Death of a Season

January 5, 2022

Good Day Grover Pickers, 

Before you change the channel to the non-essential TV programs that don’t involve football, a few last notes for the end of Grover Picks Football season. 

Let’s be grateful football games endured through 2021, or as it shall be known to our descendants, “The last 6 months of the second year of 2020”.  

The games survived the regular bouts of human frailty, corruption, soulless corporate greed, and Urban Meyer’s coaching as well as the pandemic, politics, NIL, and even a Group of 5 school qualifying for the playoff. 

It could have been much worse. It could have been 1632. It could have been London. 

As anyone who reads the internet knows, nearly 5,000 souls in London died from a wide range of ailments in 1632. In 2021, Football survived some of the same once-fatal maladies. 

For Instance… 

North Dakota State v Montana State

FCS Championship in Frisco, TX

Cause of Death in 1632: Ague 

Definition: “malaria or fever/shivering illness”

This game is proof that FCS football has become a regional sport and that region is “places where you are most likely to shiver to death watching football.”

BENGALS V BROWNS

Cause of Death in 1632: Plannet 

Definition: “the stars aligned or flowed agin’ ya.” (Seriously. That was a real diagnosis.)

No Burrow- covid

No Mixon- covid

No Baker- shoulder surgery, inability to avoid sacks or throw to Browns’ receivers

Somedays the ‘Planet’ says, “No”. 

FOOTBALL TEAM V GIANTS

Cause of Death in 1632: Tympany

Definition:  “serious swelling or bloating in the digestive tract, which produces a hollow sound when tapped”

There is no more hollow sound in football than the NY Giants and the bloated, swollen ego of Head Coach Joe Judge.

THIS JUST IN… These are ‘True’ facts from the internet! Eastern Michigan has figured out how NIL works and now threatens the college world order! 

Earlier this week Oklahoma freshman starting QB Caleb Williams entered the transfer portal for the sole purpose of ‘gauging his value’. According to former EMU and Pittsburgh Steeler QB Charlie Batch, his value is at least $1 million to live in Yipslanti, MI. I wonder what the Wolverines, in the next town over, will offer? 

BEST ANNOUNCERS- THE THRUSH AWARDS! 

Cause of Death in 1632: Thrush

Definition: “a fungal infection of the mouth”

Jonathon Vilma – The Jim Kelley Award for having no awareness that he’s the dumbest sounding ex-jock on TV. (Could also be the Ray Lewis Award, the Emmitt Smith Award, or the Frank Gifford Award). 

Aquib Talib – explains the game like he’s the smartest guy watching in a Jiffy Lube waiting room. Also, the only announcer to every publicly yank another man’s chain while playing. Legend. 

Eli Manning – “Would you like a chance to make fun of your slightly more successful and famous older brother on national TV each week?” 

Mike Golic, Jr. – WINNER- Color Commentary- for simply understanding how stupid all of this is and then eating mayonnaise. 

Joe Tessitore- WINNER– Play-by-Play- For being the only announcer who can properly breakdown kicks and punts, for having a voice full of gravitas and a brain full of silliness, and for Holey Moley. 

RGIII- Not all that insightful, but he makes up for it with boring. 

Greg McElroy– I don’t like his haircut. 

Beth Mowins – Excellent at the job. Would be a great pairing with Aquib Talib. 

COWBOYS V EAGLES

Cause of Death in 1632: Fistula 

Definition:  DON’T READ THIS ONE. IT’S GROSS AND DISTURBING. “A fistula is an abnormal connection or passageway that connects two organs or vessels that do not usually connect. The most common location for a fistula is around the anus.“

I do not know why this makes me think of Jerry Jones and the Cowboys, but maybe I’ll hire a therapist to explain it to me. 

PACKERS V LIONS 

Cause of Death in 1632: Quinsie

Definition:  “tonsilitis”

Maybe the Packers would prefer if Aaron Rodgers came down with quinsie, the non-leathal kind, a little more often. Maybe just enough to keep him off of Pat McAfee’s show? 

VIKINGS V BEARS

Cause of Death in 1632: Livergrown

Definition:  “enlarged liver due to ingesting too much grog, mead, beer, wine, Zima, White Claw…” 

Nobody will blame a fan of either team for developing Livergrown after watching this season. 

I can see the scene clearly. Seven stocky Vikings carousing in small candle-lit cabin, downing mead and beer from a crafted cattle horn until the serving wench cuts them off when the sun comes up for 10 minutes at 3am. 

Outside, the Coca-Cola polar bear, off the clock, leans against a spruce tree hugging an empty barrel of fruit wine that was full just an hour ago. 

Eventually, the Vikings stumble into the snowy night, saddle up the bears, and man and beast wobble home together, each with a liver the size of Copenhagen. 

The certificate will say they expired due to ‘Livergrown’, but the truth is they were just stuck rooting for the wrong teams. 

PLAYER OF THE YEAR, OR, PLAYERS WHO SCARE OTHER PLAYERS TO DEATH

Cause of Death in 1632: Affrighted

Definition: “scared to death”

Antonio Brown – When Johnny Paycheck sang, “Take This Job and Shove It, I Ain’t Working Here No More” everybody loved it. Maybe AB should have sung more when he left the field last Sunday. Lot of people dream of quitting their job in a blaze of glory. Brown is now their spirit animal. 

