September 24, 2019
Good Day Grover Pickers,
HERE’S WHAT’S GOOD
Mahomes, Minshew, UCLA once again for a minute. Maybe also LSU. And Appalachian State.
HERE’S WHAT’S BAD
Arkansas, The ACC except Clemson, Every Team In Tennessee except Memphis, whining about officials.
PLEASE CONSIDER:
NFL coaches have complained that holding is not called enough. NFL officials started calling more holding penalties and fans complained that the officials were ruining the games.
What to do?
How about legalizing holding, but also bring back head slaps. That would be fair.
Here’s Hall of Famer Deacon Jones explaining the head slap, “They outlawed it cause I could break a man’s neck. And I guess they didn’t want the little sissies nowadays to get their neck broken.”
WHAT’S MORE INTERESTING? STRENGTH COACH, LEFT GUARD, RESTAURANT?
This week we ‘handicap’ the games based on the relative entertainment value and/or taste of the various strength coaches, left guards and area restaurants.
This is inspired by Andy Staples recent article on The Athletic in which he ranks the best meats in college football, the recently acquitted lunatic ‘get back’ coach for the LA Rams, and the newest most important position in football, left guard, as played by –
The Colt’s Quenton Nelson
and LSU’s Adrian McGee, 6-4, 335
CAL V ARIZONA STATE
Both teams have left guards and fine food, I’m sure, but Cal Head Athletic Performance Coach Torre Becton, from Kinston, NC gives the Bears the edge.
From the Calbears.com “Becton become one of 10 members of the class of 2019 to earn the prestigious title of Master Strength and Conditioning Coach (MSCCC), which is the top honor awarded by the Collegiate Strength and Conditioning Coaches Association (CSCCa). He was previously certified through the CSCCa as a Strength & Conditioning Coach (SCCC) and is also Functional Movement Systems (FMS) Level 1 certified, as well as a USA Weightlifting (USAW) Sports Performance Coach.
Who reading this does not need a Functional Movement Systems Level 1 Certified Coach in their life?
TEXAS A&M V ARKANSAS
First, let’s be very clear on one point. The Arkansas Razorbacks, despite technically being an SEC team, are clearly playing without a left or a right guard and don’t act as if they’ve seen a strength and conditioning coach for more than 9 season.
The only food you find in Fayetteville, AR is squirrel, but they have it fried or grilled.
Therefore, A&M Left Guard Jared Hocker is your guy. 6-5, 323 from Birdville High School in North Richlands, TX. A few week’s ago he predicted a win by the Aggies over #1 ranked Clemson.
He meant to say, “Arkansas”.
COLUMBIA V GEORGETOWN
It’s the home opener for Columbia hosting the Hoyas at Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium in NY, NY.
The teams play annually for the Lou Little Cup, which honors coach Lou Little, who coached both teams, but not simultaneously, and took Columbia to the Rose Bowl in 1934 were the Lions beat Stanford 7-0.
Left Guards and Strength and Conditioning Coaches are not germane to any conversation about the Lou Little Cup.
Therefore, this game is about restaurants.
New York- Le Bernardin – French- Zagat says, “a higher plane”, “transcendent”, and whatever “soigné” means.
Georgetown- The Bombay Club– Indian – Zagat says, “luxurious oasis”, “well-spaced”, “worth getting out of bed”
I’ll have what Zagat’s is having.
WAKE FOREST V BOSTON COLLEGE
The Commissioner does not like beans or chowder and does not enjoy Winston Salem, NC, so no food choice. Wake runs an offense that avoids guard play and BC has a grad transfer in the spot.
Here’s the only breakdown you will ever read on the competition between the two S&C Coaches:
Demon Deacons- Brandon Hourigan, Director, Sports Performance: A B.S. in PE from Plymouth State and oversaw, “fitness duties for Spiders” at Richmond in 2008. Buff spiders?
Eagles- Frank Piraino coached S&C at the University of Florida when UF was the first and only team to claim men’s basketball and football championships in the same year. A beast!
NOTRE DAME V VIRGINIA
The best restaurant in South Bend is a Sonic Drive-thru. Both S&C Coaches are 70% neck, 20% quadricep and 10% haircut. That leaves left guards.
Irish- Aaron Banks, 6-6, 325 from Alameda, CA- enrolled in College of Arts and Letter majoring in Film, Television and Theatre
Hoos- Ryan Nelson, 6-4, 315 from Buen Park, CA- father, Charles, played football at Lambuth University in Jackson, Tenn.
