October 1, 2019
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Talk about winning a picks contest!
Congratulations to Grover Pickers GATORLOOKIN’2CASHIN’ and CASHNIN on their wedding this past weekend. According to TMZ it was a lovely ceremony in Chattanooga. Yes, the ceremony was held on a football Saturday and no, they did not serve wings. It was a wedding, not a tailgate, you unromantic lizard-lickers.
Also, to clarify a question that has come up on social media regarding the service, in Tennessee you may walk your dog down the aisle with you, but that does NOT make the K9 a legal part of the union. That’s only in Alabama.
Finally, to quash a rumor, Paul and Michelle did not meet here on the Grover Picks. This contest is not a dating service, no matter what the indictment says.
We are told from unreliable third-parties that the couple met standing in the concessions line at a Chattanooga Lookouts game. The sky was orange and blue that night. They both ordered soft-serve ice cream in the mini-helmet. She got the Braves. He got the Reds. They bonded over the vanilla-chocolate swirl and it was magic ever since. It’s the kind of love story that never happens over at the Dippin’ Dots stand. (This story is unconfirmed, except for the subtle suggestion that Dippin’ Dots are an insipid blight on stadium menus).
On to football!
It’s October. By now you should understand which teams are good and which are not and that information will inform your decisions on which teams will win and which teams will lose. Simple.
If you are struggling, or even if you are as confident as defending Grover Picks Champ and current leader PROGNOSTIG8R, The Commissioner is here to help. The benevolent and empathetic Commissioner, Your Commissioner, wants all the Grover Pickers, regardless if you prefer the Schoolboy Game or Professional Ball, to pick with confidence.
Here then, are this week’s hints….
NCAA SANCTIONED (for now) GAMES
MICHIGAN V IOWA
Ummm. Hmmm… Michigan is good in the same way baked beans are good. You always expect them to be better, they are usually OK, if unspectacular, and sometimes you just regret them completely. Iowa, on the other hand, is always good enough to lose the Big 10 Championship to Ohio State.
Stat That Matters: According to a recent Gallup poll, Jim Harbaugh is still more likely to be elected mayor of Ann Arbor than Urban Meyer, but it’s getting closer.
SOUTH FLORIDA V CONNECTICUT
Both teams are bad. UCONN is the worst program in FCS. USF is in an epic tailspin. The game is like a Saturday afternoon hairball fight at the local cat lady’s condo.
Stat That Matters: Charlie Strong is just 60 days away from being named head coach of the Morton’s Steak House U10 Flag Football Team of the Largo Police Athletic League.
AUBURN V FLORIDA
Welcome back to Gainesville ESPN College Gameday! This is the Cam Newton Over-Confident Bowl. Each team believes they will beat Alabama and/or Georgia this season. The Gators and Tigers are certainly capable of and likely to beat any other FCS team except Bama and/or UGA. Winner has the inside track on the coveted Outback Bowl invitation.
Stat That Matters: Steve Spurrier was 1-1 on 40 yard game winning field goals against Auburn.
TEXAS V WEST VIRGINIA
Texas is always thought of as ‘good’ until they lose a game like this. West Virginia is never thought of as ‘good’ because they are in West Virginia. Cliche’s are built on truth.
Stat That Matters: There are more Rooms To Go Showrooms in West Virginia than in any other state owing to the weekly couch burnings in Morgantown.
MIAMI V VIRGINIA TECH
Miami has not been good since poll workers were still counting chads in Palm Beach County. Hopeful, yes, but good, no. The Hokies were blown out by Duke before basketball season started. Never a good sign.
Stat That Matters: This season’s Miami Turnover Chain contains 583 small plastic jewels representing the schools 583 all-time wins surrounding one giant plastic jewel representing the one football graduate since 1979.
NORTH CAROLINA V GEORGIA TECH
According to Grover Picker UNC sophomore Luke Davis, UNC freshman QB Sam Howell is the greatest QB he has ever seen. Proof again that with age comes wisdom. Carolina may or may not be good, but they are certainly better. With a more creative two point play call at the end of last week’s game the Tar Heels might be calling themselves the team that ended Clemson. That will have to wait for basketball season, again.
Georgia Tech Football is a high speed blender full of frogs.
Stat That Matters: Mack Brown’s 4,377 silver hairs are individually placed on his scalp by a team of stylists exactly two hours before each kickoff.
NEBRASKA V NORTHWESTERN
Which team is good depends on what you value.
If you prefer stately mansions from a bygone era, mid-century modern chairs, rotary dial phones, real barber shops with striped poles, men in ties and women in knee length polyester print dresses, then Nebraska is good!
If you prefer dress slacks with boat shoes, if Charlie Brown’s striped shirt is stylish to you, if you are constantly underrated and continuously applauded for average results, Northwestern is good!
Stat That Matters: Wisconsin is 4-0 and the door to the Big 10 Championship is already closed for the Huskers and Wildcats.
GEORIGIA V TENNESSEE
The Bulldogs, #3 in America, are considered “Very Good”. You can hate them, as you should, but you can’t deny them. Kirby Smart is doing an excellent job, even if he isn’t UGA’s greatest coach ever. The Commissioner misses Ray Goff.
The Vols, the best 1-3 team in America, are ranked #109 in this week’s computer rankings, just behind #108 Georgia State. Surely the Vols are better than Georgia State?
Stat That Matters: The Bulldogs are ranked #2 in America for “Tough Coaching”, only behind Alabama. That means their coaching staff is among the best at irrational yelling, mind games, using power to unreasonably cajole the powerless, and wonton spewing of rude language in public. Be proud, Dawgs!
