September 28, 2021
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Put fresh batteries in your remote control. This weekend is going to be fun!
Games of the Week for Opposite Reasons
Bulldogs v Razorbacks
#2 Georgia is and 18 POINT FAVORITE over the Texas State Champions and #8 ranked Arkansas.
In 2013, FSU was a 21 point favorite over Miami in a game between two top 10 teams. That was the largest such spread ever. The Seminoles won 41-14 to cover. I wonder what ever happened to those two teams?
Arkansas is overmatched here in size, speed, talent, birthright, uniforms, band, SAT scores, fruit and vegetable intake, sunlight, mirth, hubcaps, recruiting rankings, and Athens even has a nicer Wal Mart than Fayetteville.
The one advantage the Razorbacks have is that Head Coach Sam Pittman is SOOOO much better at his job than Kirby Smart, plus, UGA having Muschamp in the building can’t be helpful.
Commodores v Huskies
How bad is UCONN? They lost by 10 to Holy Cross. The Huskies are 9-43 in the last 5 seasons. They have an interim head coach after only two weeks of the season.
How bad is Vanderbilt? You mean a team that was down 35-0 with 3 minutes to play in the FIRST QUARTER last week? The team that managed 77 total yards in the entire game last week?
UCONN is saying they have three winnable games coming up- vs. Yale, vs. UMASS and vs. VANDERBILT! And Vanderbilt fans think UCONN has a point! And A POINT may be all the Huskies need.
Save Our Season Games
These are games in which one or both teams MUST win or else the whole point NIL rights, fancy gameday unis, booster tailgates, and academic progress will lead to nothing save for a berth in the Gasparilla Bowl.
UNC v Duke
Tar Heels are like your cousin who got invited to the fancy party and wore their uncle’s hand-me-down polyester suit. They just didn’t know how to act when they got the chance. Duke is out here being Duke.
Clemson v Boston College
BC might be good. A home loss to a team from Boston should end any threat of Clemson being relevant for the next 24 seasons.
Canes v Cavaliers
The Canes are never coming ‘BACK’, but will they ever be consistently better than Virginia, which is just an old can of spray paint in the back of the utility closet that might be useful for a project someday, but will more likely just be thrown away when you move?
Buckeyes v Scarlet Knights
The Big10 version of Arkansas V UGA, except Rutgers has a chance here. An OSU loss is a tremendous boost to humanity and Penn State.
Make Our Season Games
Whichever school wins is guaranteed a season of sunshine and rainbows and the most delightful bowl game. The losers slinks back to a season that feels like living in a dingy one bedroom college apartment overlooking the worst pool in your town.
Cincinnati v Notre Dame
You wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man. Here’s your chance Bearcats, but if you lose, the Big12 is revoking the invitation.
Iowa v Maryland
Maryland is good as far as Maryland goes. Iowa is good in the same way that there must be ‘good’ dental hygienists, but you still don’t want to spend time with them.
UCLA v Arizona State
Two teams, both 3-1. Nobody is sure if either is good or just Pac12 good. Might be a blowout. Could be a nail-biter. If you can’t sleep Saturday night, stay up and watch past midnight. It ought to at least be weird.
Can You Tell The Difference Games?
In which two distinct institutions field separate football teams to play against each other and I, The Commissioner, challenge You, The Grover Picker, to delineate the slightest difference between either squad.
North Dakota State v North Dakota
One are Bison. One are Fighting Hawks. One is 3-0. One is 2-1. Which team won 5 consecutive FCS championships?
FAU v FIU
One is in Boca Raton. One is in Miami. They combine to teach nearly 90,000 enrolled students of which, 28 have gone on to play in an NFL game. (That’s an actual ‘fact’, not a number listed for humor.)
Michigan v Wisconsin
Is the “M” or the “W” inverted on the other team’s uniform?
Wake Forest v Louisville
Everybody here beat FSU, which is a bigger deal for Wake since Wake is the smallest FBS school in D1. FSU has more students, 32,812, than Wake’s stadium has seats, 31,000.
Having recently been to Louisville and Winston Salem, I, The Commissioner, can confirm that while every college campus is ‘beautiful’, these two schools sit amid two of the dumpiest towns American higher education can offer, and both are better than Tallahassee, obviously.
Oklahoma State v Baylor
This is a marquee matchup for the Big12. In Hollywood, this is direct to video.
Oregon State v Washington
The winner of this game will play a rivalry game against Oregon later in the year and the winner of that will play for the Pac12 Championship. Are we going to listen to Herbstreit making a case for the Oregon State Beavers to get into the playoff?
