We’ll get to the rant and the list, but first, The Commissioner is bound by the tenets of the Grover Picks Blog Accords of 1953 (Canton Version), to begin with the “In Memoriam” before moving on to the Potential and Future Memoriams and this week’s games.
In Memoriam
LSU Football
LSU management just figured out that Brian Kelly was not a ‘fit’ for LSU. Any Grover Picker could have, and did, explain that when he was hired. Now, the LSU management is no more.
First, LSU AD Scott Woodward announced the firing of coach Brian Kelly.
Second, The Governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry-R, announced that the Athletic Director Scott Woodward will not make the decision on hiring the next coach.
Maybe it will be an elected position now? Can Ed Orgeron be a write-in candidate?
Third, The Governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry-R, told Pat McAfee that he would oversee a committee to choose the next Tiger’s coach.
Trust the process?
Fourth, LSU announced the conscious uncoupling of AD Scott Woodward from The Program.
I was intending to make a joke about the Governor waiting for Trump to tell him who to hire, but the Governor beat me to it when he said, “I can tell you right now, Scott Woodward is not selecting the next coach,” Landry said. “Hell, I’ll let Donald Trump select it before I let him do it.”
I wish I was making that up, but I’m not.
Not letting your AD do his/her job is called ’The Tar Heel Method’ and that’s working so well in Chapel Bill.
The now former AD, Scott Woodward, says of firing Brian Kelly, “We had high hopes that he would lead us to multiple SEC and national championships during his time in Baton Rouge.”
Multiple SEC and national championships? What entitles LSU, or any school, to those expectations in a world that includes a playoff and Alabama, Georgia, Ohio State, Oregon, Michigan, Clemson, FSU, Texas and sometimes Florida and maybe even Indy-freakin’-ana?
When college football was a regional sport, Baton Rouge may have seemed like an awesome destination for a young Southern man. You could recruit enough local boys to be extremely good and if you added one stud from Southern California or Ohio, you were off to the championship and you might even beat Alabama.
Not anymore. Baton Rouge is magical on a Saturday night, but unless you are ‘of the place’, there is no reason for any athlete to spend the other 6.5 days of the week in 1950’s-era America.
Maybe that’s unfair to LSU. The Governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry-R, should get credit for launching the new process for coach selection at major institutions and also LSU. It’s the most American thing- Voting.
Congratulations Brian Kelly
Fortunately for Kelly, he is a customer at the defunct Bank of Scott-land Woodward. The former LSU AD is responsible for Kelly’s $53 million buyout AND Jimbo’s $77 million from A&M. He’s the Goldman Sachs for Head Coaches.
Brian Kelly is living the dream. He’s 64 years old, retirement age, and he’s getting paid to not work. Not just paid, he’s getting PAID.
Yes, he’ll miss coaching and competing, but he can also find happiness doing something else (it’s a stretch, but just go with it). We should all be so lucky, minus the vitriol and public embarrassment and constant accusations of being unlikeable and a horrible person. Brian can have that part.
EVERYBODY’S MONEY IS WORTH MORE? A RANT.
Whoever you root for, do you believe your $10 bill is more valuable than your rival’s $10 bill?
Professional college football is at a point where no team is meeting expectations. Ohio State is the defending national champion and #1 ranked team this season and you and I can find fans who want Head Football Coach Ryan Day fired.
Say your favorite program wins only 9 or 10 games this season. NOT GOOD ENOUGH! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE/WERE/WANT TO BE!?
You and your fellow fans advocate to fire the football coach. Obviously, your team’s job is the ripest opportunity in America. EVERY possibly great football coach left in THE WORLD, whose name you know, can’t wait to join up so you and your squad can win every conference and national championship from here to the end of the NCAA.
What happened to the last coach you hired with a half-assed vetting process? The one you just fired? He used to be really handsome. He was hot stuff, the most coveted coach in the land!
