September 11, 2019
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Now let’s talk about the bluetick hound in the room first.
VOLS V MOCS
If you are reading this, then you likely know what has befallen the 10th winningest football program in college history. If you don’t know, let me summarize it this way:
The Volunteers are 0-2, losing to Georgia State and BYU. Is there any hope?
The UT Chattanooga Mocs have defeated Ol’ Smokey exactly once since since the James K. Polk administration (1845-49). There were two ties and 28 wins by UT. That seems hopeful.
The Commissioner is sympathetic to the Vols plight. You, kind reader, may be as well. When a proud rival is struggling, it’s similar to the feeling one might have if the stern judge in your town sends your idiot Vol fan third-cousin up the river for 10 years for calling in threats to Paul Finebaum. It’s the same feeling you may have the Vol fan three cubicles over had his Camaro stolen on the same day his girlfriend broke up with him after his wife filed for divorce AND he was out of toothpaste. Here are three takeaways on the “Knoxville Situation”:
- The rest of us are glad it’s the Vols and not our team, which it has been and will be.
- The Vols fate will be Alabama’s fate someday and it can’t be soon enough.
- What am I saying? He wasn’t out of toothpaste. You know why.
It’s not all empty seats and brown jug liquor in Knoxville. The Vols, with 838 all time wins, will still be 10th all-time at the end of this season if they go winless. Georgia is currently 11th, 17 wins behind UT. The Bulldogs can’t win more than 15 games this season. So UT’s position is safe until roughly this weekend one year from now.
And there is this. Great karma. A young Vol fan is bullied for wearing a homemade Vol shirt and the University steps up in an awesome way. This is sincerely the exact way more professional sports organizations (like college athletic departments) should behave and it’s the kind of act that will help UT’s program put out the current boat fire of a season.
Here’s where you can order the shirt.
Go Vols!
(And sorry for the tooth joke again. I know. It’s old and I need a new joke. I’ll spend more time chewing on other ideas.)
BULLDOGS V WILDCATS
Mississippi State and Kansas State are… who cares? This score won’t be reported by ESPN, but it will be ‘above the fold’ in Beet Farmer Daily.
IRISH V LOBOS
Former Notre Dame coach Bob Davie was supposed to return to South Bend with his New Mexico Lobos to face his old team and collect a million dollars for his current program. Then, Davie had a ’serious medical issue’ during a game two weeks ago. He will remain in Albuquerque. He is ‘doing fine’. Since this game is otherwise unremarkable, here is the greatest song ever recorded about Albuquerque, NM.
CARDINAL V KNIGHTS
Silicon Valley vs Central Florida. Do you prefer California wines or the stuff your neighbor in 3B mixes in her tub? Are you more of a light-sweater-and-jeans-with-no-socks person or a tank-top-over-bikini -bottoms-and-Crocs person? Are your tattoos subtle reminders of life affirming events or full body renderings of a cockatrice dragon sitting on top of Cinderella’s Castle smoking a cigarette and sporting its own ’Salt Life’ leg tattoo? Is your cousin the 24-year-old CFO of a tech startup in the dog therapy space or is your cousin a 64 -year-old sun-browned retiree whose Kia won’t startup in the handicap space in front of Denny’s?
BAMA V GAMECOCKS
Two teams that are evenly matched when it comes to heinous uniforms.
HAWKEYES V CYCLONES
A really important game in Iowa between two teams that are always overlooked. Because they are in Iowa.
Here, The Commissioner gives you a story published without permission and written by Jr. Ogden for the Gazette, a newspaper in Cedar Rapids, IA
Pop Warner once coached the Cyclones? Glenn Scobey Warner, credited with many innovations in the game, coached at Iowa Agricultural College and Modern Farm (yes, that’s ISU) from 1895 through 1899. He is credited with an 18-8 record in 4 1/3 seasons, although he wasn’t always on the sidelines for the Cyclones.You see, at the time Warner also coached at Georgia and later he shared his time with Cornell University.
Apparently, Warner took the job at ISU — or IACMF — for $25 a week. Georgia offered him $34. But because ISU started its season a month-and-a-half before Georgia, he kept both jobs. While in Athens, Ga., he would get weekly updates, via telegraph, and reply with his advice.He later worked out the same deal with his alma mater, Cornell. He coached Cornell to a 5-3-1 record in 1897 and a 10-2 mark in 1898. Iowa State was 3-1 in 1897 and 3-2 in 1898.
His best season at Iowa State was 1896, when the team went 8-2 and opened the season with a 36-0 upset at Northwestern. Folks in Ames must have liked the headline “Struck by a Cyclone” in the next day’s Chicago Tribune because the school adopted “Cyclones” as its nickname after.
