October 15, 2019
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Everything is bad. Everything. And if it’s not bad, it’s new, which is the same as bad. And if it’s not bad, or new, then it’s the same ole, same ole, which is bad.
What we need, when everything is bad and new and the same are solutions. Ideas. A cockeyed way to look at the mess and find the beauty, the possibility, the divine within.
And so, dear Grover Pickers, I, your Commissioner, The Commissioner, offer you… hope. Our pickings will get more inspiring in the coming weeks, but the days immediately before us are lacking. Not enough to force our attention to baseball, basketball or hockeyball, but certainly enough to send us to the movie theater this weekend.
Here are some ideas to make football even more compelling.
PROFESSIONAL COLLEGE GAMES
GATORS V GAMECOCKS and TOWSON TIGERS V BUCKNELL BISON
I group these together because since Florida’s 38-0 win two Saturday’s ago, the Gators and Tigers are a combined 0-2, both losing as ranked teams. Obviously, their struggle wore down both squads.
The solution? E-sports. Seven gamers from each school represent the teams and play the game online. That is the official result. Still, there must be a live game in the stadium to generate the revenue to pay off the Towson’s of the world. For that, the teams will use a squad of redshirt players from other teams within their conference.
For instance, red shirts from Georgia, Vanderbilt and Auburn would play for the Gators and similarly, red shirts from the Gators would play for those squads in games against FCS teams.
Everybody wins. Towson gets paid, Gator fans cheer for their uniforms, and all the red shirts get some more tape they can put on the transfer portal. Plus, the Gators are not worn down from a tough game before facing LSU.
I like this plan.
HARVARD V HOLY CROSS
Bring back Gordie Lockbaum! In 1986 Gordie Lockbaum played both offense and defense regularly for Holy Cross, becoming the last great two-way player. In 1987 he scored 22 touchdowns as a running back and receiver and registering 46 tackles as a defensive back. He finished third in the Heisman Trophy balloting.
What if every college team outside the Power 5 Schools cut their rosters in half and had to use players on offense and defense again? Without specialization, the game returns to schoolboy athletes, nobody has to worry about going to the NFL, and the games are thrilling and brutal.
There will still be plenty of money not to pay players with. We’ll call it the ‘Gordie Lockbaum’ rule.
Then, the Power 5 schools can go on as quasi-pro teams.
IDAHO V IDAHO STATE
More sports hate, not less. You can throw out the record books when the Vandals and Bengals face off. This series leads the world in international appeal since it is a UI home game in Moscow at the Kibbie Dome. More international games!
Even though Idaho leads the all-time series 28-12, it was the Bengals from State who blew them out last season 62-28. 62! Now, revenge is in the air in Moscow! There will be a new Tsar by Sunday morning!
And more trophies, please, but for the losers! These schools used to compete for a King Spud Trophy which is an oversized metal potato. One coach thought it was so ugly it should be given to the loser. What a great idea!
Here are some other great trophy ideas for losers:
Michigan v Ohio State Loser: The Rusty Belt Trophy– a fender from a 74 Buick Electra with an “I Love Woody”sticker.
Florida v FSU Loser: The Bowden Trophy– a wheelbarrow full of B.S.
Alabama v Auburn Loser: The Panama City Budgetel Trophy– For the state’s second best team, a trophy representing Alabama’s second greatest city.
Mississippi State v Mississippi: The Egg McMuffin Trophy– next best thing to a Faberge’ egg, no?
TAR HEELS V HOKIES
Any football game is more fun when the game is interactive between fans and players. But how to do that without 75% of the fans going broke on in-game online gambling sites?
Put LED lights on top of all the helmets. Fans in the stadium download an app that allows them to choose the color of the light on the helmet of each player. As fans ‘vote’ on the color, the helmet light reflects how the fans feel about a particular player.
For instance, Sam Howell throws a TD pass, all the UNC fans mash the Carolina Blue button on their app and Sam’s helmet glows in their favorite color.