But, he lost his way at (insert your school here). It was a failure to recruit or lousy game day mechanics or bad booster relations or just a general sour leadership vibe.
Time was up. According to the fabled wisdom of current University of Florida AD Emeritus Jeremy Foley, “As soon as the first fan thinks you should fire the coach, you have to fire the coach, especially if it’s almost October!”.
But this time, it will be different. Your school is loaded! And your $10 is greener than everyone else’s.
So let’s go get our Bear Bryant! You know he wants to be here!
Except… which are the great coaches?
Used to be, you went and got a coach from a place where it just means less to be the new coach at a place where it just means more.
Now, it means more everywhere. Plus, those places that were willing to pay coaches and players under the table may not be as ‘football wealthy’ as their competitors now that the righteous and wealthy can pay their teams over the table.
Ya’ll, we make jokes about SMU being ahead of the curve in the 80’s, but you do realize SMU’s alumni base has the 5th highest percentage of alumni who are considered “ultra-wealthy”, behind some Ivy League schools and Cal-Berkley and Stanford. This is the future.
So you gotta hope your $10 bill is greener than your rival’s $10 bill.
Let’s take a real-world example. Here is a list that one Grover Picker suggested as acceptable hires for the open job at the University of Florida. This is the list he suggested, in order, without regard for what is realistic.
“I’ll take of all coaches:”
- Saban
- Curt Cignetti
- Dan Lanning
- Dabo Swinney
- Clark Lea
- Jeff Brohm
- Kiffin
- Gruden
- Freeman
“NO James Franklin. Not interested in Drinkwitz”
“Realistic:”
Dabo
Clark Lea
Jeff Brohm
Jon Gruden
Translation: US Presidents I will accept in 2028- Washington, Lincoln, FDR, Kennedy. No Eisenhower. Not interested in Jefferson. Realistic- Millard Fillmore, Truman, Teddy Roosevelt.
This potential coach list is how everyone got into this mess in the first place. Here is a quick (for The Commissioner) rebuttal relative to any of these people moving to Gainesville, Florida:
Saban – 73 years old and you don’t get any of the titles he’s already won. He’s print media in a digital world.
Curt Cignetti – He’s wealthy now at Indiana where he’s winning big and everyone cares about basketball, so he can do whatever. He doesn’t need your problems.
Dan Lanning – Nobody has anything to offer this man that he can’t get twice over in Eugene. Plus, being on the west coast, nobody bothers him.
Dabo Swinney – Why? Nothing about his coaching style or process indicates he’d win big or immediately anywhere else, especially at Florida. He’s got the perfect job for a Dabo. If you want Dabo, just go get Mike Gundy. Same thing, better haircut, different shade of orange in his past, much better “Florida Man” vibe.
Clark Lea – Current Vanderbilt HC. About to get a raise at Vandy. New facility. Local hero. Of all the SEC ‘villes’ you could live in, ’Nash’ is by far the best ‘ville’. Also, not sure anyone understands this, but Vandy alumni base is large and wealthy and suddenly interested. Not just a bowling and baseball school anymore.
Jeff Brohm – Current Louisville HC. A miserable guy at his alma mater where he can dominate the ACC and get to the playoff. Leave him alone. You don’t want his problems.
Kiffin – The natural fit at Florida in previous years. Is it still a better job than Ole Miss? Yes. However, in Oxford Kiffin gets paid, can recruit the nation, he’s winning and beloved. So, unless he doesn’t like living there (likely) or he just needs more abuse (unlikely), why leave? The obvious answer is a lyric from a Sheryl Crow song: “The only thing that I did wrong, I stayed in Mississippi a day too long.”
Gruden – President, Fired Football Coaches Association. Won a Super Bowl with another coaches players against his old team. Cannot coach quarterbacks, despite his reputation. A theater act. A program killer. Belichick without the 24 year-old girlfriend.
Marcus Freeman – Notre Dame HC. What does he need your $10 for? He’s at the only school left that gets to make an old-timey schedule with maybe 2 good teams and 10 beatable ones each year, and just like that, he’s in the playoff again. Can he do that at Florida? No.
