November 3, 2021
Gray colored the chilly morning outside the window of the first floor medical office condo. I had a perfect view from the dental hygienist’s chair of the 231 pale red bricks forming a wall of another medical condo just 12 feet away.
I was beginning the 45 minute ritual in which a pleasant lady whose full face I never see and whose name I still don’t know pokes at my teeth and gums, The Commissioner’s teeth and gums, with the latest in sharp, tiny dental tool technology.
The world was in synch. The color, the procedure, the view… and then it burst.
Instead of the usual coffee house singer/songwriter music normally humming softly from the polystyrene ceiling tiles, someone had dialed the computer radio to the Oldies channel featuring 1980’s hair bands.
Now I’m 16 again. Every lyric pulls a different, specific image to consciousness of sunny days, rebellion, and the fist pumping energy of youth. There is joy, interrupted by scratching enamel, and sweet memory, crushed by “The Question” – the question I know is coming. The question I feel bad about always answering in the negative. The one the music made me forget for three minutes and 15 seconds, repeated.
“Have you been flossing?”
No. Still No. Always no.
I silently plead for understanding from the unknown hygienist. I’m just livin’ on a prayer. But don’t you forget about me. Don’t stop believin’. It’s like my teeth keep saying ‘pour some sugar on me’. Then here I go again. It’s not the end of the world as we know it. I feel fine.
As the greatest music of any generation plays on, it occurs to me that we can’t have joyful songs these days.
Here are some of 2020’s top songs: (Admittedly, NOT the best year of any kind)
Death Bed -Powfu featuring Beadadoobee
Emotionally Scarred – Lil Baby
You Should Be Sad- Halsey
circle the drain- Soccer Mommy
Delete Forever- Grimes
People, I’ve been sad- Christine and the Queens
And don’t get me started on Bon Iver.
Here are some of 1986’s top songs: (Admittedly, NOT the best musical year of the 1980s)
Everybody Have Fun Tonight- Wang Chung
Higher Love- Steve Winwood
That’s What Friends Are For- Dionne Warwick, Gladys Knight, Elton John and Stevie Freakin’ Wonder
Party All the Time- Eddie Murphy
Alive and Kicking- Simple Minds
When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going- Billy Ocean
And don’t get me started on “Say You, Say Me” by Lionel Richie.
Maybe that’s why we enjoy football. It brings joy. Maybe our team is good. Maybe the team we hate sucks. Either way, we get the joy. Saturday or Sunday, there are moments we didn’t know would entertain us.
Whatever happens, we can find a way for everybody to have fun tonight. We are all alive and kicking (except for the Jets) until the end of the game and even then, Hawaii might just be kicking off, so don’t worry, be happy.
This week’s slate of games is perfectly described within the lyrics of the classic 80’s song I rediscovered while nameless/faceless hygienist was polishing my lower teeth. In between “Rinse”, “Close down”, “This is our new laser knife”, “Oops, sorry” and “None of the blood got on your shirt”, there was this….
Poison’s “Don‘t Need Nothin’ But a Good Time”.
It’s a cool guitar riff, simple lyrics, and a fun time. You could never write that song today. But you can still play football by it (and have your teeth cleaned).
Wooh Mmm, yeah
HahahahaWooh,
yah Wooh,
hahaha, yeah
Ole Miss v Liberty
Liberty head coach Hugh Freeze used to be the Ole Miss head coach. However, you can’t use the company phone for your good times, especially if you are calling hookers in Tampa, even if 34% of mis-dialed phone calls to Tampa are likely to reach a hooker and/or exotic dancer or various other ‘Dangerous’ woman.
Now Freeze coaches at a religious school where the president of the university, the son of the founder, was recently fired for- wait for it- hookers! (and blow!)
Freeze returns to Oxford to face his old team, now coached by Mr. Goodtime himself, the ever-tanned, rested and ready Lane Kiffin. Mmmm, yeah! Grab you visor. Party is starting!
Bills v Jaguars
Can you name three songs not performed by Lynyrd Skynyrd more DUUUUUVAAAAAAAAL! than “Don’t Need Nothin’ But a Good Time!”?
