October 13, 2021
Good Day Grover Pickers,
We’ve had a great week of football and other sports, but nothing was better than halftime of the Ohio State v Rutgers game.
The Commissioner has no love for Ohio State football, but the OSU Marching Band is hereby recognized as the Official Grover Picks Greatest Marching Band of All Time for their supreme musicianship, commitment to excellence, and respectful song choice. They have assumed control.
** The rest of this article was read and approved by my own “Mr. Editor”, Adam Schefter, as is accepted practice among us ‘Insiders’.
Alabama v Mississippi State
The Crimson Tide are playing the team that beat the team that just beat Bama. Seriously, how did Alabama fall to #5 in any poll? Is there someone out there who thinks Cincinnati will defeat Alabama on any field? Or Oklahoma? Or Iowa?
Why is The Commissioner, Your Commissioner, having to defend Alabama? I’m happy they lost, but let’s not get carried away. That was a one-off.
Mississippi State (or any random school not named Georgia) can bring Blackbeard and a horde of nasty pirates, plus all those stupid cowbells and the Mississippi National Guard and the Tide is going to hang an NBA All-Star Game score on them.
Great news for Bama this week. Nick Saban cannot type and never sends his own emails. He has a secretary who prints things for him to read and then takes dictation to answer. Whew! Another scandal avoided.
Kentucky v UGA
If Wildcat fans drink enough bourbon, they might convince themselves they can keep it close. Maybe the Wildcat offensive scheme, known in football parlance as, “Chaos, Hope and Prayer Beads” will get lucky.
Or, more likely, the UGA defense, slightly less destructive than 17 angry rhinos in your living room, will do exactly what we expect.
Kirby Smart and Wil Muschamp are two coaches you least suspect of being capable of typing a coherent email, with or without derogatory words.
If the Season Ended Today:
The ACC Championship is Wake Forest v Pitt!
Wake is so good, their best player is Kicker Nick Sciba, the best college kicker in America.
Pitt has a QB. Kenny Pickett was a senior last season, projected as a Day 3 draft pick, and took advantage of covid rules to return to school. Now, he’s completing 72% of his passes, is projected as a Day 2 draft pick, and has one scout saying, “He’s on a Kirk Cousins trajectory.” Yes, THAT Kirk Cousins. Not exactly the second-coming of Marino, but maybe good enough in the ACC.
Still, an ACC Championship of Demon Deacons vs Panthers feels a little like going to First Watch for breakfast and ordering oatmeal and fruit. Then again, the alternative may be Virginia Tech vs NC State and that’s no better.
Michigan and Michigan State
These two teams are a combined 12-0 and neither should be favored over Wake Forest! If the Wolverines beat Northwestern and the Spartans defeat Indiana on Saturday, that sets up an epic Top 10, Big 10 East, Big Noon Saturday, Showdown for the Championship of Michigan for the Right to Get Bored to Death by Iowa in the Big10 Title Game in Fabulous Indianapolis.
Tennessee
The Vols are getting better. Maybe not yet Kentucky better, but we’ll find out soon. Someday there will be many victories, or there won’t be, and Coach Josh Heupel will have to leave for one reason or another. When that happens, will there still be a contingent of Vol fans who want to hire Jon Gruden?
KENT STATE is in first place!
In the MAC, yes, but this remains the losingest program in D1. Not even alum Nick Saban is desperate enough to take this job, but lo, this very day, Kent State is in control of winning the MAC.
The Flashes have one exactly ONE conference championship since the Millard Fillmore administration. That was 1972. Don James was the coach. Don McLean’s “American Pie” was #3 on the Billboard charts and the Price is Right premiered.
Arizona State plays for PAC 12 South Title This Weekend.
The Sun Devils may still earn an asterisk and probation for recruit cheating during the pandemic, but for now, a win over Utah Saturday night all but clinches a spot in the PAC12 Championship Game to face Oregon State or maybe Oregon, or Washington State, or Washington, or Stanford. But definitely not Cal. The way this season is going Wake Forest or Kent State could also be the opponent in the Pac12 Championship.
The Year of the Fan
As we all know from watching hours of insightful coach/player interviews, it is a fan base that fuels the best teams. Each school has its own ‘Greatest Fans in the World’, and the players and coaches play FOR the fans.
A fan’s loyalty, win or tie, is the energy that separates the merely great teams, like Alabama, from the transcendent teams, like Coastal Carolina.
These are college football’s current undefeated teams, and, therefore, the greatest fan bases in all of Sport:
Cincinnati
$MU
Wake Forest
Oklahoma
Oklahoma State
Iowa
UTSA
San Diego State
Coastal Carolina
If your team is not on the list it is because YOU are not an elite fan. Your pom-pom shaking lacks vitality, you are a weak-clapping, soft-voiced, no-tailgating, sedan-driving, RV-hating, no-face-painting, cool jazz-loving, cowbell-denying, flag-furling, cheapskate alumni, whining, loser.