GATORS V WILDCATS
The Gators have not beaten Kentucky in football in 365 days. These are the exact 365 days immediately following the 11,315 consecutive days in which Florida had beaten UK in football. A new streak begins Saturday.
RANDOM-COLLEGE-NOTE-OF-THE-WEEK
Former Gators Tim Tebow and Al Horford are both married to former Miss Universes. Tebow will wed 2017 winner Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters of South Africa. That’s just one person, two hyphens.
Horford is married to 2003 Miss Universe Amelia Vega from Dominican Republic.
TIGERS V GOLDEN FLASHES
War Eagle. As you’ve read here before Kent State Football is known for two things:
1. It’s Nick Saban’s alma mater and
2. Since 1920, it is, by far, the worst football program in America with 565 losses. The. Worst. The. Least. Successful. Saban.
Last Saturday, Kent State had a football contest scheduled with Kennesaw State. The Mighty Kennesaw State Owls hail from the Big South Conferences and represent the Kingdom of Marietta, GA.
Also, earlier Saturday morning, the University of Maine field hockey team faced Kent State. They used the designated field hockey pitch, which, it turns out, doubles as a launch pad.
The field hockey match was ferocious and went to double overtime. Then it stopped.
Kent State officials ‘ordered the teams off the field” and then had the match reclassified as a scrimmage instead of a game. At some point some adult is going to have to make sure that the filed hockey game ends in a win by forfeit for Maine.
The women’s game was ended NOT for football, but for a fireworks show BEFORE football. A fireworks show with 6 fireworks launched at noon on a sunny day for nobody to see. For a game against superpower Kennesaw. In front of only 18,000 fans.
I blame Saban. And, for the record and at the risk of being inappropriate, The Commissioner will point out that the stadium where all this took place is named Dix Stadium.
CAVALIERS V SEMINOLES
UVA is the site of FSU’s first ACC loss ever, back in 1994. That was an upset then, but today the Cavaliers are talented, disciplined and tough.
The Seminoles are a bunch of discombobulated, dehydrated dudes in football costumes. They are not all moving in the same direction, as evidenced in this screen capture.
How to explain FSU? Did the players suddenly realize that Tallahassee is just Montgomery, AL, but closer to the ocean and with less interesting night life? Did someone steal all the weight training machines? Are the class loads too time consuming? Did they stop giving out free shoes? Is the wifi down?
At least we can agree on where the ’Noles are going bowling this Christmas season.
SOONERS V BRUINS
The Sooners are still really good. UCLA has never been good. Ever.
UCLA is an exceedingly famous, but definitively average football school. The Bruins have 598 college football victories, 60th out of 130 FBS teams. Fresno State, Appalachian State, Louisiana Tech, Central Michigan, Tulsa and even Rutgers have more successful football histories than UCLA. At the same time, UCLA has the 15th most NFL draft picks in history and the 12th most All-Americans. The Bruins have played in 36 bowl games over 98 seasons. FSU has done that just since 1981!
It’s fair to summarize UCLA football thusly: Able to attract talented players who look exceptional in football uniforms but consistently underperform or are just overrated because they look good in the uniforms.
Some UCLA fans are ready to fly airplanes over the Rose Bowl calling for the firing of coach Chip Kelly. The only thing that’s really working like it should in Westwood these days are the internet message boards of angry fan rants.
Angry about what? Do these chill dudes and dudettes actually believe UCLA football is worried about being good? UCLA is the Rutgers of the West. Lower your expectations.
Chip Kelly may be terrible or he may be great. Who knows? But you don’t walk into UCLA and assume it’s full of great players and winning culture and just needs a caretaker to keep winning Pac 10 titles like Terry Donahue in the 1980s.
Here’s Chip Kelly commenting on fans’ frustration:
“You don’t tear up the root of the tree to see if it’s growing. You just keep watering it, you keep growing it and doing what you’re supposed to do,” Kelly said. “I think we all live in a society where we want a quick fix and an instant pill, but it doesn’t exist and it’s never existed in this game, so you just can’t say right now, ‘Hey, let’s run an entirely new defense and an entirely new offense.’
Hey, UCLA fans! Don’t mess with Chip’s roots! Ya bunch of kale-eating, Kardashian-loving, glamour-chasing, cashew milk-drinking, rain-fearing, earthquake-riding, avocado-noshing football morons! Chip Kelly is much more likely part of the solution to UCLA football than the problem. Go put on some more cocoa butter, wax your board, fix your wavy hair, upgrade your sunglasses, sit back in your convertible and shut up. Your whole history is the story of never-beens. UCLA football has won exactly NOTHING and that is the fault of your fans, your administrators, and John Wooden. Mostly John Wooden.
