November 2, 2022

Good Day  Grover Pickers, 

HAPPY RANKING DAY! 

The first College Football Playoff Rankings of the season are here and so today we rank everything worth ranking. 

#1 Tennessee Volunteers VS Yesterday’s News #3 Georgia Bulldogs

It happened. The Vols are #1. Their path to a legitimate national championship is easy. Just win 7 more games, and the trophy is yours. You could also do it with 6 wins and one loss.

It’s important to point out something the mainstream Sports media won’t tell you: Since your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, visited Hendon Hooker’s workout in January, the Vol QB is 8-0 and now the leading candidate to win the Heisman Trophy. You are welcome. 

To celebrate, here is a TikTok video created by the Son of Grover Picker SOFTFOCUS. It currently has 40 MILLION VIEWS!

@beachgalloway

When the blue shirt man won’t get out of the way #VOLS

♬ original sound – Beach Galloway

#23 Oregon State Beavers at Washington Huskies

We pick this just so you know Oregon State is now ranked in the top 25, which means there are two schools from Oregon ranked and only one school from Florida ranked and it’s #25 UCF. 

#8 Oregon Ducks at Colorado Buffaloes

This was a mistake. We shouldn’t be picking games with 31.5 point spreads. The Commissioner regrets the error. 

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes at Northwestern Wildcats

This was a mistake. We shouldn’t be picking games with 38 point spreads. The Commissioner regrets the error. 

#6 Alabama Crimson Tide v #10 LSU Tigers

Then, suddenly, LSU is ranked #10, at home, with a chance to put Bama in the Citrus Bowl. 

REASONS BAMA SHOULD PLAY IN THE CITRUS BOWL RANKED

  1. Bama hasn’t been to Orlando since before the pandemic
  2. Saban looks great in mouse ears
  3. Saban versus Happiest Place On Earth is a classic grudge match
  4. Can make on offer to buy an elephant mascot at Animal Kingdom 
  5. Because they lost at #10 LSU and made Brian Kelly a Bayou legend

#21 UNC Tar Heels at Virginia Cavaliers

The South’s Oldest Rivalry. This is the 127th meeting. American Patriot Isaac Shelby quarterbacked UNC in the first game at the Battle of Kings Mountain, routing Thomas Jefferson’s squad and sending them all the way back to Yorktown. 

OLDEST RIVALRIES RANKED

  1. You v Everybody
  2. Army v Navy
  3. Us v Them
  4. Princeton v Yale
  5. Good v Evil
  6. Athens v Sparta
  7. Lafayette v Lehigh
  8. Man v Man 
  9. Amherst v Williams
  10. Ford v Chevy
  11. UNC v Virginia
  12. Dogs v Cats 
  13. Stanford v Cal
  14. Water v Fire
  15. Wisconsin v Minnesota v Iowa
  16. Saban v Standards
  17. UCF v USF
  18. Man v Nature
  19. UNC v Wake
  20. Kanye v Reality

#4 Clemson Tigers at Notre Dame Fighting Irish 

A win here and Clemson has an excellent chance to go 12-0 and you still won’t believe they are any good, but they will face Tennessee in the playoff, and lose to Heisman Trophy winner Hendon Hooker. Be aware, despite losing to Marshall, Notre Dame has beaten two ranked teams on the road.

#16 Illinois Fighting Illini v Michigan State Spartans 

The visiting team at Illinois’ Memorial Stadium gets its own tunnel.  All 29 of the Spartans players who remain eligible to play after beating down Michigan players in the Big House tunnel last week should be safe from themselves. 

BEST STADIUMS FOR VISITING TEAMS

  1. Williams Brice, Columbia, SC- Next to a Bojangles Chicken and Biscuits
  2. Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe, AZ- Sun, Fun, 62,000 beautiful students, great Mexican food and it’s next to the airport for a quick escape. 
  3. Folsom Field, Boulder, CO- Live animal show features a charging bison
  4. Bobby Dodd Stadium, Atlanta, GA- Across the street from the Varsity, plus, ATL Rocks.  
  5. Tiger Stadium, Baton Rouge, LA- The fans may smell like corn dogs, but they are delicious smelling corn dogs
  6. The Rose Bowl, Pasadena, CA – It’s the Rose Bowl

THE UNRANKABLES

Air Force Falcons v Army Black Knights

This would have been an intra-squad scrimmage during WWII. Today, it is a clash of two service academies that are better than Navy. 

SERVICE and SERVICE INDUSTRY ACADEMIES RANKED

  1. Navy
  2. Army
  3. Air Force
  4. Coast Guard
  5. Citadel
  6. VMI
  7. Johnson & Wales
  8. Sullivan University National Center for Hospitality Studies
  9. Metropolitan Community College Nebraska
  10. Arizona State
  11. LaGuardia Community College
  12. Texas A&M

Florida Gators v Texas A&M Aggies

We have discovered the biggest issue at Kyle Field.  Jimbo didn’t pay the exterminator bill on time. 

