September 22, 2020
We, The Grover Pickers, thank the Sun Belt Conference for all they have done for us lo these many days. The directional schools in states we rarely visit played football and it sustained us. These mighty teams, when the entire offensive line wasn’t quarantined, made us all believe in the little guy again. These professional amateurs have served their purpose to us, earned their pay, and now return to aqua turfs and 15,000 seat stadiums from whence they came.
Big Boy Football is Back This Weekend!
And so is Prime Time!
But, Sizzler is bankrupt. Two out of three is pretty good in 2020.
Deion Sanders is the new head football coach at Jackson State. He didn’t even arrive in a limo! He says he intends to increase size of th student body, win SWAC Championships, end crime, create professional football players and “profession-owls”. I hope he does.
WAIT- Deion is denying a rumor that he’s hiring Warren Sapp as a coach at Jackson State!!
WAIT- Deion is denying a rumor that he’s hiring Terrell Owens as a coach at Jackson State!!
Who cares if it’s true? What a great rumor! Maybe he can get Mike Singletary, too. I’m here for Assistant Coach Aquib Talib!
Jackson State is one of the great football HBCUs of all time. Maybe you’ve heard of Walter Payton or Jackie Slater. Oil Can Boyd was a Tiger, too. Maybe… and the answer needs to be, “Yes, I know that guy,” … you’ve heard of former Jackson State sophomore James Meredith.
If you think transferring your athletic eligibility is tough today, think about what Meredith endured to go from Jackson State to Ole Miss and he just wanted to go to class.
Jackson State is an urban university in the state capitol, Jackson, Mississippi. There are roughly 6,000 students on campus in years other than 2020. They pay about $13,000 to attend. The school reports a 37% graduation rate and 69% acceptance rate.
JSU did not make the recent Wall Street Journal Rankings. US News and World Report puts the school at #298-#398.
The Jackson State Band is called “The Sonic Boom of the South”, which is exactly the correct name for your show band if your coach is Deion Sanders.
Once Deion saves Jackson State, he’ll need new challenges. I wonder where he’ll go next and how he would fit into games playing this weekend (covid allowing) …
FSU v Miami
Deion is coach in waiting for the Seminoles, his alma mater. FSU is a tire fire smoldering, with a coach out with Covid and an impossible rebuilding task. This small tire fire shall soon ignite and blaze so bright over the North Florida oaks that you will see it from space! Which is necessary, because have you seen Tallahassee? It’s six circus tents and an Applebees surrounded by 47 billion acres of pine needles, snakes, rabbits and South Georgia. Tallahassee is the Mongolia of America, but less modern.
Enjoy your lunch, Hurricanes! Make it look easy this Saturday, but know this…
Deion is coming home soon and the only question is if he’s bringing Warren Sapp with him to Tallahassee!
Florida v Ole Miss
Ole Miss already has a new wing nut coach and it’s unlikely Deion would accept consecutive jobs in Mississippi. So, what if he followed Dan Mullen to Hogtown when Mullen leaves to coach the New York Jets?
Deion will love Gainesville. It’s a much flashier town than Tallahassee or Jackson. The air smells better, the water tastes cleaner and no school, I say NO SCHOOL, has a better balance for Deion than UF. He’ll have Tebow to mentor his faith and Spurrier to mentor his cocky and confident side. Just imagine what the Deion statue will look like outside of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium next to Wuerffel, Tebow and Spurrier. Glory be!
UGA v Arkansas
Deion Sanders, Head Football Coach, Arkansas Razorbacks! Following in the footsteps of Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Lou Holtz, Deion will own more of the Ozarks than Wal Mart! He can recruit his adopted home of Texas to Fayetteville and he can still recruit the rest of the South. Call the Hogs! Suuwheee! It’s Prime Time for the Razorbacks.
Bama v Mizzou
When one coach leaves, you replace that coach with his opposite. So, goodbye Nick Saban, Hello, Deion Sanders!
