Thanksgiving Day, 2023
Good Day Grove Pickers,
I like to think the coaches, players, broadcasters and analytics nerds who gathered in Walter Camp’s backyard near the Yale campus on November 23, 1891 knew the significance of that event. That was the first football Thanksgiving.
Back then, a U.S. Postal Service stamp was only a farthing, so Camp stole a few office supplies from Yale and mailed hand-scrawled invitations to the era’s most promising football men.
Even then, before the invention of the modern game, Camp recognized that ‘Football Men’ were different. They were not the kind to be trusted in mixed company, with normal people.
So, while the rest of America paused on a random Thursday between Columbus Day and Christmas to feast, Camp arranged his own feast for his football friends who would otherwise be sleeping in their office while studying game daguerreotypes.
The text of Camp’s invitation is reproduced here:
Gentleman,
I beseech your gracious presence at my backyard at 2pm on Thursday, November 23, 1891 so we may give thanks for the many blessings of American Football, a game I will soon improve. You are welcome.
I shall share a bountiful harvest I borrowed from my neighbors yard, mostly tobacco and an apple. It’s an open grill, so I’ll have local varmints on a spit, but you are welcome to bring other carcasses you may collect on the way to town.
A list of recommended side dishes you should bring follows. Please be mindful of your MSG content and avoid tomatoes because Brady is a weirdo:
Pickled Herring Fritters- Lee Corso
Smoked Cheese Plate- Bear Bryant
Salted Pork Jello Cups- John Heisman
Hardtack- Lou Holtz
Beans Au Gratin- Tom Brady
Mac n’ Cheese- (not Kraft)- Belichick
Pommes Anna- Parcells
Smashed Potatoes- Nagurski
Salad- Lombardi
Popped Corn- Jim Thorpe
Corn pudding- Marion Motley
Roasted Corn Niblets- Johnny U
Hooch- Beano Cook
Pies- (not store bought) – George Halas
We’ll have live updates from the Lion’s game in Detroit on the telegraph thanks to the Yale IT department, so you won’t miss any of the action.
Send me your t-shirt size. Everyone gets a commemorative flaxen shirt with my personal brand on the breast pocket.
There will be wind sprints and Oklahoma drills for the kids.
Bring Your Own Spittoon.
If you are on time, you are late.
Regards,
Coach Walt Camp
In his autobiography, “No Days Off”, Camp claimed that the forward pass was invented at the First Football Thanksgiving. The story goes that George Halas wanted deviled eggs. They were just out of reach on the table, so he asked St. Louis University head coach Eddie Cochems to ‘pass the eggs’. Cochems obliged and was struck by the idea. “Hmmm… pass?”
That realization led to the first forward pass 15 years later, then to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh, Fran Tarkenton, Dan Marino, and eventually back to whatever Iowa and the service academies do now.
It’s impossible to know what really happened at the First Football Thanksgiving, other than a bunch of men sitting around eating, drinking, spitting and cussing. Camp did not trust his fellow coaches or the media, so he banned cell phones. Today, thousands of football men claim to have been there, but in reality, you could count the number of guests with an Iowa game score. (Yes, every paragraph may end with an Iowa joke.)
Here’s what we think we know:
The men gathered dressed in their best pair of polyester coaches shorts and turf shoes with team issued billed beanie hats, except Bryant, who wore his houndstooth hat and Corso, who wore the mascot head of Brutus the Buckeye.
Rumors persist that there was a “Kids’ Table” and Parcells insisted that Belichick be seated there next to Lou Holtz.
Frank Beamer from Virginia Tech was in charge of decorating. HIs choice of vivid burgundy and orange place settings were a big hit. It was just the right mix of fall colors accented with black scraps of old Metallica concert shirts.
General Neyland brought a brass combo and they played Rocky Top over and over and over. It was the only song they knew and they would have played it all night if Nagurski hadn’t stuffed Holtz headfirst into the trombone bell. Again, we can’t confirm this, but Holtz was 6’ 2” tall when he arrived at the party.
Who won the flag football game? Brady’s team, which included Jim Thorpe AND Red Grange, won. For year’s Lombardi claimed Brady had tied his flag to his belt so it couldn’t be pulled. The evidence was circumstantial at best, but Camp never invited Brady back to Football Thanksgiving.
Over your own turkey and fixins’ this Thanksgiving, save a moment to remember Walter Camp and the First Football Thanksgiving. That gathering set the table for the bounty of football we shall enjoy this great holiday week.
