Good Day Grover Pickers,
It’s Bowl Season and this is the exclusive, one-of-a-kind, Grover Picks Bowl Preview, courtesy of The Commissioner, YOUR Commissioner.
Don’t make picks without it!
I’ve turned to a national expert on college bowls to help out this year.
My Aunt Patty from Beaver, Utah recently introduced me to Elmo Watson. She manages a chain of Ernie’s Truck Stops throughout the Beehive state. Elmo is a regular. He likes his coffee black, his radio on AM, and his Peterbilt 589 fueled and ready to roll wherever there is a trailer in need of a pull.
Why a long-haul trucker? First, a majority of the bowls are sponsored by companies catering to truckers. Second, Elmo’s been everywhere, man, and he know’s things. Just ask him. He’s got a story for every town and a thought for any occasion Including bowl season.
What follows is the Grover Picks exclusive interview with Elmo Watson, Highway Savant. Over three days and a CB radio, I asked Elmo for his insight on each of this year’s bowl games. I’ve transcribed his answers and edited here and there for brevity.
Saturday, December 16
Myrtle Beach Bowl: Ohio vs. Georgia Southern
Conway, S.C., ESPN, 11 a.m.
Myrtle Beach is so tacky, those folks from Ohio will feel right at home. You know, that stadium, Brooks Stadium, is on the Coastal Carolina campus. It’s named in honor of one of my heroes, the chairman of Hooters of America, Bob Brooks. Bobcats all the way.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Jacksonville State vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
New Orleans, ESPN, 2:15 p.m.
I worked for R+L in ’95, but they ain’t the same since they started air charters and all that international crap. I see Jacksonville State is moving up in the world. That Jacksonville is in Alabama. My favorite Jacksonville’s are Jacksonville, Arkansas, Jacksonville, Illinois, Jacksonville, Texas, and Jacksonville, North Carolina. Of course, the best Jacksonville used to be the one in Florida. If you go there, find Rita and tell her you know Elmo and she’ll get you a discount on the Grand Slam Breakfast. Take the Gamecocks.
Avocados From Mexico Cure Bowl: Appalachian State vs. Miami (Ohio)
Orlando, ABC, 3:30 p.m.
I actually have a nickel for every avocado I’ve run from Mexico. Paid for my first three hot tubs and two divorces. Go with App. They have a lot of great hot tubs in Boone.
Isleta New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico State vs. Fresno State
Albuquerque, ESPN, 5:45 p.m.
That’s a great casino at Isleta. I’ve never won there, but I know a couple guys that did. The Aggies are playing their 15th game of the season! Too much experience, they roll the Bulldogs.
Starco Brands LA Bowl hosted by Gronk: UCLA vs. Boise State
Inglewood, Calif., ABC, 7:30 p.m.
Gronk is my boy! Easy call, take the guys from Shakeytown.
Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Texas Tech vs. California
Shreveport, La., ESPN, 9:15 p.m.
Every time I run through Shreveport, I always lay a rose at the statue of Elvis by the auditorium. I like the Red Raiders. My son’s buddy plays for them.
Monday, December 18
Famous Toastery Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. Old Dominion
Charlotte, N.C., ESPN, 2:30 p.m.
These boys don’t know how lucky they got it going to Charlotte instead of the Bahamas. That’s some niiiiiiice infrastructure at that intermodal airport hub. Hope they get a tour. I’ll take Western Kentucky because of the mascot.
Tuesday, December 19
Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: Marshall vs. Texas-San Antonio
Frisco, Texas, ESPN, 9 p.m.
Frisco is B.S. and so is Scooter’s. It’s creek runoff. Roadrunners by 100.
Thursday, December 21
Roofclaim.com Boca Raton Bowl: South Florida vs. Syracuse
Boca Raton, Fla., ESPN, 8 p.m.
Can you believe they named a bowl for insurance fraud? In Florida! Makes sense to me. Get those Syracuse schoolboys some sunscreen. Take the Bulls and the over cause that’s how fraud works.
Friday, December 22
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Central Florida
Tampa, Fla., ESPN, 6:30 p.m.
