January 11, 2021
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Alabama and Ohio State are underway.
So far, OSU’s best running back has gone to the locker room and Bama just scored a touchdown on fourth and goal.
Will that be Bama’s last score of the night?
Now that Bill Belichick has declined to accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, is Saban next in line to reject it?
Does Marshawn Lynch have any skills beyond being Marshawn Lynch? Does he need any other skills? That seems like enough?
Stay tuned. Coach updates to come.
8:38PM
UPDATE:
Where does Ohio State get off scoring a touchdown on Alabama in the first quarter? Are they trying to make us stay up late tonight?
The Ohio State school promotional ad is top notch. I did not realize that OSU has professors that use computers to do research. Groundbreaking stuff!
8:55
Alabama keeps converting fourth downs and will score again soon. The Bama Official TV Commercial is essentially saying, “We have stock pictures of students and computers from OSU and if you come here you can financially support our football team.”
It not only means more, it costs more!
9:07
Bama Fumbles Inside Their Own 30!
The dynasty is over! Bama is dead! The Buckeyes have seized control of the national championship.
Rumors already circulating about Bama Boosters negotating Saban’s buyout!
9:17PM
Nevermind. Bama is back.
9:18PM
Who will coach your favorite irrelevant team next season? The Commissioner has the answer.
Philadelphia Eagles:
Coach They Want: Bill Cowher
Coach That Wants Them: Dan Mullen
Also Consider: Coach K
Who Gets the Job: Mike Shula
Los Angels Chargers:
Coach They Want: Bill Walsh
Coach That Wants Them: Hugh Freeze
Also Consider: Lebron
Who Gets the Job: Urban Meyer
Jacksonville Jaguars:
Coach They Want: Urban Meyer
Coach That Wants Them: Dan Mullen
Also Consider: Galen Hall
Who Gets the Job: Jim Harbaugh
Detroit Lions:
Coach They Want: Wayne Fontes
Coach Who Wants Them: Dan Mullen
Also Consider: Magic Johnson
Who Gets the Job: Steve Sarkisian
Houston Texans:
Coach They Want: Tom Landry
Coach That Wants Them: Hugh Freeze
Also Consider: Bum Phillips
Who Gets The Job: Ted Lasso
Atlanta Falcons:
Coach They Want: Eric Bienemy
Coach That Wants Them: Dan Mullen
Also Consider: Deion Sanders
Who Gets the Job: Dan Mullen
NY Jets:
Coach They Want: Webb Ewbank
Coach That Wants Them: Dan Mullen
Also Consider: A Bag of Mulch
Who Gets the Job: Jerry Jones*
*NFL changes rule to allow one man to own the Cowboys while coaching the Jets. Both teams finish below .500 due to collective bargaining.
Marshall Thundering Heard:
Coach They Want: Byron Leftwich
Coach That Wants Them: Doc Holliday, the coach they just fired
Also Consider: Marshall Dillon
Who Gets the Job: Hugh Freeze
Florida Gators:* (job available when Dan Mullen leaves for ATL Falcons)
Coach They Want: Steve Spurrier
Coach That Wants Them: Muschamp
Also Consider: Random Florida Man
Who Gets the Job: Les Miles
Texas Longhorns:* (job available when Sarkisian goes to Detroit Lions)
Coach They Want: Bill Belichick
Coach That Wants Them: Hugh Freeze
Also Consider: Bill O’Brien
Who Gets the Job: Ramesh Patel
Tennessee Volunteers:* (job opens when Vol Boosters realize their coach is awful and they are NEVER going to beat Bama ever again.)
Coach They Want: Nick Saban
Coach That Wants Them: Hugh Freeze
Also Consider: Derek Mason
Who Gets the Job: Jon Gruden
Alabama Crimson Tide:* (Job available if Saban loses to Ohio State tonight, proving once and for all the college football has passed him by, and forcing boosters to act after 17 consecutive losing minutes.)
Coach They Want: Bear Bryant
Coach That Wants Them: Dabo
Also Consider: Lou Holtz
Who Gets the Job: Booger McFarland
Kent State:* (Job available as far as anyone knows)
Coach They Want: Nick Saban
Coach That Wants Them: Butch Jones
Also Consider: Gwen, the lady who cuts my hair
Who Gets The Job: Nick Saban
9:40PM
If Bama QB was in charge of Covid vaccination distribution, would DeVonta Smith be the most immune human on earth?
9:47PM
Maybe if most of Alabama’s offense opts out at halftime to prepare for the draft then OSU can get within 20 by the end of the game.
OR
Maybe, when the game’s out of hand, Ohio State can take their injured QB out of the game so he can stop risking further injury for no apparent gain.
9:51PM
ESPN2 MegaCast with the NFL Live cast is the best way to watch this game now. Although, Hugh Freeze is live on ESPN News with Gene Chizik and some other dudes. Lots of nice pullovers, and banal coach speak everywhere. Go to ESPN2. Orlovsky, Kimes, Spears, Rutledge and bonus Todd McShay.
9:55PM
Who is the halftime entertainment for this game? I hope it’s Up With People or else 2Chains.
10:00PM
Bama has to punt. The Tide have failed and Saban will never forgive his offense. That is the drive that probably gets Saban fired.
10:28PM
About to find out how good DeVonta Smith is with 9 fingers. UPDATE: Good enough to keep hammering OSU.
10:45PM
For the duration of the next Fansville commercial, Ohio State will be ‘within striking distance’ of Alabama. At the conclusion of the commercial, Alabama will score again and we can all turn our attention to cancelled spring practices.
10:55PM
Fun Fact: ALL of Alabama’s players are eligible to return to college next season. None of them will, but you will hardly notice the difference on the field.
There must be a Law & Order on somewhere by this time of night.
11:25PM
What we are watching is the difference between the third best recruiting school over the past 5 seasons, Ohio State, and the best recruiting school over that time, Alabama. In this case, the difference between 3 and 1 feels like 200 instead of just 2.
Our season has ended. The Buckeyes can’t even get credit for touchdowns. Let’s all go work on closing that gap so we don’t have to watch Bama win, again, just because they have the best players, the best coach and the most committed program.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 