You should be ashamed, but not so much that you can’t appreciate the love, commitment and fervor of the unstoppably rowdy UT-San Antonio Roadrunner fans. We can’t all be that, but we can aspire.
Vandy v South Carolina
Winner does NOT finish LAST in the SEC East. And how did both of these teams get worse than last season? Neither would be favored against Wake Forest!
Kansas City Chiefs
KC is in last place in AFC West and everyone wonders what is wrong with Patrick Mahomes. The problem with Mahomes is that the Chiefs defense gives up 10 points to each opponent on every possession.
Tennessee Titans
The Titans have clinched the AFC South because after 5 weeks the other teams in the division are a combined 2-13 and the Titans still have Derrick Henry.
Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are running away with the NFC East which means the Cowboys must have the greatest fans in all of football. Just ask them.
Oh, the Lions!
The Lions made a game winning two point conversion last week and STILL LOST! The day Detroit wins the Super Bowl will rival the day the Cubs won a World Series or the day the Kardashians shut down their social media accounts.
The Bears?
Two weeks ago they had 70 yards of offense. Sunday they defeated the Raiders, a team that three weeks ago looked like a playoff team.
Not sure what happened there, but I’ll send a private email around and investigate.
Shortcomings: Arizona Cardinals vs. Cleveland
The Cardinals are undefeated AND entertaining. The Browns are merely entertaining. This game features one of the three matchups in modern NFL history with the shortest quarterbacks. The “Shortest” game now happens twice a season when Kyler Murray faces off against Russell Wilson. The “Classic Shortest Matchup” featured the legendary Sonny Jorgensen vs Fran Tarkenton in seasons of yore.
Joregnsen was 5-11, a smidge taller than Kyler Murray and Russell Wilson.
Tarkenton is 6-0, the same reported height as Baker Mayfield.
Tarkenton and Jorgensen faced each other 11 times, first time in 1962, a 31-21 win for Tarkenton’s Vikings. The taller Tarkenton won 6 times against Jorgensen’s teams, with Sonny winning 5 times.
You can insert your own short joke here because if you think I’m going to insult an entire class of people in an email this week you’ll have to wait a few paragraphs.
Jaguars! HA!
Urban Meyer said this week, in addition to “I’m Sorry”, that he expects his team to rush for 250 yards a game and pass for 250 yards a game, for a total of 500 yards in offense. That should be good enough to beat Illinois and Penn State and secure third place in the Big10. Maybe not so much in the Sunday league.
True Story. I once met a guy in a Krystal Burger in Lake City Florida at 2:30am who was so stoned on mushrooms that the only word he could say, and he repeated it for 20 minutes in answer to any question, was, “Shroooooms!”. That guy, the cloudy-brained shrooms guy, had a better understanding of how to coach the Jaguars than Urban Meyer.
(It’s not important why I was at the Lake City Krystal Burger at 2:30am and the story only gets sketcher when you know I arrived there in a ’79 Camaro. I will have no further comment at this time.)
Here are the Most Clueless College Coaches Who Tried to Coach in the NFL:
- Urban Meyer (2021 pre-season)- went winless and worried about it.
2. The Warped Midget Lou Holtz (and there is your insult of an entire class of people in an email. I apologize to short people everywhere for associating Lou Holtz with them.)
Holtz went 3-11 in his one season coaching the Jets, but one victory was over the ’76 Buccanners which barely counts. Holtz tried to get the team to sing a fight song. He had never seen an NFL game in person before he took the field at Shea.
3. Bobby Petrino – went 3-10 and resigned before the season ended.
4. Urban Meyer (2021 regular season)- It’s not that he stayed in Ohio and didn’t fly back to Jacksonville on the team plane after a game, it’s that he decided to return to Jacksonville at all. That is his latest bad decision in a career full of bad decisions.
5. Frank Kush- 11-29-1 with Baltimore. Returned to college where he could yell and assault young men with impunity.
6. Lane Kiffin 16-32 with the Raiders and thought he’d win an argument with Al Davis. Nope.
7. Greg Schiano 11-21 with the Bucs and tried to ‘motivate’ his team to steal a turnover when the opponent was kneeling in victory formation.
8. Bud Wilkinson- 11-21 with the St. Louis Cardinals. Suprised the wishbone failed vs the Steel Curtain.
9. Barry Switzer – won a Super Bowl coaching the Dallas Cowboys and simultaneously eating a hot dog on the bench, during a game. Seems like a boss move until you consider that anyone reading this could have done the exact same thing.
