Football is Back!

September 9, 2020

From a weak wifi connection in a Wal Mart parking lot somewhere near Mount Pleasant, SC… 

Welcome back, FOOTBALL! 

Goodbye Sunday afternoon hikes and Saturday afternoon lawn mowing. 

No, I’m not available to get on a Zoom call on Thursday nights. 

No, I’m not available to binge a Netflix romcom on Monday nights. 

Yes, I realize the Saturday night primetime ABC game might be Coastal Carolina vs. Louisiana. 

I’m OK with that. 

Yes, I’m prepared for the awkwardness of watching football games on TV filled with promos for The Masters, The NBA Finals, The NHL Finals, The World Series, The US Open (Golf Edition) and the occasional political ad. 

I’m not really going to pay attention to any of that. 

Welcome back, FOOTBALL, I’ve cleared my schedule just for you. 

Miami Hurricanes v UAB Blazers

THIS is really the year for the Canes. We aren’t kidding this time. We really do have a sensational freshman/transfer/8th Year Redshirt QB. Our defense is vicious. The Canes are back, baby! Miami is gonna rule in (insert any year you like starting with 2003 through the end of time, then pick out a towel to use when you have to dry all those tears of predictable disappointment). 

Chiefs v Texans 

Mahomes. If you handcuffed Houdini to Penn & Teller, tied all three to David Copperfield, chained them all together in an enormous case of flaming water while Doug Henning sawed each of them in half whilst suspended over a 300 starving wolves and everybody escaped and lived AND Teller found your card in Henning’s sock… it’s still only half the magic Mahomes is capable of. 

Clemson v Wake

Gameday visits Winston Salem for the first time ever. This used to be the cigarette capital of the world. Now it’s the ashtray America forgot to empty. Some fool ‘invented’ Krispy Kreme donuts in Winston Salem. These are the worst donuts ever foisted on consumers because they all contain second-hand menthol.  Wake has a great kicker. So does Clemson.

The biggest question for Clemson this season will be if the Tigers are going to share the corona virus with other teams or alternatively, since nearly the entire squad was previously exposed, the Tigers will be out there catching the virus again. 

FSU v GT

The Yellow Jackets should be easy pickings, even for FSU. As long as GT requires every student to pass calculus and computer science, recruiting enough athletes to run anything other than the wish-flex-wing-zone-option ground attack they ran under former coach Paul Johnson will be difficult. Stand strong, Jackets, there’s always basketball seas… oh, never mind. 

Meanwhile, FSU joins Miami in its first official season as part of the “We Are What We Were and More” club. The Seminoles are hoping to just be almost as good as UCF. 

UNC v Syracuse

You know it’s 2020 when the Tar Heels are excited about football. 

ND V Duke

Duke is testing students for covid constantly. So far, no outbreaks. They plan to keep testing football players between plays.  If you thought Duke was looking down on everyone else before, wait until they go all season without a covid case.

Notre Dame already paused for 2 weeks due to the pandemic. All that does is delay the moment we all realize that the Irish are not as good as we think they are.  

Saints v Bucs

In 1977 Bucs QB Gary Huff, a potential Hall of Fame ticketed guest, led Tampa to its first NFL victory after 26 consecutive losses. The orangcicles defeated Archie Manning, Hank Stram and 52 other unidentified Saints 33-14.  

This game is not that game.

Drew Brees vs Tom Brady. It’s like the plot of the movie Cocoon in which a bunch of old guys find some space eggs in a pool that gives them a ‘life force’. The movie was filmed in St. Petersburg and sources tell The Commissioner the actual pool of alien life force eggs is in Derek Jeter’s house on Davis Island, where Tom Brady now lives. 

Drew does not need alien egg life force to stay young. He lives in New Orleans. Just drink the water. 

LV Raiders v Carolina

The “Las Vegas Raiders” sounds like the tackiest sports franchise ever.  

Eagles v Team

There’s no confusion about the Eagles’ opponent this week. It’s the football team. 

Patriots v Dolphins 

Fitzmagic vs. Cam Newton. Cam Newton is so powerful he’s turned Belichick into a friendlier person. Hear Bill on the radio doing interviews. See Bill as a guest during Navy games. That’s Bill making jokes on a Subway commercial. 
Never doubt the power of Cam Newton’s joy. 

For Dolphin fans, ‘Joy’, is the opposite of whatever you’ve been feeling since Marino retired. 

Cowboys v Rams

The Rams open a brand new stadium that is now the greatest arena on earth and they get to show it off to… Jerry Jones! Jones owns the former greatest arena on earth, Jerry World, which is now the Family Dollar of football stadiums. 

Welcome back, football! Please stay awhile. 

Happy Picking, 
The Commissioner