What’s Your Excuse?

Good Day Grover Pickers,

Last week we found out.

This week we make excuses.

College GameDay Built By the Home Depot

The ESPN Game Day crew made clear on Saturday that they are tired of talking about the Michigan spy scandal. Each even said they ‘just want to get to football’ and they are already ‘tired of the Michigan talk’.

I was expecting more from this group. I should have known better. Each of the Game Day crew, and the producers, have plenty of contacts who can give us more perspective and detail on this story. At the same time, these are all former athletes with an athlete’s ‘tunnel vision’ and need to avoid ‘distractions’.

They also are big fans of due process, which has come to mean that not enough people really care if the rules are broken as long as somebody else gets punished for what everybody else is doing and the punishment does not get in the way of the fun we are having right now.

And… Game Day is not here to mess up anybody’s money.

And there is a lot of money. There’s your own money. ESPN’s money. The Big10’s money. The CFB Playoff’s money. The bowl game money. And sooo much money for lawyers.

Later this week several of the cast took more complete positions on the scandal. I thought they should have done more last Saturday.

Game Day Excuses:

We pay a lot of money to partner with crooked schools, and they are all crooked, so we have to protect the investment.

We all know from experience that Michigan’s got caught doing an ‘illegal’ version of what 132 other schools are either doing more successfully or wish are trying to do, so it’s not that big of a deal.

As former professional collegiate athletes, If someone had told us that this kind of behavior is frowned upon, we would have pretended to react differently.

Florida v LSU

The Gators have 5 wins with dim prospects for getting to 6.

The Tigers only losses, 3 of them, are to teams currently in the Top 10.

LSU’s excuse-

Here’s some gumbo and bourbon. We gon be fine, ya’ll.

Florida’s excuse-

Our best players are still in high school, or, at least, they play like they are in high school.

Vandy v. South Carolina

The loser of this game earns last place in the SEC.

Gamecock excuse-

Never got the mayo out of our ears.

Commodores excuse-

We’re Vanderbilt. We are a women’s bowling school.

Michigan v Penn State

Every Big10 school, several from the Big12, and a million random Instagram coaches are sending Penn State scouting reports on Michigan. This activity is not only real, it’s now a defense Michigan offers for why they may or may not have run an espionage operation that they clearly ran.

Now the rest of the Big10 is ganging up on Michigan and sending the Nittany Lions video of Michigan’s signals, playbooks, athletic department passwords, pictures of the 4-year-olds in Bangladesh who sew Harbaugh’s khakis, deep fakes of the UM President eating lunch in Columbus, and a psychology thesis on how to exploit a football opponent (Michigan) that exhibits a strong persecution complex.

Nittany Lions excuse-

We live in Happy Valley. The internet is spotty. We can’t use the links people are sending, but, we have a new super-secret signal for our can’t miss play this week. It’s sure to confuse Michigan. The play is called “Take a Knee” and we have a bunch of GA’s dressed as tall English Knights just yelling, “Ni!”

Wolverine’s excuse-

On advice of my attorney, I have no comment. But everybody is doing it and Ohio State broke federal laws to figure out that we were doing it and Purdue are a bunch of cheats and I have tunnel vision focus on the field and I don’t know the names of any of our employees, much less what their job is, and my secretary, whose name I don’t recall, buys my Kahkis, I just wear them. Gee whiz, I hope you guys sort this all out, it sounds bad, but I didn’t do it.

WeWork

The office-share company once had an over-estimated value of $47 billion, but filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy this week.

WeWork Excuse:

We work at home now.

Georgia Tech v Clemson

Georgia Tech wins and locks up 3rd place in the ACC.

If Clemson wins, Tyler from Spartanburg gets all the credit. Was Tyler from Spartanburg a plant or an authentic call?

Yellow Jackets excuse-

We are as surprised as anyone. We honestly had no idea the rest of the ACC sucked this much.

Tigers excuse-

We do not believe the Transfer Portal is part of God’s plan.

Miami v FSU

Miami scored 6 total points against NC State last week.

In preparation for an expected invite to the college football playoff, FSU has installed special security scanners to identify and deny stadium entrance to anyone with traces of maize or blue.

Hurricane’s excuse-

We had homework, couldn’t practice.

Seminole’s excuse-

The ACC doesn’t pay us enough to arm all the vendors, so we had to cheap-out and get the body aura scanners.

Tennessee v Missouri

What if two competent, but flawed, SEC teams played a game that mattered, was evenly matched, featured two good coaches, and had a spread set at Tennessee -1.5?

That sounds like a fun Saturday at 3:30 on CBS!

No excuses here. Enjoy!

Duke v Carolina

Duke’s three losses are to top 20 teams.

Carolina lost at home to UVA.

Blue Devil excuse-

Our QB hurt his toesies and Coach K wouldn’t kiss the boo boo.

