September 1, 2021
Good Day Grover Pickers!
Lee Corso made college football predictions last Saturday while sitting between Kirk Herbstreit and Reece Davis on the Gameday set for the first time since 2019.
I’ll give you a moment for the chills to subside as the realization grows on you.
Football games are back!
How ‘back’ is football?
It’s so back that this weekend’s games may determine the unalterable course of Professional Amateur Football in America forever.
This is the weekend a butterfly flaps it’s wings in Texas Stadium and 30 years from now Alabama wins a national title (we gotta get a better butterfly!).
Here’s what we know (and also some ‘Where Are They Now’ trivia!)
Wil Muschamp is already being mentioned as the possible next coach at Nebraska.
UCLA– the most irrelevant famous program in history- played a game in the Rose Bowl- the greatest college venue on earth- in front of 17 fans and 23 corn dog vendors.
Former Florida QB Tim Tebow has already completed his full season with the Jaguars.
The Commissioner has already learned a new pronunciation. It’s “All-corn” State, not “Al-corn” State. I’ll add that to my proper pronunciation lists that includes ‘Xavier’ where the ‘X’ is pronounced as a ‘Z’ and “Clemson” which is properly pronounced ‘ClemPson”, and ‘Saban’, which is properly pronounced, “Relax, jackass, you’re hogging the trophies!”
Former Florida QB Cam Newton has already completed his full season with the Patriots.
WHICH TEAMS ARE GOOD?
Ohio State – Ryan Day has coached so well that few can remember the name of the previous OSU head coach. The Buckeyes have reached the status where nobody outside of Columbus can name any of their players right now, but we all assume they are bigger, faster, stronger and just better than anyone on our favorite team. We can only hope the NIL scandals to come ruin the team chemistry.
Alabama– Even Gerry Faust would win a national title coaching this team.
Georgia or Clemson– Winner this weekend in Charlotte is good. Loser puts their coach on the ‘Hot Seat’. There is no in-between.
Oklahoma– Enjoy being good now. Your team might be better in 2025 and you may still finish third in your half of the SEC. Enjoy the cash.
Former Florida QB Wil Grier has already completed his full season with the Panthers.
Chiefs or Browns– Opening day opponents. Winner will likely go undefeated to the Super Bowl, loser “has work to do to get better every day and glad it’s a long season.”
Green Bay– Aaron Rodgers forced the team to bring WR Randall Cobb back to the roster. How could they possible suck?
Former Florida QB Jeff Driskel has already completed his full season with the Texans.
WHICH TEAMS ARE BAD?
UL Monroe– predicted to finish better than New Mexico State and UConn this season, which is like being better at a ski jumping than Eddie the Eagle.
All Things New Mexico– the Lobos and the Aggies are the college football team equivalent of Bishop Sycamore.
Vanderbilt– The Commissioner visited a Vanderbilt prospect camp this summer to see up close the kind of athletes the Commodores are recruiting. There are better prospects in your grandmother’s yoga class.
Former Florida QBs Kyle Trask, Jacoby Brissett, and Felipe Franks remain rostered in the National Football League.
South Carolina– The Gamecocks just activated a grad assistant who started at North Dakota State last spring to be their opening day starting quarterback. Zeb Noland passed for 721 yards with five touchdowns and six interceptions in seven games with the Bison. Also, the Gamecocks will practice extreme social distancing at Williams Brice this season, not allowing any fans at games until scientist eradicate Covid or Shane Beamer recruits a better quarterback, whichever comes first.
Lions– The New England Patriots of losing.
Buccaneers – Gravity and Time are undefeated. The end is coming.
NY Giants – Fast becoming the New York Jets of the NFC.
Houston– The Texans, particularly Deshaun Watson, are going 0-23 in a 17 game season.
Former Alabama teammates QB Marc Jones, QB Tua Tagovailoa, and QB Jalen Hurts will all start on opening day for their teams.
WHICH TEAMS MATTER
Notre Dame – Good enough to screw up the playoff again. Important enough to screw up realignment.
New England– Did you think Belichick was going to string together two crappy seasons?
Dallas– Did you know the Cowboys were featured on Hard Knocks this season? Probably not because it was the single most boring show on TV since Ken Burns 9 Part documentary, “America’s Dullest Moments”. Boring is out of character for Jerry’s Boys. Is that a sign that Dallas has matured into a contender?
Oregon– If the Ducks fail to go undefeated and make the playoff this year it means the Pac 12 will have to disband. USC could join a new Super Conference, but everybody else will be praying Iowa State and TCU vote to let then join the tattered remains of the Big 12. No pressure
Former Tennessee QB Jarrett Guarantano may, or may not, start for Washington State
Steelers– Pittsburgh has a nasty running back again and nastier defense. They play Cleveland at the end of October and Baltimore at the beginning of December. Go ahead and get the Red Cross on the speed dial, there is brutality afoot.
WHICH TEAMS ARE IRRELEVANT?
Big 12– I’d say schools like Iowa State and Texas Tech might feel like they go ditched at the laundromat on a date night by the cool kids, but schools like Iowa State and Texas Tech already kind of lived at the laundromat to begin with, so maybe they won’t notice.
UCF– This is the fourth most important program in Florida. Unfortunately, fourth is only impressive in the Premiere League Table and Formula 1. Everywhere else it’s just 3 spots away from being useful.
Former Tennessee QB is on season ending injured reserve in Pittsburgh
Cincinnati– (college) Being the best team in the Group of 5 schools is like being a plate of fruit at a pot luck dinner. It’s nice to see you on the table, but nobody is here for fruit.
