Good Day Grover Pickers,
The Grover Picks return this Thursday night, covid not withstanding. Here are your Pre-Season Top 13 Thoughts, Explanations and Solutions, which may take until Thursday to finish reading.
13- Hard Knocks– No program has ever made football more boring than this season of HBO’s covid drenched ‘Hard Knocks’ following the Rams and Chargers.
So far, it is two minutes of interesting content squeezed into a one hour time slot. You’d be more entertained watching Canadian Premiere League Soccer, which is a real thing and on par with Uzbekistan Premiere League Raisin Spitting on The Ocho.
12- “JV” Football– Nick Saban is not in favor of Spring College Football. He says moving the college football season to the spring will be like coaching JV football since his best players will leave the team to prepare for the NFL Draft.
I guess Nick is just that poor of a recruiter? Six months in a college bubble isn’t enough time for Nick to ‘coach up’ his ‘fine young men’?
Hey, Nick, get over yourself. Bama fans don’t care if you shove sixth graders or socialists or Shriners in those jerseys as long as whoever is wearing those jerseys beats Auburn.
11- Hard Work– Dear Big 10 Football People: we know you’ve chosen to work hard by lifting weights and studying tape and practicing yelling ‘Let’s Go!’ in the mirror. We know your school presidents maybe did or maybe did not vote to postpone your season. Hard work doesn’t make you different from most people. Hard work does not entitle you to play. Sending your parents to the Big10 offices to whine about your problems, that’s probably your best, most embarrassing, solution. Good luck.
10- Masks– A comprehensive list of football and other teams with mascots that wear masks:
09-Hot Seats- Any delay in the SEC football season will likely postpone the eventual firing of coaches, but regardless, the firings are coming. Now, no real SEC school is embarrassed by paying a coach a $10 million buyout NOT to coach while simultaneously eliminating the baseball, soccer, swimming, track, bowling, wrestling, golf, tennis, quidditch and fencing teams due to budget shortfalls blamed on covid. Still, the following highly compensated coaches are on notice that their irrational fan bases want to win now, pandemic or no, or else:
Muschamp, Jimbo, Saban, Pittman, Drinkwitz, Mason, Kiffin, Pruitt, Malzahn, Stoops, Leach, Mullen, Smart, Orgeron.
08- Roomate Wanted– Several of our Grover Picking college students may be in a similar circumstance to UNC Chapel Hill’s Luke Davis. The Tar Heels tried and failed to host students on campus and after 10 days, Luke was told he’d need to move out of the dorm to continue his fully online education. So, this ad:
Wanted: Place to Live- Single, non-smoking, non-covid, student seeking same to share semester of online class and Saturday night MMA matches. Requires bed, chair, internet. I have my own power strips, toaster oven, multiple masks and a guitar. Will cook you fancy dinners each weekend such as these:
07- Schedules!– Football schedules are printed in magazines, available digitally on the web, instagram, facebook, reddit and wherever you seek your misinformation. Enjoy looking them over. Revel in the optimism. And if you are Missouri, keep on partying and maybe you can avoid that opening weekend date with Alabama.
06- Bubbles– The MLS bubble worked. The NBA bubble is the standard for all mankind. Now, the NFL is considering a playoff ’secure environment’. Publicly, it’s a way to keep players and coaches away from the covid. Privately, it’s a way to keep the Cowboys out of the playoffs.
05- Medal of Freedom
Former William & Mary, NC State, NY Jets, Arkansas, Minnesota, Notre Dame and South Carolina Head Football Coach Lou Holtz is getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
The Presidential Medal of Freedom is an award bestowed by the president of the United States to recognize people who have made “an especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors”.
Any President can give this award to anyone they damn well please.
Here are all the other coaches who are recognized with the Presidential Medal of Freedom:
Paul “Bear” Bryant– 6 National Titles. Retired as winningest college football coach ever. Invented houndstooth. His coaching tree includes: Danny Ford, Howard Schnellenberger, Gene Stallings, David Cutcliffe, Sylvester Croom, Jackie Sherrill, Bill Battle, Pat Dye, Bruce Arians,Ozzie Newsome, and Jack Pardee.
Earl Blaik– Won 3 National Titles at Army and coached 3 Heisman winners. Pioneered modern platoon football (different players for offense and defense) and the use of film to chart plays. He sent 20 assistants to head coaching jobs including Bobby Dodds, Sid Gillman, and the real and actual on-and-only Vince Lombardi.