I was talking to my boy, Wendell, he’s from Lakeland, and he’s the one that noticed they got that pirate reppin’ a mortgage company. At least when they lie to you in Florida they’re honest about it. Yellow Jackets. The ACC is so underrated.
Saturday December 23
76 Birmingham Bowl: Duke vs. Troy
Birmingham, Ala., ABC, noon
The racing fuel bowl! One of my favorites. That 76 juice is my go-to. Hey, man, I work for a living so there ain’t no way I’m taking Duke.
Camellia Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State
Montgomery, Ala., ESPN, noon
This cracks me up. The Camellia is the state flower of Alabama, but, it’s an invasive species! Camellia japonica, which is the proper name, is native to southeast Asia. You’d think the least Alabama could offer is pick an AMERICAN flower, but they ain’t always been that bright. I’ll take Arkansas State. Butch Jones is a baller.
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: James Madison vs. Air Force
Fort Worth, Texas, ABC, 3:30 p.m.
James Madison was more of a state militia guy than a federal military guy. At least, that’s my interpretation of Federalist no. 46. And, in his day, they didn’t have airplanes. There’s a lot of old air force mechanics on these interstates. Great guys. Helped me out a bunch. Go with Air Force.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Utah State vs. Georgia State
Boise, Idaho, ESPN, 3:30 p.m.
I’m not just saying this because I drive a lot in Utah, but if you get a chance to run highway 89 through Logan, it ain’t an easy drive, but, man, what a view. Aggies all the way.
68 Ventures Bowl: Eastern Michigan vs. South Alabama
Mobile, Ala., ESPN, 7 p.m.
What the hell is 68 Ventures? Anyway, the is the ‘Mini-Rose Bowl’ with a low level Michigan school against a lower-level Bama school. Go with South Alabama because of Saban. My buddy, Roy, talked to some guys down there and he says Saban is pulling all the strings that state. Who would doubt that? Not me.
SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: Northwestern vs. Utah
Las Vegas, ABC, 7:30 p.m.
I’m not sayin’ nothing, but I’m just sayin’, you gotta couple of ‘Fraud Bowl’ sponsors in Florida and now they got these SRS building supply guys tied in with Vegas. Look at the facts. It ain’t ESPN making the decisions on all this business. They’re keepin’ it in the family, if you know what I’m saying. Which I ain’t saying. Wildcats win. Nobody from Utah’s got any legit business in Vegas.
Easypost Hawaii Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. San Jose State
Honolulu, ESPN, 10:30 p.m.
A bowl game sponsored by a label maker. Ok. I guess. You gotta consider the mental side here. It’s a bad idea for Coastal to go to Hawaii. All those players who went to ‘college at the beach’ in a stadium named for my Hooter’s guy are about to find out what lie they’ve been living. Hawaii ain’t no joke, my brother. San Jose State wins.
Tuesday, December 26
Quick Lane Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Minnesota
Detroit, ESPN, 2 p.m.
I’m never sure if this an oil change sponsor or a bowling sponsor. Either way, they only let Minnesota in because their boys been going to class. We ain’t here to play school! Bowling Green in a romp.
SERVPRO First Responder Bowl: Texas State vs. Rice
Dallas, ESPN, 5:30 p.m.
“Texas State” sounds like a made up school from the TV show “Coach”. And by the way, that guy that played Dauber on “Coach” was robbed. Shoulda had a couple of Emmy’s for that. He was carrying Jerry Van Dyke every episode. Hilarious. Anyway, “Rice” is an even dumber name for anything but a menu item. Bobcats, I guess. Is Craig T. Nelson still coaching?
Guaranteed Rate Bowl: Kansas vs. UNLV
Phoenix, ESPN, 9 p.m.
This is what liberals call ‘cultural appropriation’. It’s baseball teams trying to put something interesting, like football, in their stadium at least once a year. Ought to be illegal. I like UNLV. I had some good times back in the day with Tarkanian.
Wednesday, December 27
Military Bowl presented by Gobowling.com: Tulane vs. Virginia Tech
Annapolis, Md., ESPN, 2 p.m.
Are we saying we should decide the wars with a bowling contest? Go with the Hokies. You can’t trust teams or women from New Orleans. She knows who I’m talking about.
