October 19, 2023
Good Day Grover Pickers and Football Fans From Around the World…
Update #1
From the International Olympic Committee, which is NOT currently a corrupt organization…
Boxing is currently NOT and Olympic sport in 2028.
Flag football IS an official olympic sport in Los Angeles in 2028.
If the USA does not win gold medals in both the men’s and women’s flag football olympics, we blame Jerry Jones and make him sell the Cowboys.
- Nathan Peterman has been selected as the USA’s starting quarterback and will be the greatest quarterback the rest of the world has ever seen.
- Germany was just called for roughing the passer.
- Great Britain, as the inventor of soccer and a nation solidly against the use of hands in sport, has refused to field a squad.
According to the International Federation of American Football, these are the best international flag football nations…
WOMEN
- USA
- Mexico
- Austria
- Brazil
- Panama
MEN
- USA
- Mexico
- Panama
- Italy
- France
More as this story develops including an in-depth expose on how Mike McDaniel’s three-year-old daughter became the world’s youngest football coach and is turning an upstart band of wayward Austrian farm girls into an international flag football powerhouse.
Update #2
Texas A&M is having internal problems.
Update #3
The Commissioner is always watching football, unless he’s watching steer shows at the North Carolina State Fair. Last Sunday, at 1pm, at the moment all the NFL early games kicked off, The Commissioner was watching an event that began with this announcement:
“This is the heifer calf class, rank number one. These are animals that are future hamburger.”
The announcer, who looks like he trades mutual funds all day, is the Mel Kiper of Beef. He says things like:
“That one’s got great structure and his ears are in the right place. Plenty of strength in the haunches and the animal is shaped like a steer should be shaped. If you do the hard work, that’s at least Fuddruckers grade, maybe as high as 5 Guys.”
Update #4
The NC State fair is mainly, but not exclusively, about fried foods and machines you can ride after eating fried foods so you can throw up and eat more fried foods.
The Commissioner, YOUR Commissioner, dug a little deeper and found an entire building dedicated to honoring the best fruits and vegetables North Carolina could find.
And here today, this week’s football games will share ribbons with the great natural foods of the NC State Fair, plus one pizza crime.
Vols v Bama
2,124 lbs Watermelon
If you think I’m going to make a Big Orange joke and a Phil Fulmer Great Pumpkin joke and a ‘Doesn’t this remind you of the beer gut of every Alabama dad at the lake!’ joke, you are 100% correct.
Air Force v Navy
First Place World Record Watermelon 308 lbs
America’s Fruit for America’s Fighting Men and Women.
Penn State v Ohio State
Various Nuts and Ribbons
Must be a buckeye in here somewhere. Maybe they taste good. Maybe they’ll let you down.
Clemson v Miami
Other Warm Season – 3rd Place
Hay… the key to a good warm season grass is adaptability, heat and drought tolerance, resistance to wear, and density. Considering Miami’s clock management skill and Clemson’s inability to use the portal, fair to say these two teams excel at density, not so much at adaptability. Third place is overachieving.
Duke v Florida State
Most Unusual Vegetable – 8th place
This is mostly for Duke. A good Duke football team, or, at least, a ‘successful’ Duke football team, is always the most unusual vegetable. And the withered carrot reminds me of Mike Krzyzewski.
Charlotte v East Carolina
Sunflower Head -8th place
The keys to a good sunflower include head health, symmetry, and seed arrangement. This year’s NC State fair entries appear to be in a competition for the ‘deadest looking plant’ and there were 7 worse entries than this? Winless Charlotte should put a dead sunflower on its helmet.
USF v UCONN
Best Pickle Pizza
Former Big East ‘Rivals’ clash in the football equivalent of pickle pizza, which is to say, “Here’s a thing that should not exist in nature or the imagination.”
Minnesota v Iowa
Sweet Corn -Blue Ribbon
Iowa produces the most corn of any state in the U.S. Corn is the least offensive vegetable. Iowa, currently averaging an FBS-worst 247 total yards per game, is the least offensive college football team.
What makes a good corn? The husk should be fresh, green, and tightly wrapped, indicating that the corn is at its peak freshness. The silk (the fine, hair-like threads) should be pale and not overly dry or brown. The cob must be clean, unblemished, free from mold, discoloration, or insect damage.
Iowa football is certainly pale.
Ole Miss v Auburn
Okra -9th place
Okra, especially fried okra, is a delicacy in some cultures. To others, its existence is offensive. 9th place okra isn’t benefitting anyone. I give you the Rebels and the Tigers.
The best okra is fresh and lacks wilting. Fresh okra pods should be crisp and not limp or dehydrated. Okra pods should have a uniform shape, typically slender and slightly tapered. The okra pods should be free from pesticide residue or other contaminants.
This was going so well until we got to the two human pesticide residues, Lane Kiffin and Hugh Freeze.
Lions v Ravens
12.84 lbs — Largest Sweet Potato
Just the the Lions and Ravens, It ain’t pretty, but it is awesome.
Browns v Colts
Commercial Green Apples -7th place
Overly soft or mushy apples are less desirable. The color variations may be good, the size and shape may look close to correct, but if the firmness is off, these are bad apples. These 7th place apples look like perfectly good apples, but they are not even top 5 apples. Maybe they’d be better as sauce?
Steelers v Rams
Cookies -Third Place
Third place cookies are still cookies. The Rams and Steelers may not have great records, but this game will still be tasty, and, like these cookies, maybe a little weird looking.
Chargers v Chiefs
Pepper Display -2nd place
A pepper is judged by heat and flavor, but consistency is also important as is aftertaste. Watch the Chargers and let me know if you enjoy the aftertaste. Watch the Chiefs and let me know if they taste as hot as they look. This is not a blue ribbon matchup, but it should be. Which makes these second place peppers.
Dolphins v Eagles
Butter Sculpture of French Fries — Best of Show
This is a butter sculpture of french fries. It’s the best thing I saw at the fair. A good butter sculpture is exactly like this Dolphins v Eagles matchup. It is creative and original. It demonstrates skill and technique. There is attention to detail and structural integrity. It shows strong color and engages the audience.
Happy Picking and, now armed with this vital information about quality fruits, vegetables, and pickle pizza, please enjoy your trip to the grocery store, too!
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 