October 5, 2022
Good Day Grover Pickers,
I don’t know what you heard, but The Commissioner’s absence the last several weeks was definitely NOT due to an incarceration on charges of impersonating an unaffiliated neurotrauma consultant.
I also continue to deny any involvement in the demise of the Queen or the McRib.
I was not, nor have I ever, been to North Korea, Iran, the North Pole, Salt Lake City, or Starkville. My time in Russia is a classified story you can find in a manilla envelope next to the mustard and catsup at a certain fancy South Florida B&B, but I’m not going to speak on it and it’s not why I was ‘detained’, ‘questioned’, and/or ‘sequestered’ at a Motel 6 in Durango, not that I’m confirming any of that happened.
I did recently eat a pizza with shredded carrots as a topping, but everyone else was doing it, too. I’ll admit it wasn’t bad, and that’s embarrassing.
So, none of those are the reasons The Commissioner may or may not have been in a hoosegow and/or ‘laying low’ for the last several weeks. Look, I’m older than Tom Brady, so The Commissioner also has, “a lot of sh*t going on”.
I will say if the Kansas Jayhawks win this week, well, just know that I returned to write this blog for you and sometimes others have to suffer for the art. I can’t be everywhere all the time.
On to the picks!
James Madison v Arkansas State – GAME OF THE WEEK
Congratulations to Grover Picker ALL ABOUT THE U because he will be paying $0 for his son’s tuition at James Madison University for the next four years!
AND Congratulations to his son, Grover Picker HURRICANE JACK aka Jack Mowrey aka ‘Snappin’ Jack’, who has accepted a four year scholarship to be the official Long Snapper at James Madison!
Jack Mowrey is the #4 rated long snapper in America and also a consistently terrible picker of games.
Here’s what Kohl’s Professional Kicking Camps has to say about “Hurricane Jack”:
“Mowrey is easily one of the best prospects in the 2023 class. He has great size and polished mechanics. His refined mechanics allow him to stay on target with clean rotation and impressive snap times. Mowrey has what it takes to start for any program in the country.”
I assume most of you would kill to stay on target with clean rotation just once today.
Hurricane Jack and All About The U
HURRICANE JACK is also a really good guy.
This season Jack started a fundraiser to honor a childhood friend who died of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma last year. Jack does not do ‘small’. So, of course, his fundraiser has been written about in USA Today and circulated across the internet. Donors make a contribution for every snap Jack makes this season- punts and kicks. He thought he’d raise $1,500. He’s nearly doubled that already.
James Madison is currently 5-0 and ranked in the Top 25 after being an FBS School for less than two months! They are winning, and they have recruited another winner in Grover Picker Jack Mowrey.
If you want to learn more about the fundraiser, click here:
If you want to see Jack play you can watch him on NBC on December 12 in the Blue-Grey All-American Game played at Jerry World in Dallas.
PROFESSIONAL AMATEUR FOOTBALL
Vols vs LSU Tigers in Death Valley in the Daylight
The Volunteers have entered familiar territory if you are of a certain age. It’s October in the SEC, the Vols are undefeated, and every week is harder than the last. Smokey beat Florida, which is a more unfamiliar feeling. Now it’s the LSU Tigers.
I will say out loud what Vol fans are thinking: “Are we good? Could we….? Do you think….? OMG! It’s exciting! But I will not get excited until after the third Saturday in October.”
This week is merely the second Saturday in October, but Big Orange ought to bust up the LSU Irish even if it is in Death Valley.
Vol fans, good luck! And let’s agree to drink about next week next week.
Prediction: Hendon Hooker throws 5 TD passes, 4 of those to Vols, and when the LSU band can’t get on the field at halftime because they refuse to perform in the sunlight, Brian Kelly will entertain the boosters with his Super Bowl Halftime Worthy Dance Moves!
Ole Miss at Ole Arkansas
The Razorbacks and their coach like to drink a good beer and they are good at drinking that beer. They are beer people in all the best ways. American pie, Chevy’s and Fords, an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, followed by discreet moonshining and dirt track racing with a side of illicit gambling. WooooooooPigSuhey!
The Rebels are renowned for their tailgates in the Grove. They fancy themselves as elegant and elevated. Authors and thinkers and Mississippi-level Statesmen. It’s not that the Ole Miss fraternity brothers are afraid to fight, it’s that there are kindergarten classes in Arkansas who could whip them any day. Here’s proof:
Prediction: In the fourth quarter, Ole Miss runs a successful fake punt on 3rd and 21 from their own 2 yard line. On the next play, as Lane Kiffen is adjusting his visor, several of the wealthy WalMart Waltons gather on the Ole Miss sideline and start offering $10 NIL WalMart gift cards to every Rebel player. There is a delay of game and then Rebel QB Jackson Dart, with $12,340 in gift cards stuffed where is thigh pads used to be, declares for the transfer portal and takes a red shirt immediately and leaves the stadium. The Razorbacks win.
TCU v Kansas
How do we know Texas A&M’s secret NIL consortium is ruining college football? Because like most things A&M, it is failing.