John Wooden– Coached UCLA to 10 National Titles in 12 seasons, invented the Pyramid of Success, and you will find either a Johne Wooden photo and/or book in every modern coach’s office regardless of the sport. He invented Lew Alcindor (Kareem) and Bill Walton. His direct coaching tree includes Denny Crum and Larry Brown. His indirect coaching tree is every other coach since 1970.
Pat Summit– Retired as the winningest college basketball coach of all time. Won 8 National Titles. Invented women’s basketball. Coached Olympic Gold Medal Team. 45 of her players went on to be coaches. Every player she ever coached who completed her eligibility earned a degree.
Dean Smith– Retired as the winningest men’s college basketball coach in history. Two National titles, 11 Final Fours, Coached Olympic Gold Medal Team. Integrated UNC basketball in 1964. Coaching tree includes Larry Brown, George Karl and Roy Williams. Invented Michael Jordan.
Lou Holtz– 1 National Title. Had to apologize in 2008 for saying on ESPN, “Ya know, Hitler was a great leader, too.” Coaching Tree includes: Walt Michaels, Houston Nutt, Skip Holtz, and Urban Meyer. Played at Kent State, the losingest D1 football program in history. Was 3-10 as the Head Coach of the New York Jets. Led NC State to a tie with Houston in the 1974 Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl.
04- Patrick Mahomes – Chiefs coach Andy Reid says the team has achieved the inevitable- There is not a single Chief’s offensive play that doesn’t have multiple options from the line of scrimmage. However your team lines up on defense, the Chiefs have a plan to exploit your weakness. It’s a bit redundant to have such a plan when you already have Mahomes.
For instance, on this play from practice, Mahomes throws a complete pass, then runs through the line of scrimmage and takes a lateral to run the ball in for a TD, all while speaking like the Muppet Grover. Fully delightful!
For all the reasons we hear about why we MUST have football (see #11 ‘Hard Work’ and #7 ’Schedule’), this is the real reason:
America cannot waste a season of Patrick Mahomes or Lamar Jackson, or Cam’s Second Coming in New England, or Brady in Tampa, or Rivers in Indy, or Angry Aaron in Green Bay, or Danger Russ in Seattle, Kyler Murray in Arizona, or whatever will happen to Baker Mayfield.
03- Holey Moley– the best competition show this summer is definitely Holey Moley on ABC TV Thursdays at 8pm. Record the season finale this Thursday while watching the Chiefs v Texans or Miami Hurricanes live. Holey Moley attracts about 3 million viewers, so, still plenty of room for more folks on the bandwagon. Last week, a grandmother who loves to make cookies defeated a former NFL player. Huge upset. Great TV. BTW- Family Feud is still pulling in over 9 MILLION viewers a week, the most watched show on TV and it’s syndicated!
02- If we don’t get football games this fall, the next best thing on TV is this:
01- Fans in the Stands! Teams are beginning to announce how they will handle fans at games. Most are limited. Here’s the SEC’s plan:
Bama: 20%- Saban will personally interview potential fans and only those he approves by signing their foreheads will be allowed to enter. Fans will not be permitted to leave until the game concludes.
Auburn: 20%- equally divided between those identifying as “Plainsmen” and those identifying as “War Eagles”. Post game in Toomer’s Corner is BYOTPR- Bring Your Own Toilet Paper Roll.
Arkansas: 23%- They should be so lucky
Florida: 20%- this equals 17,000 fans and 19,000 pairs of jorts.
UGA: 20-25%- equivalent to the number of QBs still on the roster from the Spring
Miss. State: 25%- That’s only 750 fans in Starkville, BUT, with Mike Leach as coach, all 750 will be open downfield!
Kentucky- 0% for football, 104% for basketball.
Ole Miss: 25%- 25% of fans, 0% Confederate flags?
Missouri: 25% or less- just don’t let 90% of the 25% be Bama fans for the season opener. Have some pride, Tigers.
South Carolina: 25%- Will this 25% still include Will Muschamp in November?
Tennessee: 25% or less- 2018 all over again!
*Texas A&M: 25%- so, the 4th-man?
*(that’s 25% of 12, which is 3, plus 1, to mimic 11 +1=12th Man)
Vanderbilt-100% of seats available, attendance expected at 17%, just like every other season.
LSU- 0% – Finally, Tiger fans can properly finish the tailgate without a game interrupting the fun!
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 