September 3, 2019
Good Day Grover Pickers,
The Commissioner, like you, prefers to mind his manners. Mostly. It seems simple enough to conduct oneself as a well-mannered adult if you are a 40-something woman with a perfectly coiffed shoulder length perm, a knee-length skirt, full makeup, a string of pearls and a superiority complex. Someone like the MannersMentor.
For the rest of us, we need reminders. Today, your Commissioner, The Commissioner, will discuss a number of impending football contests along with a few relevant “Good Manners” reminders. This shall help us all have a pleasant football weekend.
You’re welcome!
BLOG NOTE: You are cordially invited to make comments on any blog post should you ever find an idea or statement you agree or disagree with… not that anyone ever agrees or disagrees with The Commissioner. Click the link at the bottom to ‘follow’ the blog and you get a notification when there is a new post. There is another link to click in order to post a comment. The more comments, the more fun!
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
The NFL’s 100th season begins on Thursday evening. The Commissioner highly recommends the book “The League: How Five Rivals Created the NFL and Launched a Sports Empire” by John Eisenberg. It’s an engaging and detailed story of how two gamblers (Art Rooney and Tim Mara), two playboys (George Preston Marshal and Bert Bell), and George Halas, started, preserved and grew the NFL into the NFL. At just 416 pages, it’s only half as long as the Grover Picks blog posts.
THIS IS THE OFFICIAL GROVER PICKS NFL PREVIEW
- Tom Brady and Bill Belichick remain with the Patriots so the rest of the AFC may be wasting its time. This is their 39th year together.
- Marty Schottenheimer coached the Cleveland Browns to three consecutive 10+ win seasons in 1986-88. The Browns have just two 10+ win seasons in the following 30 years, one coached by Romeo Crennel and one coached by Bill Belichick. Today, after just 7 wins in 2018, the Browns are the darlings of the league and a popular choice to win the AFC North on the reputation of two ill-mannered mavericks, Odell Beckham, Jr, and Baker Mayfield. I hope it is fun to watch. I’m confident it won’t end how the Browns believe it will.
- The Chiefs might be good.
- The Cowboys, with as many playoff wins as the Browns over the last 20 years, should be out of money soon.
- The Eagles might be good.
- The Dolphins are tanking and nobody had the courtesy to tell the head coach.
- Put every other team in one enourmous tub of hot fudge and call it a mystery sundae.
- Never bet on the NFL.
A Note About Manners and Modern Football
The following manners were gleaned from several reputable internet sources and then adjusted, rewritten, occasionally straight plagiarized, and reworked to fit The Commissioner’s purposes. Among the sources are: March 2011 issue of Parents magazine, Readers Digest 2019, and an ‘expert reference I made up’, Elmore J. Stanbridge, III’s Guide To Impossible Behavior for Adult Males.
BEARS V PACKERS
Manner: As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
The 100th season starts with two original NFL teams meeting for 199th time. One hundred years ago, the Bears propped up the entire league, lending money to the Cardinals, Packers, Eagles and Steelers for years and foregoing short-term gains to buttress the health of the entire league. George Halas held the door open long enough until Lombardi, Starr, Favre and Aaron Rodgers walked through. It is the defining characteristic of the National Football League that Green Bay has a team with the same opportunity to win a Super Bowl as Chicago. We should all write a thank you note to George Halas. Especially Packers fans.
PATRIOTS V STEELERS
Manner: Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
Bill Belichick and Mike Tomlin are standing at midfield before this game. Each has his arms folded and each is smiling at the other in that way only the most insincere friends can smile.
Even Bill Parcells thinks twice before interrupting this conversation.
If you were dumb enough to interrupt this conversation, what is your ice breaker question?
RAMS V PANTHERS
Manner: When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
Maybe you have noticed how many teams play Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” after a victory. The list includes the Carolina Panthers, Boston Red Sox, Iowa State Cyclones, Pitt Panthers, FC Aarau (Swiss Football), UNC Tar Heels, Arsenal of the Premier League, AFC Bournemouth, and Aston Villa. Penn State used the song but stopped in 2012, about the same time former coach Jerry Sandusky headed to jail.
Why is this song still a part of any stadium experience? Even Neil Diamond can’t agree with himself about what the song is about. He’s said it was inspired by his former wife, Marcia, but he needed a three syllable name. He’s also said it was inspired by a photo of the 11 year old Caroline Kennedy, JFK’s daughter, riding a horse. (Note for Grover Picks Youths, “JFK” refers to former President of the United States John F. Kennedy, a Patriots fan for sure.)