James Franklin– He won at Vanderbilt. He won the appropriate amount at Penn State. He’s really good at his job. He’s available. He’s got something to prove. You might be lucky to have him.
Eli Drinkwitz– OK, fair. He’s not a huge personality. Why would he be interested in Florida? Missouri has a new stadium. The Tigers are competitive in the SEC. He’s got new rivals in Texas and Oklahoma which helps recruiting and he can get all the best Midwest players to come to the SEC and still be near home. What does your $10 get him?
Ok, Commissioner, what names should be on a thorough coaching search list?
Glad you asked. Appreciate you reading this far. I had way too much time on my hands this week, so I hope what follows is more interesting than whatever Zoom call you are supposed to be paying attention to.
Retreads
Pat Fitzgerald, Unaffiliated – won at Northwestern, played linebacker, settled his lawsuit against the Wildcats. He looks like a Wisconsin, talks like a Stanford, would provide the appropriate level of disappointment at Penn State.
Urban Meyer, Fox Sports Blabbrermouth– only for the most Machiavellian programs. Shouldn’t coach because his brain cannot handle the stress, but loves power and won’t worry about character issues.
Mack Brown, Unaffiliated– Great old school glad-hander and program builder. Would look amazing in UCLA blue. With all the plastic surgery and anti-aging infrastructure in LA, he could thrive there for years.
Bob Stoops, Unaffiliated – If we are dragging out old guys who don’t coach anymore, What About Bob? Tan, rested and ready!
Les Miles, Unaffiliated– Who wants a weirdo? Miles needs a few more wins to qualify for the Hall of Fame. That’s the ambition your school is looking for! Caveat- he’s only interested in schools with grass fields. No turf.
Gary Patterson, Advisor, Baylor– All he did was win at schools like TCU. Downside- nobody ever noticed or cared, so your fattest, dumbest booster won’t allow it.
Mike Gundy, Unaffiliated – His best fit is the opening at Oklahoma State, but Arkansas works and don’t rule out Florida on the haircut alone.
Bobby Petrino, Interim HC Arkansas – He’s headed to Auburn as soon as they fire Hugh Freeze and then, in 2029, he’s headed to Arkansas State after it all falls apart on the Plains, which it will, because it’s Auburn and Auburn never learns. Will have an incredible buyout that Auburn can never afford, but will pay anyway.
Butch Jones, Arkansas State HC– in case Rex Ryan isn’t a big enough jerk for your program.
Jimbo!, Unaffiliated and Wealthy– Jimbo wants back in and he’s circling FSU like a starving shark because returning to the original scene of the crime always works out.
Dave Doeren , Soon-to-be-Former NC State HC– Capable, will do well in the MAC someday. Makes Gary Patterson look like the Brad Pitt of coaching hires.
Jeremy Pruitt, former Tennessee HC, last seen in DeKalb County at Plainview High School serving as a junior high boys’ basketball coach. May have a show-cause. If Rex Ryan and Butch Jones are taken, this is your jerk.
Dan Mullen, Current UNLV HC– With Brian Kelly out, Mullen is next as the king of ‘Coach people don’t like being around.” His .694 winning percentage at Florida is third best in program history, behind Spurrier and Urban, but he sucks, obviously.
Brian Kelly, Unaffiliated – If you have other people in your athletic department that you do like, maybe you can afford to hire a coach that, allegedly, nobody likes.
Billy Napier, Unaffiliated– If you don’t hire him, he’ll go to another school and win multiple championships. That school might be a private high school Christian academy in Mississippi, but still.
Tom Herman, Unaffiliated – the former ‘Hottest Head Coaching Prospect’ is currently not coaching anywhere. You can get him cheap.
Up and Comers
Tony Elliot, Virginia HC– You go win at UVA like he has. Grew up homeless in Los Angeles. He could have used your $10 then. From the Dabo tree. Once held a real job as an industrial engineer with Michelin.
