November 20, 2019
The Commissioner has failed you and now…. atonement.
There was no Grover Picks blog post last week, the second miss of the season. Where was the breakdown of the Texas State Fair menu? Has anybody checked on the quality of applicants or price of attendance at SMU lately?
I, your Commissioner, The Commissioner, shall set it right.
This week, with a season high 40 picks, I provide a useful note for EVERY game we are picking and/or a fill-in-the-blank question so you can ‘write along’ with The Commissioner.
It’s like football mad libs!
TEXANS V COLTS
I predict a scoreless first quarter.
The quantitative crowd points out that Texans Head Coach Bill O’Brien has a flaw. After plays in which a Texans RB runs for 10 or more yards, O’Brien’s habit on the next down, 1st and 10, is to run the ball again with the same back. This is successful just 33% of the time. However, when he hands the ball on 1st and 10 to a fresh RB, the Texans are successful 63% of the time.
Why is Bill O’Brien so ____________?
Also, Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was recently elected President of the “Former Gator QB’s Who Transferred Because We Thought They Sucked But Turns Out They Were Good Club”. Congratulations, Jacoby!
OK STATE V WEST VIRGINIA
Isn’t a cowboy just a mountaineer on flatter land?
OHIO STATE V PENN STATE
The Buckeyes are the most hated school in the Grover Picks. It’s a sports hate that unties us, one and all.
The thing I dislike the most about Ohio State is _______________!
Too bad Penn State is so hard to root for due to:
- Disingenuous Coach
- History of wrongheaded idol worship
- That whole Sandusky thing
- Cheapest looking mascot costume in all the Power 5. Embarrassing. Somewhere there’s a Party City that’s missing an angry doggie suit. Here it is!
IOWA V ILLINOIS
The only match this week between two schools that begin with the letter “I”. These mild rivals are separated by hundreds of fields of corn and Peiora, IL. The Illini lead the all-time series 38-34, but have not beaten the Hawkeyes in 10 years. Illinois is on a 4 game win streak and bowl eligible for the first time since Red Grange played in Champaign. Iowa just beat previously unbeaten Minnesota.
This is all just an excuse to admire Lovie Smith’s beard.
MINNESOTA V NORTHWESTERN
Row The Boat! That’s the Minnesota battle cry (also Ski-U-Mah). So cute. Let’s compare and contrast the kind of boat Minnesota has with the boats that best represent comparable football programs in the SEC.
Minnesota Row Your Boat
Mississippi State Bass Boat
LSU Shramper
Vanderbilt Modified Commodore
Florida
ALABAMA V WESTERN CAROLINA
Here’s how you know the Catamounts are going to shock the world. This game is on ESPN Saturday at noon. It is only the second time in history you can watch Western Carolina on ESPN’s ‘Mothership’. The last time was 1979 when WCU faced App State in only the second live event EVER broadcast on ESPN.
Also, consider that Saban’s first opponent as LSU coach was Western Carolina. His first opponent as Alabama head coach was Western Carolina. Western Carolina already marks the beginning of Saban and Saturday the Catamounts mark the end of Bama and, if not the whole of ESPN, then maybe the network will have to sacrifice a long-serving employee such as Chris Berman.
Nobody sees it coming.
Western arrives in Tuscaloosa with senior QB Tyrie Adams, the school’s all-time leader in total offense with 11,385 yards including 8,866 career passing yards and 64 career touchdown passes. Adams is the Tua of the Southern Conference!
And Bama counters with who? Fake Tua, Mack Jones, at QB and a bunch of guys who never play. The entire starting defensive line for Alabama is injured and will not play. Kicker Will Reichard, the #1 kicker in last year’s recruiting class, is injured and will not play because Saban is a horrible special teams coach.
The Tide are wounded, inexperienced and over confident.