**And, No, you don’t make this list if your original mistake was accepting $5 million to coach Daniel Snyder’s team or if you coached the 1976 Buccaneers.
It’s GENO TIME in Seattle!
Seahawks QB Geno Smith will start in place of Russell Wilson this week and maybe several more weeks. Geno has the chance to be the most successful Geno in modern NFL history. (Marchetti is a tough act to follow). It helps that this Geno has an “e” in his name as it narrows the competiton. Here is a short, but complete and important, list of NFLers named Geno and/or Gino.
Greatest NFL Geno’s with an “E”– (usually short for Eugenio, Ambrogino, Luigino, or Giovani)
Geno Hayes- LB, Bucs, Bears, Jaguars
Geno Atkins- DT, Bengals
Geno Mazzanti- HB, Baltimore Colts
Geno Stone- S, Baltimore Ravens
Geno Auriemma- UCONN Huskies, (Honorary Lifetime Achievement Award via Basketball).
Greatest NFL Gino’s with an “I”
Gino Torretta- QB, The U, Vikings, Seahawks
Gino Marchetti- DE, DT, T, Baltimore Colts
Gino Cappelletti- FL, SE, DB, WR, K, Boston Patriots
Gino Gradkowski, G, Ravens, Falcons, Panthers, Broncos
Keyshawn Was Right.
Why now? Why only leak the Gruden email? Where are the emails between Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder? How abusive was the leadership in Washington to employees and players? How do we follow the money on this one?
Jon Gruden is the son of a coach. He grew up around football, college and pro. He moved up through coaching ranks with one year on George Seifert’s staff in San Francisco, then on staffs led by Mike Holmgren and Ray Rhodes, before being a head coach then working the entire league as the lead voice on Monday Night Football. There is nobody in pro football who doesn’t know, and probably like, Jon Gruden. He is no mystery to hundreds of ‘football guys’.
And yet…
An investigation of sexual harassment at the Washington Redskins has lead to:
-changed the team name-Daniel Snyder removed from day-to-day operations and replaced by his wife
-the WFT Head Trainer is on leave and being investigated by the FBI
-shortly after becoming Raiders coach, Jon Gruden cuts punter Marquette King, a man with a 46 yard average, because he’s, ‘too flamboyant’.
-in September 3 Raiders marketing executives are fired.
-there is a ‘report’ about the Snyder/WFT that the NFL refuses to release to the public that may contain thousands of emails and interview transcripts.
-Giants owner John Mara gets the sportsmanship rule changed to eliminate some forms of trash talk on the filed. It’s a 15 yard penalty if you speak or stare at an opponent in “the wrong way”.
– This Commissioner, The Commissioner, learned that there are many people who believe there is such a thing as ‘private email’.
-Daniel Snyder still owns the Washington Football Team.
-somehow, in the middle of October, a pattern of emails sent over 7 years from a man in his 40’s leaked to the media and the result is Jon Gruden has earned a dismissal as head coach in Las Vegas and been removed from the Ring of Honor in Tampa.
UPDATE: The source of the leak is now reported to be court documents in a case where Daniel Snyder, the original target in all of this, is suing former GM Bruce Allen. To recap- Allen and Gruden are out. Snyder is still in and using the investigation that was aimed at HIM to take out other people.
Who Else?
Jon Gruden isn’t the only guy in power who wants to present as a ‘regular guy’, with no ‘racist blades’ in his body, and is stuck in his 14 year-old brain.
Here’s a careless, unsubstantiated, list of additional football suspects who are likely ill-tempered, inconsiderate, immature bullies in positions of power that are smart enough to present as colorful characters, but when put in stressful situations, are likely to reveal an embarrassing truth common to many Americans which is: “They don’t think they’ll get caught expressing ‘beliefs’ as jokes or passing around semi-nude photos of other employees because all they guys are doing it including the people in charge”:
*The asterisk indicates there has never been any proof made public that this person has questionable personal judgement.
Ed Orgeron
Many College Strength Coaches such as the one at Iowa?
Urban Meyer
Rex Ryan
How Many Coaches on the Bear Bryant Coaching Tree or adjacent to it? (This is my way of saying “Bowden” without saying “Bowden”, father or one of the sons.)
Woody Hayes
Mike Ditka
Vince McMahon
George Steinbrenner
Les Miles
Greg Schiano
*Skip Holtz
Hugh Freeze
*Jim McElwain
Nick Rolovich
Maybe it’s just a list of people with questionable personal judgement who have been elevated to power by others, including all of us, with similarly questionable judgement.
Let’s hope your judgement is better picking games this week!
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 