Toddlers Frying A Turkey in the Driveway Bowl

December  16, 2020

Good Day Grover Pickers, 

Welcome to Bowl Season!

Bahamas Bowl – Toledo v Middle Tennessee

This is the BIG ONE! The most prestigious non-playoff bowl game. Game time temp is 80 with lots of sunshine. You leave Toledo or Murfreesboro and head for Atlantis!  It’s a reward beyond the reach of teams like Notre Dame and Ohio State, but for 7-5 Toledo and 6-6 MTSU, it’s paradise. There are no losers here. 

FCS Playoff – James Madison v North Dakota State

The 12-1 Dukes go to Fargo to play the 12-1 Bison. NDSU has won 8 of the last 10 FCS championships. JMU won the title in 2016, and to do that, they had to beat NDSU in the Fargo Dome. The Dukes remain the only road team to ever win a playoff game  in the Fargo Dome. 

The winner this year goes to Frisco, Texas to play for a championship. 

And the MTSU Blue Raiders, a team that lost half its games this season, can watch it all from a beach in Nassau because life is always fair. 

Boca Raton Bowl – App State v Western Kentucky

WKU is in Bowling Green, KY, which is also the home of the Corvette Factory and Museum. This is a chance for the Hilltoppers to see those sleek machines in their more natural habitat on the slightly flooded streets of South Florida. 

App State’s Mountaineers are at a huge disadvantage. The school sits at 3,300 feet in elevation, but this game is played at 13 feet elevation. The lack of altitude will affect performance. Plus, the cut-off overalls are not a chic look in Boca. 

Celebration Bowl – Jackson State v South Carolina State

In which Coach Prime celebrates landing the #1 recruit in America, Travis Hunter, and Travis Hunter celebrates signing over $1million in NIL deals yesterday.

Meanwhile, South Carolina State celebrates doubling the training staff’s budget this year and adding  a box of band aids and 14 Advil to the medical kit they keep in the glove compartment of and English professor’s Kia Soul. 

FCS Playoff  – South Dakota State v Montana State 

South Dakota State HC John Stiegelmeier told reporters, “Montana State has 11 guys that are really, really good.”

Montana State HC Brent Vigen told reporters, “They (SDSU) are a semi-final team based on the way they’ve played this year.” 

All this western style trash talk is ruining college football. Don’t they know that kids see this stuff? I bet when these teams score touchdowns they do all that fancy celebration junk like handing the ball to the side judge. I just want guys who play like they’ve been to Denver at least once. 

Independence Bowl BYU v UAB 

The battle to decide which state, Utah or Alabama, loves America more. 

Covid Bowl 1 – Raiders v Browns 

Due to Covid, The Browns are missing HC Kevin Stefanski and QB Baker Mayfield and backup QB Case Keenum. Bernie Kosar gets the start.

The Raiders are merely missing hope. 

Fake Super Bowl – Patriots v Colts 

In which the Patriots are likely to follow their last game, in which they only threw 3 passes, by throwing 70 times for 900 yards against the Colts,  just because. 

New Orleans Bowl – Louisiana v Marshall 

Grover Picker SUPER GROVER, Paul Grove, a noted Gator fan, will record and rewatch this game 9 times in slow motion in order to study the details in Louisiana’s schemes so he’ll know what to expect from the Gators next season. If you also find yourself doing this, seek help. 

Myrtle Beach Bowl – Tulsa v Old Dominion

If you are playing a bowl game in a place where Hooter’s is considered upscale dining, you might be in Myrtle Beach. 

Toddlers Frying a Turkey in the Driveway Bowl – Jaguars v Texans 

Apple now lets you pass on memories when you die by sharing your iCloud with your kin. Jaguars fans should turn this feature off. 

You never want to kick a man when he’s down, buuuuut… 

Urban Myer is a self actualized buffoon. His hero is Woody Hayes, the neanderthal psychopath Ohio State coach who ended his career in a fit of petulant, entitled rage when he punched an opposing player during a game. Meyer changed it up a bit by adding incompetence, ego, and kicking a player instead of punching a player. 

How big a mess are the Texans? They gave away their best players, then benched their QB until the 20+ allegations of sexual assault are adjudicated, then hired a coach they know won’t be able to coach them to wins. They defeated the Jaguars earlier this season 37-21 for one of their TWO wins. 

And now, THE JAGUARS ARE FAVORED OVER THE TEXANS!

This game is must watch TV. “Tonight, on a very special presentation of NFL Football Follies, the Jaguars and Texans use a bucket of gasoline to extinguish a burning Christmas Tree at the mobile home park.”

Covid Bowl 2 – Football Team at Eagles

The Football Team are missing 17 players due to covid for this game. Ron Rivera does not deserve this stress. He should be allowed to coach somewhere else and allow Daniel Snyder, who this week was accused of interfering in the investigation of his team (the results of which are kept in a secret report), to hire the guy he really wants and needs…. Urban Meyer. 

Covid Bowl 3 – Dolphins v Jets 

The Dolphins have exactly 1 running back available to play. That’s two more than you need to beat the Jets. 

Happy Picking, 
The Commissioner