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Charlotte Forty-Niners

Charlotte lost 12 of its last 14 games,  fired its head coach last week and then scored 59 points against Rice.  Firing a head coach has led to similar wins by Georgia Tech,  Wisconsin,  so there may be hope for… 

Auburn Tigers at Mississippi State Bulldogs

Was Bryan Harsin the problem? Or, is Auburn the New Jersey Nets of college football? Is the current ineptitude just a symptom of a larger, decades old, culture problem and inferiority complex? Why is Lane Kiffin the alleged ‘top choice’ to be the next Tiger head coach? The Commissioner spent a year in Auburn. He has visited Oxford. Why would ‘Big Time’ Lane, who clearly hates muddy lakes,  make a  lateral career move to a different dumpy southern village?  

DUMPY SOUTHERN VILLAGES RANKED

  1. Memphis, TN- How do so many cool things come from such a depressing place?
  2. Opelieka, AL- Glittering Despair
  3. Dunwoody, GA- The Swanson Frozen TV Dinner of neighborhoods
  4. Orange Park, FL- Crappy with a side of Spanish moss
  5. West Virginia- Beautiful as long as you don’t park within 10 miles of anybody else
  6. Richmond, VA- Snooty with a side of desperation and loss
  7. Myrtle Beach, SC – Tacky’s Hometown
  8. Winston-Salem, NC – Made BILLIONS selling cigarettes to the world and built a city that looks like the smoke-break area behind a government building. 

LEADING AUBURN HEAD COACH CANDIDATES RANKED

  1. Deion Sanders – He’s doing great. He doesn’t need this B.S. He’ll be the only minority candidate considered and there is zero chance he gets offered the job. 
  2. Matt Ruhle – He’s Tanned, Chubby and Ready. He believes in all the classic  football cliches and anachronisms. Perfect fit. 
  3. Hugh Freeze– Would rather have the Tennessee job because there’s already a Hooker on the roster. 
  4. Chip Kelly– Fits in at Auburn like goat poop in your Cheerios. 
  5. Urban Meyer – The Tigers are hungry for a black-hearted, malevolent dictator who is a winner. A callous, cynical, expensive choice. Perfect fit. 
  6. Bill O’Brien– Just the kind of angry mediocrity Auburn values. OK fit.
  7. Jon Gruden – Gruden’s emails could have been written by any of 47  different Auburn trustees or boosters. Whatever he said is not an HR foul on the Plains. Perfect fit. Should get the job. Auburn will become Y-Banana U. 

Washington State Cougars at Stanford Cardinal

The Stanford Tree has been suspended for the rest of the season. 

Stanford used to host more than 150 registered parties on campus for all students and/or neighborhoods. This year, it’s 48. The students refer to the Administration’s tactics as “Stanford Hates Fun”. The Tree expressed this at last week’s game by holding a huge sign (with a beautiful assist from Sparky,  the ASU Sun Devil mascot) that read, “Stanford Hates Fun”, and, as if to prove the point, Stanford Admin suspended the Tree. 

Say it with me. “Free the Tree! Free the Tree! Free the Tree!”. 

REASONS THE STANFORD BAND HAS BEEN BANNED RANKED

  1. Failed to Tackle Cal Kick Returner
  2. Tried to tip an airplane in flight
  3. Insulted Iowa
  4. Insulted Oregon
  5. Insulted BYU
  6. Insulted Notre Dame
  7. Insulted USC
  8. Insulted City of Los Angeles
  9. Insulted San Diego State
  10. Insulted USC Again

Liberty Flames at Arkansas Razorbacks

This will be a full-on attack on Liberty. 

Florida State Seminoles at Miami Hurricanes 

It just means less. 

COLLEGE TOWN BARBECUE RANKED

Look at this abomination. It is a list by @BigGameBoomer of the ‘Best’ barbecue restaurant in every Power 5 college town. It lists Sonny’s Barbecue as the best in Gainesville, FL.

You will get better barbecue in Gainesville at:

  1. Leonardo’s 706, which is Italian food and which closed in 2020. 
  2. Mama Lo’s, which is soul food, and it closed in 1995. 
  3. Burrito Brothers, which serves burritos and which closed in 2017. 
  4. Just put a pork butt in foil on the hood of your car, park it next to Florida Field, and wait 12 hours and you will have better barbecue than Sonny’s. 

Read this list. Shake your head in disgust at these unworthy, sauce-based, oven-baked,  Sysco pre-packaged pork-buying, dry brisket serving, chicken microwaving, smoked meat fruads. Please submit corrections. Also, Dreamland sucks, too. 

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL

Packers at Lions 

The Lions have the worst defense in the NFL and  just fired the DB coach, which will obviously fix everything.  At least Detroit is a nicer place to live than Green Bay. 

Rams at Buccaneers 

Earlier this year, 2022, these teams played to go to the Super Bowl. With a win, neither team will be above .500 halfway through the season. 

WORST RAMS SEASONS RANKED

  1. 2009 1-15
  2. 1962 1-12
  3. 1937 1-10 (played as Cleveland Rams)

WORST BUCCANEERS SEASONS RANKED

  1. 1976, 0-14 (the Spurrier year)
  2. 1977, 2-14 (the Randy Hedberg year)
  3. 1983, 1985, 1986, 2014, 2-14 (includes the years they drafted Steve Young, Vinny Testaverde and Bo Jackson)

Advantage Rams. 

