April 22, 2020
Good Day Grover Pickers,
It’s faux-football time in America! NFL Draft Week. A time when college football fans and pro football fans all come together for one socially distant party to talk about 6 guys we’ve heard of and 252 guys we’ve never heard of, but are SURE will be the guy that makes the difference.
Originally the NFL planned to hold the draft in Las Vegas, home of the Oakland Raiders. The stage was floating in a crystal water tank shaped like a heart. Drafted players would don a lifejacket and ride a replica of the “It’s A Small World” boat from backstage to the Commissioner. The players would bask in applause under the glow of fireworks and above a 123-woman water ballet routine. There was going to be a fountain shooting water in the shape of a dancing Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, the Draft will now originate from Roger Goodell’s garage (Pictured Below).
You may watch it on three, THREE!, different channels- ESPN, NFL Network and ABC Television Network. There is a combined TV analyst crew on ESPN using the best of ESPN’s football crew and the best of the NFL Network’s crew, plus Michael Irvin.
On ABC, a more college friendly presentation includes the Gameday crew, minus Scooter, but with Tom Rinaldi reporting so all the draftees can cry.
This should be the third draft W-C-B (Without Chris Berman), so if you are struggling to find something to be thankful for in these dark and uncertain times, there is that.
To make the virtual draft feel more authentic, the NFL is asking that you wear your own peacock shaped hat and sequenced gown each of the three days. If you don’t have a boat, stand in your tub. When the family asks “Why?” or the kids snap a TikTok video, remember to say, “Corona Draft!”
The pandemic reveals the cracks in society like the lack of broadband internet access in rural America, such as the New York Giants GM Dave Gettleman’s house.
The NFL did test a new draft system based on the ‘Conference Call’, which apparently befuddled many General Managers on Monday. “Mute” is not a button they know how to use. “Moot”, however, is the very definition of Saturday’s third day of the draft.
This is how it’s going to look, starring Jon Gruden:
The entire draft is basically some overpaid, undereducated, beef-brained GM asking his wife and/or kids for the remote so he can draft a 300 pound lineman from Southern Montana A&T because he loves his, ‘Quicks’ and is unaware of his “Waffle House Habit”.
You think I’m joking? Ron Rivera has listed his wife’s cell phone as the emergency number for the league. Both his wife and his daughter will be in the room taking notes and assisting with two TVs, 3 commuters and an array of dedicated landline and cell phones.
The NFL should stop overthinking and just use the Madden game platform. It already works!
Know Your 2020 Draft Lingo
With more and more talking heads trying to prove how smart they are, you are going to hear some terms that may be unfamiliar. The Commissioner, YOUR Commissioner, is here to interpret.
Lateral Twitch– The thing Saban’s face does every time Bama attempts a kick.
Vertical Twitch– He’s a little jumpy during pre-game warm-ups.
Tweener– Would be a baller in intramural.
EDGE– always capitalized, this is a gentleman so big and fast he can run around slower men to sack the quarterback on pass plays, but he’s easy to block on run plays.
Juice– A guy who moves as if he took amphetamines, but passed his latest drug test. Also, the first running back to gain more than 2,000 yards in a season.
Athleticism– A guy who is physically talented enough to play an easier, more lucrative professional sport, but dumb enough to stick with football.
Instincts– Plays better than he’s coached.
Pass Protection– The most important football skill that every college lineman and running back “Must improve on at the next level.”
Lower Body– Buttocks
Intangibles– Positive character issues like leading the team huddle: “All together! All Together! Bring it in. Win on me! One, Two, Three, WINMMMFUHHHHAHHHHHHHHHAHHHWUF!” – In other words, volume impersonating leadership.
Son/Nephew/Cousin– Expected to have genetic advantage, but we don’t want to make it sound like horse breeding.
Downhill– Higher than average concussion risk
Explosive– Especially fast or powerful versus payers who are standing still.