Tar Heels’ excuse-

Brady Manek was tougher to replace than we expected.

West Virginia v Oklahoma

The Sooners lost the last Bedlam and a shot at the last Big 12 Championship.

Mountaineers excuse-

It’s all cool, bro.

Sooner’s excuse-

Too busy packing for the SEC to be troubled with the Big12 nonsense anymore.

USC v Oregon

USC gave up more than 40 points in 5 games this season.

Oregon has scored more than 55 in three games this season.

Ducks excuse-

Some weeks the snazzy uniforms are more scientifically attracted to the end zone than other weeks due to magnets in the paint.

Trojans excuse-

We fired our defensive coordinator with two games left in the seasons. That should fix it.

Arizona v Colorado

Arizona gave up 31 points to Mississippi State earlier this season. That’s the same Mississippi State team that went on a 20 play drive last week that ended in a field goal.

Colorado hasn’t been the same since 60 minutes left town.

Wildcat’s excuse-

We are from the Pac 12 (for now). It would be rude to play defense.

Buffaloes excuse-

Luggage problems. The Louis was a knockoff.

Auburn v Arkansas

Auburn beat Mississippi State, but gave up 13 points to the inept Bulldogs.

Arkansas has a 7-3 loss to Mississippi State and also wins over FCS Western Carolina, 1-8 Kent State, and the formerly dominant Florida Gators on the road.

Razorback’s excuse-

Inventory in Bentonville took longer than expected this year. We are back to a normal practice schedule.

Tiger’s excuse-

Our difficult early-season schedule against UMass, Cal and Samford wore us out.

Colts v Patriots

The New England Patriots, coached by Bill Belichick, have the worst record in the AFC. The Colts are 1-4 at home, but 3-1 on the road.

Colts’ excuse-

Hard to concentrate in Indianapolis because the owner keeps interrupting meetings to ask, “Hey, guys, which is bigger, my pile of money, my pile of sports collectibles, or this pile of illicit narcotics?“

Patriots’ excuse-

Hard to concentrate in Foxboro because the owner keeps interrupting meetings to ask, “Hey, guys, which is bigger, this pile of Super Bowl trophies or this pile of crap roster Belichick built?”

Packers v Steelers

The Steelers are 5-3 with a negative 30 point differential.

The Packers are 3-5 with a plus 1 point differential.

Steeler’s excuse-

Excuse for what?

Packer’s excuse-

Jordan Love found some leftover ayahuasca and a vile of covid vaccine in Aaron Rodgers old locker, and, while he doesn’t have covid, he is hallucinating, his sensory perception is enhanced and he’s made some very deep connections, but none to our wide receivers.

Giants v Cowboys

Even if you had Illinois Fighting Illini season football tickets for the last 50 years, you still don’t know who Giant’s starting QB Tommy DeVito is. He’s supposed to be a rookie on the Giants’ practice squad, but instead he’s starting against a terrifying Cowboy pass rush.

The Cowboys remain the Cowboys, just good enough to talk about too much, not good enough to win a game worth talking about.

Giants’ excuse-

It was too late to trade for Josh Dobbs.

Cowboys excuse-

It’s a curse. We are aware that the moment we finally put Jimmy Johnson in the Ring of Honor, we’ll start winning playoff games again, but Jerry is really stubborn. He’s also drunk.

Falcons v Cardinals

These fearsome feathered rivals first met in 1966. The Cardinals lead the all-time series 17 wins to 16. The Falcons are favored by 1 point as of now. How is this not the game of the week?

Falcons’ excuse-

What part of ‘We are the Falcons’ is confusing you?

Cardinals’ excuse-

Our leading passer this season, Clayton Tune, has a total of 62 passing yards.

Jets v Raiders

The Raiders just beat the 2-7 Giants and celebrated with cigars like they just beat Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.

The Jets, according to OptaSTATS, “Are the only NFL Team in the Super Bowl era to have their defense collect 5+ sacks, hold the opponent to under 200 yards and not allow any 25+ yard plays and yet lose the game by 20+ points.”

Raiders’ excuse-

Hard to concentrate in Vegas because the old old Head Coach kept interrupting meetings to ask, “Has anyone seen my slightly, but definitely, racist emails?” and then the newest old Head Coach would pop in to ask, “Hey, guys, remember when I tried to build this roster the same way Belichick built that pile of crap roster in New England?’ and the newest New Head Coach keeps interrupting meetings to yell, “VIOLENCE AND HASHBROWNS FOR EVERYBODY!”

Jets’ excuse-

Aaron Rodgers is hurt.

Is Aaron Rodgers hurt? Have you seen the x-rays? Have any of you done your own research on the details of this injury to this particular athlete? Why would you trust the media to tell you that Aaron Rodgers is hurt? Why would you trust Aaron Rodgers to tell you he’s hurt if he’s doing so on a paid interview?