October 12, 2023

Good Day Grover Pickers,

Some people, NOT YOU, need help making decisions.

Those kind of ‘people’ are not invited to the exclusive club of Grover Pickers.

We Grover Pickers call ‘those people’, in the kind parlance of your favorite evangelical fundraiser, “Marks”.

Here at the Grover Picks, we’ve gathered history’s most clear-minded decision makers. Self-assured, confident, and clairvoyant. Our skills cannot be taught. We are imbued with the power of our own self-delusion into knowing, beyond all doubt, that we are right, always. Every time. About everything.

For a Grover Picker, foresight is 20/20 and hindsight is for ‘Marks’.

Should we Grover Pickers monetize our skill to further exploit the market inefficiency we’ve discovered? Could our innate gift for deep-thinking and wisdom provide comfort and value to commercialized financial sports-belching?

No. Our gifts are to be a service to mankind, tools for the betterment of all living things. When you fully understand the merits of New Mexico State’s ‘spider-back 3-4 zone’ versus 12 personnel and the variance inherent between using it on a Tuesday night or a Saturday before 3:30, as we do, then you must give these gifts freely to the world.

So with this week’s picks I’ve asked several Grover Pickers to reveal the secrets to their divination skills in the hope, nee’ the knowledge, that these few ideas will finally lead us all to world peace and general wisdom among a global population that still does not understand how/when to use your car’s emergency flashing lights.

Tulane v Memphis

The Green Wave are favored by 4.5 points. You really cannot trust anyone in either New Orleans or Memphis.

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”
• MORE COWBELL- TIn my mind Tulane can’t lose in those colors.
• SOFTFOCUS- Memphis is too far upstream.
• COMMIT TO THE G- Tulane over Memphis because we were robbed in Memphis.

THIS IS TRUE: COMMIT TO THE G and THE COMMISSIONER were robbed in Memphis in 2017. Hoodlums broke into the church van we were driving while we were touring the legendary Sun Records. Here’s an actual photo of what we were doing while the crooks nicked our daypacks from the van. We are still mad.

South Carolina v Florida

The Steve Spurrier Visor Bowl

The Gators are 30-10-3 all-time vs the Gamecocks, but this week USC is favored by 2 points.

• SuperGrover – “I’m a Gator. I always pick the Gators. Even when the suck. Billy Napier should grow out his hair or start wearing a hat, or at least more sunscreen.”
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”
  

#20 Vols v Talented But Unranked Aggies

This is a long-simmering rivalry between two of the 128 Division 1 schools that hate Alabama the most.

The Vols and Aggies rivalry goes all the way back to 1957, a 3-0 UT win. Over then next 66 seasons, these SEC Big Boys have played THREE times, with the tense rivalry now tied at 2 wins for the Vols and 2 wins for the Aggies. Something’s gotta give in Knoxville this week.

• CHATTABABY- “WOOOOOOOOO, Vols!”
• VOLUNATOR – “WOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEE Vols!”
• BAMA DADDY- “Gig ’em!”
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

One overlooked key to winning football is the strength of a cheerleading squad. Here is a link to an article from “Rocky Top Gifts” titled: Vols Cheerleaders, A History of Success”. The article includes this sentence:

“Always a staple in their community, they bring hope and compassion to those around them..”

#7 Washington v #8 Oregon

If SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey was actually good at his job, this would be the SEC Game of the Week. Many people choose a game winner based on uniform and Oregon has a great history of innovative uniforms. For this matchup, for the last time in the Pac-12 and a battle of top 10 teams, the Ducks will wear their “Duck-Tron” unis, as models here by #34.

Wisconsin v Iowa

The Heartland Trophy Game

Iowa is committed to averaging 25 offensive points per game this season. It’s an outrageous goal and there is an entire website, and multiple social media channels, devoted to tracking the progress.

Brian Ferentz Points Tracker is my favorite.

The Hawkeyes are currently averaging 21.83 points per game. This week they have a special helmet decal replacing the usual Hawkeye logo.

• COMMIT TO THE G- Wisconsin over Iowa because the cheese tastes better in WI.
• SOFTFOCUS- Wisconsin. Iowa reminds me of my college days. They can’t score.
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Georgia State v Marshall

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Texas Tech v Kansas State

The Red Raiders and the Wildcats have a combined total of 410,000 living alumni. For reference, Penn State and Indiana, Indiana!, both claim more than 700,000 living alumni each. That means there are 260,426,730 Americans over the age of 18 who have no idea how to pick the winner of Texas Tech vs Kansas State. But Grover Picker Super Genius of the Year for All Time SHERISH95 does!

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Wyoming v Air Force

Update: Wyoming and Air Force are both good at football this season! The Falcons are undefeated and are a 9 point favorite. The Cowboys have just one loss, to Texas, and only because Texas is Back.

Sometimes it’s wise to use a school’s fight song lyrics to determine which team will have a better and all-important third down conversion rate.

Wyoming- RAGTIME COWBOY JOE

“He always sings raggy music to the cattle as he swings back and forward in the saddle,on a horse – a pretty good horse! He’s got a syncopated gaiter, and you ought to hear the meterto the roar of his repeater; how they run – yes run! – when they hear that he’s ‘a-comin’, cause the western folks all know, he’s a high-falootin’, rootin, tootin’, son of a gun from ol’ Wyoming, Ragtime Cowboy, Talk about your Cowboy, Ragtime Cowboy Joe.”

Air Force- FALCON FIGHT SONG (played after a PAT)

Fly you Falcons down the field;

Tear the enemy asunder!

Bare your talons, make them yield;

Give them all your thunder!

Spread your strong wings wide and high;

Fight for victory!

Never say die, keep flying high

For the Air Force Academy!