That said, UCLA sure would be a cool place to go to school.
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
BUCS V PANTHERS
“Winston” is a perfect name for the Bucs QB. Some believe he’s a cancer on the team, he’s a coach killer, he’s about burned up, he’s banned by Uber, and he tends to cough things up. The Panthers defense is very likely to light up Winston this Thursday. Smoke’m if you got’em!
BROWNS V JETS
A replay of the first Monday night game ever broadcast on September 21, 1970. It featured Keith Jackson and Howard Cosell in the booth and Joe Namath on the field. The Browns won 31-21 because, as we know, the Jets suck, now and forever.
This is the most enduring part of that first Monday Night game.
And these are the highlights. I’m sure the original intent was to preserve the game action, but all of you of a certain age will certainly appreciate hearing Jackson and Cosell much more than seeing the game. Enjoy.
RAVENS V CARDINALS
The Cards have a chance because the Ravens may not be done scoring touchdowns against the Dolphins yet. The Ravens have a chance because the Cards may not be ready to score any points yet.
TEXANS V JAGUARS
Gardner Minshew II! The rookie QB for the Jags via Washington State, via Northwest Mississippi Community College, via East Carolina thought he would be a graduate assistant coach at Alabama this fall. Nope! He’s your new starting QB for Jacksonville. Not Blake Bortles. Not Blaine Gabbert. Not the recently acquired Josh Dobbs. Minshew is 23 years old, already has an iconic mustache, and earned this praise from his college coach, Mike Leach,
“He’s like a pirate captain. He just leads his men and captures ships. Really smart. Knows when to burn the ship, knows when to board the ship. He’d also be a really good raccoon.”**
What’s left of the Texans are JJ Watt, Deshaun Watson, DeAndre Hopkins, and 50 guys helicoptered in from an oil derrick last week.
**Leach did not actually say this, but you are forgiven if you found it believable. That is the value Mike Leach brings to the world.
TITANS V COLTS
The Titans are a box of envelopes. No color, completely functional, could be used for a letter, could just hold some coupons, handy to jot notes on, and unremarkable and out of the way. They are a playoff team.
The Colts, led by QB Jo Jo Biscuit, are paper clips. They bend, they hold things together, a very underrated useful item. Could help you hold your important papers together at the DMV or be used to pick the lock at the DMV. They are a playoff team.
This game should be played at Office Depot. Build some cubicles for the benches. Use the break room as a locker. The whole thing is about as exciting as buying a decorative extension cord.
PATRIOTS V DOLPHINS
Dear Dolphins,
I’m writing from my desk as I look at my circa 1992 Dolphins Helmet Phone, under the shelf of books commemorating the greatness of Dan Marino, the management secrets of Don Shula, and the Legends of 72. You are the team allegiance I inherited from my parents, who saw your first game live in the real Orange Bowl before I was born. I still call the new stadium Joe Robbie, as it should be remembered forever. I even believed in Tannehill, too. I grieved with you when Saban ruined everything, as he does. So it is with great affection and sincerity that I must deliver difficult news.
Surrender. Now.
Don’t show up or else you face another week like last Sunday when you did show up, er, when you did attend. If you are tanking, then just leave the field.
You have become the Tennessee Volunteers of the NFL.
Regardless if this was intentional or merely the weight of circumstances and/or Laremy Tunsil, please surrender with some honor.
Sure, the Patriots under Belichick have a losing record in Miami. They’ve come to South Florida many times with more talent and expectations than you.
This is different.
If you play, and there are indications that many of the current team do not wish to play, it’s like paddling a canoe to Puerto Rico through a hurricane. You end up capsized, lost, drifting, and eventually washed up. By the end of the game you will miss the halcyon days when you gave up only 59 points to the Ravens last week.
Dolphins starting QB Ryan Fitzpatrick faces the Patriots for the 12th time. He’s 2-9. The combined score in those 11 games is 371 for the Patriots and 226 for Ryan, a +/- of -145. Fitzpatrick has thrown 20 touchdown passes against New England and served up 19 interceptions.
Oh, Dolphins, I lament and weep for your struggle. Most of it is Saban’s fault, but there is blame to share. I hope for strength and wish for good fortune, but alas, I must accept the truth before my eyes: The Miami Dolphins are no Georgia State.
Surrender Dolphins, before you have to start printing and selling t-shirts designed by 4th graders in Pahokee.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 