ANNOUNCING- The Grover Picks College Player of the Year
BARCLAY BRIGGS, OL, Davidson College
I won’t make you look up Acts 2:15. It says “These people are not drunk, as some of you are assuming. Nine o’clock in the morning is much too early for that” (I’m not making that up.)
Lions v Packers
The Lions are good for the first time in 66 years. Americans may have to consider pushing Thanksgiving dinner a little later into the afternoon so the meal interrupts the Cowboy’s game instead of the Lions!
The idea of the Lions being a very good football team for a number of years is as difficult to comprehend as Dolly Parton covering Prince’s “Purple Rain” and, yet, just as real.
Cowboys v Commanders
The Cowboys are the jello/fruit salad of football. We talk a lot about them. A few oddballs claim to enjoy one or both, but these people are idiots.
Jello is good. Fruit is good. Cool Whip is good. Mix it all together and all you’ve done is ruin 6 cups of perfectly good sugars.
Dak is good. CeeDee Lamb is good. Michah Parsons is good. Mike McCarthy has a ball cap with a star on it. Mix it together and you have a recipe for what the best chef’s would call “foods waste”.
At the same time, I can summarize my favorite Thanksgiving football memory in two words.
Leon Lett!
EGG BOWL Mississippi State v Ole Miss
This game smells like leftover turkey sandwiches. According to a recent and very not-made-up National Appliance Association of America survey, Americans use more electricity to power microwave ovens during the hour around halftime of the Egg Bowl than at any other single hour of the year. 83% of that energy is nuking turkey leftovers. The other 17% is for nuking the new sausage, egg and weed Hot Pockets.
AMAZON BOWL Dolphins v Jets
Thank you for your service, Zach Wilson. You are a handsome guy and have been everything a Dolphins fan can hope for in a Jets starting quarterback. You deserve more opportunities to show your ineptitude, but for now, Tim Boyle, THE Tim Boyle, will start. Boyle is a passing legend at powerhouse programs Connecticut AND Eastern Kentucky. Even Aaron Rodgers can’t make that brag.
On behalf of Jalen Ramsey and Dolphins fans everywhere, we welcome you with open hands, Tim Boyle!
Nebraska v Iowa
Corn, poultry, pork, soy beans… this would be the perfect Thanksgiving game if both teams dressed in Virginia Tech’s colors.
Michigan v Ohio State
I’m grateful to the streaming app Twitch, which will have a live feed of Jim Harbaugh watching this game from the Ypsilanti Hooter’s with Pat McAfee and Michigan alums Madonna and Ann B. Davis as special guests waitresses.
Also, rivalry football is the best. Never change Ohio State.
Alabama v Auburn
Auburn lost to New Mexico State. Not, “they lost on a hail mary, it was a fluke”, lost, but more “The Aggies whipped the Tigers from one end of Jordan-Hare to the other and stole $2 million out the door” lost.
New Mexico State out rushed Auburn 213 to 65! New Mexico State, buoyed by the rich recruiting base in southern New Mexico, is the 126th winningest college football program all-time (out of 131 schools). I’m grateful that sometimes when people do dumb things, like hire Hugh Freeze, they get exactly what they paid for!
If you are an Auburn fan, I strongly suggest making a left-over turkey sandwich, filling your flask with something brown and 100 proof, putting on a warm coat and comfortable shoes and wandering off into the woods or highway traffic on Saturday and just forget that college football even exists. I guess I’m saying, “Go hunting”.
Washington State v Washington- The Apple Cup
One of the great traditions in college football is that every player, coach and fan on the winning side gets a new Apple iPod Shuffle.
FSU v Florida
So thankful that the Gators and Seminoles can both show off their back-up quarterbacks this week so each will have quality game tape before heading to the portal before bowl season. And, unless the Gators start tackling, there will be no bowl season.
Steelers v Bengals
I wonder what it would be like to go turkey shopping with Mike Tomlin.
He might say, as we aggressively charge to the back of the grocery store where they keep the turkeys…
“The standard is the standard. We need a bird that is committed. A traditional bird, not some fancy hormone free weak bird. I want fresh, not frozen. The secret is there is no secret. We don’t predict, we prepare. This bird is prepared to be a 16 pound dinner. It does not matter if we want to bake the bird, fry the bird, smoke the bird, or eat the bird raw with mayo and anchovy cream cheese. It’s not what you are capable of, it’s what you are willing to do and this bird is willing taste great and I will tolerate this bird until I’m able to replace it.”
Titans v Panthers
The football version of Tofurkey.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Picking!
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 