Gerrymandering For Fun and Money: A Plan for College Football Realignment, the Betterment of Mankind, and Piles of Cash.

December 18, 2019

Good Day Grover Pickers,

Today I will outsource a major portion of this blog post, make fun of the Dallas Cowboys and present the final college football realignment plan we will ever need. Enjoy!

First, college bowl season begins at 2pm on Friday with the Bahamas Bowl where Buffalo meets Charlotte. Congrats to Charlotte on ‘winning’ the CUSA without having to go to Mobile, AL like the actual CUSA Champion.

Normally I would preview all of the bowl games for you, however, I discovered an article on ESPN.com in which writer David Hale ranks all the games by how entertaining they will be. The more I read this article, the more I felt like I would merely write the same things David has. So, I’ll save myself the effort and give you this link to “Ranking college football’s 40 bowl games, from least to most entertaining” and leave it at that.

Briefly, then, here is a breakdown of the Cowboys vs Eagles game this week. Both teams suck, neither team will admit it, but one of them will accidentally win and earn a home playoff game. This must be what watching all those hopeless dopes on Dancing With The Stars feels like. Amateurs parading as talent in fancy clothes. Somebody give Jerry Jones a giant mirror ball trophy and send him home, please.

Finally, here is how college realignment should look in 2025, after TV contracts come up for renewal with the SEC, ACC and Longhorn Network.

PURPOSE: Player Welfare.

Ha! That was a joke. The purpose is more money for everybody and more opportunity for fans who don’t play football to derive pleasure and self esteem from the efforts of others.

GENERAL OUTLINE: Two new leagues will form out of the existing NCAA Division 1 structure. One league will be Professional College Football and one league will be College College Football.

Here’s the main difference- Professional College Football programs license the colors, facilities and marks of universities and represent them on the field. These players are employees of the team. They do not attend class. They are eligible to play in the league for 4 seasons plus one injury season if needed. The players are paid in cash at the discretion of each team. Players and schools may negotiate payments that include tuition, but it is not required.

College College Football teams, on the other hand, retain a version of the ’student/athlete’ lie.

A Note on Travel: These conferences are setup to include teams that are similar in culture and/or from big TV markets. Geography is no longer a consideration as travel has become cheap and easy. The internet, and television to a lesser extent, make every game accessible to every fan.

A Note on Scheduling: Each team in any division, Pro College or College College, will play every other team in the division once per season. Each team plays a total of 12 games and may schedule any other team, Pro College or College College for the remaining 4-5 games. Each team may also play up to two pre-season games that do not count in the schedule.

THE GUIDING PRINCIPLES OF REALIGNMENT ARE:

1. Money
2. TV Money
3. Sanctimony
4. Protecting the Elites
5. Crushing the Weak
6. Enfranchising More Elites
7. Additional Revenue

THE BUILT FORD TOUGH PROFESSIONAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

40 teams will compete for a championship from among 5 conferences in a 16 team playoff.

Two of the conferences, The Blue Blood 8 Conference and the Chik-Fil-A Pray Action Conference include permanent members. The other three conference memberships change from season to season. Each year two teams from the Millennial League, All State Conference and State Farm Conference are relegated to the Relegation League. There are 27 additional teams in the Relegation League, which has divisions. The top 2 teams in each Relegation Division at the end of a season will move up to a designated Professional College League Conference.

“THE BLUE BLOOD 8 CONFERENCE PRESENTED BY BUDWEISER” A FOOTBALL FACTORY SUPER CONFERENCE

These teams are permanent members of this conference.

1. OKLAHOMA
2. GEORGIA
3. TENNESSEE
4. TEXAS
5. OHIO STATE
6. NEBRASKA (lucky to be here)
7. PENN STATE
8. ALABAMA

“THE CHIK-FIL-A PRAY ACTION CONFERENCE”

FOOTBALL, FAITH AND FAMILY

These teams are permanent members of this conference.

1. NOTRE DAME- Catholics
2. BYU- Mormons
3. BAYLOR- Baptists
4. TCU- Disciples of Christ
5. BOSTON COLLEGE- Jesuits
6. LIBERTY- Baptists
7. INCARNATE WORD- Catholic
8. UNLV- Sinners (You have your faith. Vegas has its faith. Don’t judge.)

“THE AMAZON PRIME MILLENNIAL LEAGUE”
WE ARE A BIG TIME FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

The original members are chosen based on TV market size. The worst two teams will be relegated and replaced by the top 2 teams from the Relegation League Millennial Division.

1. UCF 18th TV market
2. SMU 5th TV market
3. HOUSTON 7th TV market
4. RUTGERS 1st TV market
5. FLORIDA ATLANTIC 16th TV market
6. FLORIDA A&M 112th TV market (HBCU’s have national followings, like Notre Dame)
7. ARIZONA STATE 12th TV market
8. SAN DIEGO STATE 29th TV market

“THE ALL STATE CONFERENCE Sponsored by Progressive Insurance”

These teams represent schools that are considered a state’s flagship university. The teams finishing #7 and #8 are relegated.

