 kinds of pie, which made me hungry. Coconut Cream is currently the best pie.
The third finals qualifier was a former golf pro who wears cheerleading bows in her hair. She defeated a 65 year old grandma who makes cookies and a dude masquerading as a Swedish Mini-Golf King from Nebraska. The Girl With the Bow was talented. She made it to the final after surviving a dragon breathing fire on her while she putted and the aforementioned electrocution hole in which every missed putt got you a shock administered by a giant gopher. She made a putt while Police Academy actor Michael Winslow imitated a vacuum cleaner in an attempt to distract her. She also made a hole-in-one on uranus and immediately pulled the ball out of the hole on uranus and kissed it.
That really happened. All of this really happened. It was on the ABC Television Network. In prime time.
The last qualifier was an Ice Cream Guy. He defeated a wannabe contestant on The Bachelor and a woman who is the reigning Mrs. Tulsa County Oklahoma. The Ice Cream Guy survived the ’shock’ hole, as well as being crushed by a windmill.
In the end, each of the finalist attempted multiple 100 foot puts through a spinning pyramid and under a fire-spitting cobra. The first to make the putt would win $250,000.
White Buffalo was the winner on his fourth attempt.
NFL
NFL coaches come in several styles this season:
The Bozo: These are failing Coaches Trying to Be Old School and Hard Nosed, but they are doing it wrong and look ridiculous. For their mentors- Belichick, Saban, Parcells, Shula, Knoll, Knox,- the no-nonsense thing became merely one part of their personality. These goofs are intense all the time, which is a really bad look when you are losing.
Old School: Coaches who are ‘old school’ for effect and smart enough and clever enough to get away with it because they have interests and vocabulary beyond football.
Mike Tomlin – Guys who act like they never read one single comic strip as a child, but are still successful. This applies only to Mike Tomlin.
Old Coat in a Closet Coach: Boring, unimaginative and capable. A real owner’s coach.
Sparky: Coaches with an energy imbalance
DYUTB (Didn’t You Used To Be?): A former backup QB who understands the players, can get the most out of quarterbacks, and likes analytics, but not as much as a guy who can hang in the pocket and make all the throws.
Gucci: Coaches who dress stylishly in a manner befitting the modern man of style, elegance and, of course, claaaaaas.
Real Coach: Really Successful Coach
Earl: I don’t know who coaches this team, and neither does the internet, but it might be a guy named Earl.
Bears v Giants– Earl vs. Bozo
Lions v Packers – Bozo v. Earl
Jets v Niners– Bozo v. Gucci
Bucs v Panthers– Old School v. Old School
Steelers v. Broncos– Mike Tomlin v. Old Coat in a Closet
Cowboys v Falcons– Old Coat in a Closet v Bozo
Vikings v Colts – Old Coat in a Closet v DYUTB
Titans v Jaguars– Old School v Earl
-Note: Gardner Minshew! 19-20. Jags win. Fail to secure 1st pick in the draft!
Rams v Eagles– Sparky v. DYUTB
Bills v Dolphins– Bozo v. Sparky (really, negative Sparky, the opposite of energy)
Chiefs v Chargers– Real Coach v. Old School
Ravens v. Texans – Real Coach v. Bozo
Cardinals v Football Team – Gucci v Real Coach
Seahawks v Patriots– Real Coach v Real Coach
Browns v Bengals– Earl v. Earl
And, to be fair, the Browns and Bengals both played last week like they lack coaching, so….
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 