Turn your eyes to the goal post before the game. There, under the cross bar leaning casually, but with a bright smile, is Alabama Football Coach Deion Sanders. He’s wearing a 3 piece houndstooth zoot suit and leather shoes to match with a bejeweled crimson top hat. It will remind every old timer in the stands of Bear Bryant, only updated to 2025 fashion. Congratulations, Bama! You’re finally stylish!
Vols v Gamecocks
An epic opener with SEC East 3rd Place on the line. Fourth if Kentucky ever gets its act together.
Expect Will Muschamp to be named the next head coach at Southwest Union Stenography College by next Tuesday.
And who’s coming to lead the Gamecocks?
Deion Sanders! He’s the man to follow in the footsteps of Presidential Medal of Freedom Honoree Lou Holtz, and also Gamecock legends Brad Scott, Sparky Woods, and old Joe Morrison’s carton of cigarettes. The Gamecocks are always underdogs on the football field, but not anymore!
Prime Time in Columbia will drag USC back to the glory days of winning 9 games and beating Clemson every year in baseball. Can you imagine being an 18 year old top 100 football recruit from Irmo and your choice is a dude named Dabo or DEION SANDERS! The Gamecocks might even make it back to Atlanta (for the pre-season game, not the SEC Championship).
Deion Sanders is an undeniable athlete. He’s the most successful two sports star since 1950 not named Bo Jackson. He’s started schools. He’s talked on TV. He’s on the internet now. And Deion will put in the work. He’s unconventional and he’s flashy, but he will inspire success now and again.
After his time in college -(Too bad Notre Dame’s game was postponed this week. What would Deion look like leading the Irish?) – Deion takes his Hall of Fame jacket back to the NFL.
Dolphins v Jaguars
The Beard v The ’Stache’- Ryan Fitzpatrick represents all the great beard wearing men of our fine nation. Gardner Minshew is here for the mustache guys. This is a delightful battle of the hair styles as well as two QBs who might blow up the scoreboard or throw 12 interceptions. Apiece.
Either way, fun.
Deion would coach the Dolphins. He looks great in crop pants, ballet flats, no socks, and white blazer with no shirt. Can’t do that in Jacksonville. (But maybe you can in Tuscaloosa after Deion is done there!)
Chiefs v Ravens
MVP v MVP
Monday night should be the moment in 2020 when we all realize everything is going to be OK. And if it isn’t OK, at least we had a chance to see Mahomes vs. Jackson one more time before The End.
Deion could never coach the Ravens. He may be tough enough, but he doesn’t look tough enough.
Deion will coach the Chiefs and lucky for him it won’t be hard. When Andy Reid leaves, a college intern from Southwest Union Stenography College could randomly select plays from any old playbook Reid leaves in a drawer and be successful for a few seasons. The biggest hurdle for Deion will be resisting a footrace with Tyrek Hill. I’d bet on Deion to A) win the race and B) pull so many hamstrings he never walks again.
Bears v Falcons
Why does the NFL insist on forcing Atlanta to play again this weekend? After the epic come from ahead loss, the NFL should declare a pandemic emergency and just let the Falcons be.
Here’s a franchise that needs a jolt. Needs something mythical and magical and dynamical. These Falcons need to get back to… Prime Time!
Head Coach Deion Sanders of the Atlanta Falcons. This makes sense. This feels comfortable and right. This will actually work. Bonus, for the first part of the season Deion can also manage the Braves.
Cowboys v Seahawks
The Seahawks and Russell Wilson are everything Jerry Jones thinks the Cowboys are. If Jerry want’s to be, not just to seem, he needs a more interesting coach.
Somebody who knows the ‘Cowboy Way’.
Someone who can bring back Michael Irvin to coach receivers.
Someone who can hold a great press conference when Jerry can no longer speak.
Someone who has diamonds in his cowboy boots and a cashmere Stetson hat!
You got to VIBE the Cowboys and shoot energy into every sky box and field level box and standing room only bar in Jerry World!
There’s only one man in the NFL who can bring that much swagger, that much celebrity, that much power and vigor and panache to the Cowboys… you guessed it….
Head Coach Cam Newton!
Enjoy your picks. I’ve gotta go film robots milking cows. Seriously. And it counts as a ‘work day’.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 