Fran Brown, Syracuse – Doesn’t shower after losses, is weird and a little daft. We could sell tickets to watch LSU’s Search Committee interview Brown. That might end in a shirtless fist fight, which at LSU, is a reason to hire this man.
Bobby Chesney, Current JMU HC – 3x Patriot Coach of the Year, has JMU in the Top 20 again, after losing a good portion of his squad to Indiana in the portal. Known for character development, so a bad fit in the SEC.
Alex Goelesch, USF HC – born in Russia so he belongs in the Big10 or somewhere immigrants are welcome. Minnesota?
Will Stein, current Oregon OC and former Louisville QB – Who wants to go fast and look cool and win a press conference?
Major Applewhite, current South Alabama HC – He’s 24-23 overall in two head coaching jobs and USA only has two wins this season, but you don’t get a lot of opportunities to hire guys named ‘Major’. The only real options have been Major Ogilvie, Major Harris, Major Wright, and Johnny Majors. This is a major selling point.
Glenn Schuman, UGA DC – It’s never been Kirby’s defense, it’s always been Glenn’s. Finally, the world is noticing and Schuman stands ready to be the next Herman or Muschamp. You can hear rationalizations- Recruits!, All-time defenses at UGA!, Part of a winning program! Sure, but he’s not even at the level of Billy Napier who had head coaching experience. Related– If required at your school, Schuman can teach social studies, but do NOT let him, or any UGA coach, near the driver’s ed class.
Down and Gone
These coaches are either dead, missing or Lou Holtz, but you try explaining that to the booster club. Listed here with all-time record and lifespan.
Knute Rockne, 105-12-5 1888-1931
Ara Parseghian, 170-58-6 1923-2017
Darrell Royal, 184-60-5 1924-2012
Mel Tucker – The former Michigan State coach is ‘Missing” in football terms and it seems like nobody is looking for him either, but… 25-21-0. Presumed still alive.
Lou Holtz, 249-132-7 1937- waiting in Orlando.
When A National Search Is Too Narrow
The Commissioner understands it’s not currently popular to import workers, but this is the comprehensive job search we were promised. We MUST look in Canada and Europe! It works for the NBA and the NHL.
European League of Football
All descriptions from the European League of Football website.
Jack Del Rio, Paris Musketeers HC– He looks like a Penn State guy, but tans like a UCLA guy.
Shaun Fatah, Hamburg Sea Devils HC– Germany’s most successful football coach. Won multiple championships, including German Bowls and Eurobowls. Fatah emphasizes building a strong team foundation by focusing on local talent and detailed preparation.
Jordan Neuman, Stuttgart Surge HC – Known for his offensive strategies and player-centric coaching style, Neuman brings a track record of success from his time with the Schwäbisch Hall Unicorns in the German Football League. (Commissioner’s Note: Schwäbisch Hall Unicorns are the Ohio State of German football.)
Chris Calaycay, Prague Lions HC– Known for his ability to develop quarterbacks and establish an effective passing game. Czech Republic’s Fun and Gun Guru.
Craig Kukigowski, Panthers Wroclaw HC– Led Panthers to an undefeated regular season in 2024 with his leadership and strategic acumen. Won multiple championships previously, but has a recent history of ‘Losing the Big One.”
Jim Tomsula, Unafilliated, Recent Rhein Fire HC– Tomsula led Rhein Fire to the ELF Championship in 2024, then resigned. “ELF Championship” is a pro football contest, not olympic sports at the North Pole.
As the SF 49ers head coach he was known for giving his players breaks to check social media during meetings, shorter and easier practices, and more days off. Has the best mustache of any coach on this list.
Canadian Football League
Scott Milanovich, Hamilton Tiger-Cats HC– Hamilton is in 1st place in the East Division. Milanovich is 50-58 all-time. Is not related to Todd or Marv Marinovich.