This is the weekend ESPN’s College Gameday should be at the Aggies v Tide game, but the Aggies have decided they never want to be on TV again. They lost to App State, ruining Gameday for the Miami game. Last week they got ripped by Mississippi State. Apparently, Aggie money is not good money.
So the ESPN road show is going to Lawrence, Kansas in FOOTBALL season for the first time ever.
Which means Pat McAfee is going to Kansas. Enjoy!
Kansas only has 74 scholarship players out of a possible 85 they could offer. And those scholarships go to 3-star recruits, not 4 or 5 star recruits.
Kansas is 5-0 this season. They won a total of 5 games in the previous 3 seasons combined.
Kansas has won 6 or more games only 14 times in the last 50 years!
Sure, they whip Texas all the time now, and that’s something, but Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Baylor, and Iowa State do that, too.
Prediction: TCU wrecks the Jayhawks. McAfee stages a fight with KU mascot Big Jay, which leads to the arrest of McAfee, Big Jay, and Lee Corso. All three of them watch Alabama beat the ever-loving barbecue sauce out of Texas A&M on the black and white jailhouse TV.
Texas v Oklahoma
A pile of Texas State Fair cotton candy puts up a stronger defense than the Sooners.
This SEC third-tier game is important only as an excuse to review all the new foods offered at this year’s Texas State Fair. Warning: You may need a bottle of Pepto nearby just to read this list. If you think The Commissioner is making any of this, please check his work at Big Tex.
Doh-Muff- “A yeast doughnut battered in Banana Nut Muffin batter and deep fried!!! It’s a doughnut AND a muffin ! THE Doh-Muff is stuffed with Bavarian Cream, and topped with a Pecan Butter Glaze, Fresh Banana’s, and Strawberries.” — Is it really that important for the bananas and strawberries to be fresh?
Deep Fried Country Cookout- “We start with a healthy serving of well-seasoned pulled pork, then mix in a generous amount of herbed goat cheese and house-made special sauce. Our tasty, Texas sized patty is then coated in panko crumbs to give it just the right amount of crunch in every bite. To finish, we place a dollop of coleslaw and potato salad on top of this deep-fried masterpiece, drizzled with sweet & Homemade Jalapeño BBQ sauce, giving you that delicious Texas Tang!” — God bless them, they found a way to work in ‘healthy’ in this description.
Deep Fried Strawberry Shortcake Crunch Roll– “Our crazy delicious Strawberry Shortcake Roll is dipped into our homemade pink waffle batter infused with strawberry purée and fried to perfection. We drizzle the top with cream cheese icing and cover it with our addictive strawberry crunch, consisting of vanilla Oreo cookies, strawberry jello mix, & melted butter. Then we carefully dust the crunch roll with confection sugar and garnish it with a fresh strawberry for the sweetest taste of Texas.” — Most people underestimate how much of a difference ‘carefully’ dusting the confection sugar makes over just randomly splashing sugar all over the other sugars. That’s the kind of detail that makes Texas State Fair food the ‘French Cuisine’ of Texas.
Fat Elvis- “This crazy mouthwatering explosion starts with a blend of creamy peanut butter and strawberry jelly whisked together. We take a warm out of the oven biscuit and spreading a thick coat of peanut butter and jelly onto the biscuit. We layer delicious marshmallow fluff and fire toast it just for a second to give it a golden brown campfire taste. As a thick cut juicy bacon comes off the griddle it finds its home on top of the marshmallow fluff. The fried plantain bananas are coming out of the fryer caramelized and ready to complete this delicious decadent food experience. You’ve never tasted a biscuit like this!!” — This reminds me, Elvis is dead isn’t he?
Deep Fried Honey- “Nature’s perfect sweet treat, as only Texas can imagine. Deep Fried TEXAS Honey. Raw and all natural Texas honey with a crispy wrapper fried to perfection. Experience the caramelized honey with a crunchy wrapper topped with powdered sugar, our own cinnamon sugar concoction.” — If Texas honey is so perfect, why are we having to fry it and add more sugar?
Sorry, stupid question. I withdraw it.
Deep Fried Praline Cheesecake Egg Roll– “Rich and creamy praline cheesecake filling in an egg roll wrapper and deep-fried to golden perfection. Drizzled in our delicious homemade praline sauce , and finished with candied praline pecan crumbles to please even the sweetest tooth!!!” — Feels like an example of well-intended diversity training gone wrong.
Pork Belly Burnt Ends Pizza- “Texapolitan pizza dough is made from 00 flour imported from Italy, kosher salt, fresh yeast, and water. The smoked pork belly burnt ends pizza consists of red sauce, mozzarella, smoked pork belly burnt ends, fresh jalapeños, cotija cheese, and Pit Commander Barbecue Sweet Heat BBQ sauce.” — I already admitted my embarrassment over eating a pizza with shredded carrots on top. This makes me realize how wrong I was to touch that pizza.