In keeping with our manners guidance, “introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling”, I suggest Neil Diamond call these various teams and say this:
“Good Morning! My name is Neil Diamond.. Yes, that Neil Diamond…I Am… I Said… Yes, Hello Again…I would like to speak with the person I am calling… I mean, I would like to speak with the person responsible for playing the #3 Easy Listening hit of 1969, “Sweet Caroline”, at your ballpark… Oh, yes, I’m delighted for the attention, but I’m confused… It’s not exactly Gary Glitters’ Rock and Roll Part IIis it?… You know it’s about a girl on a horse, don’t you?…Yes, I did see Cam Newton singing along one time…No, really?… He listens to “ Sweet Caroline” on his 2011 iPod?… When he’s working out?… and “Forever in Blue Jeans” too?… Golly, that’s inspiring… I’m A Believer… Hmmm… Uh huh…. It sounds like neither of us is clear on why you play “Sweet Caroline”, so I suppose It’s a Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You…. Ha, yes, that was clever use of my song title, thank you for noticing… Has Cam ever considered “Song Sung Blue”?… It just seems more appropriate for the Panthers…No, I don’t have any ideas for the Red Sox… maybe “Done Too Soon”?… HA! you are right… this call is done too late!… Thank you for your time. Do you know anyone who could try and explain why Iowa State plays “Sweet Caroline”….
BUCS V NINERS
Manner: Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.
It is the first week of NFL games, so we should all be kind, sit through whatever this turns out to be, and remember, that whatever Jameis is doing out there, it’s the best he can do, bless his heart.
COWBOYS V GIANTS
Manner: Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don’t pick your nose in public.
What if, like the Cowboys and Giants, your only real skill is picking your nose in public?
SAINTS V TEXANS
Manner: Don’t microwave stinky foods at work
The Texans traded Jadeveon Clowney to Seattle for one of those reusable Starbucks cups and a Jimi Hendrix guitar pick. Then the Texans traded away first round draft picks for Dolphins starting tackle Laremy Tunsil and and wide reciever Kenny Stills. Then the Texans, a team without a general manger, good or bad, told Texans fans that this was all a good idea to make the team better. All of this smells bad, but it’s not what makes their kitchen stink.
THIS is what microwaving stinky food at work looks like in the NFL…. The Texans have traded for running backs Duke Johnson and Carlos Hyde. These two were previously teammates in Cleveland during the Browns historic 1-31 era! But they are going to make the Texans better!
The Texans are the lutefisk of the NFL.
COLTS V DOLPHINS
Manner: Don’t ask for leftovers at a business lunch or dinner
After Andrew Luck retired from football, the Colts signed two-time former Patriot backup QB Brian Hoyer to back up one-time former Patriot backup QB and current Colts starter Jacoby Brissett.
The Colts asked for the leftovers and paid the leftovers a total of $37 million guaranteed dollars! Brissett negotiated his own extension, as reported on Instagram by Bleacher Report, because, he says, “I don’t want someone bulls–itting on my behalf.”
The Dolphins, meanwhile, intending to lose as often as possible, traded three starters in return for draft picks and three guys you have not heard of even if you are a fan of say, Stanford, where former Texan and new Dolphin special teamer Johnson Bademosi attended school. The Dolphins asked for, and got, the leftovers! Bad Dolphins! These moves come close to also failing the previously discussed “Don’t microwave stinky food at work” rule.
BROWNS V TITANS
Manner: Curb and clean up after your dog
The Browns, as noted earlier, are the darling of the league. Fun, young, and full of their own hype. Will the Dawg Pound remember to clean up after themselves when this Browns’ season falls apart and makes another mess by the lake?
Here’s another way to think about it. The singer Jason Isbell posted a question on Twitter last week:
The Browns, I fear, are about to be the NFL’s baked beans spilled in the back of the car.
Random Manner For the Good of Humanity:
Don’t crowd the boarding area at an airport.
NCAA FOOTBALL GAMES
MIAMI V NORTH CAROLINA
Manner: Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
I think the Hurricanes look nice in orange, like this pretty bird.
I think the Tar Heels look sharp in argyle, like this most handsome and sophisticated gentlemen.
GEORGIA TECH V USF
Manner: When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
Hey, Buzz the Georgia Tech mascot, how are you after losing by 38 to Clemson last week?
Buzz: “I feel like spending more time in class so when I graduate I can hire that one Clemson dude who doesn’t go pro and make him clean the stinky microwave in my lab every night. How are you doing?”
Hey, Rocky the Bull, how are you after Wisconsin shut out USF at home 49-0?