1. COLORADO
2. UTAH
3. OREGON
4. MISSOURI
5. LSU
6. MAINE (We need New England, but Vermont and New Hampshire are non-starters)
7. ARIZONA
8. WEST VIRGINIA

“THE FARMER’S INSURANCE STATE FARM COWS AND PLOWS CONFERENCE Sponsored by Geico”

These teams represent schools that began as agricultural extension institutions, technical schools and/or Veterinary colleges. The teams finishing #7 and #8 are relegated.

1. TEXAS A&M- Mechanical
2. AUBURN- Veterinary
3. VIRGINIA TECH- Mechanical
4. FRESNO STATE- Agriculture
5. APPALACHIAN STATE- Modern Agriculture (Cannabis)
6. IOWA STATE- Agricultural
7. CLEMSON- Agriculture and Textiles
8. NC STATE- Agriculture and Textiles

The Dr. PEPPER RELEGATION LEAGUE

These are the 27 teams competing to move up to the big time. They are limited only by the willingness of their alumni and fans to spend money building a competitive program.

RELEGATION MILLENNIAL DIVISION Sponsored by Tinder

Urban schools that feel entitled to a better conference. Top 2 teams join the Millennial League

1. CINCINNATI
2. MEMPHIS
3. USF
4. LOUISVILLE
5. MOUNT UNION (D3 Football Factory. Can now recruit even better players)
6. PITTSBURGH
7. CHARLOTTE
8. NYU (currently does not field a football team, but will own the #1 TV Market)
9. UAB

RELEGATION ALL STATE DIVISION Presented by Viagra

Big, old, state schools that have struggled to perform to expectations. Top 2 teams join the All State Conference Sponsored by Progressive Insurance

1. SOUTH CAROLINA
2. NORTH TEXAS
3. OHIO
4. NORTHERN ILLINOIS
5. ARKANSAS
6. MISSISSIPPI
7. UTAH
8. MARYLAND
9. KENTUCKY

RELEGATION STATE FARM DIVISION Sponsored by FarmersOnly.Com

Team performance often determined by the weather. Top 2 teams join the State Farm Conference Sponsored by Geico

1. MICHIGAN STATE
2. MISSISSIPPI STATE
3. WASHINGTON STATE
4. OKLAHOMA STATE
5. KANSAS STATE
6. NORTH DAKOTA STATE
7. JAMES MADISON (Mr. Madison owned a large farm. That counts for this division.)
8. GRAMBLING (will be the Green Bay of Professional College Football)
9. BOISE STATE
   

COLLEGE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

These are the schools that thrive in traditional higher educational pursuits such as… education. These are the institutions that offer broad cultural and academic environments for elite scholars who have skills to offer the world beyond athletics.

Football Culture
This league remains the college football conference tied to the history of the game. The best teams at the end of the season will compete in the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Sugar Bowl and the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Then the coaches will vote for a national champion. These are the only Division 1 FBS teams eligible to host ESPN’s College Game Day.

Financial Considerations

All educational expenses are paid by the institution until a student/athlete accrues enough hours to graduate, with no time limit or expiration. Student/athletes are eligible to play on a team for up to 5 seasons. Payments to players shall take into account the total cost of attendance to earn a degree and that value is deducted from any other cash payments the school or boosters makes to the player. Cash payments are unlimited by the league, but must be made by handshake or via a fake job.

“MAINTAINING THE STUDENT/ATHLETE FACADE CONFERENCE”
A PAID AMATEUR CONFERENCE OF PUBLIC HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTIONS

SOCRATES DIVISION Underwritten by a Generous Grant From LL Bean

1. WASHINGTON
2. ILLINOIS
3. MICHIGAN
4. WISCONSIN
5. MINNESOTA
6. ARMY
7. IOWA
8. PURDUE

ARISTOTLE DIVISION Underwritten by a Generous Grant From RayBan

1. CALIFORNIA
2. UCLA
3. FLORIDA
4. GEORGIA TECH
5. NAVY
6. AIR FORCE
7. VIRGINIA
8. NORTH CAROLINA (Probationary status based on recent academic irregularities)

“THE NEW EGGHEAD 8″
A PAID AMATEUR CONFERENCE OF PRIVATE HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTIONS

Motto: Altius Scoreum (Translates: If you have to ask, then your SAT score is too low)

1. DUKE
2. NORTHWESTERN
3. STANFORD
4. MIAMI
5. USC
6. VANDERBILT
7. SYRACUSE
8. RICE (some school has to be the supreme cupcake. It’s Rice.)

“THE ORIGINAL EGGHEAD 8”
THE IVY LEAGUE

Motto: We’re The Ivy League, Even Brown.

1. DARTMOUTH
2. YALE
3. PRINCETON
4. PENNSYLVANIA
5. CORNELL
6. COLUMBIA
7. HARVARD
8. BROWN

WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE?

The new landscape of Professional College and Regluar College football isn’t for every institution. After consulting with officials from Division II and Division III and then reviewing the traditional or expected football viability, the market sizes, geography and relevant wealthy alumni, the following schools will be better off disbanding football to concentrate on Esports.

“THE WASHED UP 9”

THE DOVE SOAP CONFERENCE

1. KENT STATE
2. NEW MEXICO
3. NEW MEXICO STATE
4. EAST CAROLINA
5. WAKE FOREST
6. UCONN
7. UMASS
8. KANSAS
9. FLORIDA STATE

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Enjoy Festivus,
and

Happy Picking,
The Commissioner