San Diego State Punter Matt Araiza became the greatest punter in the history of college football this season. He averaged 51.19 yards per kick. He hit 18 balls that went more than 60 yards, including two that went beyond 80! His best was 86 yards and that’s from the line of scrimmage, not from where his foot hit the ball. He’s the most accomplished and decorated football player in the history of San Diego State, including Marshall Faulk. He’s the MVP of a 12 win team. How did he not get invited to New York for the Heisman ceremony? Probably the scourge of anti-kickerism, which wasn’t lethal in London until 1707 so is not included here.  

Iowa Tight End – any of them. The Hawkeyes play 9 tight ends on every offensive play. All of them will play for the Steelers or Colts at some point. It’s like facing a battalion of extra-slow stormtrooper clones. 

UTSA RB Sincere McCormick was named All-America by the AP and the Football Writers of America. He’s also the Conference USA Player of the Year after rushing for 1,479 yards and 15 touchdowns, leading UTSA to a conference championship and a 12-2 record. That makes him the greatest Roadrunner of all time. Meep! Meep! 

Bailey Zappe, QB, Western Kentucky, led all American football with 5,967 passing yards this fall. 

Lewis Nichols III, RB, Central Michigan, led all American football with 1,848 rushing this fall. 

Tom Brady, QB, Bucs- Leads the NFL in passing yards, touchdowns and birthdays. Housed Antonio Brown for two seasons. Now sells crypto-currency on the side which I assume is money manufactured in his secret vampire lair where he also gets nightly blood transfusions from healthy alien donors flown in fresh from planet bull sh*t.  

WINNER –Taylor Heinicke, QB, Football Team– Was going to class to earn a grad degree in math, MATH!, when he got the call to join the Football Team. Plays like Brett Favre physically, but with Ryan Fitzpatrick’s smarts and erratic success. Threw for 20 touchdowns. Did not die. Good season. 

COLTS V JAGUARS

Cause of Death in 1632: Surfet

Definition:  “excess of … something… such as food, good times, or poor coaching”

This game, #17 for the season, is at least one too many for Jacksonville. 

RAVENS V STEELERS 

Cause of Death in 1632: Flocks

Definition: “congestion as a result of working with/around feathers that infect the lungs”

Do you have a better explanation for the Raven’s this season?  That wheezing sound could also be from the stress of needing the Jaguars to beat the Colts for anything here to matter. 

TITANS V TEXANS 

Cause of Death in 1632: Dropsie 

Definition: “Swelling in the feet, ankles, legs”

Cause of death? That’s an A+ scouting report for a Titan’s running back and a really accurate scouting report for the productivity of Texans receivers. 

COACH OF THE YEAR- COLICK, STONE AND STANGURY AWARDS! 

Cause of Death in 1632: Colick Stone and Strangury

Definition:  “UTI related ailments such as gall stones and related discomfort”

Dabo Swinney – Here just as an honor for his past several years. He won’t be considered for this list again. In the past month alone his team sucked, he admitted he does not like or understand why players want NIL money, and he lost all his coordinators, who most people thought did all the important coaching anyway. It was fun while it lasted, Dabo. 

Mario Cristobal – Made us think Oregon was good at football, then cashed out to go ‘home’ and reinvent the U. Well played. 

Steve Addazio – Got thrown out of his last football game coaching Colorado State. Maybe his best coaching move of the last 5 seasons. 

Lincoln Riley – WINNER Doesn’t have to live in Norman anymore. Got a raise. Found an easier place to recruit. Now surrounded only by beautiful people, sunshine, and all the run-down, check-cashing convenience stores a man could want. 

Brian Kelly – He’s really good with players that had to pass calculus. Image how good he’ll be at LSU where you get an ‘A’ if you can name eight of the first ten numbers after zero. 

Ed Orgeron – Got the money. Got the glory. Got the girls. Most of you would take that. 

Mike Gundy – He can coach at OK State another 20 years if he wants. Organized, adaptable, fits the school, can win his weak conference every year…  Mike Gundy and his mullet are the early 21^st Century Bobby Bowden. Dadgummit. 

Dave Clawson – Won at Wake. Again. It’s like winning the Nobel Prize for Literature using chalk and writing stories on the bottom of Keds sneakers you find in the Muncie, IN landfill. 

Mike Leach– Rebuilt the Mississippi State offense that ran for 821 yards, total, in 12 games, just 155 yards ahead/behind of the next worst team. How long until the mutiny?

Mike Vrabel- Lost the leading NFL rusher, used a former WR as QB, coaches a team that looks like flaming thumbtacks, and will finish first in the AFC. He also looks like he manages the door at a posh nightclub in Minneapolis.

Bill Belichick– Regrettably, still a nominee. Gives the other coaches Strangury. 

Nick Sirianni– Still not sure what team he coaches, but maybe they had a good season? 

Urban Meyer – No coach created more buzz, and less offense, than this guy. 

