December 3, 2021
Breaking News: Your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, received last night an encrypted, catsup stained .scrt file from an unnamed source, let’s call him ‘Beano’, with HUGE “news” about this week’s games.
This is a source The Commissioner has cultivated for years, especially since Beano’s alleged ‘death by bacon’. I’ve used sketchy methods, decoder rings from old Frosted Flakes boxes, and a bottle of Jack Daniels left behind a potted orchid next to the statue of Knute Rockne in South Bend. It finally paid off and you, Dear Grover Picker, shall now benefit! You’re welcome.
How does Beano do it? Let’s just say Beano can reach the dead, see the living, and he’s got a magic message board/blog/instagram/fansite/ 1-900 line where he traffics in tips from the omniscient.
Here’s what I know, so now, here’s what YOU know…
Utah v Oregon
Oregon intends to keep Mario Cristobal as coach. To do it, Nike will pay Cristobal $74million a year and make a new line of coaching apparel that features a silhouette of Cristobal dressed as a duck for the new CoachDuck Brand.
Oklahoma State v Baylor
Baylor doesn’t get into heaven. Mike Gundy’s hair will.
Appalachian Staate v Louisiana
Expect Florida backup QB Anthony Richardson to start for Louisiana Saturday. The Gator QB is using an NCAA loophole. He’s signed a personal services NIL deal with new Florida and Still Louisiana Head Coach Billy Napier, so he can play for any team Napier is coaching.
UGA v Bama
UGA has a huge risk here. Several medium-sized agricultural banks financed the last 3 recruit classes. UGA pays the debt service by gambling online, usually on themselves but occasionally on Southern Illinois Women’s Basketball. The Dawgs are all in on themselves for the SEC Championship. If Bama covers, UGA won’t be able to afford next year’s recruits AND they may have to ship several starters out through the portal just to meet payroll.
Also, and this could influence play calling on Saturday, Miss Terri served Nick Saban Cap’n Crunch in a cup without milk yesterday.
Michigan v Iowa
Two Michigan lineman tested positive for “weighing less than 325lbs” early this week, altering the entire Wolverine game plan.
Pitt v Wake
Exclusive: this is a championship game. My sources tell me the winner goes to the Orange Bowl, which remains a ‘major bowl’ in the eyes of all who attend. Since this takes place just 10 miles from The Commissioner’s home, he can hook you up with all the free tickets you need.
Beano’s only interest is the ‘schoolboy game’ as he calls it, but he connected me to another shady guy for to ‘post-graduate’ game. This guy is a gambler who goes by the moniker “Hank, The Greek Ax” on most of the reputable dark web message boards. The Greek Ax is more plugged in than the phone charging kiosk at Gate 27 at Hartsfield.
Bucs v Falcons
Confirmed! Belichick built TWO Tom Brady robotic clones. The one we are watching now is version 3, specially designed in Foxboro to leave the Patriots to test if the creation could work on another team. It does!
Cardinals v Bears
Shocking! It turns out the fine citizens of Chicago prefer quality meats to quality football so nobody on Lake Michigan is all that concerned that the Bears have had exactly one awesome season in the last 70 years.
Viking v Lions
The Lions are actually a farm team for a secret new European League. The ‘players’ you see on those highlights of the Lions losing each week are really different people each week, but they inhabit the same uniforms. There have been 9 different Serbians to inhabit the Jared Goff uniform this season and they all sucked.
Dolphins v Giants
Tua is gonna work out for the Dolphins and will be The One to put an end to Bill Belichick.
Eagles v Jets
The Jets are Satan’s favorite team. Not really a surprise.
Cowboys v Saints
The guys in the desert know something! Expect Taysom Hill to throw 4 picks, including a pick 6 and the Cowboys will pull away late in New Orleans. 4.5/47.5 27-17
Chiefs v Broncos
The Broncos are for sale! There will be speculation for weeks, but those in the know have already selected an ownership group that includes Tim Tebow AND Colin Kapernick!
Bills v Patriots
Steve Belichick is destined to replace his father and will be the one to break Don Shula’s All-Time Coaching Wins record. He will do it without ever combing his hair.
Thanks, Beano.
Thanks Hank ‘The Greek Ax’.
See you on the other side.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 