November 25, 2021
It’s Turkey Eating/Buying Lightbulbs/Coach Firing Season in football. It’s also the end of the college regular season. Let’s get our lives in order and set some things straight.
The First Mistake
The First Mistake Hiring Coaches
You want your AD to hire an offensive genius or a defensive genius.
You want to hire a guy because it’s his time/ he paid his dues.
You want to hire a guy who is from a good ‘coaching tree’/Just coached a directional school with a mascot you cannot name to a one loss season.
You fired the only coach who’s ever really going to care about coaching your team.
The First Mistake Lightbulbs
You think there is a 60w solution and there is absolutely no difference in socket sizes of bulb receptacles.
The First Mistake Turkey
It’s a nice sandwich meat. Believing there is value in any other use- Turkey leg at the fair, Thanksgiving, as a lower-fat substitute for beef and pork- is merely buying into the disappointing promises of The Big Turkey Marketing Ploy.
What You Really Want
What You Really Want– Hiring Coaches
A coach who loves recruiting.
A coach whose wife’s name fits will after the term ‘Miss’, such as “Miss Terri”, “Miss Ruth”, “Miss Bunny”, “Miss Debbie”, “Miss Lizzie”, or “Miss America”.
A coach who is good at managing large groups.
A coach who can delegate.
A coach who will NEVER wear a tie on the sideline, but might wear shorts.
A coach who understands how to hire good coaches who fit a consistent culture.
A coach who commands the respect of 18-24 year-old men who are competitive beyond reason and committed to violence.
A coach who is fit, but does not exhibit outsized deltoids or triceps.
What You Really Want– Light Bulbs
60w fluorescent bulb that fits every socket in your house. Possibly a dimmable 3-way bulb on occasion .
What You Really Want–Turkey
Honey Baked Ham, Ribs, Fried Chicken, Carvel Cake shaped like a Turkey
It’s Not Working If
It’s Not Working If– Hiring Coaches
The coach you hired wants to install ‘his system’ on offense or defense. That’s not a coach. That’s a limited-intellect dictator with no imagination and very little hope for a happy life. This will fail.
It’s Not Working If– Lightbulbs
You are standing in aisle in Home Depot googling “What is a Lumen” and “60w lumen equivalent” or “Intermediate base”.
It’s Not Working If– Turkey
The label on your ‘Turkey’ says it includes more than 6% water or is made of “80% Puppies”.
Rules to Consider
Rules to Consider – Hiring Coaches
If you are comfortable hiring Dan Mullen to coach your offense and Wil Muschamp to coach your defense, you have a chance, but DO NOT PUT THEM IN CHARGE.
If you are comfortable hiring Clemson OC Tony Elliot to run the offense and UT DC Tim Banks to run defense, you are going to do well, but DO NOT PUT THEM IN CHARGE.
If you can find a place for Jackson State HC Deion Sanders and WFT Asst. RB Coach Jennifer King to help lead your team, you will run Saban into retirement and reinvent football.
Rules to Consider – Lightbulbs
You need a bulb that will really listen when you say, “Alexa, turn on the ugly lamp.”
Don’t touch the halogen bulb glass or the oil on your fingers will get heated, ignite, turn your floor based torch light into an actual torch, jump to the blinds, and before you know it, your turkey is burned in the oven.
Rules to Consider – Turkey
There are only four rules/steps for Turkey:
Brine
Bake
Baste
Discard Before Serving
EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES
EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES– Hiring Coaches
Steve Spurrier Exception- He is an offensive coach, but understood to hire outstanding defensive coaches and gave them a purpose that supported the bigger mission- “Go get the ball back ASAP so we can score more points!”
Nick Saban Exception – The combination of his upbringing by loving, but stern, parents, the proximity to the threat of a life in the coal mines, uncommon brain wiring, and the unfettered full-support of the school administration, leads to success. This is not replicable by your team.
EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES– Lightbulbs
Oversized Globe Bulbs, Those weird ‘antique’ bulbs, RGB Color Changing bulbs, candles.
EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES– Turkey
Fried Turkey when properly prepared in the driveway by your most dangerous uncle is OK.
PROOF OF THESE RULES
PROOF OF THESE RULES–Hiring Coaches
Urban Meyer – delegated all decency to Tebow
Tom Hermann- the hottest assistant coach of the year, unsuited to any other job, currently managing a car wash in Fresno.
Mike Leach – Coaches offense. Unaware of other aspects and not the least bit concerned.
Bob Stoops – Got the big picture, coached up the coaches, capable of normal conversation.
Wil Muschamp – great coaching tree, loud voice, no other discernable skills
Pittsburgh Steelers – In the last 51 seasons the Steelers have made the playoffs 30 times and won 6 Super Bowls. They used 3 coaches, each who fit the culture of the organization and was given space and support to succeed. This you can replicate, but you will be lonely, boring and succesful.
PROOF OF THESE RULES– Lightbulbs
Just read this. It will change your life. https://www.tcforensic.com.au/docs/uts/essay1.pdf
PROOF OF THESE RULES– Turkey
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTES
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTES – Hiring Coaches
Deion- May be the life force that resuscitates all HBCU football, not just Jackson State. Doesn’t need your money or your headaches. You need him. You can’t have him.
David Shaw- The Stanford Head Coach, aka, the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football, is the third highest paid coach in college at $9 million- you don’t have enough money or sense to hire him.
Wil Healey- UNC Charlotte , Founder of Club LIT. Builder of Programs, Looks like he’s 14. years old.
Leeman Bennett- Hugh Culverhouse once called him, “My Bear Bryant”. Technically no longer alive, but someone will inquire.
Gerry DiNardo- just needs one more chance!
Jay Gruden- Just don’t give him a University email address or let his brother visit practice.
Butch Davis – May not realize he’s available
Mike Alstott- Your Program is in good hands with Alstott
Earnest Graham – Successful high school coach in Ft. Myers. It’s a more competitive league than the ACC.
Trent Dilfer- QB Gasbag/High School Coach/Elite 11 Founder/Super Bowl Champion/Knows it all and willing to share in the way some people talk about their fantasy team or crypto or Dune.
Phillip Rivers – for any school looking for the best ‘Dadgummit’ guy around
Gary Patterson- Especially if TCU is on your schedule
Charlie Strong- Delts and Biceps may still be too big
Ken Dorsey- Made Cam Newton and Josh Allen into MVP candidates. Pay attention.
Byron Leftwich / Eric Bienemy – Outstanding offensive coordinators who will have NFL opportunities and don’t need to worry about college jobs.
Lincoln Riley- Spurrier-> Stoops-> Riley. If you love the coaching tree argument, send all the money here.
Katie Sowers/Jennifer Welter/Jennifer King/Lori Locust- Tough, organized and ready to lead. Feels like something Dartmouth would do.
Tom Allen- Indiana- A head coach’s head coach. This is the kind of resume that becomes a 20 year legend at a Power 5.
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTES– Lightbulbs
Y- STOP LED Flame Effect Fire Light Bulb, Upgraded 4 Modes Flickering Fire
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTES– Turkey
Burmese Tofu (aka Chickpea Flour Tofu)
Whole Roasted Cauliflower With Turmeric-
Tahini Sauce & Pistachios.
Vegan Lentil Shepherd’s Pie With Parsnip & Potato Mash.
Vegetarian Mapo Tofu.
Sweet Potato & Chickpea Cakes.
Vegan Lasagna With Roasted Vegetables.
Zucchini Verde Enchiladas.
Nutty Veggie Burgers.
Please Don’t Waste Your Money and Time
Please Don’t Waste Your Money and Time– Hiring Coaches
Bill O’Brien- aka Charlie Weiss
Todd Monken UGA offensive coordinator- don’t believe the hype
Manny Diaz- He’s the Oregon coach. There is no reason to leave Oregon.
