October 11, 2022
Good Day Grover Pickers
This is an official post.
The NFL’s quest to protect the remains of Tom Brady was made obvious last Sunday when the Professional NFL Official Referee White Hat Guy In Charge, Jerome Boger, awarded the Bucs a roughing the passer penalty after judging Tom’s Gatorade was not exactly 64.3 degrees during a third quarter commercial break. It’s a clear beverage infraction committed by the Falcons and a fine expression of the NFL motto, “The decaying corpse of Tom Brady’s career must be protected at all costs.”
Your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, does not understand why anyone would want to be a referee for a sports match. Not for football or basketball or hockey or volleyball or log rolling or pickleball. The best officials grew up in homes in which they were the 7th of 9 children and the leading form of communication was loud, self-assured, incompetent screaming. That was not The Commissioner’s experience.
Still, there are twisted women and men who take on this thankless task everyday on fields and courts across America to ensure the sanctity of everything from the Super Bowl to 5-year-old’s t-ball games.
So today we celebrate and learn about the third team on every football field. Let’s take a look at the officials, for they are unlikely to be able to see themselves!
Each year, officials, referees, and vagrants in black nylon pants, gather for The Sports Officiating Summit. This is a real annual event that bills itself as they “World’s Largest Gathering of Braile-Speaking Americans.”
There is an exhibit hall where officials of every stripe can browse the latest whistle technology (the IPhone Whistle App!), meet the new MLB Robots that will call balls and strikes next season, and try on the latest in black-and-white fashion (“Now I’ve got to find shoes to match!”)
Breakout sessions include:
“Why Is Everyone So Angry?”
“What Belichick Can Teach You About the Rules of Football”
“Anybody Know Anybody Else That Wants To Be An Official?”
“Choosing the Best Eyeglass Cleaners In All Seasons”
“Block or Charge: 100 Years of Futility- A Town Hall Meeting”
“Catch or No Catch: How To Cover Your A**”
“Think Fast/Run Fast: A Guide for Tubby Refs”
“New Career Prospects In Sports When the Robots Take Your Job”
“Maybe YOU Don’t Suck: Mental Health Strategies in Modern Officiating”
The Official Officiating Industry Luncheon is described as ‘mega-attended’ and ‘superbly catered’ and all of the napkins are yellow. The audience is composed of “the best and brightest in the world of officiating – at all levels”. It must be a very dimly lit room to see that level of brightness.
On the last evening there is a banquet and one official is awarded the Gold Whistle. As the National Association of Sports Officials website says, The Gold Whistle Award was created in 1988 and today, “Is among the most coveted awards in the world of sports officiating.” The Commissioner checked and this appears to also be the ONLY award in the world of sports officiating. You can see a list of past winners HERE.
The whistle award is crafted by melting actual game whistles donated by Red Cashion, Jerry Markbreit, Gerry Austin, Dick Bavetta, and Joey Crawford. The melted whistle metals are mixed together, poured in a form and cooled. The gold plating includes 4 oz of dirt that Lou Piniella kicked onto Umpire Joe West’s pants.
America has a growing shortage of game officials. That is different from having too many ‘short’ officials. Related, but different. See below.
If you or someone you don’t love would make a great official, send them to this link and put them on a road to unparralled fan and coach abuse.
PLEASE DO NOT refer anyone you would consider ‘short’. The height of referees matters! Look at the guy standing next to your favorite QB and you will immediately know if the calls will go your way or not.
We know this based on research published in the National Library of Medicine’s BMC Psychol online journal in January, 2020 by Dane McCarrick, et.al, a professor at Northumbria University. (special thanks to @edbs for pointing this out).
The research is based on Euro Football, but the idea holds across oceans:
“Overall there was no effect of referee height on fouls awarded. However, there was a main effect of height on yellow cards awarded, with shorter referees issuing more yellow cards. The same effect was found for red cards and penalties, though this was moderated by league. In the lower leagues, more red cards and penalties were awarded by relatively shorter referees, but in the higher leagues more red cards and penalties were awarded by relatively taller referees.”
