December 7, 2023 (82nd Anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor)
I suggest you spend this weekend at a half-empty mall near you. Go shopping. Rearrange your sock drawer. Do a puzzle. Wreck some teenagers on Fortnite. Put on your favorite Eras outfit and go watch the Taylor Swift movie in a theater.
On the other hand, Norman Lear has died. Maybe you should binge-watch All In the Family. Or The Princess Bride. Or The Jeffersons. Or Silver Spoons. Or One Day at A Time. Or Square Pegs. Or Good Times. Or Maude. Or Sanford and Son.
If you are not aware of any of those TV shows it’s because they are from an era that pre-dates Ms. Swift. I’m sorry for you.
There are three football games worth checking out this weekend. Watch those. And, whatever you do, DO NOT pay attention to any other football news other than the games. The rest of it is depressing.
Except for this.
Football Math
Miami Dade County Public School Teacher Mary Martinez is using the Miami Dolphins season to teach math. The Commissioner respects math, if not always approving of its mingling of letters and symbols with numbers.
Ms. Martinez’s class are now able to accurately predict Tyreek Hill’s yardage in each game and can calculate how many yards he must average to gain 2,000 yards for the season.
Super Genius Stuff!
For her effort, Ms. Martinez was recently hired as a Pro Football Network social media correspondent. Very cool, although I’m sure the look on the kids faces is reward enough (can’t calculate that with math!).
I’m sure Ms. Martinez is not the only teacher using this technique, but so what? We Americans should support more math in classrooms. The Commissioner is solidly against banning books including algebra and geometry books, which he does not understand. Football math is a proper use of football, a great early lesson for would-be gamblers and data scientists, and the most uplifting football story of the weekend.
The rest of football is bumming me out, man. For example:
All the NFL players are hurt. Some of them will take large doses of Toradol, wrap some tape around the injured area, and go play. That makes me sad.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: How many milligrams of Toradol should a player inject based on his weight and the likelihood of making the playoffs this season?
Politicians are threatening to use state tax money to fund lawsuits over college football playoff snubs. That makes me wish there were more adults in the electorate.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: How many votes do I have to buy to get them all to STFU?
College football has full free agency. Several thousand players have entered the transfer portal. That makes me happy for the players, but sad for my fandom unless my team gets the best transfers.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: How many portal players can I buy with the $78,000,000 still owed to Jimbo Fisher?
The NCAA has proposed a special subdivision of D1 football for schools that want to pay their players more-or-less directly. The idea is that at least half of all athletes at those schools would be paid a minimum of $30,000 per school year.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: Under this plan, half of the money paid to athletes will have to go to women’s teams to satisfy Title 9 compliance. How much will the therapy bills be for the largest football boosters at the Power 5 level?
FSU got what any unconquered team deserves- a chance to beat Georgia. That doesn’t make me angry. However, FSU whinning about what they ‘deserve’ is annoying. The way I learned math, ‘Zero’ means ‘nothing’, and the CFP agrees.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: There are 5 ‘Power’ conferences, but only 4 ‘playoff’ spots. What is 5-4 and why is the answer “Orange Bowl”?
The Jacksonville Jaguars have accused a former financial planning and analysis employee of embezzling $22 million American dollars using the team’s virtual credit card. He may have bought condos, cars, watches, crypto and betting slips with the Jaguars’ money.
Thankfully, according to Jags attorneys, “This individual had no access to confidential football strategy, personnel or other football information.” Whew! I’d hate for him to have wasted his time stealing information that is broadcast on TV every week!
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: If a Jaguars employee steals $22 million dollars and invests half of it in crypto in 2020, what will be worth more in 2023: The crypto investment or 3 avocados?
The Jets still don’t have a quarterback because Zach Wilson may or may not be willing to enter a game. Ok, this one makes me happy.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: How many years since the Jets last went to a Super Bowl and why should we care if it was three years before “All In The Family” debuted on TV, which nobody in the Taylor Swift generation remembers either?
Belichick’s inability to win any game also makes me happy.
Math Question for Ms. Martinez’s Class: When the season began, Patriots Coach Bill Belichick was 71 years old. He needed 30 regular season wins to pass Don Shula and become the league’s winningest coach. He needed 13 losses to become the league’s losingest coach. The Patriots are currently 2-10. At this rate, how old will Bill Belichick be when he becomes the losingest coach? (answer: 71!)
I guess the weekend isn’t a total football loss. Anyway, I won’t have to think about any of this. I’m going to Target to buy some multiplication flash cards. Then I’ll sit in my easy chair, put on my Bea Author hoodie, and listen to ‘Cardigan’.
Army v Navy
For those of you sick of NIL and portals, who long for the myth of the school-boy game of yesteryear, who rue the day the forward pass was legalized, this is your game.
Weather won’t be an issue. Army can win the Commander-in-Chief trophy outright with a win. Navy will wear dark blue ’Silent Service’ uniforms. Army counters with ‘Dogface Soldier’ uniforms to honor the 3rd Infantry Division.
There are a couple of Cadets and Midshipman who will hit the portal. It’s the same number as normally leave an academy each year for various non-football reasons. There are ZERO players from other schools who will transfer TO an academy.
There are no redshirts at the academies either because the U.S. Government expects these players to graduate in 47 months and get to work.
There is no NIL allowed for academy players. These guys are already actual federal employees and are forbidden by actual laws of our nations (not NCAA by-laws!) from profiting by their public position.
Do yourself a favor and watch the CBS game open. It will warm your heart on a cold December Saturday. Watch the game. Cleanse your football soul. There is a disgusting month of bowls and ‘playoffs’ coming and a little nostalgia and patriotism will do us all well.
FCS Playoffs
Eight teams remain in the actual playoff for the FCS crown, and 5 of them are from Cowboy/Rancher states:
Montana, South Dakota, South Dakota State, North Dakota State, and Idaho.
Those are Grizzlies, Coyotes, Jack Rabbits, Bison and Vandals.
I’d like to see that group take on a wolverine, an elephant, a longhorn and a couple of huskies. Not sure what the jack rabbit would add to the fight, but I’d like to find out.
The Professional Game
Steelers v Patriots
The NFL version of an Iowa Hawkeyes spring game.
Cowboys v Eagles
Football! Rivals! Quarterbacks! Defense! This might be fun.
Chiefs v Bills
Football! Rivals! Quarterbacks! Special Teams! This might be fun.
I’ll leave you with the wisdom of Archie Bunker.
“Entertainment is a thing of the past. Now we got television!”
And television does not require math!
Happy Picking
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 