UTEP V UTSA
UTEP is in El Paso, TX, a border town with 700,000 residents, a median age of 33, and median HH income of $45,000. The local police department is featured each week on Live PD. It is brown as a desert often is and it is full of rocks because it is in a desert. There are truck stops on the moon with more charm and better food.
UTSA is in San Antonio, TX, a river town with 1.5 million residents, a median age of 33, and a median HH income of $50,000. San Antonio is famous for losing a war to Mexico, a River Walk, a River Cruise, and a Sea World that is nowhere near the sea. Official San Antonio Marketing Slogan: We’re San Antonio, the San Diego of Texas!
Stat That Matters: UTEP and UTSA are a combined 363-596 since 1935. Even Rice has 470 lifetime wins just by itself.
IN MEMORIUM – CUMB
Columbia University has disbanded its marching band. The musicians are caught in a series of bureaucratic machinations designed to defund the organization. The Columbia administration has hated the band for years due to its scatter tactics, lack of skill, and tawdry perfomance. Again, this is the band, not the actual football team, but they are easy to confuse.
Going forward the University will invite community musical organizations to perform. Any students caught at games with instruments will be in violation of Ivy League regulations and put under individual sanctions. Sanctions may include, but are not limited to, receiving lifetime season tickets to Columbia football games.
Read more about it HERE or HERE or just watch this band and know that college football needs more of this, not less!
NFL GAMES
There are 13 NFL teams with 2-2 records. There are 3 undefeated teams and 6 winless teams. Your guess is a good as anyone else’s about which teams are good and which are bad, which is the point of our contest. Below are what ’science’ says about the value of each squad.
PANTHERS V JAGUARS
According to Grover Picker NOOGAEAGLE, Cam Newton is the greatest QB he’s ever seen play. Unfortunately, he hasn’t seen him play well in awhile. I could try to make a joke here, but there’s no point. Instead, there is this 15 minute video of Cam drinking wine, smoking a cigar, wearing a hat, sitting in a dark room, explaining big things.
Dutifully, your Commissioner, The Commissioner, has watched the entire first 41 seconds so I may report to you that I prefer watching the Columbia University Band. Also, Kyle Allen is nowhere near as good as Cam and The Commissioner is anxious for the Odd One’s return to the Panther’s lineup. Fun QB. Strange dude.
TITANS V BILLS
Sunday 1pm in Nashville and broadcast on CBS.
I think that’s all that one can say about Titans v Bills.
PATRIOTS V WASHINGTON
Every Grover Picker appears to hate the Patriots. I’m pleased to announce that as reported here in 2008, 2011, 2015, 2017, 2018 and now 2019, Tom Brady is finished! He threw a pick in the end zone last Sunday. He struggled. He is old and the chemicals, both natural and dubious, that age him like Benjamin Button are starting to fail.
It won’t matter this week because the Patriot defense hasn’t surrendered a touchdown since Brady was in his early 40’s.
Meanwhile, I don’t want to say Washington is falling apart right before facing the best team in the league, but I will say it’s more likely the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant will be back online before Washington wins another playoff game.
FedEx Field, October 1, 2019
BENGALS V CARDINALS
Grover Picker MXKING, currently in a tie for first place in this contest, is the only person near Phoenix, AZ winning anything these days. The important distinction between the Bengals and Cardinals is that the Bengals have an aging quarterback and a terrible organization while the Cardinals, a mildly better orgnization, have a young quarterback and hope.
When the Bengals lose, it feels like losing will continue for a long time. When the Cardinals lose, it feels like that’s just another step toward winning very soon. One team must win Sunday and then we’ll all know if the Bengals or the Cardinals are the best of the worst this season.
VIKINGS V GIANTS
The reason these team are both 2-2 is because half their team is good and half their team is as useless as flip flops on an elk.
How nuts is the NFL? The Giants are without Saquon Barkley and start a rookie QB while the Vikings feature one of the very few every down backs in the league, Dalvin Cook, and last season’s leading wide receiver, Adam Theilen, and yet, the Vikings may be at a disadvantage because they willingly run an offense from 1974.
The Vikings are like Beyonce, they are talented, but not interesting.
The Giants are like Rhianna, they are interesting, but not talented.
SAINTS V BUCCANEERS
The Saints are forced to start backup QB Teddy Bridgewater. The Bucs counter with future backup QB Jameis Winston.
The Saints may still be good even though Drew Brees is out. The Bucs might be good and getting better even though Winston is in.
It’s equally possible that neither team will be good by Thanksgiving or that both teams will make the playoffs.
BEARS V RAIDERS
This game is in London, England.
After last week’s win, Bears terrifying linebacker Khalil Mack said, “A dog that poop fast don’t poop for long, man.”
That is all you have ever needed to know about anything, isn’t it?
TEXANS V FALCONS
The Therapist’s Dream Game. Both teams suffer from delusions of competence, inconsistent performance, and repressed feelings of inadequacy. Both QB’s are very good each week and then their team loses. They are the embodiment of a great tasting meal that ends with food poisoning.
COWOBYS V PACKERS
Two teams that get tons of national attention. Allow me to boil it down for you.
The Cowboys are not good, but they are famous, and so we talk about them and try to make them appear to be good.
The Packers are not good, but they are famous, and so we talk about them and try to make them appear to be good.
As a result, we get Joe Buck and Troy Aikman calling the Fox national game this weekend which leads to the realization that their are only two people in Jerry World who are actually good at what they do:
Aaron Rodgers and Joe Buck.
And that’s a truth that’s harder to live with than Dippin’ Dots.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 