Maybe it happens once in all of our lifetimes, but it happens Saturday. This is the day. Bryant-Denny is the place. ESPN will show you the revolution, when Western Carolina travels from the mountains to face Mighty Bama and returns home with tattered remains of Nick Saban’s soul.
DARTMOUTH V BROWN AND HARVARD V YALE (The Game)
This is the end of the Ivy season. Dartmouth and Yale are playing for a share of the Ivy League title. Dartmouth should have won it outright last week, but they were upset at home. Bunch of overeducated underachievers!
This is the 136th meeting between Harvard and Yale. The most expensive ticket is just $100. Seems like these alumni could pay more.
I prefer to root for (Harvard / Yale) because I adore raccoon coats and _______________!
LEHIGH V LAFFAYETTE (The Rivalry)
These teams have played every year since 1897! The Mountain Hawks face the Leopards for the 155th time. It’s the longest continuous rivalry in America (other than the Civil War) and the most played rivalry in football.
The winning team simply keeps the game ball and paints the score on it. That’s what you do when you’ve been playing since before the advent of trophies or pasteurized milk.
Lafayette leads the series 78-71 all-time. Lehigh has won the last four. This season, both teams have just three wins each.
I love Lehigh versus Lafayette! It’s my favorite game every year in the state of _________________?
MONTANA V MONTANA STATE
The 119th meeting between the Grizzlies and the Bobcats. Montana is 3rd in the FCS polls. State is 8th.
Montana is a beautiful state with two good teams and some fun laws such as:
Playing disc golf at night is illegal in Montana.
Rocket launchers are prohibited at council meetings.
You may not sacrifice an animal in the presence of a minor.
A chaperone is required if you are traveling with a sheep in the cab of your truck.
Something to think about if you choose to visit and “Discover Your #Montanamoment”
NOTRE DAME V BOSTON COLLEGE
The only reason I dislike Ohio State more than I dislike Notre Dame is ___________________!
NORTH DAKOTA STATE V SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
We pick this game as a friendly reminder that North Dakota State is much more successful at football than Clemson or Alabama. The Bison are 11-0 and on a 32 game winning streak as they head to Saluki Stadium. On Sunday the NCAA will announce the 24 team field for the FCS playoffs and NDSU will be the #1 seed. Again.
Go here, buy a shirt, and show people that you are a college football hipster.
NEBRASKA V MARYLAND
For our friends in Lincoln, such as TXTOAST, DESERTHUSKER, and HUSKERZAG- a game the Cornhuskers should win. In case you forgot, a “win” is when your team ends the game with more points than the other team. It’s fun! Enjoy!
MICHIGAN V INDIANA
My favorite Indiana football memory was the time that ____________________________?
GEORGIA V TEXAS A&M
COMMIT TO THE G, James Ipock of lesser Ft. Lauderdale is a Dawg. JOSHPSTEPHENSON, aka Josh P. Stephenson, is also a Dawg.
Even these two erudite, educated and sterling gentlemen would agree with the rest of us that there is NO WAY Georgia holds on to the #4 Playoff spot. The Bulldogs lead the rankings in BL’s- Bad Losses.
Among the 48 teams with more effective offenses than the Dawgs are Louisiana, Troy, Georgia State, Western Michigan, Texas, Ole Miss, Toledo, Indiana, Ball State, Florida Atlantic, Arkansas State and Ohio. The Georgia offense is only two spots ahead of Charlotte, a team that hasn’t had a winning record in its history.
I think _______________________ has a better chance of ______________________ than Georgia has of earning a spot in the college playoff.
BAYLOR V TEXAS
The Bears and the Longhorns can enjoy the game while quietly humming this catchy tune full of clever lyrics:
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner
Boomer Sooner, OK U!
Oklahoma, Oklahoma
Oklahoma, Oklahoma
Oklahoma, Oklahoma
Oklahoma, OK U!
I’m a Sooner born and Sooner bredand
when I die, I’ll be Sooner dead
Rah Oklahoma, Rah Oklahoma
Rah Oklahoma, OK U!