Cookies and Cream Mini Donuts On a Stick– “Homemade mini donuts are dipped in a glaze base and then sprinkled with Oreo crumbles. Served on a stick, you can carry these donuts with you wherever you go as you enjoy the rest of your Fair day.” — I’m sure this dessert will in no way affect the Texas State Fair safety record.
Deep Fried Southern Dessert Dumplings– “Actual Pieces of sweet potato and pecan pie (crust and all) combined with morsels of dark chocolate (the twist) are folded into a won ton wrap, deep fried and dusted with powdered sugar. Like any good dumpling we serve them with a special sauce our homemade rum raspberry chipotle dipping sauce.” — I was just thinking I could go for some morsels wrapped in won ton, but only if they use real pie pieces!
Chamoy! Pickle– “Pickle meets candy in a major way with the chamoy stuffed candy pickle. A big, juicy pickle is first wrapped in a fruit roll up. Then, the pickle is stuffed with fruit gushers, coated with chamoy sauce, and sprinkled with tajin.” — This is food for serial killers, or maybe Tom Brady.
Pickle Pizza– “Little Italy meets Big Tex with this classic cheesy pizza covered in pickles.” — This is offensive on every level. Which coach is more likely to think this is good, Hugh Freeze or Jimbo Fisher?
If you read that menu and still want to go to the Texas State Fair, get your tickets here: https://bigtex.com
Prediction: We’re all going to die of something.
UGA v Auburn
The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry.
Prediction: Bulldogs win by 40, Auburn boosters argue the whole drive home over if they should fire Harsin today, or extend his contract with a guarantee for 6 more seasons. It all depends on what Saban’s deal is this week.
Deleware v William and Mary
This is important. It’s a must win for William & Mary if they have any hope of winning the Colonial Athletic Conference this season.
Prediction: Blue Hen WR Kyron Cumby, playing at his third school in 7 seasons as a collegiate athlete, catches the two point conversion in overtime and is immediately accepted into AARP.
Notre Dame v BYU
Without revealing too much, The Commissioner can say that he recently visited BYU during a football game. Unfortunately, the Cougars were on the road that day, but here’s a picture from the BYU student union during a football Saturday.
Y, indeed.
Prediction: Two faith-based universities playing in Sin City. Likely going to 17 overtimes and ending when a fourth-string quarterback fumbles a snap on a two point conversion. The ball is recovered by a walk-on who scampers 82 yards down the sideline toward the other endzone. The whole time, his cleats are untied. A get-back coach who is too close to the field steps on one of the laces and the walk-on trips and fumbles the ball past the 10 yard line where a ragged senior offensive guard, who has now been playing for 6 hours and just rumbled 90 yards in pursuit, picks up the ball, and starts race-walking, slowly, the 90 yards back toward his endzone. At the 39, he doesn’t so much pitch the ball as it merely lifts itself from his arms like a crippled chihuahua leaping from its owner’s purse, and rolls toward a similar colored jersey as the offensive guard’s third-to-last breath leaves his body and he collapses on the sponsor logo. The game has gone on so long, even the ball is exhausted. It spontaneously deflates and the game ends. The Back Judge, the only official still standing, gives each team half a point, resulting in a tie in which Notre Dame does not cover, but BYU does not cash in either. The angles cackle.
Illinois v Iowa
The Illini are favored by 3.5 points and, oddly, 3.5 is also the over/under for all Iowa games.
Prediction: This game likely turns on a safety, and whichever team gets the first safety of the game, will move into first place in the Big10 West. So it’s THAT important. Cory Provus and Jake Butt will be on the broadcast call so it portends as the wackiest 5-3 final score game in college history.
Bama v Texas A&M v Rat Poison
It’s better for college football if A&M rises up and wins this game. That would make the most people happy.
Prediction: Most people will be sad.
PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
Packers v Giants in London
Aaron Rodgers new haircut helps him earn a spot as the new lead singer for the Sex Pistols.
Patriots v Lions
Most of the current Patriots coaches used to coach the Lions. If there is any goodness or hope left on our planet, the Lions will win by 50.
Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened Three (now 14) Years Ago.
Dolphins v Jets
The NY Jets are so revolting we should call that color on their uniforms ‘Pickle Green’, and not the good kind of pickles.
Rams v Cowboys
Even if Dak Prescott does not play, he’ll likely have a better statistical day than Matthew Stafford.
Niners v Panthers
The Panthers offense is the football equivalent of putting dimes in an empty gum-ball machine. They keep calling plays and nothing happens.
Bucs v Falcons
The Commissioner stands by his prediction that the Buccaneers are going to get old suddenly during this season and all will end poorly for everyone involved. There is no on-field evidence to support that position so far, but The Commissioner remains hopeful. I just want Tom Brady to go home so I can root for the Bucs again.
To end, I cannot stress this enough, NEVER gamble on football and NEVER eat a Chamoy Pickle or a Pickle Pizza, and NEVER cheer for a team wearing Pickle Green.
Also, if the Law catches you jaywalking in Moab, it’s 8 days in the hole. Fair warning. Trust The Commissioner on this.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 