Sun Belt– If the SEC expanded to include 10 schools in towns that are nicer than Starkville, but not quite as nice as Fayetteville, you’d have the Sun Belt Conference.
NY Jets– Failure wears a green jersey.
Cincinnati- (NFL) A reminder that the name of the Cincinnati Bengals Head Football Coach is still Zac Taylor.
PEOPLE TO WATCH
To fill time in July, ESPN made a list of the top 100 college coaches of all time. Nick Saban was listed as the greatest coach. I disagree, but I can’t argue and neither can you.
Lane Kiffin, who now lives in Oxford, Mississippi, which is about 90 minutes from Memphis and 3 hours from anywhere you’d ever want to be, lost 30 pounds this off season. He used the Ole Miss Booster Meal Replacement Plan which is based on the Richard Petty Diet and switches out grains, proteins, omega oils, and fruits with locally sourced farm-to-table meals built around chewing tobacco, Goody’s Headache Powders, pork rinds, and strawberry vapes.
Grover Picker Hurricane Jack- aka Jack Mowery, a junior at Charlotte’s Ardrey Kell High School, is currently the 3rdranked high school long snapper in America. Follow him on Twitter @JackMowrey1 Here are actual words printed about him on the actual internet: Mowrey is an absolute stud in the 2023 class. He has established himself as one of the best and most consistent snappers in the country. Mowrey recently competed at the Kohl’s National Scholarship Camp and finished with the 2nd highest charting score in the 2023 class and an average snap time of .69 seconds. He is already one of the most refined and consistent snappers in the class and hasn’t even reached his true potential. I can’t wait to see Mowrey continue to develop himself and play this game for a very long time.
Spencer Rattler is a highly touted quarterback at Oklahoma who has his own logo. While there is nothing wrong with the name “Spencer”, please consider which of these quarterbacks you would draft, sight unseen:
“Buck” Rattler
“Cash” Rattler”
Dash” Rattler
“Dallas” Rattler
“Houston” Rattler
“Spencer” Rattler
“Nash” Rattler
“Jax” Rattler
“Axel” Rattler
“Knox” Rattler
“Victor” Rattler
“Stone” Rattler
Former Tennessee Volunteers
“We’d need another 3 hour show to discuss all the players who transferred from Tennessee.” – Reece Davis 8/28/2021.
Kansas, easily the worst D1 Football program in America, had 25 players transfer out of the program in the last 12 months.
Tennessee had 35! Go Vols!
Former Tennessee QB Tee Martin is the wide receivers coach for the Baltimore Ravens, a team that throws exclusively to tight ends.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
Tennessee v Bowling Green – Good or bad, Vol fans will read too much into whatever happens here. Look, if nobody’s boat catches fire this week, then it’s a good week.
Ohio State v Minnesota – Overlook the Gophers at your own peril. Sorry, that should read, Overlook gopher HOLES at your own peril. The football team won’t scare you at all.
Alabama v Miami – Hurricane QB D’Eriq King is already 25 years old, which means he’s guaranteed eligibility next season at BYU.
Iowa v Indiana – A Hoosier win means we’ll have to talk about IU as we ride our 10-speeds around Bloomington.
Texas v Louisiana – Louisiana is ranked just two spots behind the Longhorns. The Ragin’ Cajuns coach, Bill Napier, is an oddball Cajun himself and a disciple of Dabo AND Saban. He’s creating his team as the “Alabama of Lafayette”. Are the Longhorns looking ahead to next week’s first unofficial SEC West showdown with Arkansas. I guarantee The Razorbacks are! Who want’s to see the Longhorns start 0-2?
South Carolina v Eastern Illinois– The Panthers enter the game off a loss to Indiana State in which Eastern Illinois controlled the clock and went 3-3 in the red zone with touchdowns. The school sits on 320 acres in Charleston, Illinois. It will cost you about $25,000 a year to join the 7,415 other students on campus. Roughly 57% of you will graduate for EIU, but of those 57%, more will go on to earn a doctorate degree than graduates from any other college in Illinois. The Eastern Illinois famous alumni list is impressive: Tony Romo, Sean Payton, Mike Shanahan, Jimmy Garoppolo, Burl Ives, Jerry VanDyke, Joan Allen, John Malkovich, Jimmy John (the actual sandwich guy), and Joan Embery.
Meanwhile, South Carolina, a major state university in the Southeastern Conference, is starting a grad assistant from North Dakota at quarterback.
Clemson v UGA– Georgia has better players, a better campus, a better conference, better food, better colors, and better everything. Clemson just has nothing else to live for other than beating Georgia.
LSU v UCLA – The New World Order starts here. If UCLA wins, then Oregon gets a quality win over UCLA later in the season and suddenly the PAC 12 has hope. Especially if LSU gets it together and upsets Texas A&M or Ala—, let’s stick with Texas A&M. If the Tigers win in Pasadena, then hope is surely lost for all of college football. The Super Conference of the Southeast will rise to rule like Vader’s Empire, Beano Cook will roll over in his grave, Lee Corso will weep on Kirk’s shoulder, Michigan will have to join the Ivy League, Notre Dame will become a Women’s Lacrosse school, and the Great Western Rivalries of Yesteryear- USC v UCLA and…. also…. UCLA v USC – will be just another Lafayette v Lehigh.
Ole Miss v Louisville– Feels like the winner should get a free combo dinner from Bojangles. Would pair well with Kiffin’s catfish jerky.
Former Tennessee QB Peyton Manning was recently inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame after winning 202 games in the NFL and never defeating the Florida Gators.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 