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

#22 LSU v Auburn

• COMMIT TO THE G- LSU over Auburn because I went to an LSU game this year and they make you solemnly swear over a plate of jambalaya to be a fan for the rest of the year, and that jambalaya was good.
• MORE COWBELL- Hugh still loves hookers. Geaux tigers
• SOFTFOCUS- in a battle of disingenuous coaches, the fake accent prevails
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

24- Kentucky v Missouri

• COMMIT TO THE G- Kentucky over Missouri because bluegrass music started there.
• SOFTFOCUS- Kentucky. I like the idea of “The Commonwealth” more than the demanding state slogan, “Show Me”
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

21-Notre Dame v 10-USC

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

For comparison, here’s two dudes from San Antonio who have started their own gambling advice show on YouTube. It’s part of the Pub Sports ‘network’. One of them wears a shirt with ‘Vegas’ stitched on it. They must know what they are talking about. (Seriously, credit for even making this real. It takes a lot of work and they do have 26,970 more subscribers than the Grover Picks.)

#12 UNC v #25 Miami

The Commissioner will be on hand to scout this game in person and I will NOT be eating any of that garbage Bojangles chicken they are so proud of in North Carolina. If you are judging teams by stadium food, the Tar Heels are a tough sell, but there should be a Chick-Fil-A sandwich stand, too, and so UNC will squeak by.

• COMMIT TO THE G- UNC over Miami because Drake May doesn’t play for Miami.
• MORE COWBELL – Cristobal is gonna lose the locker room. Maye is gonna throw for days
• SOFTFOCUS- UNC. Cristobal perfects the kneel down…unfortunately he does so while trailing.
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Side Note: North Carolina State Fair

An alert reader at the soda shoppe asked me just the other day, “Hey, Commissioner, how come you give all that love to the Texas State Fair when the North Carolina State Fair is going on right now and we’ve got great new food, too!”

The question is reasonable and The Commissioner’s answer is unassailable: “Because I’d rather lick rubber floor mats from a used Kenworth hauler than any of these ’New’ foods from the North Carolina State Fair….”

Dill Pickle Donut

Whole Pickles

Snow Cheddar Chicken

The Morning After Stuffed Leg

This is a Giant turkey leg stuffed with cheese, eggs and potato tots drizzled with lime crema, your favorite fruit jam or smoked turkey breakfast gravy.

Deep Fried Ribs

Pulled Pork Mac & Cheese Danish

First, North Carolinians believe all ‘Barbecue’ is ‘pulled-pork’. Bless their hearts. Second, North Carolina Barbecue is NOT the best barbecue in the world. It’s not even in the Top 10. It’s really good and tasty, but relies heavily on the idea that all barbecue is good barbecue and better than the other food alternatives. Pulled pork is highly average when compared to other barbecued meats.

#15 Oregon State v #18 UCLA

Ranked Pac-12 teams in a meaningful game in October. Enjoy it while you can.

• COMMIT TO THE G- Oregon St over UCLA because OSU wears Halloween colors and its October
• SUPERGROVER- UCLA. Greatest Freshman Year Ever.
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Dolphins v Panthers

Bills v Giants

• Nobody – “I like the underdogs in these two games.”

Cowboys v Chargers

The two most eternally talented, but underperforming, franchises in the history of competitive football. The hype is real, and so are the results.

• COMMIT TO THE G- Cowboys over the Chargers because the Cowboys fans I work with said they are going to win the Super Bowl.
• MORE COWBELL- Is Big Mike’s job on the line? Cowboys bounce back
• TOM BRADY- “This game is an insult to perfection.”
• SOFTFOCUS- Cowboys. Herbert is an old French name of heretical origin. It loosely translate to, “Fear of Parsons”
• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Raiders v Patriots

The only thing that matters here is Bill Belichick’s pursuit of the All-Time Losses record. He’s currently tied with Don Shula at #5 even though Belichick has coached 35 fewer games at this point.

The Patriots coach currently needs 13 losses to be the NFL’s All-Time Losingest Coach.

NFL Coaching Losses Top 5 (from Pro Football Reference)

1. Dan Reeves- 165 in 357 games over 23 seasons
2. Jeff Fisher- 165 in 339 games over 22 seasons
3. Tom Landry- 162 in 418 games over 29 seasons
4. Don Shula- 156 in 490 games over 33 seasons
5. Bill Belichick- 156 in 455 games over 29 seasons

Belichick needs 30 wins to pass Don Shula as the winningest NFL coach of All-Time.

NFL Coaching Wins Top 5 (from Pro Football Reference)

1. Don Shula- 328 in 490 games over 33 seasons
2. George Halas- 318 in 497 games over 40 seasons
3. Bill Belichick- 299 in 455 games over 29 seasons
4. Andy Reid- 251 in 391 games over 25 seasons
5. Tom Landry- 250 in 418 games over 29 seasons

For this week the question becomes, “Which side is Jimmy Garroppolo on?”

Lions v Bucs

This game garnered the most variety in how Grover Pickers determine a winner. It’s instructive.

Fear as a Motivator

• COMMIT TO THE G- Lions over the Bucs because I don’t want to cross Dan Campbell. He scares me.

Home Field Advantage

• SOFTFOCUS- Bucs despite the irony of the clause, “the friendly confines of Detroit…” it holds true as the Lions falter in Florida

Historical Perspective

• MORE COWBELL- I think we find out this week the Lions aren’t elite yet. Bucs outright

Crowd Sourcing

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

Vikings v Bears

• SHERISH95 “I hit the favorites button”

The favorites button is tried and true, but what about a game that should have no favorites?

Wisely, the Grover Pickers are not divulging all of our secrets, world peace or not.

Happy Picking,

The Commissioner