Good Day Grover Pickers,

It’s week 11 and football season is not getting less weird, thankfully.

In Memoriam

An Official, Recurring, but Temporary, Grover Picks Special Report

Football on TV

Google v Disney. It’s at the point in America where, on a Saturday night in the fall, I can enjoy the NBA or NHL on HBO, but not the SEC on ESPN.

I’m old enough to remember a time when there was exactly one college football game televised on a Saturday. Luckily, it featured Keith Jackson, but still, it was a lonely game that may or may not have included a team I had an interest in. Maybe this Google v. Disney argument is all just a plot to help me feel younger?

It’s not working.

Auburn

Hugh Freeze is out. Great news, Auburn fans, it does not matter who your coach is! Any great season from Auburn (the seasons that still count in the record books), included a terrible coach plus one generational player- Bo Jackson or Cam Newton.

Don’t hire a coach. Go buy a generational player instead. Coach problem solved.

(If you didn’t catch what I didn’t say, let me clarify: The Commissioner holds Pat Dye in the lowest regard as a coach and doesn’t remember the name of your national championship coach.)

LSU, Again, Still, Forever

LSU hired a University President who, on his first day, immediately named the interim Athletic Director as the permanent Athletic Director, then, on his second day, said he doesn’t really know the difference between interim and permanent and maybe he’ll change his mind and fire the interim/permanent athletic director.

So, everything is back to normal in Baton Rouge. This group doesn’t just smell like corn dogs, they are one.

Success

The Miami Dolphins’ mostly 3rd string emergency quarterback, Quinn Ewers, is currently better than Arch Manning, but not as good as compromised Tua Tagovailoa.

Naturally, Ewers launched an official merch site this week. Find the perfect Christmas gift for that special person in your life who doesn’t know any better and is worth a $45 t-shirt that features a cartoon image of a backup-backup quarterback. At least the colors are pretty?

Visit Quinn Ewers Official site here: https://quinnewersofficial.com/

Adhuc Vivit (Still Living)

Tom Brady De-Extinction

Tom Brady claims, and neither you nor I nor anyone else has any reason to disbelieve him, that his new dog is a clone of his old dog.

This is amazing science and a terrible idea all at once.

Colossal Biosciences, which Brady is an investor in, cloned Brady’s pit bull mix. Previously the company, through similar companies it just purchased, cloned dogs for Barbara Streisand and Paris Hilton.

Yes, there is more than one company in the world working to Xerox previously living things.

Colossal Biosciences has “exclusive licensing and access to the breakthrough technologies” that were developed by the Roslin Institute of Edinburgh, which is widely known for cloning Dolly the Sheep in the late ‘90s. Dolly is the reason the 90’s had enough raw material for oversized sweaters.

But pets are not Colossal’s real business! Celebrity pets are just the publicity stunt.

Colossal’s real work is “de-extinction”. It has developed ways to use DNA from extinct (dead) species to recreate new versions in the modern world. Two of these projects involve reviving dire wolves and wooly mammoths. This is real. I’m not making this up!

Now, at least you won’t be surprised, and you will understand how, LSU just hired Bear Bryant to coach the Tigers in 2026.

It just means…. please stop.

Amateur Professional Football Games

North Dakota State v North Dakota

South Dakota State v South Dakota

As far as you know, this is the college football version of the Spiderman meme. Winner gets to control the snowfall this winter.

All four teams are in the FCS Top 25. You are a wannabe Super Genius. You figure it out.

