October 27, 2022
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Don’t come to my house for Halloween.
First, if you are reading this, you are too old to trick-or-treat so I’m not going to share any of my candy with your lazy, entitled sugar-craving self. I’ll eat it all myself. Go bother Spurrier and his buddies at the Heisman House.
Second, there is no second. Don’t knock. Don’t call. And you can keep those eggs to yourself, too. I’m the Jamie Lee Curtis of the Football Haunted House. I’ve had enough of this Halloween foolishness.
Halloween is about fear. So this week your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, has invited noted friend of the blog and world famous pyscho-babblist Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII, to explain what really scares certain teams and players. You won’t find this level of analysis on ESPN or Fox Sports or even in the Gainesville Sun. No, this is bottom-level stuff reserved for Super Genius’ such as you. You are welcome.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder, XII, circa 1837
THURSDAY PRIME FOOTBALL
Ravens v Bucs
The Commissioner says: We find the corpse of Tom Brady’s career washed up on a rock. It’s the fate of every swashbuckler. The Bucs defense is as stout as a ship’s sail full of cannon ball holes. I fear the Bucs defense just may suck.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Mr. Brady fears strawberries. It’s called fragariaphobia. Look it up.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
Arkansas v Auburn
The Commissioner says: Auburn football is a jack-o-lantern: hollowed-out, carved-up and rotting.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Auburn fears success. Alabama is successful, so Auburn wants to be the opposite of that. Auburn would be better served to have a healthy fear of boosters like Jimmy Rane and a Board of Regents with more than 100 years of experience in “Auburning”.
Syracuse v Notre Dame
The Commissioner says: Syracuse is the toothbrush in the 2022 college football trick-or-treat bag. Notre Dame is the toothpaste and it’s just baking soda and water.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: I will only say the Syracuse football appears to be scared of recruiting athletes. Otherwise, I will refrain from discussing Syracuse football. The “Upstate, Non-Ivy, Hillbilly Private School” is not my area of interest.
Ohio State v Penn State
The Commissioner says: Ohio State has more yard-sized Halloween inflatables from Home Depot than any other school. It’s gaudy, bright, and a sign of the brutal conformity. The definition of “Spectacky”. And… does Penn State ever play on color TVs?
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Ohio State is a Champion in the Low Self Esteem Olympics. They present as fast, intense, and brutal, which is clearly a cover for the shame they feel for being represented by a tree nut.
Miami v UVA
The Commissioner says: The Hurricanes promised they were coming to the party in the best costume ever and showed up instead wearing a hotel bed sheet with two holes cut for eyes. The Cavaliers are so weak they do the trunk-or-treat at the local realtor’s office.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: The Hurricanes have a classic case of Syngenesophobia, the fear of relatives. If you were this terrible at football and your football relatives include sometimes unhinged people like Warren Sapp and Ray Lewis and Najeh Davenport… it’s reasonable.
Georgia v Florida
The Commissioner says: The Halloween party at the nastiest apartment complex where every woman is wearing the inappropriate maid costume and every guy is dressed like the same piece of exaggerated anatomy.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Fear itself is afraid of Jacksonville. I’ll have no further professional comment.
Iowa v Northwestern
The Commissioner says: The offense in this game is the house where they cut the snack size Three Musketeers in half to save money, then eat all the candy before 4:30pm anyway. Then, when the first trick-or-treater arrives, which is always a three-year old in a purple princess costume, Iowa and Northwestern vomit in the bag and ruin everybody’s night.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: You will think I’m kidding, but there is a developing area of research around the Fear of Scoring in athletics. It is called Scorachievemephobia. There is a lot of recent research happening at an institution in Iowa City, IA. It’s fascinating. Their football offense is averaging nearly one full safety’s worth of points per game, and yet, they can turn that into $80 million per year from the Big10. And far from being a fear to avoid, it’s gaining popularity. I’ve been to Iowa City multiple times myself and I always run into coaches from Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, Virginia, Boston College… lot of ACC’s school would gladly continue to fear scoring if they could get $80 million per year from somebody.