Mike O’Shea, Winnipeg Blue Bombers HC – 107-69. The winningest active CFL coach. How do you argue against wins? (See: Florida. Dan Mullen)
Corey Mace, Saskatchewan Roughriders HC – Has the Roughriders in first place in the West Division. Mace is an up-and-comer at 21-14-1 all-time. The tie was not his fault.
Jason Maas, Montreal Alouettes HC – 62-45-1 The reigning CFL Coach of the Year, a 4 time Grey Cup Champion. Speaks French. Do you hear that, LSU?
Splashy Unhireables, as in, DO NOT HIRE!
Jon Gruden, Unaffiliated – Remember the good times and move on. He’s like an old high school friend you meet in a bar and after 10 minutes you’ve caught up on the missing 30 years and you’re good to go home. Just leave him wherever he is.
Rex Ryan, Blabbermouth, ESPN – Just the jackass FSU will need and once he’s in Tallahassee we can all forget he exists.
Craig Bohl Tree
Head Coach Craig Bohl led North Dakota State to 3 FCS championships. He has a coaching tree!
Brent Vigen, Montana State Bobcats HC, 53-12 with a Natty. He’s calm and tranquil, known for using and developing mobile, big armed quarterbacks. Specifically, he coached Josh Allen BEFORE Allen discovered accuracy.
Tim Polasek, North Dakota State HC, 22-2 with a Natty. He’s an intense and fiery leader, prefers running the ball, strong offensive lines, and deep passes. He’s Iowa, but wins big games.
NFL Guys
Ron Rivera, Current GM at Cal – Coached the Carolina Panthers to a Super Bowl, noted risk taker, way too normal and well adjusted to earn your appreciation.
Kliff Kingsbury, Washington Commanders OC – handsome and fun, looks natural in loafers. Recruited, coached and developed Baker Mayfield, Patrick Mahomes AND Davis Webb at Texas Tech.
Matt Patricia, Ohio State DC – Outsmarts the room and himself at every turn. With Corso retired, he’s the leading college football advocate for pencils. Can design and build propulsion equipment. This is Stanford’s man.
Joe Brady, Bills OC – He’s a popular choice because he’s a popular choice. His names sounds like a name that you heard is good and so you should become passionate about his can’t-miss potential.
Mike Kafka, NY Giants OC – former Northwester QB. Is good at reading.
Tavita Pritchard – Commanders, former Stanford OC. Also good at reading.
Jason Garrett- NBC blowhard, former Cowboys coach, former Princeton QB. Has red hair. Is soooooooo boooooooring.
Mike McCarthy, Unaffiliated– the former Packers and Cowboys head coach is capable, as long as time management isn’t important to you. We may find out who is harder to impress- Jerry Jones or the Governor of Louisiana.
Will Bourbon for Work
Ed Orgeron.
Dana Holgerson.
Used To Be A Genius
Lincoln Riley, USC (California) HC – the guy everyone thought would win multiple conference titles and national championships at USC… stop me if this sounds familiar… he can still coach!
Matt Campbell, Iowa State HC – every year we are told he is a hot coaching candidate and he stays at Iowa State and now they are growing tired of all his winning. Who will rescue Matt Campbell from Ames?
Will Muschamp, Unaffiliated, Once was named ‘Coach in Waiting’ at Texas. Still waiting. Hates chalkboards. Once a fiery, hot-headed nut case, he may have matured and become less useful. Gainesville does that to a man.
Guys Who Don’t Need Your Job But Could Be Great
Brent Key, Georgia Tech HC – has the Yellow Jackets in the top 10. Offensive lineman’s personality. Fixed Hayes King after A&M ruined him.
Jon Sumrall, Tulane HC– everybody says he’ll be great. Who knows? Maybe… or is he the beneficiary of the tired old idea of a successful coach at a place where it just means less?
Jedd Fisch, Washington HC– a Spurrier protege. Currently dodging questions about the Florida job such as, “When are you moving to Gainesville?”