Oregon v Iowa

Hipsters vs. Farmsters
Sabrina Ionescu Fan Club v. Caitlin Clark Fan Club
Fragile White Liberals v Fragile White Conservatives
Oregon Chill v Iowa Nice
Team That Allows 3.3 Yards Per Rush v. Team that WINS every time it rushes for 3.5 yards per carry
Let’s Go Fast v. Let’s Kneel 3 Times and Punt
Winner Still Might Win The Big10 Championship Game v. Loser Still Might Win the Reliaquest Bowl

A&M v Mizzou

A&M is… Great? Good? The best team in the SEC? A playoff juggernaut? A collection of Texas-sized marching weirdos in ugly uniforms? A team nobody really wants to talk about? A team nobody really wants to play against? Not a cult? The people who co-opted Lassie to make her a football dog? A bunch of cheaters for using 12 men? Misogynists for not using 11 men and one woman? The team most capable of defeating Ohio State or Indiana in a championship game? A team that can’t beat Missouri? You are a wannabe Super Genius. You figure it out.

Vandy v Auburn

SHOCKING STATISTIC OF THE WEEK! The all-time series between Auburn and Vanderbilt, in football, is TIED at 22-22-1. That tells you all you need to know about the feigned relevance of the Auburn football program through history.

Auburn will change quarterback and head coach this week in an attempt to avoid being the ONLY TRADITIONAL SEC TEAM WITH A LOSING RECORD VERSUS VANDERBILT! (Not counting Texas yet, they are new in this neighborhood).

I’m less shocked that we are cloning extinct wooly mammoths than learning Auburn is about to have a losing record versus Vanderbilt. Anchor Down, Smartypants!

North Carolina v Stanford

So many former NFL coaches and GM’s and players around both teams- Belichick, Lombardi, Luck, Reich, and Natrone Means. There’s more competent NFL talent on the sidelines in Chapel Hill Saturday than at the Browns v Jets game on Sunday.

Clemson v FSU

The Viagra Bowl– everyone here, Tigers and Noles, fans, coaches, players, is feeling a little inadequate and in need of a boost to their ‘manhood/sisterhood’.

Florida v Kentucky

For who? For what? Is it Mark Stoops’ last stand before he heads to the In Memoriam section of this blog?

The Gators and Wildcats each need to win this game, plus upset at least one ranked team and win their rivalry game, just to be eligible to play in the Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl, which is not a breakfast menu item.

Bama v LSU

A perfect setup for LSU, incompetence and interim coach and meddling Governor and the whole pot of jambalaya included, to upset Alabama. Firing Brian Kelly did not make LSU worse. The Tide are ranked #4 in the world, but at the same time, their fan’s patience with Kalen DeBoer is a game-to-game proposition.

If you are not invested in either school, an LSU win is the funniest outcome.

Since the game is on ABC, a Disney network, many of us will not be able to watch the contest live at home in the modern way.

For us, we have the option to ‘De-extinct’ the ancient medias. The options are:

A) find an old radio and dial in a very distant, weak WWL 870AM clear channel blow torch signal from New Orleans to hear static-y play-by-play up and down the east coast at night, OR

B)read about the result in a print copy of Monday’s USA Today newspaper that we steal from a hotel lobby just to check box scores for fantasy football updates and read the Useless Purple Section.

It’s just like the olden days, or, as they are known in Baton Rouge and Tuscaloosa, “Next Monday”.

Professional Professional Football Games

Bucs v Patriots

Baker vs Drake– winner is an MVP? The Bucs enter the game with a +7 turnover margin, while the Patriots are a zero margin. The Bucs are good as long as the other team turns the ball over. Otherwise… they are the Carolina Panthers in Pewter. Yuck.

Bears v Giants

Pure, unfiltered, chaotic entertainment.

Colts v Falcons

The Colts will wear blue jersey’s and white pants. The Falcons will wear white jersey’s and black pants. This is the most unattractive uniform game featuring two awesome running backs in NFL history. Fight me.

Packers v Eagles

A lot of 1 yard passes by people dressed in green followed by a handful of 8 yard runs by other people dressed in green resulting in several tush pushes and some field goals followed by thoughtful discussions about what’s wrong with the Packers and the Eagles and why green is the worst color for sporting attire.

A Secret:

This post is not the original blog post this week. I De-extincted it! You just read a clone of the original article! I bet you didn’t notice. Thank you science and Tom Brady!

Happy Picking,

The Commissioner