Good Day Grover Pickers,
Welcome to week 14, or, as the normies call it, Thanksgiving.
When do football jokes become Dad Jokes?
When it’s apparent.
Every Thanksgiving Day begins with the TV turned up for the Macy’s Day Parade featuring non-celebrity Celebrities singing and promoting TV and Broadway shows you will never see, followed by a giant inflated Snoopy and then Santa Claus. These few hours are the most communal American thing Americans do outside of 4th of July fireworks.
Then, as you are able, call your family around and insist on the annual ‘touch’ football game. Keep in mind, in this event, touchdowns are worth less than hamstrings.
If you survive Thursday morning, then it’s time for pie and football, repeatedly, until December 1.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda know when we’re eating? I’m starving!
As you gather to discuss the merits of fried vs. roasted turkey, baked vs. smoked ham, normal-people mashed potatoes vs. weird-o sweet potatoes, stuffing vs. dressing, and pumpkin vs. apple (both wrong- correct answer is coconut cream)… here are a few terrible jokes to help you stay focused on Thanksgiving’s most traditional purpose- football!
Enjoy.
John Madden Thanksgiving Day Celebration of Professional Professional Football
Packers vs. Lions
Packers lead the all-time series 107-78-7
The game that made Turducken Famous.
A turducken is a triple-layered poultry dish made by stuffing a chicken inside a duck, and then stuffing that duck inside a turkey. Each bird is usually deboned, and the layers are sometimes filled with additional stuffing like cornbread, Cajun dressings, or sausage.
The traditional preparation is with 6 legs.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter pass the rolls!
Chiefs vs. Cowboys
Cowboys lead the all-time series 7-5-0
By kick-off, you should be working on your second pie of the day.
What do you call a pie that tells bad jokes?
A pun-kin pie.
What did the pie say to the whipped cream?
“You complete me.”
Why did the pie go to the dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What do you call a pie that’s been stolen?
A pie-rate.
The Commissioner’s Indisputable Top 7 Thanksgiving Pies
| No. | Pie Name |
|---|---|
| #7 | Moon Pie |
| #6 | Green Pepper/Mushroom/Onion Pizza Pie |
| #5 | Rhubarb Pie |
| #4 | Chocolate Pie |
| #3 | Apple Pie |
| #2 | Pumpkin Pie |
| #1 | Coconut Cream Pie (mother-in-law recipe) |
Bengals vs. Ravens
The Leftover Bowl.
Ravens lead the all-time series 32-27-0
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don’t eat this much… but it’s Thanksgiving!
If you insist on eating more than pie after 7pm, consider this:
Leftover Turkey Slider
You Need:
• Leftover dinner rolls
• Turkey
• Cranberry sauce
• Stuffing
• Slice of cheese (Havarti or provolone)
How:
Split rolls, layer turkey + stuffing, melt cheese, top with cranberry sauce. Done.
Black Friday Non-Broadcast Professional Professional Football Event
A Prime Video Exclusive
Bears vs. Eagles
Bears lead the all-time series 29-17-1
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why don’t eagles ever use social media?
Too many tweets.
Professional Amateur Football Rivalries
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers? I’m still hungry!
As the former ‘college’ football of yore becomes more and more nationalized, these Thanksgiving rivalries hold more meaning. They harken back to a time when beating your rival was the most important game of your season, bigger than winning a conference title or even accepting a coveted bid to the Bluebonnet Bowl.
Egg Bowl
Ole Miss vs Mississippi State
Playing for the Golden Egg trophy since 1927
First Played: 1901 — 117th Meeting — Ole Miss leads the all-time series 64–46–6
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Egg.
Egg who?
Egg-scuse me, Is Lane home? Can he come out and coach my team?
How do you keep a Mississippi State football player out of your yard?
Put up a goalpost.
Heroes Game
Iowa vs Nebraska
Playing for the Heroes Trophy since 2011
First Played: 1891 — 56th Meeting — Nebraska leads the all-time series 30–22–3
Weather Alert: High of 38 in Lincoln. Expect flurries and very cold — snow gear required.
Why do Nebraska football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Corn.
Corn who?
Corn-gratulations, Nebraska, on being a Top 84 college offense this season, 36 spots ahead of Top 120 ranked Iowa.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
CANWE!
Canwe Who?
CAN WE PUNT AGAIN? I LOVE PUNTING!
What do Iowa football players call the elderly?
Coach.
Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate
Georgia vs Georgia Tech
Playing for the Governor’s Cup, First Played: 1893 — 119th Meeting — Georgia leads the all-time series 72–41–5
Why didn’t the dawg want to play football?
He was a boxer.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Third.
Third who?
Third quarter — when Georgia decides Tech’s had enough hope for the year.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?** Gunner.
Gunner who?
Gunner need a bigger highlight reel for all my mid swag!