System Guy– Very successful at doing what he was coached to do. Scouts question his ability to play above the coaching on the next level.
Saban Guy– He’s already familiar with all the stupid stuff our coach will yell at him.
Reach– The guy your team drafts instead of the guy you wanted your team to draft.
Lower Body Athleticism– Agile Buttocks.
Three-Technique– Chubby defensive lineman who can play within 18- 24 inches of either side of the center’s helmet.
North-South– Always runs to the wrong sideline, but never to the wrong end zone.
Motor– lacks skill and technique, but runs into many people relentlessly.
Playmaker– Covers up bad coaching decisions.
Play Speed– Do not walk behind this guy at the mall if you are in a hurry, but, you won’t catch him during a play.
Closing Speed– Really slow to understand what is happening on the play, but fast enough to catch the guy he should have been covering all along before he gives up a first down.
Mahomes-like – Unconventional thrower who makes all coaching decisions look good regardless.
Brady-like – Pastey, tall, white guy, excellent accuracy under 10 yards to other white guys, good long ball if throwing to Hall of Famers.
Watson-like – Black/brown quarterback with “questionable” accuracy, sometimes termed “Sneaky Accurate”, who can ’tuck it and run’. Makes the worst coaches look really good, helps the best coaches win Super Bowls. (see ‘Mahomes-like’).
Character Issues– Formerly: failed a drug test or arrested for domestic assault. Currently: His agent is Drew Rosenhaus.
Dynamic– term used by commentators ostensibly to describe a player’s energy, but actually meant to fain intellect by broadcasters who lack 8th grade vocabulary skills (Chris Berman).
Dual-threat– Not only will we draft you #1 to the Cincinnati Bengals, we are also going to make you the starting quarterback!
Winner– a guy whose college team won often and the scouts can’t decide if it was because of him or in spite of him.
Throwback– Concussion risk.
Ball Skills– A gentleman who can lay on the ground and spin footballs simultaneously on his toes, knees, elbows and nose, usually at halftime of a basketball game.
Length– a gentleman who is taller than the assistant coach who measured him.
Raw Power– useless football strength
Gap Quickness– Can play within 30 inches of either side of an offensive guard.
Flashes– I saw him do it once on tape in college, in his sophomore year, and I now assume he will do that on every play in professional football.
Hips– connects “Upper Body” and “Lower Body” and they are better if they are not ’stiff’.
Ankle Flexion– he can bend his ankles
Body Bend– he can bend his body
Football IQ– Do not ask him to solve for Pi.
Fluidity– Concussion risk.
Big-Man Twitch– can move within a 1 square yard box like an elephant that saw a mouse.
Two-Gapper– A gentleman who can move right OR left
Ball Hawk– guy who caught three tipped passes for interceptions in one game in college agains Valdosta State and so became an All-America selection. Sometimes described as “Nose for the Ball” or “Can’t tackle”.
Mentality– the cut of the man’s jib reflects the dreams of his coach
The Next Level– should be “The Last Level”. It’s not like Mahomes is going to move to “The Next Level” now, even if he’s already on “Another Level”. So, it’s a euphemism to differentiate the professional football league for cash versus the professional football league for room and board.
Makeup– means “He’s like me.”
Hang Time– what Kickers and Punters call the three days of the draft.
Draft Winners
UT Vols WR Jauan Jennings and LB Darrell Taylor. Congrats Vols! The experts pick you two as the only players in Knoxville worthy of professional consideration this year. Even better, you don’t have to waste your Thursday waiting to be picked in the lengthy first round because you are both projected as second and third day picks. How did the Vols ever lose these past four season?
Bills and Dolphins– Brady is gone from the division and the Jets are still there. This is the year for the Bills and Dolphins.
Ohio State and Alabama– Finally unloading so many of those dead-weight All-Americans in the draft’s top 10 so they can make room for the next set of All-Americans.
