November 30, 2023

Good Day Grover Pickers,

The Week That Was:

Arkansas Razorbacks

Arkansas once fired a coach, for cause, who decided to date a student-athlete volleyball player, then hired her on to his staff, then took her on a romantic motorcycle ride that ended in an accident that messed up the coach’s face, all of which made the coach’s wife unhappy.

Maybe “Fired” is a too strong a characterization. More accurately, Arkansas suspended Bobby Petrino for 11 seasons and upon his return demoted him to offensive coordinator. I’m sure he’s on some sort of performance plan as well.

Carolina Panthers

Wanted: Head Football Assistant Coach to the Owner. Must be an overconfident fool.

Our Special Boy

Aaron Rodgers is back participating in NY Jets’ practices 11 weeks after having his ankle amputated by Burmese shamans and then reattached by doctors at Industrial Light and Magic using Kyber Crystals, a bacta tank, and ancient dolphin feces harvested from Lake Titicaca. He’s listed as “Questionable” on the injury list, the Jedi council’s “Most Promising Padawan” list, and Santa’s naughty list,

Spider Y Banana is Back?

Jon Gruden is back in the mix to coach. At least one Indiana booster wants to hire him to coach the Hoosiers. Marc Davis reportedly would hire him back to the Raiders if Gruden drops his lawsuit against the NFL.

The Commissioner’s official position (that’s YOUR Commissioner, not the rich guy on Park Avenue) is that if Jon Gruden were to ever coach again, the most logical and fun place for him to go is Duke.

BTW- Jon Gruden is going to win that lawsuit even if he settles. There is no chance on earth that within all the emails the NFL investigation collected, the only fire-ably offensive ones belong to Jon Gruden. He didn’t send them to himself.

The Rolling Stones sponsored by AARP

Taylor Swift is only 21 years away from eligibility for AARP sponsorship of her ’Retirement Era’ Tour.

The Week That Will Be

TODAY

The Cowboys will appear on Amazon Prime agains the Seahawks. Tune in for Al Michaels’ grumpy old man bit, stay for the pictures of Kirk Herbstreit’s dog traveling by private jet, and later you can pre-order your “Dallas Cowboys NFC Champions” t-shirts which Amazon will be deliver the day after the Cowboys next win the NFC title… in 2163.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY

On Friday and Saturday the last college teams standing not named Army or Navy will sort out the conference championships. If you are a fan of any college team that is NOT playing this weekend, your season has ended.

A weakened version of your team might appear in an exhibition bowl game and a few players you’ve seen earlier in the season may play in that game, but if you want to wallow in the sadness of another year gone by without finding any satisfaction in your team’s success, other than an SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl trophy, I’ll understand. I’ll even encourage it.

As for the teams that remain… It would be more fun for all of us If…

Bama beats UGA by 20 points and knocks the Bulldogs out of the playoff and out of the Sugar Bowl.

Texas beats Oklahoma State by 50, and by virtue of winning in Tuscaloosa earlier in the season, heads to the playoff.

Iowa scores a first quarter safety against Michigan, then clings to a 2-0 lead until Michigan kicks a game winning 28 yard field goal as time expires, moving on to the playoff with a 3-2 final. Rumors circulate that Michigan may need to promote Sherrone Moore to head coach now, pushing Harbaugh out, before some other school hires him to be a head coach.

Louisville has two pick-sixes and a successful punt-rooskie TD that sends the Cardinals to the Orange Bowl as ACC Champs and the Seminoles to the Tostito’s Chip’n’Dip Lawnmowing Bowl in Sheridan, Wyoming.

Oregon beats Washington by one point in 9 overtimes.

SUNDAY

The Committee announces the college playoff:

Washington v Oregon– the Thrilling Trilogy, and the PAC 12, Ends

Michigan v Texas– the Blue Blood Brawl

ALSO SUNDAY

We’ll learn the destinations of 82 mostly deserving bowl eligible teams including:

• which team will have the opportunity to take bite out of the edible mascot at the Pop Tart Bowl
• which coaches risk taking a mayonnaise bath at the Duke’s Mayo Bowl
• which teams will get screwed out of going to the Bahamas Bowl and will have to visit The Commissioner in Charlotte for the Toast Bowl instead.
  

MORE ON SUNDAY

The NFL will present 11 contests.

• Niners vs the Eagles might be epic.
• Two NFL games, who can say which two, will be blowouts.
• The Steelers will win despite scoring fewer points than the Cardinals.
• The Chargers and Patriots will end on an interception.
• The Bucs and Panthers will play less of a game and more of a football-like-substance
• Aaron Rodgers will warm up in pre-game and the Falcons will suck just enough less than the Jets to win.
  

MONDAY

The college free agency portal opens. Hope you each get rid of your problems and solve them withe some other team’s problems.

If we are lucky, and each of you has lived properly, this will be a weird and very satisfying week of football.

Happy Picking,

The Commissioner