Rocky the Bull: “If I ever leave this Hooter’s, the first thing I’m going to do is buy some new jorts. Then, I’m going to kick Charlie Strong in the teeth. Then, I’ll probably come back to Hooter’s. How you doin’?”
SEC EAST and PURDUE
MISSOURI V WEST VIRGINIA
PURDUE V VANDERBILT
TENNESSEE V BYU
Manner: Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
Manner: Don’t call people mean names.
Manner: Be mindful of where you change the baby
Manner: The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
Oh, boy. This one is tough, but let’s rehash a few important points.
Missouri lost to Wyoming in something other than rodeo.
Vanderbilt took its annual beating from Georgia, again.
Purdue lost to Nevada on a last second 53 yard field goal by a freshman, embarrassing the Big 10, again.
South Carolina lost to North Carolina and #firemuschamp is trending, again.
Tennessee. Again?
The Vols paid their head coach, their two coordinators, and Georgia State a total of $7.5 million and then lost to Georgia State, a 28 point underdog, in Neyland Stadium, in front of 50,000 empty seats.
The Commissioner does not want to be rude, however, this is absolutely delightful!
Missouri keeps telling us they belong in the SEC but all they do is drag the league down to the level of the Big 12.
Vanderbilt can’t muster the sports success of fellow elite academic peers Northwestern or even Duke except in bowling!
The Gamecocks are the Mona Lisa of Average Football Programs. A masterpiece in commitment to mediocrity.
And Tennessee.
The Vols are the 10th winningest football program in the 150 year history of college football. This edition of the Vols may become the most embarrassing on-field SEC team since the 1979 Florida Gators went 0-10-1.
Hey, Vols! Could you at least manage a tie vs. BYU?
Grover Picker SOFTFOCUS was in Neyland last Saturday and took this photo DURING THE GAME!
The obvious question when you see a picture of an empty stadium is how in the world did SOFTFOCUS not get better seats?
LSU v TEXAS
Manner: Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.
Do any of you believe that there is even one fan of either team at this game that has any idea how to properly use a utensil?
FSU v LOUISIANA MONROE
Manner: Don’t reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.
For instance, after a second 18 point come-from-ahead loss in two seasons, FSU Head Coach Willie Taggart might ask at the training table, “Pardon me, would you please pass that stack of job openings to me. It’s ‘for a friend’. “
JACKSONVILLE STATE V CHATTANOOGA
Manner: Dishes are passed counter clockwise
Why are dishes passed counter clockwise?
That’s counter-intuitive. It goes against the natural motion of humans and disturbs the theoretical underpinnings of at least three laws of physics.
Be that as it may, Jacksonville State has a shot to win the FCS title this season. At least, they did, until last week.
The Gamecocks lost to Southeastern Louisiana and fell from #6 to #17 in the FCS polls. UTC is ‘also receiving votes’ in the current FCS poll.
After one game, the Mocs are averaging 24 points, have yet to fumble, and have zero punt return yards.
Meanwhile, Jacksonville State after one game ranks 67th in FCS for touchdowns per game with 4 and 31st in FCS field goals per game with zero.
Tickets at Burgess-Snow Field in Jacksonville, AL start at $12 for general admission and $125 for club seats. On October 3 you can catch the play “Winston Drives Big Jim” at the Ernest Stone Performing Arts Center in Jacksonville, AL for just $5.
If you go to either event, do please remember to pass you dishes counter clockwise. If there is one group in America besides Emily Post’s kids who observe this rule without fail, it’s the general population of Jacksonville, AL.
NORTH DAKOTA V NORTH DAKOTA STATE
Manner: Be careful what you post
Alert Grover Picks readers will recall the importance of posts in the history of North Dakota. Charles Bates placed 720 quartzite makers at half mile intervals along the border of North and South Dakota in 1891 and 1892 in what The Commissioner has called “The Worst Summer Job Ever”.
This game will be played north of the posts at the World Famous Fargo Dome (Capacity 18,700 or, the same number of fans remaining in Neyland Stadium last Saturday after Georgia State defeated the Volunteers).
North Dakota State, Fargo, ND: Enrollment is 14,432 with cost of attendance about $18,000 and an average freshman SAT score of 1138.
University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, ND: Enrollment is 13,847 with cost of attendance about $20,281 and an average freshman SAT score of about 1030.
FYI- The North Dakota State Bison are the #1 ranked FCS team in America and have won 7 of the last 8 National Championships. This is the 112th meeting between the two teams, but the first meeting in the last four seasons.
Thank you for reading. Please, enjoy the football and Happy Picking!
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 