#10 Wake Forest v UNC Tar Heels
This is NOT an ACC game. It’s merely a game between two ACC schools who missed playing each other so much they scheduled themselves as non-conference opponents. Hahahaha Wooh! indeed!
… Now Listen
Air Force v Army
Notre Dame v Navy
“Now listen” is the only disciplined lyric in this song or any other song sung by men in makeup, big hair and yoga pants, so it fits the military academies.
… Not a dime, I can’t pay my rent
I can barely make it through the week
Saturday night, I’d like to make my girl
But right now, I can’t make ends meet, no
Arizona State v USC
Both teams started the season ranked, now they are just hoping for an invite to the Cheez-it Bowl.
USC has an interim coach. Arizona State has an entire staff about to get fired for losing and breaking 22% of the NCAA rules on recruiting.
Still, it’s Saturday night in Phoenix, the Mexican food is great and everyone is walking on sunshine.
Dolphins v Texans
Two wins between them. The teams have talked for months about trading Tua for Deshawn Watson, who appears to have had a big Saturday Night Girl problem that made it impossible to find middle ground on the trade.
If this game were an 80’s band it would be Motley Crue- Scandalous and incompetent all around.
Chiefs v Packers
Mahomes can barely make it through the week these days, but Aaron Rodgers didn’t even get that far.
If Green Bay were and 80’s band it would be Motley Crue- Couldn’t get enough shots to hold off all the disease.
… I’m always workin’, slavin’ every day
Gotta get a break from that same old, same old
I need a chance just to get away
If you could hear me think this is what I’d say
Minnesota v Illinois
The Gophers are a running team now relying on a 4th string running back, yet, they are 4 wins from playing in the Big10 Championship Game and coach PJ Fleck just got a contract extension. What is Fleck’s mantra? “Row The Boat”- about as “slavin” an image as you can use these days without getting into too much trouble.
The U v Georgia Tech
Miami finally broke away from the same old same old last week when the last senior on the roster was injured and Manny Diaz was forced to play only freshman and sophomores. That’s how the Hurricanes upset maybe Mighty Pittsburgh after upsetting maybe good NC State.
It finally dawned on Manny that this is professional sports! Seniors who paid dues getting playing time is old thinking. Faster, younger, stronger always wins. Manny found his appetite for destruction.
Steelers v Bears
A chance to get away? Somewhere in America is a Villages or Sun City with just the landing spot for creaky Ben Rothliesberger. The Bears continue to employ head coach Matt Nagy to the frustration of their players and fans. Hey, Chicago, you gotta fight for your right to party.
… Don’t need nothin’ but a good time
How can I resist,
Ain’t lookin’ for nothin’
but a good time
And it don’t get better than this
#7 Oregon v Washington
Nothing says ‘Good Time’ quite like a Pac12 recruiting squabble. This week Washington coach Jimmy Lake said his school does not recruit against Oregon very often, insinuating that the Ducks roster is full of ignorant ruffians and academic flunkies. The Huskies , he says, recruit against the other academic powerhouses like Stanford, Notre Dame, and based on recent UW football performance, UChicago and MIT.
Oregon’s president, Michael Schill, making his most intimidating angry accountant face, countered with a handwritten note, which loosely translated to, “StaY n ur loCkur tIlL i saY u ken GIt OUT pUNk!!!!” Fight the power, Mr. Schill!
Shocking Revelation:
When looking for a good time, you may guess that Oregon would rank as one of America’s top rated schools for marijuana. You are wrong. According to Huffington Post (an underrated name for a sponsor of a pot pole), these are the Top 20 Mary Jane Universities….
