Good Day Grover Pickers,
There is a point in every story when you find out.
“O comfortable friar! where is my lord?
I do remember well where I should be,
And there I am. Where is my Romeo?”
– When Juliet awakes and finds Romeo dead.
Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of The Dark Side! Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: No… No. That’s not true! That’s impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!
– The Empire Strikes Back
“Do not sell this farm, Ray. You gotta keep this farm.”
– Mark, to Ray Kinsella in Field of Dreams when he sees the ballplayers in the cornfield.
“She’s not Lois Einhorn! She’s Ray Finkle! She’s a man!”
– Ace Ventura solves the case.
Welcome to November Football. Now, we find out.
Iowa State v Kansas
Texas v Kansas State
Maybe you are just finding this out: Kansas, Kansas State and Texas are all ranked and Iowa State is currently tied for first place in the conference. This is Big12 Playoff football. We are about to find out which team REALLY doesn’t want to play in the PopTart Bowl.
Florida v Arkansas
Florida needs one more win to qualify for the Mayo Bowl. This will be the last time the Gators are favored in a game until 2024. We are about to find out if Billy Napier can survive a three game losing streak and if the Gators all-black uniforms are an homage to the death of the season?
South Carolina v Jacksonville State
It’s an actual cock fight. The SEC Gamecocks have two wins. The CUSA Gamecocks, coached by Rich Rodriguez, have seven wins! We are about to find out who has the biggest …. chicken parts.
Ole Miss v Texas A&M
Let’s find out how it all ends for Jimbo Fisher. The Aggies season will finish either as “Decent, But Unacceptable” and include a win over these Rebels and a crappy bowl game, OR, or it will end as “$70-Million-Buyout-Unacceptable” with a loss to these Rebels and a crappy bowl game with new head coach Jim Harbaugh.
Nebraska v Michigan State
The Cornhuskers can still win the Big10 West and play in the Big10 Championship. The Spartans could lose at home by 50 and as the only sign someone steals is the one of Hitler’s smiling face they put on their scoreboard a few weeks ago, it will be a good day for Sparty. Small steps, Spartans. You can do it.
Notre Dame V Clemson
This isn’t a ‘Find out’ as much as it is a reminder of the Grover Picks motto, “Football is the most important unimportant thing.”
Earlier this week, Tyler from Spartanburg and Dabo from Clemson go into a shouting match on the radio over the value of $11 million.
Only college football can combine ‘Spartanburg’, “$11 million” and ‘Radio’ into a relevant concoction in 2023.
Tyler asked Dabo why he gets $11 million a season to only win four games. Dabo went off on the fan and said, “You are part of the problem. You can apply for the job. Good luck!”
UPDATE: In his tirade, Dabo compares himself to Coach K. This is an incorrect comparison. The proper North Carolina based comparison for Dabo is, as The Commissioner has pointed out previously, Roy Williams. They are both very successful and talented coaches who grew up poor, worked with legends, overcame extreme odds, and got to the top of their profession, and whined the whole time.
If Dabo lived his life 1,000 times, in 998 scenarios he would be the ultra-successful head football coach at a 2A Birmingham-area Christian high school.
In just one of those he would find his way from extremely stressful childhood to being a National Champion at Clemson. His story is noble and remarkable.
Clemson has just four wins and the Tiger’s remaining games are against Notre Dame, Georgia Tech, UNC, and South Carolina. The season could very well end and the Tigers will still have just four wins.
In a surprise to The Commissioner, Dabo Swinney also makes a few points I admire in his rebuttal to Tyler.
Dabo:
“But I’m not going to let anything steal my joy of what I do. It doesn’t mean I’m happy, but I’ve got a lot of joy in what I do. I’m not going to let winning become a relief. I’m not going to allow that to happen. The fun should be in the winning, and if it gets to where it’s not fun anymore, hey, we’ll go from there.”
“It’s frickin’ hard to win. All you’ve got to do is look around the country. What’s happened here is historic. We’re having a bad year. That’s my responsibility. Ain’t nobody happy about it. It’s on me, 100 percent. I ain’t asking nobody to be happy, but let’s not eat our own.”
The Commissioner will defend Dabo’s claim to joy, the idea of not letting winning be ‘relief’, and the wish that fan bases would stop ‘eating our own’ when there are fewer than 12 wins a season.
Yes, Dabo is goofy, hard-headed, inflexible, and unqualified for any other job that pays $11 million a year. Aren’t we all. However, he’s genuine about the joy in his work and he’s not a miserable, evil, cynical, jerk, relative to other coaches.
So, a vote of confidence for the Joy of Dabo, unless the Tigers win only 3 games next season. Then Dabo is infringing on Tyler’s joy and that actually is an $11 million dollar problem.
Oh, an in the 1,000th version of Dabo’s life, he is a supervisor at the Anniston DMV.
The Commissioner STRONGLY recommends listening to the outstanding breakdown of the entire exchange as recreated and explained on the Shutdown Fullcast, The Internet’s Only College Football Podcast. It is the finest piece of critical thinking you will hear all year.
Iowa v Northwestern
If Tyler from Spartanburg does want to apply for Dabo’s job someday, may I recommend starting with the Offensive Coordinator job at Iowa. It’s available, and based on previous hires, Tyler is well qualified.