Here’s hoping you get a tall Referee this week unless you are in a lower league like the Big12, PAC12, or AFC South.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
Ole Miss v Auburn
Referee- Kerwin “Marty” Bowslsby- Donut Chef, Mobile, AL
You often see Marty in a golf cart visiting the various tailgates before SEC games wearing his “I Just Hope Both Teams Have Fun’ t-shirt.
Game Note: If Auburn can hold off firing Bryan Harsin for just 81 more days they can avoid paying him the full $15million buyout. Will they make it?
Oklahoma v Kansas
Referee- Myron Dirtz-Brookingham from Stanley, Texas.- Bench presses 300, Squats 650, all while wearing cowboy boots. Part of the new breed of ‘jacked’ officials. Fellow officials/umpires call him ‘Barbecue’ due to his smokey scent caused by an unfiltered cigarette addiction.
Game Note: Kansas is the ranked team here, #19, but the Jayhawks are also 9 point underdog to a team that scored ZERO points last week in a rivalry game. How are we living in a world where all these things are true and Oklahoma is a loss a way from the lowest point in school history?
Minnesota v Illinois
Referee-‘Little’ Ed Markshopkt- Attorney, Burlington, IA.
Little Ed started officiating arm-wrestling brawls at the Buck ‘n’ Tuck Saloon in Ames, IA in 1981. As a high school referee, he once wrongly ejected Peyton Manning on Senior Night at Isidore Newman for putting baby powder in his whistle. Turns out it was Cooper that did it. Archie loves that story.
Game Note: Brett Bielema’s Fighting Illini can take control of the Big 10 West with a win here, which is like taking control of the Bathroom Attendant Union at the airport.
#5 Michigan v #10 Penn State
Referee-Roy Hanrahattiesburg- Pyramid Marketing Sales, Columbus, OH –
30 years as a college football official. He recently retired from his career as a judge (of tomatoes for Heinz) to start selling “Miracle Mustard” from his garage. He’s dabbled in officiating other sports. That’s how Roy became the first swimming referee to ever wear turf shoes with a black and white striped Speedo on the deck at the Ohio State Swimming Championships.
Game Note: Why do we even rank these Big10 teams in the top 10? It’s just to give us the illusion of a ‘big game’, but it’s merely a plodding puddle of putrid tedium in a large stadium. It’s got all the elegance of tipsy hippo running free at a Paris fashion show.
#3 Alabama v #6 Tennessee
Referee- Nicky Saban- Performance Coach, Hoover, AL-
Grew up the youngest son in a football family. When he was three, his mother gave him a yellow flag for Christmas. That morning, she said to young Nicky, “Your dad wanted you to have this. He can’t be here, again, because he’s coaching in the Weedeater Bowl. He doesn’t think you will be fast enough or smart enough to be in a real football locker room, so he thought you could be a Referee.”
From that day ‘Lil Nicky was intent on becoming the best Bama Official ever. Look closely at his official Referee shirt collar and you will notice the 6 embroidered gold marks on the left side, one for each National Championship he helped Daddy win.
Game Note: This is the Day Vols! Your hopes, your dreams, your tacky clothing… Everything you ever wanted! See you all this Saturday at the Knoxville Flea Market at the Expo Center featuring dealers from across the region selling jewelry, antiques, surplus, clothes, bath & body, crafts and more. Over 250 booths. Free parking available. Also, Saban’s in town if you want to check out the game after.
Unranked LSU v Unranked Florida
Referee- Thomas Earl Petty, American Music Icon, Gainesville, FL
This Referee won’t back down. Never afraid to throw a flag into the great wide open, even if some player is runnin’ down his dream. Famous for tossing coaches from games with his signature line, “Don’t Come Around Here No More.”
Game Note #1:
Game Note #2
James Madison is a ranked FCS team.
LSU and Florida have freshman on their teams who have been in college longer than James Madison has been an FCS team.