1. University of Colorado-Boulder: Boulder, Colo.
2. University of California-Santa Cruz: Santa Cruz, Calif.
3. Eckerd College: St. Petersburg, Fla.
4. Skidmore College: Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
5. Green Mountain College: Killington, V.T.
6. The Evergreen State College: Olympia, Wash.
7. Warren Wilson College: Asheville, N.C.
8. New York University: New York, N.Y.
9. State University of New York-Purchase College: Purchase, N.Y.
10. University of California-Santa Barbara: Santa Barbara, Calif.
11. Bard College: Annadale-on-Hudson, N.Y.
12. West Virginia University: Morgantown, W.V.
13. Lewis & Clark College: Portland, Ore.
14. Colorado College: Colorado Springs, Colo.
15. University of Vermont: Burlington, V.T.
16. Guilford College: Greensboro, N.C.
17. Ithaca College: Ithaca, N.Y.
18. Sarah Lawrence College: Bronxville, N.Y.
19. Grinnell College: Grinelle, Iowa
20. Reed College: Portland, Ore.
Iowa State v Texas
Sure, both teams started the season ranked, now they are just hoping for an invite to the Gildan New Mexico Bowl.
However, this game features the “Monkey Story”. None of the details of this story are confirmed, but that doesn’t matter. This is a column about good times and sometimes the story grows taller on down the line.
In this case, the story alleges that the Texas special teams coach, who used to do the same at Bama, left his wife and kids for a woman known as “The Pole Assassin”. There’s a 50/50 chance they met by a mis-dialed phone call to Tampa. She has a pet monkey that may or may not be a “Emotional Support Pet”.
On Halloween, the couple hosted a haunted maze for the neighbor kids. One of the kids may or may not have snuck into the monkey enclosure where said monkey may or may not have bitten the child. It appears the child is OK, or, at least, there is no formal report of the incident. The same cannot be said for Texas special teams. Party On, Texas!
… They say I spend my money on women and wine
But I couldn’t tell you where I spent last night
I’m really sorry about the shape I’m in
I just like my fun every now-and-then
Atlanta v New Orleans
Gators v Gamecocks
If you have read this far, it’s likely you’ve been to Atlanta, New Orleans, Gainesville, or the Bojangles Chicken next to Williams-Bryce stadium in Columbia.
If so, you’ve heard someone say these exact words to the arresting officer: “I’m really sorry about the shape I’m in. I just like my fun every now and then. I can’t tell you where I spent last night, but I know she took my money.”
Occasionally you may also hear a random, freestyle ‘Don’t taze me, bro!”
… You see I, I raise a toast to all of us
Who are breakin’ our backs every day
If wanting the good life is such a crime
Lord, then, put me away, yeah
Here’s to ya
#1 Georgia vs Missouri
The Tigers visit Athens on Saturday.
Why?
The Bulldogs are in full ‘breakin-backs and toasting victory’ mode. Missouri are just Glass Tiger without the benefit of Bryan Adams.
Conference USA
There are only 5 teams left in Conference USA- UTEP, FIU, Louisiana Tech, Middle Tennessee and Western Kentucky.
But don’t dream it’s over. This week the conference found some new schools that want to share in the good life you always find in places like El Paso and Ruston, LA.
Welcomes to the party Liberty, New Mexico State and moving up from FCS- Sam Houston State and Jacksonville State.
Wow. Beat FSU in Tallahassee one time and you jump straight to the littlest big time conference! Hallelujah!
… Mmh, guitar
Arkansas v Mississippi State
The Bulldogs are #17 in the playoff pole?! The Razorbacks are #1 in the ‘Git Some’ pole.
Bengals v Browns
The Browns self-hate for loving OBJ is over. Sometimes, if you love someone, you have to set them free.
Rams v Titans
There are 5 games this week that are Super Bowl rematches- including Titans v Rams (the others are Panthers v Patriots, Jets v Colts, Broncos v Cowboys, and Packers v Chiefs).
The Rams are Van Halen, adding super star Von Miller just like the most Camaro-influenced band added Sammy Hagar. The Titans, who lost super-human Derrick Henry to injury, are The Police and Sting just went to sing about blue turtles.
… Don’t need nothin’ but a good time
How can I resist?
Ain’t lookin’ for nothin’ but a good time
And it don’t get better than this
#12 Auburn v #13 Texas A&M
#3 Alabama v LSU
#18 Kentucky v The Mighty Vols
Put on your old Zubaz pants and pour a bit of bourbon, because girls and boys just wanna have fun!
… It don’t get better, babe
Colts v Jets
Every rose has its thorn. Fun fact from this game.
I wish you joy this football weekend. I can’t wait. Sweet dreams!
Don’t forget to floss!
Happy picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 