Draft Losers
Helmet Phones. Nobody uses these anymore, except maybe Gettleman.
7th Round Picks– These guys are going to be free agents by the third week of camp. They’d be better off as undrafted free agents to begin with.
The New York Jets
TRADES!
The Buccaneers– They got Brady! They got Gronk! Everybody wants to retire to Florida! Now Tampa should trade for the rights to Larry Fitzgerald, too. I hear Barry Sanders still has some eligibility left. Maybe see if Janikowski’s still available. Percy Harvin is out here claiming he feels great mentally and physically and is having the ‘itch’ again at 32 years old after retiring for 3 seasons. Frank Gore would fit perfectly in those new Bucs uniforms if he can get permission to leave his assisted-living community. George Blanda died in 2010, but heck, you might as well call him, too.
The Dolphins will trade all 3 of their first round picks to move up three spots and take Utah State’s Jordan Love. Ryan Fitzpatrick will remain the starting QB in Miami until 2034.
The Lions will trade the third pick to New England for Edelman and the Patriots will draft Tua.
The Giants will trade down with the 49ers in return for a second round pick and any Google employee who can get to the Gettleman’s office pronto and hook up that dang interweb thingy before the first round ends.
The Alabama Crimson Tide will trade two scholarship seniors to the Chicago Bears for Mitch Trubisky, who needs three more years of college before reentering the draft.
Semi-Non-Football Thought
Michael Jordan! The Last Dance series on ESPN is fun to watch. It featured a useless interview with former Chicago resident Barak Obama. Some have had fun with the former President being identified as “Former Chicago Resident”, but that made sense to me. That is his relevance in the program.
What made no sense, what was an out-and-out lie of political proportions, was Mr. Obama’s misguided contention that Michael Jordan winning NBA Rookie of the Year in 1985 somehow put little ole’ Chicago on the sports map.
That will be news to millions of Cubs fans who, at that moment, were the reigning NL East Champs. And I really want to know how Jordan and the NBA circa 1985 even got noticed in at town that included the 1985 Chicago Bears, three Hall of Famers on the Chicago White Sox and one Hall of Famer on the Blackhawks.
In 1985, CBS was still televising NBA playoff games on TAPE DELAY at 11:30pm on the East Coast. Basketball was barely on the map, much less Chicago and some rookie of the year on a bad team.
Jordan would become the biggest sports star of his era, even bigger than Bo Jackson, thanks to injury. He would pass every Chicago legend in fame and money worldwide. Eventually.
But in 1985, and surely, if Mr. Obama is indeed a ‘Former Chicago Resident’, then he must know, Michael Jordan was at best the 21st most popular athlete in Chicago. He did not put Chicago on any map in 1985.
This is the list of most popular Chicago Professional Athletes in 1985:
- WALTER PAYTON!
- Mike Ditka
- Jim McMahon
- The Fridge
- Mike Singletary
- Wilbur Marshall
- Gary Fencik
- Buddy Ryan
- Leon “Bull” Durham
- Ryne Sandberg
- Larry Bowa
- Ron Cey
- Gary Matthews
- Steve Trout
- Rick Sutcliffe
- Dennis Eckersley
- Harold Baines
- Carlton Fisk
- Tom Seaver
- Denis Savard
- Michael Jordan
Early College Football Prediction
It says here the Clemson Tigers will face the Oklahoma State Cowboys in the College Football Playoff National Championship Game on January 11, 2021 in Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida.
Of the 125 technically eligible teams to play for this championship, only Clemson and OK State have declared their intention to kick covid-19’s butt and get back to playing football and making money as soon as possible. It is this attitude that shapes boys into men and will build the foundation of everlasting success and glory for these proud research institutions.
“We’ve been using face masks in games for years. What’s the big deal?” is how Clemson coach Dabo Swinney explains it.
Hard to argue with those facts.
Happy Draft Picking To You and Your Favorite Team (unless it’s the Jets),
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 