Rhett Lashley, SMU HC, as mentioned before in previous blogs, the SMU coach must be named Rhett Lashley from now until forever. You go to Dallas, stand a mighty mustang next to a guy named Rhett Lashley and the wind swirls, the sun sets over a glowing butte, women swoon, tough men down a whiskey shot and the world makes sense. Touchdown!
Governors
Jeff Landry-R, The Governor of Louisiana– You know he wants to.
AMATEUR PRO FOOTBALL GAMES THIS WEEK
Primogovernor
None of these lists matter because in America today, neither we, the people, nor the Athletic Directors, chooses a college football coach. That right now belongs to your governor by the right the Kings called “Primogovernor.”
We’ll call this the “Louisiana Plan”. Assume each team needs a new head coach. Here is who the Governors of the various states would pick based on polling from the famous research firm Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.
Ohio State v Penn State
Ohio Governor Mike DeWine, R, is a career government lawyer interested in public health, opioids, and abortion. He is considered an “entrenched” politician who is a former U.S. congressman and U.S. senator.
He’s choosing for Ohio State between the two most entrenched coaches he can find: Kirk Ferentz or anyone named Harbaugh. It’s got to be a Harbaugh, but those are expensive, so he might name the Harbaugh adjacent brother-in-law, basketball coach Tom Crean.
For Penn State, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, D, is an attorney working on ethics, education, and consumer protection. He famously led the grand jury child abuse investigation of the Catholic clergy. He annoys partisans on both sides and earlier this year an arsonist burned down his residence. He needs a progressive defensive guy. He’ll save Pete Carroll from the Raiders and sentence him to Happy Valley.
Texas v Vandy
Tough game for Texas Governor Greg Abbott, R. He has degrees from both schools. His agenda is running for President, immigration, gun rights, pro-life policy, states rights, business development, undermining checks and balances, and executive overreach. Abbot was paralyzed by a falling oak tree in 1984 and uses a wheelchair.
Governor Abbot needs a guy who wears boots and disregards rules and order. Abbot wants Urban. He’s offered Jimbo. He selects Bobby Petrino. Perfect. Abbot can ride in the sidecar of Bobby’s motorcycle.
Choosing for Vandy, a private school and theoretically beyond the reach of the Governor, is the 12th Duke of Marlborough, James Spencer-Churchill, a graduate of the Royal Agricultural College. He is related to the Vanderbilt’s through the 1895 marriage of Consuelo Vanderbilt to the 9th Duke of Marlborough. They were the latter day Taylor and Travis.
The Duke is also related to Winston Churchill and Princess Diana. He currently lives a reformed lifestyle after years of prison for forging prescriptions, dangerous driving, racist rants, and financial deadbeat-ery. He’ll look for a kindred spirit. He will also choose Bobby Petrino.
Clemson v Duke
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster, R, is a Gamecock graduate who will enjoy appointing a terrible coach to Clemson. McMaster is an attorney who campaigned on law and order, pro business chicanery, and protecting taxpayer’s dollars. He’ll pick someone obnoxious and relatively cheap (to protect the tax payers). It’s Rex Ryan, whose son, Seth, played ‘Holder’ at Clemson.
The Commissioner is sure of two things: 1)Duke is technically located in Durham, North Carolina and 2) Duke is a New Jersey school by reputation, tradition and architecture. BONUS: Duke has not relation to the actual Duke of Marlborough.
New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy, D, is a former Goldman Sachs guy and Ambassador to Germany. He ran on tax relief, social equity, and education. For Duke, he’ll pick an Ivy Leaguer with some social equity credit and a huge vocabulary. He’ll bring Mike Elko home.
Ole Miss v South Carolina
Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves, R, is the Governor of Mississippi, which is its own summary of his political priorities. When Kiffin leaves Ole Miss, Reeves keeps it “in the family’ with the most available white guy willing to take a job in Mississippi in return for not testifying against the Governor or the Governor’s brother when the Southern Miss Volleyball/Mississippi Welfare Scandal goes to trial. Welcome the newest Rebel coach, Brett Favre.