Duke’s Mayo Bowl: North Carolina vs. West Virginia
Charlotte, N.C., ESPN, 5:30 p.m.
How did Charlotte get two bowl games? This one is my favorite. They’re gonna dump mayo on the winning coaches head. That is what bowl season is good for these days and I’m here for it. Tar Heels!
DirecTV Holiday Bowl: Louisville vs. Southern California
San Diego, Fox, 8 p.m.
Lil’ Bobby, he drives for JB Hunt, I’ll steal a line he told me last week right here in this truck stop. He said, “DirecTV and USC’s defense are things that no longer exist.” HA! Take the Cards, baby.
TaxAct Texas Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Texas A&M
Houston, ESPN, 9 p.m.
I, personally, don’t know anybody in Oklahoma or Texas that pays taxes, so I’m a little confused there. My buddies and I were talking and it sure would be good to get that hauling gig moving all of Jimbo’s stuff out of College Station, but we agreed we need cash in advance. I’m always going with Oklahoma State. Gotta keep it solid with my mullet brother Mike Gundy.
Thursday, December 28
Wasabi Fenway Bowl: Boston College vs. SMU
Boston, ESPN, 11 a.m.
No comment. Weird food and more football in a baseball stadium. It ain’t really even football if Boston College is involved. America used to be better than this before the Clinton administration. SMU.
Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. Rutgers
Bronx, N.Y., ESPN, 2:15 p.m.
I guess if the Red Sox do it, the Yankees gotta get in on it just rub their noses in it. Whatever. Just a meaningless scrimmage between two New Jersey schools. Big whoop. Canes, I guess.
Pop-Tarts Bowl: North Carolina State vs. Kansas State
Orlando, Fla., ESPN, 5:45 p.m.
I’m really looking forward to this one. They’re gonna let the winning team EAT the Pop-Tart mascot! That’s awesome. They oughta put Lee Corso in the Pop-Tart suit for that! I’ll take NC State. My buddy Jerry calls Raleigh ‘The Canadian Tuxedo of American Cities”. I love that.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Arizona
San Antonio, ESPN, 9:15 p.m.
I hate Valero. Ten times out of ten you get some yahoo passing you on the right or hiding from your mirrors, it’s a South Carolina plate on Lexus that just pulled out of a Valero. It just attracts the wrong kind of people, you know. Wildcats. They got something to play for in this one.
Friday, December 29
Taxslayer Gator Bowl: Clemson vs. Kentucky
Jacksonville, Fla., ESPN, noon
The Jacksonville Landing is gone and so is the Hooter’s at the Jacksonville Landing so I’m not sure why they even play this game anymore. I work for a living, so it’s SEC, Wildcats. Always.
Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Notre Dame
El Paso, Texas, CBS, 2 p.m.
Should be called the Outback Bowl because no bowl game is as far from civilization as the Sun Bowl. I know. I’ve been there. Terrible uniform game. Irish, I guess. They are more famous.
Autozone Liberty Bowl: Iowa State vs. Memphis
Memphis, Tenn. ESPN, 3:30 p.m.
Get in the Zone! Memphis is in a bowl game in their own stadium. Nobody willingly visits Memphis. First of all, the damn bridge is broken! My buddy, Gus, he drives for FedEx so he knows Memphis, he told me the other day, and I quote, “If your options are to play in a bowl in Memphis, or stay home and amputate your quarterback’s non-throwing arm, you should tell your team surgeon to crank up the anesthetics and get cutting.” And he LIVES in Memphis! Take the Tigers.
Goodyear Cotton Bowl: Ohio State vs. Missouri
Arlington, Texas, ESPN, 8 p.m.
Ohio is holy ground for truckers. Missouri’s a good story, but I’m a loyal guy. Buckeyes.
Saturday December 30
Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl: Penn State vs. Mississippi
Atlanta, ESPN, noon
I have driven through all 48 states. I’ve been places that weren’t even places when I went through. I’ve hauled hogs, liquor, explosives, toys, meat products, building materials, cigarettes, vegetables, lumber, war heads, chickens, the San Francisco Gay Men’s Choir (Don’t ask. I won’t tell), and video tapes from the last Blockbuster.
