This week we get a couple of cancelled games, two Monday night NFL games (maybe), and the renewal of Pete Axthelm’s Bay of Pigs Rivalry.
AND… Nick Saban got the virus. More on that later
Also, we have the disintegration of a promising Florida Gator season, wrecked by poor tackling, surprising stupidity, and the pernicious virus that has laid more than 20 players low.
The season will continue to be weird and simultaneously glorious in its messiness. And at it’s worst, any football is a thousand times better than watching a debate.
Robots Milking Cows
When I left you last, I was off to watch robots milking cows. These cows live comfortably on a farm. When they feel like being milked, they wander over to a robot that cleans them, milks them, reads them a bedtime story, runs a free credit report, automatically installs updates and then sends a full report to a farmer. Previously the farmer had to milk these cows everday of the year at 2am and 2pm. Now, the farmer works from 8am to 4ish each day and the cows milk themselves an average of 3 times a day instead of 2.
8 of 10 dentists agree these new robots are a leading cause of farm workers having enough time to dominate Tik Tok.
Texas A&M v Mississippi State
If you haven’t been reading the Grover Picks Trash Talk on the Officefootballpool.com website, then you don’t know that TEXAS TOAST begged you all to join him in picking the Aggies over the Gators last week.
None of you joined him and TEXAS TOAST stood alone as the only correct Grover Picker in that game.
Great job, TEXAS TOAST! These are the kinds of small victories you need to add up when your team hasn’t won a National Title in football since 1939!
Clemson v Georgia Tech
The Tigers are still here. They kicked the virus in the teeth. They kicked the U in the teeth. Clemson is just a bunch of wholesome, well-mannered, covid-free teeth kickers. And also champions.
Miami v Pittsburgh
The U is not back and The U is not coming back. The U has left the building. Move on.
West Virginia v Kansas
This summer The Commissioner had a chance to visit the county roads, hiking trails, and rivers of West Virginia. I learned two things. First, every road in West Virginia is a country road leading to someone’s home and they are all delightful. Second, the yellow in the WVU uniforms is the exact same yellow used to paint lines on the country roads in West Virginia. It’s Country Road Yellow. West Virginia, at least around Beckley, has the best traffic paint I’ve ever seen. Bright in the day and night. Easy to see in rain. A joy to drive on and a constant reminder of WVU football. If you need a place to go, I recommend the New River Gorge National Park. It’s easy to get to, easy to hike, and is virtually empty at all times.
Also, Kansas sucks.
Auburn v South Carolina
Because sometimes NyQuil isn’t enough to get you to sleep.
Tennessee v Kentucky
The Vols are not back, but unlike Miami, they may return someday, probably with a new coach. This idiot coach will take you nowhere you want to go. It won’t end well in Knoxville if you put your trust in someone who can’t even dress himself properly unless he wants to look like Olga from Ukraine Going To the Grocery Store!
UCF v Memphis
This used to mean something. I don’t remember exactly what.
Florida v LSU (PPD)
Anything that is not about beating this week’s opponent is a distraction and therefore does not exist in the mind of the best professional football coaches. Exhibit A: Dan Mullen. Exhibit B: Orgeron. Unfortunately, the other thing that does not exist in the mind of LSU defensive coordinator Bo Pellini is any clue how to lineup 7 future NFL players to defend against inferior offensive talent. Keep it up, Tigers!
As for Florida… after Mullen reiterated that the Swamp should welcome 90,000 fans for Saturday’s game, UF has announced 20 new covid cases and suspended football operations for a day.
How’s that for a distraction, Dan?
Maybe if the ‘rona was confirmed to be spread by cutoff jean shorts, trucker hats, terrible facial hair, XXXL tank tops, or white chunky New Balance sneakers, Dan would understand the risk to every Gator fan in The Swamp.
Mullen doesn’t realize his role in this football situation, which is this: Nobody needs Dan Mullen to say dumb things! That’s why Orgeron is here!
UPDATE: Since I typed that, this game has been postponed. The obvious question remains: If all Dan Mullen thinks about is the next opponent but the game is postponed, what does he think about in the interim?
Does he stare at a wall mindlessly humming Dan Fogleberg songs until it’s time to think about the next opponent again?
We could get a cow-milking robot to do that. Maybe we should.