Now, South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster, R, gets to appoint a coach to his alma mater. He’ll want Kiffin. Everybody wants Kiffin. He’ll get Shane Beamer. Governing is compromise.
Auburn v Kentucky
Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, R, is an Auburn grad. She has served Alabama as a teacher and the reading clerk for Alabama House Of Representatives, plus Governor. Her agenda is economic development including broadband and eduction, a strict abortion ban, and permit-less concealed carry. She’s ambitious. She wants to be a U.S. Senator. So, she’s sending Tommy Tuberville back to Auburn and appointing Bruce Pearl to serve out her term as Governor and she’ll head to Washington to do more reading.
Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear, D, is an attorney known for “Compassionate Leadership”, expanding health care, education reform, business development, and a bipartisan tendency that makes everyone mad. He may run for President (of the United States, not Louisiana State University).
Beshear is a people pleaser. He’ll be drawn to a good political guy who can shake babies and kiss hands. For the Wildcats, he’s hiring Mack Brown.
UGA v Florida
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, R, is a UGA grad. He’s an entrepreneur who started with a ‘pickup truck and a shovel’. His issues are business growth, agriculture, and election integrity. Some say he may mix his business and government agenda’s too closely. Others argue with his definition of “election integrity”.
He’s just a good ‘ole boy, never meanin’ no harm. Kemp gets Jimbo to Athens ‘cause they’re both just makin’ their way the only way they know how.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, R, is an Ivy League guy from Jacksonville via Dunedin. Politically, he’s known for fighting The Culture War, censorship, immigration, educational institution destruction, state power for partisan ends, presidential aspirations, and fending off accusations of undermining democratic and dating norms.
Desantis needs a fellow unqualified out-of-towner with Republican political bona fides. Welcome to Gainesville, Ohio Lt. Governor and Coach, Jim Tressel!
Tennessee v Oklahoma
Tennessee Governor Bill Lee, R, an Auburn grad, will relish naming a Volunteer coach. Before becoming a governor, Lee was CEO of his family owned business, Lee Company “Home Services and Facilities Solutions”. As governor he’s working on rural development, education, and reducing regulations.
Gov. Lee wants a guy’s guy, a guy who can repair stuff with his own two hands, or at least lift heavy things. He wants a guy who can cut through red tape and a weak press room with just a dull knife and his wits. He wants smart, but not do-your-own-taxes smart. And the guy has to look good in orange. This is Jon Gruden’s job. Sorry, Vols.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt, R, is an Oklahoma State Cowboy grad and a mortgage company entrepreneur. He understands that the Sooners are kind of a big deal in his state, so he’ll take this as seriously as his other political agenda items including economic development, infrastructure, education, and making Oklahoma “Top 10 in Everything”.
It’s alleged that Governor Stitt is not, as he has claimed, descended of the Cherokee Nation. Hmmm, who can be loud wrong, unafraid of fraud, but also Top 10?
Bruce Pearl!
No. I kid. It’s got to be the King of the Resume, George O’Leary.
PROFESSIONAL PRO FOOTBALL GAMES
Politicians don’t choose NFL coaches. Owners and those beholden to owners, such as Governors, choose coaches. Since all of these owners are wealthy, they all must be terrific decision makers!
Colts v Steelers
Carlie Irsay-Gordon and her sisters, Casey and Kalen own the Colts after inheriting the team from their father, who inherited it from his father.
Art Rooney, II and his family own and operate the Steelers after inheriting the team from his father.
Irsay-Gordon is fascinating. She’s seen on the field making notes, left-handed, and simultaneously listening to play calls on right-handed headsets! She’s involved. The Colts are winning. She’s becoming the Elle Woods of the NFL. Underestimate her if at your peril. (Elle Woods is the alt-brainiac main character in the 90’s film Legally Blonde, NOT the legally blonde former wife of Tiger Woods.)