Alternatively, Sam Howell throws a pick 6, all the UNC fans mash Duke Button on their app and Sam’s helmet glows in the hated rival’s color, covering him in the light of shame.
Consider how it works with opposing players. Since Virginia Tech hosts this contest, when Sam Howell throws the TD pass, Hokie fans go to the app and select the Pink Color button, either to celebrate hating cancer or to emasculate Mr. Howell as his helmet glows pink.
And what about neutral site games? Maybe the Tech fans turn Sam’s helmet pink for a moment, but a surge of UNC fans votes for Carolina Blue and then Sam is running around the field with a helmet blinking alternately in pink and Carolina Blue.
Now imagine that happening for all 22 players at once! What a trip! Let’s make this happen!
MIDSHIPMAN V USF BULLS
All games against Navy must be played on carrier decks. Home games are in a port. Road games are at sea. There are only 12 regulation footballs available for the game. If a ball leaves the deck and lands in the ocean, it is not replaced. If the teams run out of balls before regulation time ends, the game automatically devolves into a battle royal style fight in which each team tries to throw the other head coach overboard. Last head coach on deck or the last to hit the water in case of a near simultaneous toss, wins the game 3-0.
OREGON DUCKS V WASHINGTON HUSKIES
Use the ‘Portland, Oregon’ rules. All players must wear All-Birds cleats, which are environmentally friendly shoes. No cars are allowed in the parking lot, bicycles only. Tailgate events must be all vegan and no charcoal or wood fires. Plastics are banned, so all shoulder pads must be rolled up, recycled paper. Helmets cannot be polymer plastic nor leather, so it’s tight-wound braided hemp hats and cotton yoga pants and shirts. The football should be an artisan carved gourd.
LSU TIGERS V Mississippi State BULLDOGS
LSU has a live tiger. They should use it. Take it on the road for games. Put it on a leash near an end zone and see if any team wants to score that bad. State will have a lazy bulldog on the sideline. Let the Big Cat show some pride, too.
WESTERN MICHIGAN V EASTERN MICHIGAN
The problem here is that there are waaay too many double digit favorites this week so I’ve thrown in this pick and a few others just so we don’t have 40 Grover Pickers all picking 30 games correctly and ending in a huge, unsatisfying tie. When NCAA dorks start worrying that allowing players to get more cash for playing football will make the ‘playing field unequal’, remember weeks like this when the ‘level playing field’ is a bunch of 30 point favorites.
DEMON DEACONS V SEMINOLES
What if Wake Forest’s offense was averaging 40 points a game and FSU was giving up 32 points a game. Would that seem right to you?
Glory be, it is right. Want to make any game more entertaining? Let the game include the opportunity to see FSU get rung up and lose by more than 20 to a private, baptist, basketball school.
As an adult, watching Wake crush FSU is the closest you will ever get to reliving the joy of being a baby wrapped in a warm blanket playing peek-a-boo. Unmitigated mirth.
CRIMSON TIDE V VOLUNTEERS
To make this more interesting, I decree that Alabama may only use walk-ons for the entire game, same as UT appears to be doing.
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
RAMS V FALCONS
The Rams offense and the Falcon defense are to football what the Masked Singer is to the musical arts. For this game to be better, only the Rams defense and the Falcons offense will take the field. If the Falcons score, they get the points they earned. If they fail to score on a drive, the Rams get 5 points each time.
COWBOYS V EAGLES
You can’t make this game any better. Drama. Guarantees. Desperation. Disappointment. Hope. Unrealistic fans. Hot seats. Jerry Jones’ bourbon glass. These teams suck, but in that ‘level playing field’ sort of way the NCAA dorks talk about. Should be entertaining in a way that allows all the rest of us to laugh at both teams for three hours. That’s as good as it gets this weekend.
PATRIOTS V JETS
Dress the coaches, all of them, in clown shoes, clown noses, Ronald McDonald wigs, and water-squirting boutonnières. Bunch a jerks.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 