TOP 5 THINGS TO DO IN LA RANKED

  • Glisten in the sun
  • Sell Illicit Experiences
  • Buy a house on a fault line
  • Hike up a burning mountain and slide down the muddy side
  • People-watch for sketchy life choices on the Sunset Strip

TOP 5 THINGS TO DO IN TAMPA RANKED

  1. Shower in the humidity
  2. Sell Illicit Animals
  3. Buy a house in a flood zone
  4. Hike down a sink hole and climb out the snake-y side
  5. People-watch for sketchy life choices on Nebraska Avenue

Advantage- Push. 

Chargers at First Place Falcons

FALCONS RANKED

  1. Peregrine
  2. Gyrflacon
  3. American Kestrel
  4. Prairie Faclon
  5. Boobie Clark

CHARGERS RANKED

  1. Anker PowerCore Essential 20000
  2. Xiaomi 10000mAh Redmi Power Bank
  3. Mophie Powerstation with PD
  4. Apple MagSafe Battery Pack
  5. Marion Butts

THE MOST FAMOUS QBs RANKED  (Current)

  1. Tom Brady
  2. Aaron Rodgers 
  3. Dak Prescott 
  4. Russell Wilson
  5. Patrick Mahomes

HIGHEST PAID QBs RANKED (Current)

  1. Aaron Rodgers 
  2. Russell Wilson
  3. Kyler Murray
  4. Deshaun Watson
  5. Mahomes
  6. Josh Allen
  7. Derek Carr
  8. Matt Stafford
  9. Dak Prescott
  10. Kirk Cousins
  11. Jared Goff

MOST SUCCESSFUL QBs BY PASSER RATING RANKED (Current)

  1. Tua
  2. Mahomes
  3. Geno Smith
  4. Josh Allen 
  5. Jalen Hurts

Do those last three lists help or hurt Lamar Jackson’s contract negotiations? 

BEST QUARTERBACKS OVER 40 YEARS OLD RANKED (All Time)

  1. Warren Moon 
  2. Brady
  3. Earl Morrall
  4. Steve DeBerg
  5. Vinny Testaverde

BEST QBs IF YOU HAVE TO WIN ONE GAME (current)

  1. Mahomes 
  2. Cooper Rush
  3. PJ Walker
  4. Josh Allen
  5. Taylor Heinicke

BEST QBs IF YOU HAVE TO DROP HIM ON A RANDOM TEAM AND WIN ONE GAME (All Time)

  1. Marino
  2. Moon
  3. Otto Graham
  4. Johnny Unitas
  5. Elway
  6. Steve Young
  7. Mahomes
  8. Namath
  9. Montana
  10. Favre
  11. Manning, Peyton
  12. Brady
  13. Lamar Jackson
  14. Ryan Fitzpatrick
  15. Frank Reich

NFL ALL TIME BEST PLAYERS

  1. Lawrence Taylor- unholy terror
  2. Reggie White- holy terror
  3. Jerry Rice – perfect
  4. Jim Brown- a tiger running through a flock of gophers
  5. Walter Payton- If the incredible Hulk was as graceful as a balerina
  6. Randy Moss- you could cover him with 11 defenders and he was still open
  7. Bo Jackson- If Walter Payton, or Hulk, was heavier, stronger, faster and meaner
  8. Ed Reed- Smarter than Manning, Brady, Belichick and everyone else 
  9. Jim Thorpe- If Bo Jackson was born in 1887
  10. Dan Marino- They changed the rules so everyone else could catch up and it took everyone else 40 years to do it. 

NFL ALL TIME WORST PLAYERS

  1. Galen Hall, Aged QB, NY Jets
  2. Tim Tebow, QB Who Can’t Throw, NY Jets
  3. Richard Todd, Incompetent QB, NY Jets 
  4. Joe Klecko, Overweight, Slow DT, NY Jets
  5. James Dearth, Long Snapper , NY Jets
  6. Tim Tebow, TE who couldn’t block or catch, Jacksonville

NFL ALL-TIME WORST COACHES

  1. Adam Gase, NY Jets- 9-23 record, only Freddie Kitchens had a shorter stint among 2019 coaching hires
  2. Rex Ryan, NY Jets – the Butt Fumble Coach! Another great candidate for Auburn!
  3. Rich Kotite, NY Jets- 4-28 record, these were the Jets glory years
  4. Bruce Coslet, NY Jets- led the league in single digit scoring
  5. Lou Holtz, NY Jets – asked Joe Namath to run option from the veer AND made them sing fight songs. Lasted one season.
  6. Urban Meyer, Jacksonville Jaguars- cheated, flirted, kicked a kicker, went 2-11 and was fired before finishing one season.
  7. Nick Saban, Miami Dolphins- Chose Daunte Culpepper, Joey Harrington and Cleo Lemon over Drew Brees. Was sent to the football minor leagues. 

Happy Picking, 

The Commissioner

Leave a comment