Which insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
How many Georgia freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
Lone Star Showdown
Texas vs Texas A&M
First Played: 1894 — 120th Meeting — Texas leads series 77-37-5- series delayed between 2012-2023 due to Aggie Cowardice.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oil.
Oil who?
Oil be honest — I have no idea if Arch Manning is actually good and neither does Paul Finebaum.
How can you tell if an Aggie football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
A Texas football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
Duel in the Desert / Territorial Cup
Arizona vs Arizona State
Playing for the Territorial Cup since 2001
First Played: 1899 — 98th Meeting — Arizona leads series 51–45–1
How do you keep a Sun Devil busy?
Put them in a round room and tell them the Territorial Cup is in the corner.
What’s the difference between a Wildcat and a cactus?
A cactus can hold its water in the fourth quarter.
The Game
Ohio State vs Michigan
First Played: 1897 — 120th Meeting — Michigan leads series 62-51-6
Weather Alert: Expect a high of ‘Freezing’ with clouds, snow expected at post-game press conference.
What’s the difference between Michigan’s defense and a screen door?
Nothing — Ohio State’s offense walks right through both.
A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio State joke?”
The guy replies, “Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?”
The scrawny man says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it five times.”
Governor’s Cup
Kentucky vs Louisville
Playing for the Governor’s Cup since 1994
First Played: 1912 — 32nd Meeting — Kentucky leads 19-12
What’s a Kentucky fan’s favorite type of math?
Moral victories.
What do you call a Kentucky Wildcat with a championship ring?
A graduate transfer.
Why did the horse go behind the tree?
Because he wanted to change his jockeys!
How is a football referee like an angry cardinal?
They both have fowl mouths.
Palmetto Bowl
Clemson vs South Carolina
Playing for the Palmetto Bowl trophy since 2015
First Played: 1896 — 122nd Meeting — Clemson leads 73–44–4
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you tired of rebuilding seasons?
How do chickens encourage their teams?
They egg them on.
What do you call 20 Clemson fans in the basement?
A whine cellar.
A Gamecock football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?”
The Gamecock said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years.”
Duke–Wake Forest “Rivalry”
Wake Forest vs Duke
First Played: 1893 — 105th Meeting — Duke leads 61–41–2
A Demon Deacon and a Blue Devil walk into a bar…
They sit down and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”
The Demon Deacon says, “I’ll have something light, I like moderation.”
The Blue Devil says, “Me, too. That’s why we are ACC schools.”
Sunshine Showdown
Florida vs Florida State
First Played: 1958 — 69th Meeting — Florida leads 38–28–2
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mike Norvell.
Mike Norvell, who?
Aw, come on. Just let me in. I still live here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe you pretty-please tell me if Lane likes me and will he come be our coach, pleeeeeeeeeease?
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
Why doesn’t FSU have a website?
They can’t string three ‘W’s together.
What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?
Drool.
Crosstown Showdown
UCLA vs USC
Playing for the Victory Bell since 1941
First Played: 1929 — 93rd Meeting — USC leads 51-34-7
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
History.
History who?
History says USC wins… you sure you want to open this door?
What’s the difference between the poor, inconsistent football team and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Miami–Pitt Rivalry
(not really a rivalry, but I’ll bold it anyway)
Miami vs Pittsburgh
First Played: 1950 — 43rd Meeting — Miami leads series 29–12–1
Winter Conditions in Pittsburgh! Mid 30’s and cloudy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a big hug so you stay warm?
Two Miami football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The College Football Playoffs.
The College Football Playoffs who?
Nevermind. I was looking for Notre Dame.
Commonwealth Cup
Virginia vs Virginia Tech
Playing for the Commonwealth Cup since 2004
First Played: 1895 — 106th Meeting — Virginia Tech leads 62–38–5
What did Thomas Jefferson say when he invented Thanksgiving***
“We hold these meals to be delicious and satisfying…”
A Cavalier and a Turkey walk into a bar…
The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”
The Cavalier says, “A pint.”
The Turkey says, “Make mine a straw… I’ve got a flight later.”
A Cavalier and a Turkey walk into a bar…
The Cavalier says, “I’m here for the game.”
The Turkey says, “I’m here for survival.”
Why did the Hokie get ejected from the game?
Fowl play.
***Just roll with it. Sarah Hale invented Thanksgiving, and Abraham Lincoln proclaimed it a holiday and Thomas Jefferson had nothing to do with it other than bringing the recipe for ice cream to America from France. If you’ve come to the Grover Picks Blog for Thanksgiving facts I can’t help you.
Border War / Pacific Northwest Rivalry
Oregon vs Washington
First Played: 1900 — 121st Meeting — Washington leads series 63-49-5
An Oregon Duck and a Washington Husky walk into a bar…
The bartender says, “Is this a rivalry joke?”
The Husky says, “Yes, I’m here to fetch the win!”
The Duck says, “I’m just here to wing it.”