How did The Commissioner make this game even more boring than it is?
CLEMSON V NORTH CAROLINA
Clemson pays S&C Coach Joey Batson $500k, the second highest salary for the position in college sports.
UNC pays S&C Coach Lou Hernandez $208k, which may be why the Tar Heels are the weaker team.
Clemson’s Batson placed 4th in the American Drug Free Power Lifting Association’s 1987 National Championships, which will only get you 803rd place at the American Super Juiced Championships or the Olympics.
The Tar Heel’s Hernandez’s weakness is that despite working with Boston College S&C Frank Piraino at Florida during the glory years, he also worked for the New York Jets, ruining his career.
WASHINGTON V USC
USC should always have great lineman. This season, the Trojan’s left guard is Alijah Vera-Tucker, a 6-4, 310 sophomore from Oakland, CA. He’s a communications major and according to USC, “saw significant action in Pac 12 games last season.” Ha! USC thinks there were significant Pac 12 games last year.
The Huskies counter with Luke Wattenberg, a 6-5 300 junior from Trabuco Canyon, CA. He does not look mean enough to play left guard, but he’s the best Washington has.
APP STATE V COASTAL CAROLINA
Coastal Carolina are Chanticleers, which are fancy chickens. App State and Coastal are nearly equidistant from The Commissioner’s office, so, here are the best places to eat chicken in Charlotte, NC.
Prices Chicken Coop Cash Only Take-out Counter
Mert’s Heart and Soul
King’s Kitchen
A Special Note For Pickers Such As COMMIT TO THE G– Bojangles is never, ever going to make my list. There are no real chicken parts that look like anything Bojangles is handing through that window.
ALABAMA V OLE MISS
Dreamland barbecue sucks and Archibald’s isn’t much better. If you need barbecue in Tuscaloosa, drive to Texas.
The Commissioner recommends Stanley’s Famous in Tyler, Texas. It’s less than 500 miles from Tuscaloosa and worth the drive.
FLORIDA V TOWSON
The Florida S&C Coach’s name is Nick SAVAGE. He actually capitalizes all the letters in his last name. SAVAGE is from Youngstown, OH, known as the “Cradle of Strength and Conditioning Coaches”. His favorite quote is, “Strain, strain, strain” and he is recognized internationally for Florida’s student-athletes losing 3.5 percent body fat in his first two months on the job. Most of the fat was from Jim McElwain.
Towson counters with Justin Lima, who is CPR/AED and First Aid certified through the American Heart Association and looks like he may have helped assassinate the Russian Royal Family in 1918.
PRAIRIE VIEW A&M V GRAMBLING STATE
The best place to eat near Grambling is likely someone’s grandmother’s house or roadkill over a roadside trash fire, which is sad for many reasons. At least Prairie View has a Chick-fil-A. The Commissioner remains stunned that for all the fame, glory and winning at Grambling, that campus looks like an abandoned World War II barracks.
Grambling features All-SWAC guard William Waddell, a 6-2, 330 junior from Tallahassee Leon HS. He is majoring in criminal justice and working toward a career as a US Marshall.
Prairie View feature Kolbi Lewis, a 6-3, 310 redshirt freshman from Cypress, TX who describes himself as a ‘Gentle Giant’ who likes Xbox and hot wings.
Of course he does.
IDAHO STATE V PORTLAND STATE
Your Big Sky Conference Game of The Week
The Portland State Vikings, from the Oregon Portland, lost to SEC team Arkansas by just 7 points, Boise by 35, and beat Eastern Oregon and something called Simon Fraser by a combined 129-16.
The Idaho State Bengals, from Pocatello, lost to Utah by 31, Northern Iowa by 9 and beat Western Colorado by 25.
Idaho’s S&C Coach is Dan Ryan. His resume does not indicate he has ever lifted a weight in his life. Ryan graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Radio and Television Production from Montana in 2010 and received his masters from UNLV in Sport and Leisure Services Management in 2012. TV and Leisure sounds like what The Commissioner majored in and The Commissioner can’t lift a bag of groceries.
Portland State’s Brad Packer? Now that sounds like an awesome S&C Coach. His official bio is blank, but, really, nothing needs to be said about Brad Packer. He’s a strength guy for a football team and he’s got a flat-top haircut. Is there a problem here?
LOUISIANA LAFAYETTE V GEORGIA SOUTHERN
We pick this game for Grove Picker and Georgia Southern Grad TESKRIDGE.