I have never happened upon State College, Pennsylvania. Good grief, even Tallahassee has an interstate nearby. Ole Miss for the win.
Transperfect Music City Bowl: Auburn vs. Maryland
Nashville, Tenn., ABC, 2 p.m.
If it’s so perfect, why’s it got to trans? I’ll take Auburn. They are weird, but I’ve never understood the purpose of Maryland.
Capital One Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Georgia
Miami Gardens, Fla., ESPN, 4 p.m.
Jimmy, he’s my weed guy on the east coast, he’s a big FSU guy. He was hot, I mean HOT, about what that committee did to the Seminoles. But then, Willard, he runs the Doll House on Peachtree in the A-T-L, he was just as mad about how they done the Dawgs wrong. So I got my girl, Lisa, out in La-La-Land to make me a flag that says, ‘We got Screwed More 2023-24 National Champions’. I’m gonna give it to one of those guys when I see them next. Probably gonna be the Dawgs.
Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl: Toledo vs. Wyoming
Tucson, Ariz., 4:30 p.m.
You know that song that goes “And I’ve been from Tucson to Tucumcari,
Tehachapi to Tonopah, Driven every kind of rig that’s ever been maaaaaaaade,
Driven the back roads so I wouldn’t get weiiiiiiiiighed”? I’ve don’t that! It’s awesome. Love me some Tuscan. I love Wyoming, too. Peaceful driving. Toledo, y’all ought to just give up and go somewhere else, but not to Tucson. Tucson is nice. Cowboys win.
New Year’s Day 2024
ReliaQuest Bowl: Wisconsin vs. LSU
Tampa, Fla., ESPN2, noon
ReliaQuest is one of those data companies, or, as I call them, “Anti-Trucker Transportation Units”. Hate that stuff. America is not about ones and zeroes, it’s about mileage and manifests. You look back, Wisconsin has a long and great history with us drivers. You run a few legs up there and you think America is really about beer and cheese! Fun folks, but they ain’t nowhere as good at football as LSU. S-E-C! Take the Tigers.
Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: Iowa vs. Tennessee
Orlando, Fla., ABC, 1 p.m.
My man Roy runs rigs for Ryder out of Sioux City. We had a catch up at the Ernie’s up in Bountiful last week and he’s a big Hawkeye fan. Guy has hated offense his whole life. His dad was the same way. He says the key to this game is punting and I looked it up. The Vols only had 48 punts, averaging 42 yards and totaling 2,053 yards. Iowa, I couldn’t even believe it. Iowa punted 87 times, averaging almost 48 yards and a total of, I swear I’m not making this up, FOUR THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SIX YARDS!
Now, I’m an SEC guy as you know and the VOLS have the best punting history in the SEC, but somedays you just meet your match. Iowa.
VRBO Fiesta Bowl: Oregon vs. Liberty
Glendale, Ariz., ESPN, 1 p.m.
If you think FSU got screwed when the CFP committee left the Seminoles out of the playoff, wait until you see what the CFP committee did to Liberty by letting the Flames into the NY-6 and matching them with Oregon. Ducks by a billion.
Rose Bowl presented by Prudential: Michigan vs. Alabama
Pasadena, Calif., ESPN, 5 p.m.
You always pick Bama. Me and about 100 of my driver buddies are pulling off the road right here at Ernie’s in Beaver to watch this game together. They got a 50-inch TV in the back, showers, and Manny is running a load of Funions and jerky to the coast, so we’ll have plenty of snacks. It’s BYOB cause we’re in Utah. Ya’ll come join us. We got odds that Taylor Swift is the surprise halftime singer. If that happens, whooooooo, this will be the most American moment since we signed the Declaration!
All-State Sugar Bowl: Washington vs. Texas
New Orleans, ESPN, 8:45 p.m.
Texas. I’m sticking with my SEC teams. I don’t know how Washington beat Oregon twice, but I’m going with Texas. Can’t wait to see Arch Manning get in.
Thank you, Elmo. And Thank you, Readers. Happy Bowl Season. Happy Picking. See you in the New Year and we’ll figure out who the Super Genius of the Year will be.
Your Commissioner.
The Grover Picks 