James Madison Head Coach Curt Cignetti is paid an estimated $1million per year and he gets to spread just over $1million more on 10 assistant coaches. Meanwhile, LSU’s Brian Kelley and UF’s Billy Napier earn a combined $16million per year and spread $12million among 20 assistant coaches.
This video has been on the internet longer than JMU has been and FCS school:
To repeat, James Madison, a school with 20,000 students and a football stadium that holds 25,000, is ranked. LSU and UF, with combined enrollment of 90,000 students and combined stadium seating for 200,000, are not currently nor foreseeably, ranked.
Geaux Gators.
Mississippi State v Kentucky
Referee- Dan Shostakovich, Laundry Accessory Sales, Virginia Beach, VA-
Dan comes from a divided family. His three uncles, on his dad’s side, and his son, are all football, basketball and bowling officials at various levels. Meanwhile, his wife’s family runs an illicit sports betting operation from a laundromat in Virginia Beach. Shostakovich’s vanity license plate on his Astin Martin Valkyrie AMR Pro reads “TAKTHEUNDR”.
Game Note: The Air Raid is in full force in Starkville, now and there is nothing that banana skin-eating UK QB can do about it. The Bulldogs can’t win the SEC West, but, boy is that Egg Bowl going to be delicious this year.
#20 Utah v #7 USC
Referee- Rock Rockton, retired surf instructor, Laguna Beach, CA-
Calls the fewest penalties in all of FCS. When he does call them, he’s a wizard on the PA. From the 2013 Arizona v Oregon State game, “We got a gnarly holding, dude, on, like, number 70. He just wouldn’t chill. Not cool. First down, buds.”
Game Notes: We only include PAC12 games because, technically, the West Coast is part of college football, but we are just being nice. Bless their hearts.
PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
We have a LOT more information about the NFL referees than we do about the school-boy Refs.
The NFL has not released height information about the NFL officials, so, if you are at a game, maybe you can get an estimate for us?
The Commissioner STRONGLY (thus the bold) recommends this google doc spreadsheet that shows all the penalties called by all the NFL referees from 2018-2021.
And this article from Defector is a must read. It is “How NFL Teams Scout the Refs”.
Turns out, a handful of teams actually practice two minute drill routines based on which umpire will be spotting the ball and how fast or slow that umpire can run.
After you read this article, you may be able to spot which coaching staffs pay the most useful attention to the ‘Third Team on the Field”. Hint: The Patriots know everything and so do the Titans. The Cardinals, Broncos and Cowboys who say things like, “Wait, the wedding is tomorrow? Should I get a tuxedo?”
Here are a few nuggets from the research (not my own).
Jerome Boger and Carl Cheffers are 40% of the Top 10 for most penalties !
This is Jerome Boger
This is Carl Cheffers
Land Clark called the most roughing the passer penalties – 15 – in two of the four seasons listed.
This is Land Clark.
Tony Corrente and Bill Vinovich are 40% of the BOTTOM 10 (fewer penalties). Vinovich called a TOTAL of 6 roughing the passer penalties over 4 seasons!
This is Tony Corrente and Bill Vinovich
Here are this week’s Teams vs. Referee matchups, courtesy of footballzebras.com. These crew descriptions are based on information provided HERE.
Thursday, Oct. 13
Commanders at Bears VS Adrian Hill
Hill is an aerospace software engineer from the U of Buffalo. He’s surrounded by a couple of IT guys, a middle school PE teacher, and an Air Force officer. His crews are consistently in the Top 10 for calling penalties.
Sunday, Oct. 16
49ers at Falcons VS Carl Cheffers
23 years as an official, 15 as a Ref, the sales manager from Cal-Irvine was #1 for most penalties called in 2021. His crew includes a former NFL player, a federal agent, an athletic director and a former air traffic controller. Bunch of nosy busybodies with their flags in everybody’s business.
