September 7, 2021
Good Day,
There are only 6 impossible scores in pro football:
1-0
2-1
3-1
4-1
5-1
7-1
Every other combination of numbers is possible, although, some are much tougher to achieve. If you doubt the list or are just curious, you can read the details HERE.
And yes, 8-1, 9-1, 10-1, there are many opportunities to score 1 point in an NFL game.
The tracking of NFL scores is called ‘Scorigami’. It was ‘invented’ by a weird genius named Jon Bois. It involves tracking the scores of every NFL game to see if one of the scores that has never been achieved will happen on any given Sunday. ESPN did a fun piece about Scorigami last weekend and I highly recommend you watch it. https://www.espn.com/video/clip/_/id/32153397
And, if you enjoy the weirdness of Jon Bois, you may also enjoy his “History of the Atlanta Falcons”, which is… hilarious and also comes in 7 parts on YouTube. This kind of storytelling may be the future of all media.
THE STATE OF LOUISIANA
Hurricane Ida left real damage that lingers today in Louisiana. But, Louisiana being Louisiana, they made sure to get all the football teams to safety so they could still play the precious games and bring joy to the folks at home.
Except… every D1 team in Louisiana lost on Saturday.
Tulane was the mightiest, but Oklahoma held on.
LSU visited the real “LA” and got glamour thumped by UCLA in pretty blue jerseys.
Northwestern State. Lost.
Southern. Lost.
Nichols. Lost.
Louisiana Tech. Lost.
Louisiana Monroe. Lost.
Louisiana. Lost to Texas and fell out of the Top 25.
Southern Miss was blown out 31-7 by South Alabama (Southern Miss thinks its in Louisiana and we’ll oblige).
Please be kind to Louisiana this week and maybe eat a corn dog in their honor.
THE STATE OF THE BIG12
It may be a great day for UCF, Houston, BYU and Cincinnati who are rumored to earn invitations to the Big 12 this week, which is like earning a post season basketball bid to the NIT.
OTHER THINGS THAT WERE BAD BESIDES LOUISIANA
1. Vanderbilt lost to East Tennessee State. Last week I told you Vanderbilt’s recruiting would be improved by invitations to some of your grandmother’s fellow yoga students. This week you realize that’s not a joke.
2. Brian Kelly’s ‘Execution’ of John McKay’s ‘Execution’ joke. What’s funny here is that all the young people are aghast that he called for the execution of his team and all the old people are like, “That was a great John McKay joke!”. Brian Kelly’s only error is not realizing the basics of joke telling and/or his limits.
The joke requires a setup, as all jokes do, and in this case it is a question from a reporter: “What do you think of your team’s execution coach?” To which McKay replied, “I’m in favor of it.”
There are rumors that Casey Stengel, the baseball manager, also made this joke. Technically, we lack real proof McKay even said the line, but it has been attributed to him so often that it’s now true that he said it.
The original joke, according to Jason Vuic’s The Yucks: Two Years in Tampa with the Losingest Team in NFL History, first appeared in an “1894 newspaper story in The Dalles, Oregon, referring to a young girl learning the piano, and once was a punch line in a 1936 stage performance by the Marx Brothers. In fact, the joke was so popular, and apparently so widespread, that when Groucho Marx asked the audience what it thought of his execution, a dozen people yelled: “We’re in favor of it!”
Brian Kelley is no Groucho Marx. Or John McKay.
3. The State of “The Alliance”
Cal lost to Nevada
Washington lost to Montana
Illinois lost to UT San Antonio
I’m sure it’s because the Cal, Washington and Illinois locker rooms are full of drama and pestilence due to NIL rights.
4. Ohio State– the Buckeyes are better than Minnesota, but the Buckeyes are vulnerable on defense and if you can just stay near the receivers, the new QB will make mistakes. I’m not saying they’ll lose to Michigan, but these guys may be headed to a meaningless New Year’s Day Bowl against some other also-ran like Clemson.
COACHING CAROUSEL
Muschamp to UConn!
THINGS THAT WERE GOOD LAST WEEK
1. Alabama– It’s sure going to be a shame when NIL rights money starts pouring into places like Tuscaloosa and it wrecks the balance of power in college football.
I miss 2007. It was the ‘The Time Before Bama’:
In Week 4- West Virginia, California and Rutgers were in the top 10
In Week 6- South Florida was #5!, just behind Boston College and ahead of South Carolina
In Week 7- South Florida was #2! Kentucky was #8!
In Week 12- Kansas was #2! Missouri was #3! UConn was #20!