Iowa, the Biz Markie of college football, could still play for the Big 10 Championship. They are terrible, but successful and occasionally entertaining in a tragic way. Iowa keeps pursuing ‘football’ as if football has got what they need. Iowa treats fans like the girl with long hair and the short mini-skirt, constantly asking if we are loyal to some other team. We, the casual fans of other people’s misery, keep telling Iowa that our other teams are ‘Just a friend.” We fans have 132 other ‘just friends’.
The over/under for Hawkeyes v Wildcats, set at 29, is the lowest number in the history of gambling on college football. For comparison, the average ACT score at Northwestern is 34. At Iowa, it is… 26.
Let’s find out if you can play for championships when your scoring average is 7 points below your ACT average. And, Iowa, please keep in mind Mr. Markie’s advice: “Don’t ever talk to a girl who says, “He’s just has a friend.” RIP Biz Markie.
Oklahoma v Oklahoma State
118th Bedlam
A Cowboys win puts Oklahoma State in first place in the Big12 and sends Oklahoma to the Alamo Bowl, if they are lucky. We’ll find out if the Cowboys can get just their 9th win all-time against the Sooners in Stillwater.
What!? How is this a rivalry? The Sooners are 40-8-5 all time in Stillwater and 50-12-2 in Norman. For perspective, Vanderbilt has 19 wins over Alabama all-time and they haven’t played 117 times!
UVA v Georgia Tech
Nothing to find out here. Both teams were bad in September. In October they both beat North Carolina. They are each well coached and improving. The Yellow Jackets have alternated winning and losing each week, regardless of the opponent. They are due to lose this week since they won last week. So, a Georgia Tech loss to Virginia keeps the Yellow Jackets on schedule to upset Georgia in three weeks. Let’s root for that chaos.
UCF v Cincinnati
Technically, one team gets its first Big12 win this week.
James Madison v Georgia State
Can the Dukes go undefeated and still not get a bowl invitation? We’ll find out.
Georgia v Missouri
Is there a world where the Tigers beat the Bulldogs, upset Alabama in the SEC Championship, and cruise into the college playoff? This is why we have November. This, and pie at Thanksgiving. Those are the two reasons we have November. Also elections, Black Friday, and the gales on the lake Glitche Gumee. But also for Missouri v Georgia. Yay, November!
Auburn v Vanderbilt
At some point, the Commodores start upsetting SEC teams, but they’ll have to beat Auburn first. Is this the week?
Miami v NC State
Two teams that will fight to prove which is just a little bit better than average at football and then move on to basketball season, which is the real calling card at each school.
Oregon v Cal
We’ll find out if you know how to watch the Pac 12 Network. There are just 3 Pac 12 football weeks left, forever. Will you locate the secret key to unlock the Pac 12 Network before Black Friday? Good luck!
Washington v USC
The Grand Poobah’s of College Football published the season’s first Playoff Bracket this week. From their fat leather chairs and tiny, pointed heads, the Lords of the Rights Fees decreed, without being explicit, that if either Washington or Oregon wins just 5 more games without a loss, they shall grace the playoff. That was supposed to be USC’s job. Do the Trojan’s care anymore or are their heads already focussed on the NFL Draft and the NCAA Transfer Portal. We’ll find out.
Alabama v LSU
The Cosmetics Bowl Brought to You By Estee’ Lauder
Once again, somebody new here is going to find out about ‘It Just Means More’ in the SEC. Sure, the game could end in a very Iowa-like 13-10 score, but it will include very SEC-like violence, pageantry, smoked meats, homemade alcohol, and the finest working displays of female hair and makeup this side of Hollywood.
This game is the height of Southern Society. The Commissioner recommends Campus Cosmetics for all your color gameday makeup needs.
For review, here are the proper steps to prepare your face and hair for this game:
- Shampoo and Conditioner
- Hair Mask
- Detangler
- Leave-in conditioner and/or hair oils
- Primer and color corrector
- Foundation
- Concealer
- Blush, Bronzer & Highlighter
- Eyeshadow, Eyeliner, & Mascara
- Eyebrows
- Lips
- Setting Spray or Powder
- Thickening/volumizing mousse
- Heat protectant
- Styling cream and/or hair oils (if heat-styling)
- Beach or texture spray
- Liquor
PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
A few things to consider before you make picks this week.
- There are 7 rookie quarterbacks starting games this week.
- There are 7 Top 7 quarterbacks starting this week.
- There are 14 professional football teams who have no idea what they will get from their professionally average quarterback this week.
- There are 4 happy teams on a bye.
Steelers v Titans
Are you the starting QB?
Browns v Cardinals
Are you the starting QB? (Hint: If your name is ‘Josh Dobbs’, then, “No”)
Vikings v Falcons
Are you the starting QB? (Hint: If your name is ‘Josh Dobbs’, then, “Maybe”)
Raiders v Giants
Are you the starting QB?
Are you the new Raiders Head Coach? (Hint: If your name is Josh McDaniels then, “No”. Jeff Saturday is available!)
Also, here’s a story from the internet that would be more believable if it didn’t involve Mark Davis being clever. Enjoy anyway.
Dolphins v Chiefs
in Frankfurt, Germany
Are you the State Department’s Chief of Protocol? If so, is sending two new Ambassadors to Germany- Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill- a good idea or a great idea?
Let’s find out together. 9:30am. Sunday. NFL Network.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 