Grover Goats

November 7, 2019

Today I’m perched on a fence overlooking a pasture full of goats. This is a farm somewhere on Johns Island near Charleston, South Carolina. There are 19 goats. They run from tan to black. These are domestic goats, not mountain goats. All they need is grass and air for peak joy and there is plenty of grass and air here, so these are happy goats. Their purpose is to provide milk to make goat cheese.

BOSTON COLLEGE V FSU

Speaking of old goats, Bobby Bowden turns 90 this week. The Seminoles have a nice chunk of grass and air they aren’t using much. Maybe instead of paying a new football coach they should just convert Bobby Bowden field to a domestic goat paradise. It’s called a “goatery”.

Goats are herbivores, but these domestic ones also eat trash, house plants, and based on my own research, also consider foods such as iPhones, microphones, belt buckles, shoes, and marshmallows.

PENN STATE V MINNESOTA

Speaking of marshmallows, the undefeated Minnesota Golden Gophers have played eight marshmallows this season and beaten them all. If in the next month the Gophers defeat Penn State, Iowa, Wisconsin and likely Ohio State, they will be in the playoff. For this week, they are most likely just the trash and house plants for the bigger goat at Penn State.

Goats are ruminants which means they have four stomachs and it takes about 11 hours for food, trash or belt buckles to pass through the goat’s digestive system.

ALABAMA V LSU

Nick Saban is also a ruminant, which explains that look on his face. Also, The Commissioner can verify by personal observation that all of the goats in this field smell like corn dogs, just like LSU fans.

A typical goat that is not served as soup or curried on a skewer will live 9-12 years.

DARTMOUTH V PRINCETON

This is the Alabama v LSU of the Ivy League. Two undefeated teams face off with the winner likely winning the Ivy Championship as “Most Athletic Eggheads”. 

The Tigers of Princeton have won 17 games in a row with their last loss coming to… Dartmouth in 2017. 

Dartmouth have won 9 straight since its last loss…. which was to Princeton last season.

In 1964 Princeton was on a 17 game win streak when they lost to Dartmouth, which was on a 9 game win streak. Spooky!

The Tigers and Big Green face off in Yankee Stadium. Princeton is ranked 12th, Dartmouth 14th. The only other undefeated school in FCS is North Dakota State, which is ranked #1.

In the Wall Street Journal ranking of colleges, Princeton is #5 and Dartmouth is #12. For comparison, the Wall Street Journal ranks LSU #295 and Alabama is #401. That’s not a judgement. These are all fine schools and it just happens that Princeton and Dartmouth are not only good at football, they are also in the running to be the G.O.A.T of American Academia, too.

Kickoff is at 3:30 and with no live TV coverage, you will need to buy a ticket HERE.

KENTUCKY V TENNESSEE

More people consume goat milk than the milk from any other animal in the world. That is true. A common misconception is that in Kentucky and Tennessee you can marry your goat. This is not true. Whichever team wins the Lil’ Brown Jug will be pleased to swig some squeezins from it to forget this season.

NFL

NINERS V SEAHAWKS

In bright light, the pupil in a goat’s eye is rectangular rather than round. That is the same condition former Niners WR Jerry Rice has and is a leading reason he is considered a G.O.A.T. Also, Seahawk QB Russell Wilson has a certain goat-like quality. He’s not that big, but he’s persistent, he can jump 12 feet in a single bound and he does not require shearing. Alas and alack, Russell Wilson has only one stomach.

PACKERS V PANTHERS

Goats are great for therapy. You may have heard of goat yoga in which a human bends him or herself into a pretzel position and then a goat stands on him or herself. The result is that him or herself forgets all of his or her problems and focuses only on the serenity of being stomped by a goat.

Standing in this field is therapeutic, too. The sun is out, it’s 70 degrees, and a gentle breeze nudges the dangling moss in the two hundred year old oak tree nearby. The goats are playful, with innocent eyes and mischievous intentions. There are no troubles or stresses here, just joy and peace in an idyllic pasture.

So it occurs to me that the Panthers have now put Cam Newton out to pasture. He’ll like it here. I like it here. All these other goats like it here, too.

Except the really fast blonde goat. He’s leaving soon. Got a scholarship to Alabama.

Happy Picking,
The Commissioner