By the end of the season, two-loss LSU was ranked #1 just ahead of Georgia, USC, Missouri and Ohio State.
Alabama got as high as #17 in 2007 and ended the season unranked.
They started 2008 ranked #24 and have not finished lower than 10th in a final poll since.
The Tide have finished 1st, as National Champions, six times since 2007.
I miss 2007.
2. Charlotte– the Niners got their first win against a power 5 school, even if it was Duke.
3. Georgia – As they revealed on Ted Lasso season 1, “It’s the hope that kills you.” Enjoy the win, Bulldogs.
4. The Jump Around at Camp Randle.
5. FSU. The Noles are so much more fun when they are terrible. It looks like they are less terrible than recent years. They have two quarterbacks on three sturdy legs and one bionic leg. Their field honors a coaching legend. It would be a heartwarming underdog redemption story, but it’s just the Noles, the Miami Hurricanes of Nowhere North Florida.
On to Week 2!
Cowboys v Bucs
Hello, NFL! Did you know there are 12 players on the Bucs roster older than Jerry Jones?
Pitt v Tennessee – The Johnny Majors Classic
A game that will officially honor Coach Johnny Majors who led Pittsburgh to the 1976 National Championship (with some help from Tony Dorsett) and also coached the Vols for a long time. Majors was twice the SEC MVP as a running back and if it weren’t for the East Coast/Notre Dame bias of the media, he would have won the 1956 Heisman Trophy instead of Paul Hornung (the Irish finished 2-8 that season! Can you imagine? It’s like somebody from Vanderbilt winning in modern times.) Majors did win three SEC titles coaching Tennessee before the advent of the Head Ball Coach in Gainesville. He was fired by the Vols while recovering from heart surgery in 1992 due to palace intrigue and booster interference. Today there is a street named for him in Knoxville. Next season the Vols will visit Pittsburgh. This is the kind of stuff that won’t happen, and won’t mean as much, the more the college game is professionalized. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Ducks v Buckeyes
The Ducks wear green. The Buckeyes wear red. This game will look like a frog in a blender.
Gators V USF
There’s no quarterback controversy in Gainesville. Mostly because this game is played in Tampa. If I understand this correctly, Anthony Richardson changed his number to 15 so he can market himself as “AR-15”, which is also a military rifle. Last week he played quarterback, wide receiver and on the kick off team. This week you can get the official, limited edition AR15 t-shirt Here, Here, Here, Here, Here and several other places on the internet.
OR- you can go directly to https://shopar15apparel.com and buy directly from Anthony Richardson 15 himself. Anthony Richardson 15 will release a new “merch” design for each week of the season. Here is this week’s:
Anthony Richardson 15 is so good, UF already built him a statue at Florida Field
Meanwhile, this is still the starting quarterback for Florida, Emory Jones.
Cyclones v Hawkeyes
The Cy-Hawk Trophy is on the line as Iowa State and Iowa play the most important football game in Iowa since the Lincoln presidency, which is on the level of being the most important statesmen in Myrtle Beach or the “Good Roads Mayor” in Atlanta, or the turtleneck salesmen in Jacksonville.
NC State v Mississippi State
These two schools both contribute important work in the fields of science, technology, space exploration, engineering, and math. Still, I’m going to tell you that the winner of this State School Showdown gets two goats, a milking cow and a used monkey that once flew in orbit.
Michigan v Huskies
The SEC will watch this game and conclude, “Nope. We really don’t need any of those guys in our Superconference.”
Utah v BYU
The Holy War! Soon to be your “Alliance Game of the Week” as the Pac12 faces off against the Big12. This showdown will captivate an entire nation from the Great Salt Lake all the way Park City and as far south as Beaver, UT. I’d suggest the SEC would watch this game and also say, “Nope”, but the SEC is rebuilding a ’79 Camaro out in the garage and won’t be watching.
Patriots v Dolphins
Tua vs his backup’s backup.
Belichick vs his protege.
Winter vs Summer.
Dark vs Light.
It’s Shakespeare played out in the 1pm Sunday window.
Chiefs v Browns
Let this be epic.
Jags v Texans
A game that features two coaches who are likely to finish last and second to last in the coach of the year voting. In the Big12.
Panthers v Jets
The Jets travel to face their previous franchise savior quarterback, the Human Lego Man Sam Darnold, with their newest franchise savior quarterback, 14 year old Mormon supermodel Zach Wilson. Expect an avalanche of mediocrity and memes to follow.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 