Patriots at Browns VS Scott Novak
In his fourth season as a Referee and 9th as an official, Novak is a sales manager and one of two University of Phoenix graduates on this crew. This crew includes Umpire Ramon George, a financial underwriter from Lenoir Rhyne College, who is considered the ‘Fittest Umpire’ in the NFL, which is important to understand if you are hurrying to set the ball as time expires.
Jets at Packers VS Clete Blakeman
Blakeman is an attorney from the University of Nebraska. He’s been a Referee for 13 seasons. He consistently calls many fewer penalties than most crews. He’s got an engineer, and insurance guy, a CEO, and a retired teacher on the team. He’s considered by many as the ‘hottest’ Referee.
Jaguars at Colts VS Jerome Boger
In his 17th season as a Referee, the retired insurance underwriter from Morehouse is going to call a lot of penalties. In 2018 and 2019 he led the league in declined penalties. Was recently added to Tom Brady’s Christmas Card list.
Vikings at Dolphins VS Brad Rogers
Jersey #126 is a college professor and one of two graduates from Lubbock Christian on this crew. This crew is Top 10 for penalties called in 2019 and 2021, but fell to 17th in 2020. It’s the inconsistency that gets you. His crew has a probation officer and more sales guys and middle school teachers, plus one agribusinessman from Nebraska Wesleyan.
Bengals at Saints VS Land Clark
This guy. 3rd season as the head Ref, he’s a chief building ‘official’ from Sevier Valley Tech. His team includes a carpenter, a banker, a safety director and an oil and gas man. In his first two seasons, Land Clark’s crew called the third and fourth most penalties of any crew. He is a well-meaning, but misguided menace.
Ravens at Giants VS Clay Martin
This is an interesting crew. There’s Martin, a high school admin from Oklahoma Baptist. Maia Chaka is the Line Judge. She’s the third woman official in NFL history and the first African-American woman. There’s a firefighter, a juvenile detention superintendent, three teachers, a police officer… and this special Easter Egg for a few Grover Pickers… the replay official is a writer/producer from the University of Florida with the last name Matoren.
Buccaneers at Steelers VS Shawn Smith
In his 5th season as a Referee, Smith, a financial guy from Ferris State, has a crew that is almost exclusively from Division 2 colleges- Pittsburg State, Grand Valley, Johnson C. Smith, Cal-Davis, Aquinas (D3) and even NYU, which is the largest university in American WITHOUT a football team.
Panthers at Rams VS Tra Blake
It’s Blake’s first year as a ‘White Hat’. He’s a software quality assurance manager from UCF and his crew includes a rancher, a physical therapist, a plant manager and a two teachers. He worked as an ACC Ref and in the XFL and Alliance of American Football. He beat out guys named Jonah and Don for the Referee job.
Cardinals at Seahawks VS Shawn Hochuli
A nine season veteran in the White Hat, Hochuli is a financial advisor from Claremont U. His umpire is former NFL player Terry Killens. This from the Defector article by Kalyn Kahler:
“Ranked first in penalties per game in two of the last four seasons (‘18 and ‘19). Hochuli’s 20.88 penalties per game in 2018 is the highest season average by any referee in the last four seasons.
“There’s a tendency there, and it’s genetic,” says a former NFL head coach. (Hochuli’s father Ed, who retired after the 2018 season, had the same reputation.)
Bills at Chiefs VS Brad Allen
Allen is a non-profit CEO from Pembroke State University. This crew includes Down Judge Sarah Thomas, the first female official to work a Super Bowl. Here’s a good interview with Sarah Thomas.
Cowboys at Eagles VS John Hussey
The sales rep from Idaho State U leads a team of teachers, a judge, a realtor, and some sales guys. Calls fewer penalties than the average crew. Might be the tallest Referee.
Monday, Oct. 17
Broncos at Chargers VS Ron Torbert
An attorney from Michigan State, Torbert was the Super Bowl Referee last season. He’s considered to be very good. His crew is eclectic, including 6 financial guys paired with a probation officer and a veterinarian, just the sort of guy you trust to influence a billion dollar gambling industry.
This blog post is officially over.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 