Oklahoma–LSU Manufactured SEC Rivalry
Oklahoma vs LSU
First Played: 2003 — 5th Meeting — LSU leads 3–1
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Bayou.
Bayou who?
Bayou a new coach, Tigers?
Why do Oklahoma graduates put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.
Battle Line Rivalry
Missouri vs Arkansas
Playing for the Battle Line Trophy since 2009
First Played: 1906 — 16th Meeting — Missouri leads 11–4
How do you keep an Arkansas fan from stealing your snacks?”
Hide them in the end zone — they won’t get that far.
Yo mama’s so old, she remembers the last time the Razorbacks beat Missouri.
Why can’t you play football with pigs?
Because they hog the ball!
Tennessee Waltz Rivalry ( I Made That Up)
Vanderbilt vs Tennessee
First Played: 1892 — 118th Meeting — Tennessee leads 79–33–5
What happened when Smokey the dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever downfield.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Diego.
Diego who?
Diego Pavia.
Who?
Diego Pavia! Vanderbilt QB. Beat Bama, Beat LSU. Beat Kentucky twice. Beat Auburn three times…
Bless your heart! Hold on, I’m still scoring touchdowns in Gainesville. Be with you in a minute, Honeybun.
Paul Bunyan’s Axe
Wisconsin vs Minnesota
Playing for Paul Bunyan’s Axe since 1948
First Played: 1890 — 135th Meeting — Series TIED 63-63-8
Weather Alert: Very cold; frostbite risk is higher if exposed — bundling is absolutely required.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Axe.
Axe who?
Axe Minnesota what any of this has anything to do with a row boat.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Axe.
Axe who?
Axe-cuse me, but Wisconsin’s offense is #135 in total offense in D1. Only Massachusetts is worse!
Why did the Gopher fan bring a map to the stadium?
Because he kept getting lost trying to find the end zone.
Why did the Gopher fan cross the road?
To show the Badgers how a real victory parade works.
Battle of the Palouse
Oregon State vs Washington State
PAC-2 Championship
First Played: 1894 — 111th Meeting — Washington State leads 57-50-3
IMPORTANT SOCCER RELATED NOTE: Oregon State already beat Washington State earlier this season 10-7. Therefore, the PAC-2 Title will be decided by the Euro-style ‘Aggregate Scoring Method’. That means the team with the most total points across the two games is the champion.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Pac.
Pac who?
Pac-2 — Where’d everybody go?
Blue –Red (I made that up)
North Carolina vs NC State
First Played: 1894 — 115th Meeting — North Carolina leads 68–40–6
How do you keep a Tar Heel fan from drowning?
Take your foot off their head… just kidding, that’s for Duke fans!
How come Belichick couldn’t get into the UNC parking lot?
Somebody painted an end zone on it.
What do you call a UNC fan who doesn’t talk about basketball?
Suspicious.
Yo mama’s so obsessed with NC State, she tried to teach her cat the fight song.
How many NC State engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to design the perfect bulb, five to calculate torque, and twenty to argue about tolerances.
Why did the NC State student bring a protractor to class?
Because even their fun has to be measured.
Iron Bowl
Alabama vs Auburn
Foy-ODK Sportsmanship Trophy
First Played: 1893 — 90th Meeting — Alabama leads 51–37–1
The Iron Bowl isn’t funny. It’s real. This is real life. This game is the culmination of all human endeavor in the state of Alabama over the past year and for the next 364 days (Alabama is closed for Christmas). Don’t make jokes about what you don’t understand.
Don’t laugh! It’s true.
An Alabama fan and an Auburn fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Alabama fan if he had any last requests. The Tide Fan said, “I want to hear our fight song, “Yay, Alabama” one last time.”
The Auburn fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”
Legends Trophy
Notre Dame vs Stanford
Playing for the Legends Trophy since 1989
First Played: 1925 — 38th Meeting — Notre Dame leads 23–14
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you luck in the playoffs, Notre Dame!
Did you hear college football’s newest post-season game is the Rosary Bowl?
Every play is a Hail Mary.
How many Stanford students does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but they’ll build a startup to make a smarter light bulb first.
Why did the Stanford student bring a yacht to class?
Because walking across campus is too pedestrian.
Why did the Stanford student break up with their calendar?
It wasn’t ambitious enough.
Paniolo Trophy
Wyoming vs Hawaii
Playing for the Paniolo Trophy since 1979
First Played: 1978 — 29th Meeting — Wyoming leads 17–11
Hawaii is so far from the mainland…
How far is it?
Even Santa Claus considers it a detour.
What did the Wyoming football player say to the flight attendant?
Put me in coach.
Cowboys at the beach are like…
Horses on a slip-and-slide — they didn’t ask for this and they’re not built for it.
What do long snappers wear on their feet?
Hiking shoes.
One more for the road…
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome! …and Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 