September 28,2023

Good Day Grover Pickers,

I hope you enjoyed last week’s AI generated blog. I won’t be doing that anymore. Not since I discovered the AI generated Jerry Jones exhibit at AT&T Stadium. You can pay actual money to sit in a room and ask a hologram Jerry Jones questions and, using AI, “Jerry” will answer you. We knew the robots would eventually turn on us, but did they have to start with Jerry Jones?

https://youtube.com/shorts/7R_txPce0i4?si=oTzu20YHruhw8lBf

Pairing AI with Jerry Jones is a terrible, awful, no-good misalignment of priorities, values and money.

So we Grover Pickers fight on, analog style. Let’s see if we can create a few happier, less drunky-gropey pairings.

Pairing the right people together leads to greater personal happiness, enhanced creativity, financial stability, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Sometimes you can extend a great pairing to 3 such as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Banana Bread, or the Golden Girls.

Football is no different. Just this season, only a month in, we’ve already been gifted with:

Deion and Colorado Football

Alabama and a Loss

Tyreek Hill and Open Space

Deion and a Microphone

Destiny and the New York Jets

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift

YouTube and NFL Sunday Ticket’s Quad Box

Usher and Super Bowl Halftime

Ricky Pearsall and a Wayward Pass

Mike Evans and a Wayward Pass

These are terrific, but they are not enough. We want more. You deserve more! Here are The Commissioner’s Top Pairings I wish for you and all mankind.

Lions v Packers

188th Meeting, Second Longest NFL Rivalry

Pair the Lions with a Super Bowl appearance. It’s a sight we’ve never seen. Then, put Michigan in the College Football Championship Game. Cut a deal to end the auto worker’s strike. Put Kid Rock and Eminem in a cage match to the death and after Eminem wins, Detroit will officially join the 21st Century and America shall be whole again.

Oregon State v Utah

This is earthy-crunchy Georgia v Auburn if Auburn were good and if the Bulldogs and Tigers were separated by two mountain ranges and a desert.

The pairing is easy- put Oregon State and Washington State, the PAC-2, in a new P5 conference with North Dakota State, South Dakota, Nevada, both New Mexicos and maybe Wyoming or Fresno State. Call it the Roughriders Conference in honor of Teddy Roosevelt who A) saved college football in 1905 by using his Presidential power of persuasion to mitigate violence, B)emerged from youthful illness by riding the Dakota range as cowboy, and C)founded the National Parks in the Dakotas and Oregon.

Finally, all coaches in the Roughriders Conference must sport a mustache such as this:

Texas A&M v Arkansas

Arkansas is the neighbors cute pet pig. It’s there. We are glad it’s there. It’s harmless, mostly. Maybe someone, not me, can ask that Jerry Jones AI machine why the Razorbacks are as inconsistent as non-Newtonian fluids. Is it because they are from Arkansas?

Meanwhile in College Station, the dream pairing of Jimbo Fisher and offensive coordinator Bobby Petrino has rocketed the Aggie offense to 30th in the nation. Thirtieth is a scooch better than Arizona and not quite as good as SMU. Who says money can’t buy happiness?

The Aggies have tried everything to be competitive. They matched up a coach with a Brinks truck. They matched up the top recruiting class of all time with twelve Brinks trucks.

There is one, and only one, solution to get Texas A&M to the heights of college football. It will be a marriage of necessity, desperation and pure genius.

Texas A&M Head Coach Johnny Manziel!

USC v Colorado

What if either squad paired their offense with a defense that specialized in tackling and coverage? Colorado is 125th in Total Defense, giving up more than 6 yards per play. USC is 73rd in total defense, just ahead of Hawaii and just behind Minnesota, a team that just lost to Northwestern.

Who cares? Defense is not glamorous and this game is about glamour. Here are the best celebrity pairings for each school.