You can overestimate the Steelers. Everybody does. No current living Steelers owners have any experience hiring a head coach.
Panthers v Packers
David Tepper v The People
Tepper is a Hedge Fund Guy. He’s worth $20 billion, making him the wealthiest individual owner in the NFL. Tepper is extremely good at math, betting against the the people, unchecked ambition, and has no other discernibly valuable managerial skills.
On the other side are The People. The Packers are the only publicly owned major sports team. Somehow, having thousands of owners is more stable than having one owner?
If we are playing the odds, consider that most people hate math and love ‘The People”. Also, the Packers have a better quarterback.
Niners v Giants
Jed York and his Mom own the Niners after inheriting the team and buying out the rest of the family. John Mara inherited the Giants and owns the team alongside Steve Tisch, who inherited his part from his father, Preston Robert Tisch.
There is so much old money and blue blood in these owner’s boxes, this game could just as easily be an annual Club Championship golf match. The winner gets a $5 trophy from the club. The side bets are a Porsche, 6 high-class Parisian hookers, and/or a chain of propane distributors in South Dakota. Their wives all wear dresses with ruffled sleeves to the celebration dinner.
All of these people prefer to hire football coaches who wear three piece suits to bed, just as the owner’s do, but also won’t bother the owners about borrowing the private jet.
Rams v Saints
This one is awesome. Stan Kroenke v Gayle Benson
Kroenke is a real estate tycoon. He also owns Arsenal, the Denver Nuggets, and the Colorado Avalanche. Kroenke’s teams, in one 18-month span, won the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup and the NBA championship. Argue with that as you wish.
Benson inherited the Saints and the Pelicans from her goofy car dealership-owning husband. She appears to be a high school educated beer and horses girl and a thoroughly New Orleans dame. Party with that as you wish.
Seahawks v Commanders
Jody Allen, a widow, vs. Josh Harris, Magic Johnson, the Santo Domingo Family, a bunch of “Alternative Investment Company” CEO’s, an Art Dealer, and Some Guys Who Own Parts of Lots of Sports Teams. Hardly fair?
Jody Allen inherited the team from Paul Allen, a founder of Microsoft. She has a Drama degree from Whitman College. Now she controls the Seahawks and, unfortunately, the Portland Trailblazers. She is the steward for $20 billion in assets and spends her time on philanthropy.
The Commanders are the present and future of sports. Josh Harris is the ‘Lead iInvestor”. He started Apollo Global Management, the private equity firm referenced here recently as trying got invest in the Big10. He also controls the Philadelphia 76ers, New Jersey Devils, and Crystal Palace, but he’s worth only
$10 Billion personally.
If it’s not clear yet, there are two ways to own a major sports team and get to choose a coach. First, inherit it. Second, be one of the 30 wealthy bros who goes around the world creating wealth without value and buying sports teams.
Chiefs v Bills – The Gas Bowl
Clark Hunt and his siblings inherited the team from their father. The family is originally from Dallas and makes significant mountains of cash in the oil and gas industry.
Terry Pegula, along with Jozy Altidore, Tracy McGrady, and Vince Carter own the Bills. Pegula made his money in natural gas. He also owns the Buffalo Sabres.
Corollary to the Bro Ownership idea explained in the previous section: If you don’t know enough Finance Bros to pitch in on the deal, get some Athlete Bros.
If you are reading this, or if you are writing this, that act alone is a leading indicator that you are not a Bro, a Billionaire, a Widow, or very good at athletics. Congratulations?
I’m sure you are good at something.
Cowboys v Cardinals
The Cardinals, the ultimate do-nothing ownership, are controlled by former federal prosecutor Michael Bidwill, grandson of founder Charles Bidwill, son of notoriously ill-tempered and cheap father Bill Bidwill. You shouldn’t let these people pick your salad dressing, much less your coach.
The Cowboys ownership is unknown and unknowable. There was no information on the internet.
Keep it light, Gov’nor! By the way, can you lend me $10?
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 