According to TripAdvisor, and you know I’m not making this up because I’m including the link, the best place to eat in Statesboro, GA, home of GA Southern, is a restaurant called GNAT’s LANDING. Try the fried pickles, oyster po’ boy, or the gnats wings.
Or, have a little self respect and don’t.
Lafayette, LA on the other hand gives us Johnson’s Boucaniere– a family owned cajun barbecue joint featuring barbecue, boudin, and home grown music. “Boucaniere” means smoke house.
If you had the choice between Gnat’s Landing and a Boucaniere in Louisiana and you don’t instantly choose the Boucaniere then you should stop reading, drop out of the Grover Picks, got to the nearest Burger King, order and eat three Whoopers and then just sit there feeling horrible and soaking in the sadness of a mid-morning Burger King while you reassess everything about your misguided life.
Seriously.
AUBURN V MISSISSIPPI STATE
It’s a much more intellectual battle than you might expect from SEC linemen.
The Tigers roll out senior LG Marquel Harrell, 6-3, 309 from Fairburn, GA. He’s fluent in French and already earned his degree in from the College of Education.
The Bulldogs roll out junior LG Dareuan Parker, 6-4, 330 from Olive Branch, MS. He’s an industrial technology major which “prepares students for supervisory and management positions in the production, automation, maintenance or logistics areas of industry.”
We kid, but offensive lineman are always the smart ones.
FSU V NCSU
Seminole S&C Irele Oderinde is currently being sued by former Oregon Ducks offensive lineman Doug Brenner for negligence after Brenner claims several intense workouts in 2017 led him to “exhibit symptoms of rhabdomyolysis, a breakdown of muscle tissue that releases a damaging protein into the blood, potentially leading to serious kidney problems.”
Brenner was hospitalized as a precaution and released after three days.
Oderinde was suspended for one month by Ducks head coach at the time and current FSU head coach Willie Taggart. Taggart issued a formal apology. Later, Taggart hired Oderinde at FSU and agreed to pay him up to $330,00 per year to get the Noles in shape, which is not going well.
The Wolfpack S&C Coach is also an Assistant Athletic Director. He is Dantonio Burnette. He was responsible for the college strength and conditioning of the strongest player currently in the NFL, Aaron Donald, as well as three starting NFL QBs, Philip Rivers, Russell Wilson, and Jacoby Brissett. If your name is “Dantonio”, you are cool dude, regardless.
OHIO STATE V NEBRASKA
Nebraska is the school that invented left guards, perfected strength and conditioning, and has better food. The combination makes The Commissioner question the very need for the state of Ohio.
Nebraska Left Guard- Trent Hixson, sophomore, 6-4, 310 from Omaha. He is a former walk-on, an accounting major, Academic All-big 10 and a two time member of the Tom Osborne Citizenship Team. Stud.
All-Time Nebraska Guard- Dean Steinkuhler (1981-1983), 6-3, 270. He won the Lombardi and Outland Trophy Awards, was part of an offense that averaged 401 yards rushing per game, and is a member of the Sports Illustrated All-Century Team. According to legend, he and Dave Rimington invented weight lifting.
Nebraska Strength and Conditioning: Zach Duval trained Kahlil Mack, he is the 2017 Football Scoop Strength & Conditioning Coach of the Year, and his sons names are Bronx and Jagger and he has a daughter named Sarge. Your move OSU.
Nebraska Restaurant: Leadbelly. They serve something called a “Full Leaded Jacket” which is a hamburger, inside a cinnamon roll, covered in chili. For every 10 you eat, you get a free by-pass surgery.
NATIONAL GARDNER MINSHEW LEAGUE
RAVENS V BROWNS
A month ago, Baker Mayfield was the coolest young dude in the NFL. Now, Lamar Jackson is demonstrably more successful than Baker and this is the coolest young QB:
CHARGERS V DOLPHINS
The Dolphins need a QB who will fit in on South Beach. How about this guy?
GIANTS V WASHINGTON
The Giant’s have a one week wonder at QB in Daniel Jones! Washington has a 1,063 consecutive week washout weasel in Daniel Snyder!
If only Washington had sold the team to this guy!
BRONCOS V JAGUARS
The world keeps wondering if Broncos QB Joe Flacco is elite.
The world already knows this guy is!
CHIEFS V LIONS
Oh, and this guy is football’s version of Boucaniere and also the living embodiment of meat, stuffed in a cinnamon bun, slathered in chili.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 