UNC v FSU
FSU is back! As in, back of the class, back of the line, back of the edge of the world, back-to-back losses, backing up, back end of the donkey, back of the house … It says here the Florida State Seminoles best hope is to become the South Carolina of the ACC.
We all know the Tar Heels are overrated, and yet, a win here makes them 4-0 and would qualify them for the Pac12 Championship Game. So maybe they are right where whey should be.
Alabama v Georgia
I actually feel a little bad that neither coach will get any joy out of this game, regardless of the outcome, but all the rest of us, save for the losing team’s fans, will have a great deal of fun celebrating the embarrassing failure of one of these squads.
Now, Nick Saban has tested positive for covid, but he points out he can still coach the team via video. You know, that robot uses a video camera to help milk those cows. I’m not saying Saban is a robot, if he was, he wouldn’t have corona.
I am saying that if a control-freak, robot-like, football-centric, coach who took every precaution to avoid the virus still gets it, and therefore puts others at risk unintentionally, then Dan Mullen should shut-up and get some non-football bye week hobbies such as milking cows.
Bulldog QB Stetson Bennet IV sounds like:
A) a kid who never left Buckhead until he went to Athens
B) a guy with the kind of privilege that is no longer in vogue
C) the guy most likely in 10 years to say on what’s left of the Bulldog Radio Network, “Hey, Jim, I’m here on the sideline with the dancing hologram of UGA XIX…”
NFL
Earlier in the season I pointed out the excitement of watching NFL QBs. Here’s the quote for those who don’t memorize all of these blog posts:
America cannot waste a season of Patrick Mahomes or Lamar Jackson, or Cam’s Second Coming in New England, or Brady in Tampa, or Rivers in Indy, or Angry Aaron in Green Bay, or Danger Russ in Seattle, Kyler Murray in Arizona, or whatever will happen to Baker Mayfield.
Now, I want to point out how right I was! Except about Rivers and I left out Josh Allen, Justin Herbert, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jared Goff, and Teddy Bridgewater!
Find a way to watch more NFL. It’s been terrific fun so far.
Lions at Jaguars
Ok, forget what I just said. Maybe someday this will be a Super Bowl matchup, but you may have to wait through a few more pandemics first.
New Oilers at Old Oilers
The New Oilers fired their coach and GM last week. They are a talented but misguided team. The Old Oilers have played one game since September 27 due to rampant corona virus throughout the organization. If you have any real idea which team should win you are deluding yourself.
Steelers v Browns
This is what a football game looks like. I hope it rains, they install dirt on the artificial surfaces, and every player looks like he wore his uniform while surfing down a mudslide. Also, this game features two teams with outstanding wide receivers capable of doing many things that make you instantly question what planet they came from.
Rams v Niners
Huh? Jimmy Garrapolo did not make my list of QBs to watch. Maybe because he’s a really crappy quarterback? Note to NFL: The Patriot’s backup QB sucks, regardless of who it is and what you think they are capable of! Stop paying for people Belichick is willing to give you!
The Bay of Pigs
Long ago when pre-game shows were merely 30 minutes long, NBC trotted out Pete Axthelm to pick games each week in a very ‘We Are Not Endorsing Gambling But Really We Are” kind of way.
The Bucs and Packers played twice a year and regardless of when they played it seemed like the teams always had a combined 43 losses already that season.
So, Axthelm dubbed it the Bay of Pigs and a certain rumbling, bumbling, stumbling talking pork belly at ESPN borrowed it years later.
I miss the days when there were only two people on TV picking games.
The Bucs and Packers are better now than in the 80s, but both team’s quarterbacks have been playing since the 80’s and may be in their 80s. Maybe you call it the Bay of Ben Gay or Bay of Get Off My Lawn, or Bay at The Villages?
Chiefs at Bills
Mahomes v Allen. Must watch. How come KC runs any play other than Tyreek Hill runs past your defense and Mahomes drops a 60 yard handoff on him for a TD. Seems simple, replicable, and unstoppable.
Kyler Murray v Cowboys
Dak is out, but the Cowboys offense will still be good enough to win games. The defense, on the other hand, is not. Kyler Murray will throw for just 180 yards, run for 180 more, score 5 TDs, dazzle all the way and otherwise look like the ball ricocheting among the frozen foosball style Cowboys. Great fun!
Stay well and Happy Picking, and if you run into Nick Saban, any UF players, or a robot that asks to see your udder… RUN!
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 