USC V UCLA
Things you could do on Los Angeles this weekend:
- Renegade Craft fair
- LA Auto Show
- Food Festival
- Desiger Con
- The Aeronauts’ Incredible Journey (a film shown on the side of a hot air balloon at the Rose Bowl, home field of UCLA)
- Kanye West Nebuchadnezzar- An Opera
- Chinese Lantern Festival
- Madonna (the old lady singer)
- Holiday Ice Rink
- Beaches
- Mountains
- Interstates
- USC v UCLA
NAVY V SMU
The biggest reason I always root against the service academies is because ___________________?
(Trick question. Please leave blank.)
FLORIDA A&M V BETHUNE COOKMAN (The Florida Classic)
This game is FCS’ most attended football contest as well as the nation’s largest football game between two Historically Black Colleges. The Battle of the Bands is Friday night. The Stompdown Experience is Saturday night after the game. Join 50-70,000 of your friends and have a good time. And don’t come dressed like a scrub.
WISCONSIN V PURDUE
Wisconsin is probably better at football right now. Purdue, despite what you have heard, is a better school.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Purdue is the 46th ranked college in America, 21 spots ahead of Wisconsin. You will save $600 a year attending Purdue instead of Wisconsin, AND, your starting salary is likely $800 more per year.
Purdue’s student/teacher ratio is better and Purdue has more institutional money than Wisconsin.
Also a consideration…. Madison is on every list of Best College Towns. West Lafayette is on every list of Best College Towns With Lafayette In The Name.
STANFORD V CAL (The Big Game)
Cal has a reputation for being a hippy resort, but in this game, only Stanford has players named “Kale” and “Thunder Justice” and “Scooter” and each of these gentlemen is also an all Pac 12 Academic Honorable Mention student as well as an athlete.
This is the best preview of the game you will read.
Neither team has a winning record. Neither team expects to use it’s starting quarterback due to injuries.
This is the Stanford-Cal highlight you are looking for.
NEW MEXICO STATE V UTEP (Battle of I-10)
Welcome to the bottom of the college football world. It’s called the Battle of I-10. The “I” stands for “interstate”. It is not a number 1, as in 1-10, which one of these schools will be when the game ends. The winner will be 2-9, not to be confused with “29”, which is the attendance. These schools have been doing this for 104 years and you never noticed.
Once, I was driving along I-10 between El Paso and Las Cruces and I saw _______________________!
CINCINNATI V TEMPLE
The Bearcats clinch the AAC East with a win over Temple. That’s a really big deal unless, like 94.3% of Americans you believe “AAC” stands for “Augmentative and Alternative Communication”or “Advanced Armament Corp”or “American Alpine Club”or “Appalachian Athletic Conference”.
Temple beat Memphis and also a quasi Big 10 team, Maryland.
Cincinnati beat Memphis, UCLA, and UCF and only lost to Ohio State.
Cincinnati “Skyline” chili is ____________________________!
MIAMI V FIU
Just like Lehigh v Lafayette without the history, charm or football weather.
The most famous college football player to ever play in the Orange Bowl was ________________________.
(Hint: It’s Doug Flutie)
The most famous college football player to ever play for FIU will be born in ________________.
TENNESSEE V MISSOURI
They should play this game on a riverboat. Each team should have Nike make a uniform that looks like James Garner in Maverick. The cheerleaders should all dress like can-can girls.
OREGON V ARIZONA STATE
Arizona State is a team you don’t want play… next season.
The Oregon Ducks will play ____________ for the Pac 12 Championship and when the Oregon Ducks win the Pac 12 Championship they will finish # ___ in the playoff rankings. (Hint: The Ducks will be ranked well ahead of Georgia)
OKLAHOMA V TCU
I’ve spent all week wishing Oklahoma could play Alabama in the college playoff this season until it dawned on me that Oklahoma can play Alabama in the Sugar Bowl instead!