USC Fans

Kentucky v Florida

The Wildcats have two consecutive wins, a pair, against Florida. The Wildcats have won 3 of the last 5 against the Gators after losing 31 straight.

Maybe it’s time of the Gators to get a pair. (of wins, of course.)

Georgia v Auburn

The 128th game in the South’s Oldest Rivalry

Bo Jackson is, by far and without argument, the greatest football player from either school not named Hines Ward. Bo may be the greatest football payer from every school. What if Bo was a freshman right now at Colorado where he could not only play football and baseball, he could play offense and defense for the Buffs? Who Know?

Tennessee v South Carolina

Sadly for the Vols, the most likely paring in this game is a Joe Milton deep throw landing in the hands of Gamecock defensive backs.

The pairing of South Carolina with the Duke’s Mayo Bowl should be an annual tradition. If South Carolina fiddles around and wins this game, they could play themselves out of contention for the best food-related mid-tier bowl.

Notre Dame v Duke

If we could find a way, somehow and I don’t know how, to pair the first 10 Irish defenders on the field with, and hear me out, an ELEVENTH defensive player AT THE SAME TIME…. maybe ND could beat Duke.

Jaguars v Falcons

The Jaguars and London go together like Watson and Holmes, the Queen and Enrico Palazzo, Churchill and Fools, Fish and French Fries.

Someday maybe the Falcons will pair their offense with TE Kyle Pitts.

Vikings v Panthers

Broncos v Bears

2 Games, 4 Teams, ZERO wins between them. As Pete Axthelm would call it, The “Repus Bowls” (“Super” backwards).

Is it the quarterback’s fault these teams keep losing?

Kirk Cousins threw for 367 yards and 3 TD’s last week and lost.

Russell Wilson threw for 306 yards and a TD last week (Tua threw for 309) and the Broncos lost by 50.

It probably is not their fault.

Justin Fields of the Bears completed 11 passes for 87 yards last week. He should ask for a trade to the Jets. Maybe it’s not a great week to face the Broncos defense that gave up 70 points last week. Or maybe it is?

Bryce Young of the Panthers did not play last week due to injury. It won’t be the last time.

If you are a fan of any of these teams, or, if you are forced to watch these games, the best pairing for you is an anvil to the brain.

Saints v Bucs

Do you think the Bucs would consider trading for Saints starting QB Jameis Winston?

Bills v Dolphins

What if Spurrier had replaced Don Shula instead of Jimmy Johnson? How would Dan Marino thrive in a Spurrier offense? Related: The League sent a memo to the Dolphins this week, and only the Dolphins, insisting that Tyreek Hill, Raheem Mostert, and DaVon Achan all wear ankle weights this week just to make it fair for Buffalo.

Fun Fact: Aaron Rodgers and Tua Tagovailoa have both been sacked exactly one time this season.

Chiefs v Jets

It’s only week 4 and the Jets are already crashing in slow motion. They need a new quarterback. I hear Ryan Leaf is still available.

The Chiefs just added a billion Swifties to their fan base. Now they are back on Sunday Night Football. Could we get a new Sunday Night Football theme with Carrie Underwood, Joan Jett and Taylor Swift? Or a new Monday Night theme song (In The Air Tonight) with Snoop Dogg, Chris Stapleton and Cindy Blackman Santana?

More theme song pairing ideas:

A.I. Whitney Houston, A.I. Meatloaf, A.I. Tony Bennett collaborating on “All My Rowdy Friends”.

Neil Young, Queen Latifa, and Luke Combs on “Seven Nation Army”

Tom Waits, A.I.Leonard Cohen, and Bob Dylan sing “Sweet Caroline”

Jerry Jones, Terry Bradshaw, Jerry Glanville sing Mac Davis’ “Lord, It’s Hard To Be Humble”.

Just some ideas.

I’m going to go pair a fresh baked fudge brownie with a gallon of vanilla bean ice cream, sit on my couch, and enjoy all the chaos.

Happy Picking,

The Commissioner