Sept 14 2023
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Some people think this is a garbage week of football, fit only for raccoons.
Raccoons love garbage. The bandit-rats use their strong, spiny, fingers to pop open even the tightest fitting trash can lids. The Commissioner has done the research and witnessed this himself. Their ‘grip-and-rip’ move would humble Reggie White.
A raccoon’s go-to move is the ’dive-in’. The best garbage rummage is done from within the can, at eye level. Raccoons frolic, you could say swim, among the wrappers and waste you and I have no use for. The Commissioner, as you would expect from a man of science such as himself, has researched this, too. He once found a a full-grown raccoon asleep in a garbage can on top of a licked-clean set of chicken bones. That raccoon napped for 12 hours in there, not leaving until it got dark again.
Your family calls it garbage, because it is. The raccoon calls it a goldmine, because raccoons are not normal people.
The so-called ‘experts’ call this a garbage weekend for football games, especially college. We Grover Pickers call it a goldmine, because we are not normal raccoons.
Let’s frolic!
LSU v Mississippi State
An 11am kick-off in Starkville, or, as it’s called in Baton Rouge, ‘bed time’.
The expectation is always that LSU wins, and they are 77-36 all time vs. the Bulldogs.
However, Mississippi State has to be desperate. With more conference realignment possible in the next 10 years, with SEC schools set to ‘earn’ One Hundred Million Dollars per season as soon as 2028, more schools may get the Washington State/Oregon State treatment. MSU needs to start winning big, soon, before their SEC brethren figure out that Nashville (Vandy) has more business in the SEC than Starkville.
Georgia v South Carolina
Gamecock fans ought to wear raccoon masks to every home game. Williams Brice is always full but, except for most of the Spurrier years, these people have wallowed in a lot of garbage.
Unfortunately for South Carolina, Georgia doesn’t just throw the garbage on the lawn when they visit your house, they smash the good china and pee on shag carpets, too.
The Backyard Brawl
Pittsburgh v West Virginia
If this game were an actual backyard, it would feature a 3 foot high chain-link fence surrounding a patchy lawn. Closer to the house is the above ground pool with green water. Further out, there is a faded yellow school bus parked against the fence with the hood up. Three bus seats are set on the ground around a large hole that serves as a fire pit. There is charcoaled furniture still smoldering from last week’s burn.
If you visit this backyard, you have to come ready to fight dirty.
Duke v Northwestern
As of this season, the winner of this most elitist Power 5 (for now) ‘rivalry’ is awarded the Grey Poupon Cup with a ham sandwich.
The Rio Grande Rivalry (113th Edition)
New Mexico v New Mexico State
If I tell you New Mexico State has to travel 200 miles north just to get to Albuquerque to face the Lobos, you may think the NMSU Aggies go to school in the middle of nowhere.
Yes and No. New Mexico State is in Las Cruces, which is next to the White Sands missile range and only 43 miles north of El Paso, Texas, which, granted, is also mostly adjacent to uninhabitable, arid, windy dirt, but El Paso is an actual city. (The Commissioner saw El Paso on Live PD one season, so can confirm it is an actual place.)
As far as football goes, this is a Raccoon Super Bowl. Since the rivalry’s inception in 1894, New Mexico State and New Mexico football teams have combined to spend a total of 6 of a possible 6,733 weeks ranked in any college football poll. (All 6 weeks by New Mexico State).
Rocky Mountain Showdown
Colorado v Colorado State
This game is the real and actual center of the college football universe.
Game Day will be in Boulder.
Big Noon Kickoff will be in Boulder.
60 Minutes will be in Boulder.
All of this attention on two dumpster-fire football programs.
The Buffs and the Rams had a combined record last season of 4-20.
Colorado State Head Coach Jay Norvell is in his first season coaching in Fort Collins. Colorado Head Coach Deion Sanders is in his first season coaching in Boulder
Three games into the season and these coaches have the entire football world to themselves on Saturday.
The Rams feature 56 players who were not on the roster last year.
The Buffalos feature 86 players who were not on the roster last year.
On Saturday the best high school recruits in the country will see and hear every media outlet in America applauding the Colorado Come-Up.
And then every Top 1000, 12-Star, Elite High School Football Recruit will Google the exact same thing: “What are the marijuana laws in Colorado?”
It’s Football Time in Colorado.
Tennessee v Florida
See above for “Rocky Mountain Showdown”.
See all that hubbub and bluster from College Football Media?
That used to be you.
Now your storied annual rivalry, which will likely end with the new SEC schedule format, is considered a banquet for hungry raccoons, a buffet of trash.
Solution: You may have to reconsider your marijuana laws, soon, although, it is likely one of you was high during your last coaching search, and it wasn’t Tennessee.
The National Football League
Bucs v Bears
All I can think about is how great Walter Payton would be in today’s NFL and he’s already considered one of the 5 greatest running backs of all-time.
Dallas v Jets
There is never anything nice to say about the Jets, but in deference to the injury that has robbed Aaron Rodgers of his ACL, I respectfully will refrain this week from pointing out just how awful this franchise, their uniforms, their fans, their owner, the towel boys, the hot dog vendors, the parking attendants, the secretarial staff, the trainers, the beat writers, their barbers, Fireman Ed, the stadium turf, the water pressure in the training facility, the lobby furniture, AND the quality of their casual-wear shoe laces are for all of football. People know. Doesn’t need to be said in these difficult times.
Also, based on the shut-out performance of the Cowboy’s defense last week and the career performance of new/old Jets QB Zach Wilson, this should be my favorite game of the week.
Dolphins v Patriots
Wait, no, this is my favorite game of the week. Even Belichick has no defense for a guy who can run right by you at will. Enjoy Tyreek Hill as long as you can, fans. Nobody promises a ‘next play’. Just ask the Jets.
MONDAY NIGHT DOUBLE HEADER!
Saints v Panthers
Browns v Steelers
DO NOT watch the Saints v Panthers. You’d better spend your time training a pet raccoon to set the formal dining room for dinner with the Queen.
Browns v Steelers on the other hand….
The Cowboys defense got all the publicity for a shutout on Sunday Night Football, but the Browns held Joe Burrow and the Bengals to 81 passing yards.
81 yards. For the whole game. It wasn’t bad offense. It was unbelievable defense.
Browns v Steelers. Hallelujah!
Happy Picking and don’t forget to lock your garbage can lids,
Jr. Raccoon Ranger The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 