October 31, 2019
Happy Halloween.
I, The Commissioner, shall now set the internet right by publishing the one blog post anywhere that contains facts and only facts, truth where there are only misrepresentations, and honesty on a platform reserved for lies.
In a world where human frailty succumbs too often to vitriol, bitterness, and self-loathing costumed as righteousness, I, your Commissioner, THE Commissioner, lay bare the simple truths we may all agree upon.
I give you the earnest foundation of knowledge from which our shared passions may grown into the facts we need- unfettered, unassailable and gloriously unreasonable.
GEORGIA V FLORIDA
Buncha good for nothing, rabies infected, scruffy tailed Bulldogs crawling back to Jacksonville for the annual beating at the hands of a better looking, stronger, smarter, more woke, Gators squad of humble farm boys.
Georgia, the state, is disappointment’s living room.
Georgia, the football school, is disappointment’s la-z-boy. Herschel left early. Mama got an improbable TD in overtime. South Carolina got an improbable field goal miss in OT. Nobody ever mentions Vince Dooley anymore even after you named a field for him.
Georgia, the professional sport state, is disappointment’s couch. The Falcons’ Super Bowl fail, the Hawks, the Braves’ one trophy for 15 great seasons, Awesome Bill’s less talented son, the Flames, the Thrashers, Kris Kross…
Hey, Gators, when you come upon a Bulldog fan in Jacksonville this weekend, with his/her face painted to mask the sadness, offer them a beer or a Zima to cheer them up. They are OK people even if their trailer isn’t as nice as yours, their jean-shorts aren’t frayed as much as yours, and their beards aren’t as scruffy.
Bulldog fans can’t help it if they live so far in the North there is not enough sunshine to boil the sadness from their brains. Floridian’s are just lucky that way.
So, go easy Gators. You should ruin the Bulldogs season, but not so much that they are afraid to return next year so you can ruin their season again.
Kit Kat is better than Twix.
FSU V MIAMI
The college football equivalent of the rotary phone, Blockbuster Video, Buster Brown Shoes, The Jerry Lewis Telethon, the checkbook, Ektachrome, The Fresh Prince 900 line (1-900-909-JEFF), Atari Consoles, the Bump, Wide Right, Conjunction Junction, the iPod, light switches, terrestrial radio, and analog antennas.
Communism, smallpox, Circuit City, Saturn cars, Debbie Gibson, fondue, pudding pops, cheez balls, fax machines, Deadspin, hand drills, white out, board games, neckties.
Yoga before goats, Kanye, the Turnover Chain, The Turnover Backpack, chalkboards, lap belts, Buick, AOL, Pizza Hut Pan Pizza, the evening news, Vegas, Windows 95, the Soviet Union, and Def Leopard concert t-shirts.
It’s unfortunate but true that not everything is as enduring as Fudgy the Whale.
Plain M&Ms are the only M&Ms
MIDDLE TENNESSEE V CHARLOTTE
Winner cracks the AP Top 105.
Yay.
Snickers are way better than Milky Way
KANSAS ST. V KANSAS
It’s a rivalry called “The Sunflower Showdown” and the winner gets the Governor’s Cup. The state of Kansas is officially more useless than South Dakota.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Beat Three Musketeers bars and everything else.
MEMPHIS V SMU
The ABC television network’s Saturday night prime-time game. Why are these two allowed at the adults table?
Skittles are for when you run out of kale.
UNC V VIRGINIA
The winner likely represents the ACC Coastal in Charlotte for the ACC Championship in front of 40,000 empty seats.
Hershey’s Kisses over Candy Corn everyday.
NATIONAL FOOTBAL LEAGUE
PATRIOTS V RAVENS
The League’s most prepared defense against the League’s most unconventional QB. This is the game, these mere 60 minutes, that shall define modern pro football for the next 15 seasons.
Crunch Bar over Mr. Goodbar easily
BROWNS V BRONCOS
The Browns are the Y2K of pro football. The are Jim Cantore standing on the beach in the sun when there should be a hurricane. They are the Taylor Swift album after everyone stops caring about Taylor Swift. They are Geraldo Rivera standing in front of a safe. They are Italy in World War II. They are 10% battery power showing on your phone the moment before it dies.
Tootsie Pops make Dum Dums irrelevant
JETS V DOLPHINS
Once again, the Jets are here to ruin the Dolphins’ season. Miami wins this game and the second Jets game. The Dolphins will also defeat Cincinnati at the end of the season. With 3 wins, the Dolphins’ season long tank fails and they will have to settle for picking up a washed-up free agent QB in the off-season such as Sam Darnold.
Nik-L-Nip – the New York Jets of candy.
Next week I shall return to making stuff up. I hope you enjoyed all the truthiness.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 