WINNER– Dan Campbell- The Lions treat every opponent the same way Hell’s Angles might treat a tax attorney from New York who walks into a biker bar in Daytona shouting, “Would you just look at all these handsome Yamaha loving communists! Bartender, set me up a zinfandel near a charging port and let’s start the audits!”

Kevin Kelly, the coach who never punts, completed one year as the head coach at Presbyterian College and resigned. The Blue Hose averaged 517 yards of offense, scored 57 touchdowns, tried 9 onside kicks, attempted zero field goals, and went 29-84 (34%) on fourth down. Too bad the defense sucked. 

Jeff Banks, U Texas assistant coach and ineffective monkey wrangler. When his girlfriend’s monkey bit a trick-or-treater this season, Banks became the only head coach to create a football distraction with the accompanying headline: Texas’ Jeff Banks, Ex-stripper Girlfriend, Sued Over Halloween Monkey Assault. Bravo, coach. 

PATRIOTS V DOLPHINS

Cause of Death in 1632: Jawfain

Definition: “shortened from ‘Jaw fallen’ and known today as lock jaw.”

This is why Belichick can never be considered the greatest pro football coach of all time. For one thing, he doesn’t have enough victories. For another thing, he doesn’t have the right jawline. The greatest coach of all-time must have a firm jaw, locked in a position of power, square like the corner of a brick building. Belichick’s a good coach, but he’s got foam insulation jaw. 

BUCS V PANTHERS

Cause of Death in 1632: Plague

Definition: “It’s the Plague”

Plague? Please. If Tom Brady lived in London in 1632 the local sportswriters, such as William Shakespeare (who died 16 years earlier but is the only sportswriter of the time that I can name),  would pull out their ink stained goose quills and pen, “Forsooth and verily, Tom Brady doesn’t get the plague. He gives it.” 

CHARGERS V RAIDERS 

Cause of Death in 1632 : Rising of the Lights*

Definition: “your lungs fail due to croup, asthma, or pneumonia” 

Prime time. This is essentially a playoff game. Winner lives another week, loser succumbs to ‘the lights’. 

*In 1632 the lungs were referred to as ‘lights’ since there are two of them and they do not weigh very much. I’ll take that on its face as I have never weighed my own lungs, have you? 

THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME

Cause of Death in 1632: Apoplex, aka Meagrom 

Definition: “unconscious from stroke and Migraine”

Imagine being a sportswriter and having to sit in a room full of sportswriters for 16 hours arguing over career details of football players to decide which are worthy to enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame. And, Peter King is there. “Unconscious from stroke or migraine” might be an improved state at the end of that day. 

Here’s the biggest question facing HOF voters this year. There are only three jersey numbers not represented in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

69 

90

97

Two finalists this year could change that list. 

Jared Allen could become the first inductee to wear #69 and Bryant Young would be the first inductee to sport #97. 

#90’s best shot starts in 2024 when Julius Peppers is eligible for induction.

The 2022 enshrinees will be announced in the days before the Super Bowl. There are 15 finalists, and 5 get in. 

Here are the right answers: 

Sam Mills – LB- Dominated the USFL and the NFL  at 5’9” /232 lbs. Made Saints good. 

Zach Thomas – LB- Dominated AFC East, 9 time All-Pro at 5’11”, good neck pads.

Devin Hester- KR- Most successful to ever return kicks, fortunate not to play for Bucs.

Tony Boselli – T- Jaguars are football players, too, and deserve representation.

Willie Anderson – T- Most successful wall since Pink Floyd’s. 

69, 90 and 97 will have to wait. 

Bonus Fact: It’s not a legitimate HOF until Sterling Sharpe and Hines Ward are enshrined. 

FBS National Championship 

GEORGIA V BAMA

Cause of Death in 1632: “Suddenly” 

Definition: Suddenly, it was over. 

Sorry, this one’s not intended as funny. 

In 1897, UGA QB Richard Von Albade Gammon dove into a pile of players during a game against Virginia. He lay motionless after the play. Eventually two doctors on the scene determined he had what we call today a ‘Concussion’, and he wobbled to the sideline. There, a fellow player asked, “Von, you are not going to give up, are you?” 

Von replied, “No, I’ve got too much Georgia grit for that.”

And then Von Gammon collapsed, unconscious, to the ground. He died hours later from his injury. He was 17. 

One month later Georgia Governor William Atkinson had a bill on his desk that outlawed football at any institution in Georgia including UGA and Georgia Tech. 

Public opinion was strongly in favor of the law due to the horror of Von Gammon’s death. Atkinson was inclined to sign the law until he got a letter from Von’s mother, Rosalind. She was sad to lose her son, but explained how two of Von’s friends died while rock climbing and skating, but neither of those sports was outlawed. She wished for football to continue. So, the Governor vetoed the bill. College football continued in Georgia. 

John Madden once said, “If you want to know how a lineman’s doing in a game, go ask his mom. She watches everything he does on the field.” 

Here’s to all the mom’s who send their sons off to football. May your boys all return intact, with expectation and glory met, and at peace with the brutal game.  

Happy Picking, 

The Commissioner