In this season’s Sugar Bowl, former Bama QB and current Sooner QB Jalen Hurts will _________________ in an Oklahoma ___________________ over the two-or-three-loss Crimson Tide.
BOISE V UTAH STATE
Boise State has strung together 22 straight winning seasons, the longest streak in the nation. A Broncos win and they play in the Mountain West Championship.
Utah State University is ranked #245 by US News. Somehow it attracts 28,000 students to northern Utah, but the 89% acceptance rate may have something to do with that. You will need an 1110 on the SAT for acceptance here. Utah State ranks #56 in social mobility.
Boise State also needs an 1110 average SAT score, but Boise lives in the shadow of Utah State academically. US News ranks the Broncos #293-381 and only #285 on social mobility.
To summarize, in the future, Utah State alumni will still be watching Boise beat them in football, but they will be watching on much nicer televisions than the Boise alumni can afford.
PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
BILLS V BRONCOS
If the Bills and Broncos played in a Super Bowl, would the Patriots win?
BROWNS V DOLPHINS
A game to answer the eternal question: Is it more efficient to be undisciplined and stupid or just talentless?
SAINTS V PANTHERS
Could the Panthers get a higher draft pick by trading Cam Newton or Ron Rivera? Ideally, you would trade them to teams that need a really good quarterback or a really good coach, which is exactly how you would describe the Panthers if they get rid of Cam Newton and Ron Rivera.
STEELERS V BENGALS
The reason the Steelers are almost always competitive is ___________________.
The reason the Bengals always suck is _______________________.
RAIDERS V JETS
When the NFL starts playing exhibition games in Kazakhstan, I fully support making both of these franchises relocate to the capitol city of Nur-Sultan and just play 18 games against each other and call it a season. League rules would prevent either team from qualifying for the playoffs, which isn’t really a problem, but why risk it.
LIONS V WASHINGTON
The Lions are still clinging to the idea that they may start a quarterback with a broken back.
Washington is still clinging to the idea that the team matters to anyone.
At least Detroit has ________________ uniforms.
FALCONS V BUCS
In the last two weeks, the Atlanta defense has kept both the Saints and Panthers from scoring a touchdown while recording 4 interceptions and 13 sacks.
Happy Early Thanksgiving, Falcons! Meet the Human Turnover/Sack Machine, Jamies Winston!
BEARS V GIANTS
If you let Eli Manning start for the Bears this week, the Bears would ______________ the Giants.
(Hint: Eli would go for 400 yards and 4 TD’s, even if 2 of those TD’s were pick sixes.)
EAGLES V SEAHAWKS
Russell Wilson is the guy Philip Rivers wishes he could be. The Seahawks have been behind for more than 380 minutes this season, the most in the league. But the Seahawks are 8-2.
The Chargers are behind in the last two minutes every week, and poor Phillip Rivers keeps failing to bring them back.
So watch this game and enjoy Russell Wilson at the end and feel relieved that the Chargers have the week off.
TITANS V JAGUARS
Will this division rivalry still be as beloved once the Jaguars move to London?
PATRIOTS V COWBOYS
Who cares? This will certainly be the least watched game this week. Fans are tired of the same old Brady, the same old Belichick. The drama around the Cowboys has worn America’s fans out. It’s just too bad FOX couldn’t get a game people want to see in the 4pm window such as Titans v Jaguars.
NINERS V PACKERS
The Niners will never be a ______________ team.
The Packers will always be a _________________ team.
RAVENS V RAMS
When you watch Lamar Jackson play, you have one of two thoughts after every offensive play. It’s either, “Wow, that dude can scoot!”, or “Wow, I didn’t realize how well he throws the ball!” And in all cases, watching Lamar Jackson is as much fun as the NFL has to offer this season.
Good grief that was a long post!
The only reason I’m still reading this is because I ___________________.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 