Is This Anything Games
A game in which the headline shouts that it could be interesting, but we all know how it’s going to end.
Crimson Tide v Rebels
The Tide will score a touchdown on every possession and then get yelled at by Saban.
Better to Attend Than To Watch on TV
Auburn v LSU
When they say in the SEC it just means more, this is the game they are talking about. It’s a matchup no other conference can offer. Night at Death Valley with two weird teams with lunatic fan bases, gumbo and liquor.
SEC night games featuring middle-of-the-pack teams are the college football version of a great movie franchise like Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, Die Hard, Rocky, or Air Bud. Each one is a classic and worth your time, even if it isn’t quite to the level of Police Academy.
You’ve Got Better Options Games
Games during which you are better served to reorganize your sock drawer, repair your 8-track player, visit the dental hygienist of your choice, or go through the utility cabinet and throw away old cans of spray paint.
FSU v Syracuse
The Noles will either go 0-5 or try to brag about beating Syracuse. Might as well just lose.
Bengals v Jaguars
Do the Bengals have a head coach?
Tom Brady Subway Commercials
Why are we paying this man to sell bread when he must admit in the commercial that he does not eat bread and certainly does not eat anything that is between the bread. Why are we letting Tom Brady steal more money? I blame Jared.
Game Most Likely to End in a 0-0 Tie
Bears v Lions
The last NFL scoreless tie was November 7, 1943. The Lions and Giants did it.
The Lions have played OK this season and keep losing in gloriously painful ways.
The Bears are terrible and Justin Fields does not make them better. Fields threw for 1 yard last week. ONE! And he played the entire game. He was sacked NINE times. At least the Bears made up for the sad passing attack by gaining 48 TOTAL YARDS on the ground.
In the 1943 0-0 tie, a game suffering for players due to a global war, the Giants completed one pass for 3 yards, triple the output of the Bears last week.
Why You Need The RedZone Channel
The NFL 4pm Window this Sunday is:
Cardinals v Rams
Arguably the two most fun teams to watch in all of football right now.
Seahawks v Niners
A game full of imagination and moon balls, with the inherent zaniness of any Seahawks game.
Ravens v Broncos
Lamar Jackson will entertain you even if you can’t name a single Bronco’s player other than Elway.
Steelers v Packers
In which Aaron Rodgers and the Packers put an end to Ben Rothlisberger, which sounds valiant and bold, but at this point is no tougher than pulling weeds. Somebody tell Ben.
You’ve Been Waiting All Day For…
Buccaneers at Patriots
In which Tom Brady returns to New England, breaks the All-Time Career Passing Yards Record, receives an ovation that may or may not be bigger than the one Gronk gets, and finds out if he’s really that good or if Belichick has always known how to beat him.
And this just in: Author Seth Wickersham is releasing a book about New England which includes reporting that owner Robert Kraft considers his Head Coach, Bill Belichick, “An idiot savant”. I don’t think Belichick rises to that level.
Top 5 NFL Idiot Savants:
Brett Favre
Cam Newton
Terrell Owens
Terry Bradshaw
Ray Lewis
Emmitt Smith
Jim Kelly
Top 5 NFL Idiots
| Weeb Ewbank |
| Charley Winner |
| Ken Shipp |
| Lou Holtz |
| Mike Holovak |
| Walt Michaels |
| Joe Walton |
| Bruce Coslet |
| Pete Carroll |
| Rich Kotite |
| Bill Parcells |
| Al Groh |
| Herman Edwards |
| Eric Mangini |
| Rex Ryan |
| Todd Bowles |
| Adam Gase |
| Robert Saleh |
And this just in: Richard Sherman has joined the Bucs. He and Tom Brady have a longstanding friendly relationship.
Monday is Funday
Raiders v Chargers
Commissioner’s Note: This game coincides with the broadcast of Dancing With the Stars, in which many of the costumes are built by The Commissioner’s sister. You should know this, but under no circumstance should you switch over and watch people dance in rhinestone costumes while there is football on another channel. There are plenty of costumes to see in Las Vegas with just as many rhinestones.
The Raiders and Chargers are fun to watch. It would be more fun if the Manning’s were back on ESPN2 doing their broadcast, but since they are not, can we just put an open mic on Jon Gruden and let him both coach and broadcast the game? I promise it will entertaining.
Here’s one last Idiot For The Road
Mike Norvell
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 