Dan Lanning UGA Defensive Coordinator- don’t believe the hype
Ed Orgeron – LSU should swipe right and hire him back
Please Don’t Waste Your Money and Time– Lightbulbs
Bulbrite Single 4 Watt Vintage Edison Dimmable Medium. This one is shaped like a glacier for some reason and costs $66.
Turkey
Turkey.
THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL!
Bears v Lions – Perfect time to eat your own Thanksgiving dinner or rearrange all the screws and bolts on your workbench by size, type and color.
Cowboys v Raiders – No bigger turkey than Jerry Jones.
Bills v Saints- watch during commercials of the Egg Bowl.
EGG BOWL
Ole Miss v Mississippi State-
Who doesn’t want to host Lane Kiffin and Mike Leach for after dinner drinks and leftovers?
RIVALRIES
Tobacco Tussle
NC State v UNC Tar Heels.
NC State is the most perennially ‘good’ but ‘fundamentally uninteresting’ team in the Power 5 .
Interstate Love Song
UCF v USF
Someday, maybe, this will be a thing.
Apple Cup
Washington v Washington State
I want an Apple Cup. Not sure what I’d do with it, but I expect it will talk to my watch, my phone, my laptop, my Ipad, my refrigerator, my washer and dryer, my doorbell, my delivery man, my car and also do something useful like hold pencils.
Branson v Walmart
Arkansas v Missouri
Winning team gets a lifetime supply of Slim Jim from WalMart. Loser has to stay in Branson for a week.
Unhinged Fist Fight
Auburn v Alabama
As long as it doesn’t come down to special teams, Bama should win.
Felony Assault Bowl
UGA v Georgia Tech
This should be illegal. It’s like Mike Tyson (UGA) fighting a random bantamweight from Paraguay.
Bedlam, with pistols.
Oklahoma State v Oklahoma
Not only a game with stakes, somehow, for once, it’s the Cowboys that are favored. BTW- you wish your school had a coach as successful as Mike Gundy, or at least a coach with Mike Gundy’s Mullet.
Not the Civil War
Oregon v Oregon State
The classic animal kingdom battle between ducks and beavers. It’s a dam shame either team has to lose.
The Harbaugh Futility Bowl
Ohio State v Michigan
Maybe you lose a billion straight to your rival because your team is never as talented as the other one. Maybe this isn’t really a rivalry anymore.
Battle of the Bands
Southern v Grambling
The Southern University Marching Band is called ‘The Human Jukebox’. Check it out!
GAMES THAT MATTER
All of these games have bowl eligibility on the line.
Gators v Seminoles – UF’s worst season ever was 1979. The Gators won zero games. Lose today to FSU, and 2021 becomes the worst season in Gator history. It’s not that such a cataclysmic event can’t happen, it’s that time will end, the seas will be swallowed into earth’s core and the only thing left will be cockroaches, a couple of ancient Chinese parables, and Betty White.
FAU v MTSU
It’s important to know who will go to the RoofClaim.com bowl
ODU v Charlotte
A must win for a chance to go to Myrtle Beach, a once in a lifetime experience.
Maryland v Rutgers
Reminder- this is a Big10 showdown. Just like Michigan v Ohio State.
THE REPUS BOWL
For those of you who never had to watch the Packers versus the Bucs in the early 80’s, ‘Repus’ is ‘Super’ backwards.
New Mexico State v UMass
Both teams enter 1-10 on the season. One will leave the field as the worst FCS team on earth. Big stakes.
THE WHOLLY INEXPLICABLE POST GRADUATE LEAGUE
Reminder- never bet on NFL games.
Bucs v Colts
Panthers v Dolphins
Patriots v Titans
Jets v Texans
Packers v Rams
Something will happen. It will be unexpected and delightful. It is not possible to predict, even if you are a SuperGenius.
Enjoy Thanksgiving. I hope whatever you have on the table that is not turkey is the best thing you’ve ever eaten!
All That said, especially the turkey jokes… This is the Commissioner’s turkey, double whiskey smoked and still about 2 hours from completion…
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 