Tennessee v Kentucky
The Commissioner says: Bourbon for Halloween! Relax, Vols. It does not matter if you win or lose this game. As long as you don’t choke on the last Milky Way next weekend.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Until recently, both of these schools had a potent fear of swamp reptiles, but, and this took more than 30 years in some cases, they have started to recover. I see nothing but healthy culture and more good choices and outcomes for the Vols and Wildcats.
Ole Miss v Texas A&M
The Commissioner says: To be blunt, Jimbo Fisher should be masquerading as a burglar based on how much money he is currently stealing from A&M. The freshman class is up in smoke. They give up about 420 points a game. The QB plays like he’s going to be the first teenager killed in the slasher movie. Their biggest nightmare is having to play Texas again, someday. Whatever candy they have left in the bag, Lane Kiffin is just the guy to steal it.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: One word. Chrometophobia. The Aggie boosters are scared they may waste their fortunes on barbecued horse meat and hookers, so, for safekeeping, they gave all their money to a genius named Jimbo. I have myself interviewed several Aggies. I was asked to wear knee high black riding boots and jodhpurs for the meetings, which isn’t weird at all. I find the Aggies to be moderate, mature, and not the least bit wackadoodle.
Professional Football
Patriots v Jets
The Commissioner says: Hocus Pocus, I have two quarterbacks and neither you nor their mothers can tell them apart, but neither of them is Tom Brady or even Cam Newton.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Belichick is brilliant as always. He’s using the natural Fear of Twins against his foes. This is a fear discovered and first understood by Dr. Tom Arnold and his research assistant Professor Mel B. In this case, the defensive player’s fear of Twins keeps them from getting close enough to sack the quarterbacks and forces the defenders to drop into passing lanes where they continually intercept passes. The whole idea is a complete failure so far, but Belichick is brilliant to use scientific research this way.
Bills V Packers
The Commissioner says: The corpse of Aaron Rodgers’ career is packed in a crate of stinky cheese, wrapped in ribbons laced with ayahuasca, dropped in a conversion van that’s on the it’s way to a special library where every book is a spiritual guide to everlasting intellectual irrelevance.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: I agree with the Commissioner.
Vikings v Cardinals
The Commissioner says: Unfortunately, Kyler Murray, as an adult, remains short enough to get away with Trick-or-Treating then spending the rest of his evening whining about the fun-size Snickers and killing other digital warriors on Call of Duty.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Gigantasophobia is a real thing. In Kyler’s case, that includes everyone over the age of 7 and it’s this fear that leads to 11% of his passes being batted down at the line of scrimmage. Maybe it’s not so much a fear as a reality. The other 89% of his passes are Hail Mary’s. Baker Mayfield, same thing. Sometimes our irrational fears are true!
Colts v Commanders
The Commissioner says: The Colts QB will wear a Sam Ellinger costume. The Commander’s QB will wear a Tyler Heineke costume. Boo!
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: Even I am scared to watch this game and I have years of advanced training on how to overcome fear. But, I know my limits.
Seahawks v Giants
The Commissioner says: Daniel Jones likes to dress up in provocative costumes and this year he’s as edgy as ever. He’ll be disguised as a Manning brother going to an actuarial conference. Geno Smith has the highest completion percentage of any NFL starting QB this season. He’s going as Superman, as is his right.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: The Giants have developed a fear of losing that is inversely proportional to everyone else’s fear of having to hear about how great the Giants are. I’m concerned for America’s mental health if it were to occur that the Giants and Jets both have winning records in December. The strain on our collective psyche could kill Christmas. We can only hope for a Seahawk Miracle.
Commissioner’s Warning: When there are only 3 games in the late TV window Sunday, you may have to suffer through a commercial. One such commercial is for a substance called Jardiance. It apparently can help you ride a bike and paint the second bedroom and even eat lunch at a pleasant cafe. According to the legal disclaimer, it could also help you lose weight (cool!) and it could kill you!(not cool!). The lesson here: Don’t paint your bedroom on a football weekend.
The Commissioner says: Now, set all your candy bags in a line on the driveway and get off my lawn.
Dr. Blargen VonSchweinsleder XII says: I’ll take a box of Sour Boogers if you have any.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 